Sunday, Crappy Sunday

Thanks to Amy @ Dwelling on Dreams for giving me the courage to post this after I read her post. I don't like to admit weaknesses (darn perfectionist personality) and for that reason, I think I've hesitated to write about the not-so-fun happenings in my brain, or whatever part of us houses our emotions and ability to rationalize between heart and head.


I've been struggling with anxiety. Back in 2005, after college, starting a new teaching career, and the dissolution of my 6 year relationship, I started having full-blown panic attacks. My doctor put me on a low-grade anti-depressant which I stayed on until summer 2009 when I started seeing a therapist so that I could go off the meds. I've therefore been off anxiety meds for over three years. I've had a few minor panic attacks here and there, but my therapist gave me coping mechanisms and helped me deal with the underlying issues of those attacks.

Fast forward to second trimester. I have between five and ten minor panic attacks A DAY right now. They come on randomly. I can't control them and I can't even tell you what initiates them. I get anxious before I eat every meal. Honestly, I can get anxious just watching TV. These aren't full blown attacks, just a tightening of my chest and a feeling of general unease and anxiety. Anyone who's ever had a panic attack knows this feeling.

Well, Sunday seemed to be the pinnacle of these attacks. I had grad school work, grading, and house cleaning to do. DH had people over to watch football. I was making dinner for SIL to help out with the baby. And I lost it. I broke down sobbing uncontrollably, unable to breathe. I had a sharp pain in my lower-left pelvic area which of course freaked me out. DH calmed me down, brought me a fan, and generally took care of me. And then it happened again Sunday night. I got back from a walk which I thought would've calmed me down (no such luck). DH lost his wedding ring playing football in the backyard, and one of his friends had sat on my gorgeous leather couch with a wet bathing suit, leaving a cushion-sized mark on the couch. Of course, in my state, I was convinced the couch was ruined. (The couch, however, has turned out just fine after some conditioning and intensive fan-drying, but the wedding ring has not yet been found). Cue sobbing, and worse, sobbing in the shower.

I was ashamed of the way I was feeling. Ashamed that I--of all people--couldn't control my emotions. I'm supposed to be strong, positive, glowing. Instead, I'm this heaping, sobbing mess crying on the shower wall. I love Baby Boy so much, and what made this whole situation worse is I kept thinking that I was hurting him. If he feels what I feel, is he upset? Am I hurting his emotional state? Is he going to come out and be this anxiety-filled terror because of me? Is he feeling all of my stress? I guilted myself into believing the worst. And of course, because I was so hysterical, I couldn't feel him moving as much. Panic and anxiety took hold.

Again, DH is amazing and wonderful (despite the lost ring). He just held me. He did use tough love, telling me I have to stop and I do have to think about Daniel, but he helped. I wanted to eat yogurt for dinner; he made me eat real food. I had two nice sips of wine, and I did eventually calm down. My principal let me come into work late on Monday so that maybe I could get some sleep. The whole anxiety situation is compounded by the fact that I can't sleep through the night anymore so I'm overtired and mentally exhausted.

Honestly, I don't know how to handle these little chest-tightening anxiety issues. I don't want to be on meds because really I don't feel these instances are enough to warrant meds. I don't want to hurt Baby Boy. I desperately want to sleep. I want to be in control of my emotions and my anxiety again and I feel powerless. How can I gain back my positive emotional state? I'm petrified that DH is going to get fed up with me and stop being so wonderful and understanding. I don't want to push him away.

Baby Boy seems to be doing great. I feel him all the time, but I can't help but worry about (please don't judge) him being strangled by his umbilical cord. WHY WHY WHY is this in my head? Do normal people worry about this? I'm petrified that because he's so active he's going to hurt himself.

I go see Dr. N today for my 24 week checkup. I will be asking her about the anxiety, and hopefully she can tell me I can take something to help me sleep, but no anxiety meds.

Not the happy-go-lucky post expected of a prego who's thrilled to be prego, but it's nice to write these things down. Thanks for listening, blog friends.

