Because we have to

My husband and I watched 60 Minutes last night, at least the part about the Newton school shootings.  We're not big TV/news watchers, but he wanted to talk about the tragedy, be informed about it, and deal with our emotions over the tragedy.  Why? Because we have to.  In my world, I would rather sweep it under the rug.  But I can't.  I work at a school and see hundreds of children a day.  Both my sister-in-laws and my mother-in-law are elementary school teachers, two of them teaching first grade.  I am just heartbroken, as we all are.  I don't want to engaged in any sensationalism.  I don't want to post anything on FB about how if we had gun control or if we had prayer in schools or if we didn't have gun control...I just want to think about and pray for these families. 

Not only is this a horrible tragedy, but it's a horrible tragedy near Christmas.  On my drive to work this morning, I thought about all the presents the parents of the victims had already bought for them.  I thought about how these parents would now have to deal with loss and even worse, the memories of what could have been or what was planned to be.  That's how my mind works, focusing on little details that would break my heart.  I don't know how you grieve the loss of an innocent child.  Not that the principal and teachers deserve any less grief.  All were innocent.  I think we have a harder time understanding the deaths of children than we do of adults, but that doesn't make one any less tragic than the other. 

Sparky and I had no words.  We had no real discussion about the situation--I don't think words were needed.  I am sad that I am bringing Daniel (he deserves a name in this discussion)  into a world where tragedies like this happen and that I won't be able to protect him from these things.  But this doesn't change the fact that I will be the best mother I can to him and try to protect him from the things that I can. 

Unfortunately, my school is not only dealing with this tragedy but with another tragedy as well.  We had a third grade girl pass away Saturday morning from complications of the flu.  A little eight year old girl.  I didn't know her, but I grieve for her family now as well, and for her little classmates who are so young, and too young to truly understand all of this. 

An Omen

I don't really belive in omens, persay, but when I visited Greece in college, we went to the site of the Delphic oracle. I think the whole idea of someone who can predict the future is so intriguing, but I'm not sure I'd necessarily want to know, even if I could find out.

Last night I attended my breasfeeding class.  This was my practice baby:


"You want me to eat drink from WHERE?!"  Caption courtesy of DD



Please caption this picture.

And please pray that this is not an omen of how my child will react to seeing me the first time. 

And for the record, mine was the only practice baby that looked like this.

30 Weeks!

Good morning blogettes!  I hit the 30 week mark over the weekend and I think I'm still a little in shock that we only have 10 weeks until Baby Boy arrives.  I told Sparky that I wanted a birthstone cross in remembrance of BB's birth, but my mom made a good point this weekend: there's always the chance that BB will be here in January.  Both Sparky and I were early, but Dr. N. has given us no indication that BB will follow suit.  My first internal exam is in four weeks so I guess we'll know more then.

In the meantime, I think I've hit the nesting stage.  I can find no more exciting way to spend my days than organizing my house.  All of my thoughts revolve around hanging nursery decorations and putting together baby stuff and setting up the formal dining room to look like something other than a storage place for boxes.  I know I'm driving Sparky nuts with my incessant need to have EVERYTHING done NOW.  He's told me I have to make a priority list, and that the stroller doesn't have to be assembled this minute.  I'm hosting DD's shower on December 22, so as long as the dining room looks presentable, the nursery is finished, and the game room more than a storage area by that date, I'll be happy.  (that sounds like quite a list, I'm aware).

My wonderful mom and I spent all day Saturday returning repeat shower gifts and buying things to organize the nursery.  We now have a crib mattress and a cute little toy chest.  I didn't realize how much storage I would need, but after seeing all of our shower gifts, it was painfully obvious that I was grossly understocked in the basket department.  A trip to Home Goods later, and all baskets had been purchased, along with a cute little table for beside my glider (the as of yet unassembled glider residing in my formal storage area dining room, not that I'm obsessing...). 

I can't wait to post finished pics of the nursery. BB's monogram has had issues, but I should have it up on the wall by the end of the week!  I also have a cute idea for a 30 week bump pic, but I forgot to get Sparky to take a picture this weekend, so pic forthcoming of that as well. 



so far, no monogram on wall



inside of crib. polka dot sheets, stripe crib skirt, breathable crib bumper. The yellow giraffe was Malachi's



While all of these things are wonderful and make me so incredibly happy, I finally broke down and made myself an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.  I started seeing him over three years ago, and he's the reason I was able to go off of my anxiety meds and work through some issues that I had held onto for a while, but I haven't needed to see him since the summer of 2009.  I need to be able to cope with the anxiety that this pregnancy has brought and with my fears about the baby.  Sparky doesn't know how to help me, and I think I scare him when I tell him I'm scared about the baby's movements, etc.  Therapy is a struggle for me because I hate admitting that I need help and that I can't take care of everything on my own.  I'm sure I'll contemplate cancelling the appointment a hundred times today because right now, I feel fine.  But I will go this afternoon and hopefully come away with a little more strength than I have right now.

And following therapy, a class on breastfeeding until 8:30 tonight. I hope they don't expect pregnant women to go until 8:30 without eating!

Gifts for Guys

As I mentioned in my preview post yesterday, Boring Blog tipped me off to a "link-up" hosted by Moxie Wife, compiling lists of gifts for guys.  DH (who I think I will call Sparky from now on as that's how I jokingly refer to him at home) is very difficult to buy gifts for.  He's picky about clothes and likes gifts to be special.  Gifts should be heart-felt and God forbid he not be surprised! He HATES having any idea of what he's getting.  The year he knew I was buying him a watch, I made sure to wrap the watch box in one package and the actual watch somewhere else so that he would still be surprised.  He gifts the same way he expects people to give--he is thoughtful and