Emotions and a BOOK photo

I was flitting through my blog roll this morning and stumbled across two women who both miscarried at 9 weeks.  I do not "follow" these blogs but was simply clicking through from other blogs I do follow.  In addition to these women I do not know, one of my college girlfriends has now had two losses since January.  All of my emotions from eight months ago came flooding back.  I am always amazed by the poignancy of a feeling, even when far removed from the event.  I remember visibly what it was like to see no flicker, no heartbeat on the screen.  I remember feeling dead inside, like a piece of my heart had been ripped out.  Crying in the shower because at least then it was harder to tell that I had been crying.  Even sitting here typing this makes all those emotions real again. 

My heart breaks for these women.  I know that I am pregnant now, but every single day I am reminded again of what a blessing this is.  Babies aren't "luck" or "mistakes," and for women who think they are, try walking in the shoes of someone who's experienced loss or infertility, or both.  To those of you struggling right now, you're not alone, at least in this community.  No matter how many babies I am blessed with, I will never forget what loss feels like, nor do I want to.  I am part of Malachi and he is part of me, forever, even though I never held him.  "I will never forget you.  See, upon the palms of My hands I have written your name." Isaiah 49:15-16



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So now, on a different note, Em's photo challenge! Today, our prompt was "book." So, here is the book that I am somewhat unfortunately tied to right now.  My Educational Leadership textbook...in all its 40-pages per chapter glory.  This picture cannot compare to the beautiful one that I posted yesterday, unfortunately!



Don't you just love the cover? Oh, and the international edition was cheaper :)



A Square Peg in a Round Hole

I read a post yesterday about blogging inspiration, about how sometimes a post forms itself in your mind for days before you actually write it.  I believe this is very true.  Sometimes I post out of obligation or out of excitement (see yesterday), but these aren't necessarily posts that resonate with me.  Sometimes I feel as if these posts characterize me as the silly girl who thinks she has a tough situation and is really just overreacting.  Sometimes I just feel like I don't quite fit. 

I realize that I'm not technically "infertile." One miscarriage, no IUIs, no IVF.  Despite my septate uterus (now fixed, thank goodness) and my non-functioning left tube, I'm fairly reproductively normal.  We don't know how long it will take us to conceive naturally because I only have one tube, but we have been cleared to try naturally for a few months.  With this being said, there are times when I feel vaguely like an imposter, someone who grieves but doesn't deserve to grieve with other women who have been through tougher times. 

For this reason, I have been hesitating to write about Mother's Day.  This post has been rolling around in my brain, up one side, down the other, picking up speed and then losing it again as I've tried to formulate my thoughts and my feelings.  I love Mother's Day because I believe both my mom and my mother-in-law are two of the most amazing women in the world.  I would never, ever miss an opportunity to celebrate either of them. However, Sunday was hard for me, harder than I expected.  I kept thinking, I should be 30 weeks pregnant, I should be celebrating my first mother's day, I shouldn't be sad or depressed on this day.  But I was. More than this, I felt like my feelings didn't quite fit.  I feel like I'm expected to be over this, to not mourn any more.  So why do I still feel this way? Yes, I feel this way much less than I used to. Heck, I'm pretty happy these days.  How do I explain this to others? That yes, I'm a happy girl with many wonderful things happening, but I have waves of sadness, waves of jealousy towards the pregnancies of others. I can't force people to understand me. Most of the time, I avoid talking about it to anyone because I just think they'll say "it will happen," "give it time," "just stop worrying." Where do I find a place to fit? Honestly, it's here.

The women I've "met" in the blogging world have in turn inspired me, supported me, and made me feel sane when I feel anything but.  I regularly update DH on these women.  He nods, asks questions, sympathizes like a good boy.  I'm pretty sure he wonders if I ever get any work done as I read blogs a lot (if you work with me and you're reading this, I promise I work really, really hard!)

Back to Mother's Day...I spent that day with my mom and grandma, hanging out by the pool with my sister, my dad, and DH, and then with my MIL, over a wonderful dinner with all of her children and children-in-law. It was a beautiful day, and I believe that a friend's blog post sums it up.  She has PCOS, and after two years and a miscarriage, she was blessed with a beautiful daughter, thanks to IUI.  She wrote a Mother's Day post titled,"It's Mother's Day and I'm Somebody's Mother." I  For those of us wanting a baby so badly, I believe those are the words we yearn to say.  The simple, pure, beautiful truth of being a mom.

Don't Ignore Your Strength

Dear Readers, 

I feel as if I'm finally over my "slump" of the past few days, but in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am going to blog about my struggles and about strength.  I know this post feels "heavy," but I myself am feeling much lighter this Monday afternoon. So proceed in understanding and without worry :)

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week.  While I know that my situation is small in comparison with that of other women, I will do whatever I can to advocate for myself and on the behalf of women who struggle in silence with infertility.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Women around you may struggle with infertility silently, because it's not easy to answer the question, "Why aren't you pregnant yet?"

NIAW challenged bloggers with the theme, "Don't Ignore."  Infertility is easy to ignore because it's not an outward condition.  However, it's impossible to ignore for those who suffer from infertility.  Right now I have 2 different OPKs in my purse, hoping against reality that maybe I will be ovulating. And, if I am, I then move to hoping that my right fallopian tube picks up the egg as my left tube does not function. From there, (if I even get there), I hope for a positive test and a pregnancy that lasts longer than 7 weeks.  From one milestone to the next, I would've traveled in silence if it weren't for others I've found on my journey.  We know the impossibility of ignoring our infertility, so let's not ignore the strength it takes us to make it through.

Don't Ignore Your Strength. Lazy mornings are the worst. Trying to overcome those feelings that always seem to lurk beneath the surface--inadequacy, unfairness, depression--all trying to claw their way out of my eyes in the form of tears.  Breaking from these does not mean that I don't cry; it means that I realize why I cry and take control of the situation, sometimes more successfully than others.  Why don't we hear about infertility as often as we hear about easy pregnancies? Because those women are forced to be strong, forced to realize that they have to take charge, because as Zora Neale Hurston said, "the dream is the truth." Women do not accept that their dreams are "forever on the horizon," but instead "act and do things accordingly" to achieve these dreams. What a beautiful image for infertility.  We don't know when our ship of dreams will come ashore, but we must be strong enough to believe that our dream is the truth.

Don't mistake tears for weakness.  Tears mean that we deal with our problems when they are difficult. Tears mean that we are human. Tears mean that we know the strength needed to carry on and that--in that moment--we may feel overwhelmed.  But we dry our tears, go to yet another doctor's appointment, have yet another test done.  This is strength, the strength to chase a dream that feels unattainable.  We can't forget to realize that our journey shows our strength, and our strength shows our resolve.

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.) 
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW) 

Pride and Family

Just a quick post before we go sign the official papers to sell our first home!!!

I am obsessed with fertilityfriend.com.  I read all of the posts and look at everyone's pregnancy test pics. Who knows...maybe in the far depths of my brain I believe visualization will help me get a positive test.  Obsession is just part of my personality.  I also like the community of other women dealing with the same issues and asking the same questions and having the same frustrations.  I just read a post about a woman who was upset with someone telling her she was pregnant and then saying, "we weren't even trying!!"  Now, those of you with infertility issues, you know how difficult that is to hear, but for me, seeing that this time didn't upset me.  It made me proud of what I've been through.

I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to go through all of the surgeries and all of the hormones. I'm proud of myself for getting through a few days without thinking of our little angel Malachi or how pregnant I would be right now.  I'm proud of myself when I can think positively about our future rather than dwell on how long it's taking us to get there. I'm proud of how my relationship with DH has grown over the past few months because of our struggles.  I'm proud of the other women out there who share their stories and don't try to hide the fact that sometimes it's hard to get pregnant and sometimes we can't just "relax and let it happen."

My darling sister-in-law is one of those lucky, blessed women who got pregnant easily, "without trying." Seeing my future neice or nephew on that ultrasound made me proud to be a future aunt, and proud of my sis-in-law for having the courage to tell DH and I that she was expecting and proud of her compassion and understanding throughout everything. Even though I can't say I'm thankful for my circumstances, I'm proud of what they're making me and I thank God for the relationships that have formed and been strengthed as a result.

And, on another really awesome note...my younger sister is FINALLY moving home!!! WAHOO!! Can't wait to have my shopping and Gossip Girl buddy back!!

Do Not Be Afraid

Hi y'all! I hope that there are some of you still out there reading my blog, despite my hiatus. So, since last post I have: been matron of honor in one of my bestie's weddings, packed and moved all of our belongings, moved in with the in-laws, started the cycle from hell, been accepted to grad school(!!).  PHEW. I am ready for a vacation, which DH says I tell him every day.  The past few weeks truly have been a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm FINALLY done with the hormones, and even though my cycle is royally screwed up as a result, I feel like myself again.  DH said I smiled all day yesterday; guess I was not the most pleasant person to be around when I was pumped with hormones like a non-organic chicken.

This post is a little past due, but I've been wanting to write about our Easter sermon at church.  DH and I have been "church hunting" lately, but we attended Easter service at our church home and LOVED it.  I think we may return home after all.  The title of the sermon was "Do Not Be Afraid," the first words Jesus spoke after He was risen, according to the Gospel of Matthew).  This message resonated with me for so many reasons.  I've had more than enough reasons to be afraid in the past 4 months, starting with the ill-fated visit to the emergency room in December.  Sitting here now, there are still things I'm afraid of--not getting any positive OPKs this month, taking a pregnancy test and it coming back negative, losing another baby--and for me, it's so easy to be overwhelmed by these fears that I fail to live in faith and appreciate what I have now.  I have two loving families. I have a wonderful, caring, devoted husband who wants a baby just as bad as I do. I have a job that has allowed me the time off I've needed. Do Not Be Afraid.

I know that I can't control when the stork finally finds my address or (more realistically) when my right ovary will decide to produce an egg.  Being afraid of this isn't logical; fear doesn't make things happen.  As I've mentioned before, I'm not perfect, and I know my faith and my strength will falter, but I am going to try to heed Christ's words: Do Not Be Afraid.

Now I just need someone to stamp this on my box of OPKs and new box of cheapo pregnancy tests....

For all of the fighters

Thanks to one of my dear friends for sending this picture. Sometimes it feels like the battle is overwhelming and that it would be easier (and cheaper!) to give up, but good friends make it a little more bearable.

Knowing what to say to someone struggling with "baby issues" (again, I hate the word infertility) can be frustrating. Just knowing that someone is there for you and loves you is enough. Having people stand by you, surgery after surgery, says everything. The most encouraging things people have said to me help me focus on having strength, courage, and faith, three things necessary to even keep my head above water.

So, quite simply, thank you.

I hate the word...

Infertility.

I think it's ugly.  I hate what it implies, that I am in some way, deficient.  I don't like calling my doctor my "infertility specialist." He's my doctor, or as DH (darling husband) says, he thinks he's the best (which is fine with me, by the way, because that means he gets stuff done right).

I am a perfectionist, always have been and always will be, though I do have to say my DH has tempered this quality in me since we have  been together.  I had anxiety and heartburn as early as 8th grade and then terrible anxiety attacks again in my early 20s, mainly due the pressure I put on myself to be the best, or at least better than most people.  I realize that sounds horrible, but that's how I am.  I would rather do someone else's work for them because at least I know I will do it right the first time.

All this to say that it was very much a struggle for me to come to terms with not getting pregnant right away.  WHAT?! Me NOT get something?! Hold.The.Phone. I get what I want because I work hard for it.  Period. So this notion of not being able to work hard and therefore earn something as a result was foreign to me.  Having "infertility issues" doesn't fit my way of life.  Or it didn't. 

I'm still learning, but I would like to think that this process and this label have made me more self-reflective, having to ask why do I feel this way and is it valid? It feels like hundreds of people have gotten pregnant in the last five months that we've been going through our infertility issues.  At first, this offended me.  How DARE Jennifer Garner get pregnant.  Or Jessica Simpson.  Or Snooki.  Or Reese Witherspoon.  Or Sienna Miller.  Or Insert-Name-of-One-of-My-Many-Pregnant-Friends Here .  And no, I do not personally know these famous people, but duh, they shouldn't get something that I'm not allowed to have. 

As the journey has progressed, I've learned that this is not a personal attack against me; it's life.  Plain and simple.  I've only gotten to that place through copious amounts of prayer and reflection,  and I still harbor a few envious thoughts towards these women, but I've learned that my issues are my journey and that they're bringing me to some place so much greater than where I was.  I am still not perfect in this thinking, nor will I ever be, but I'm getting there (in first place, naturally).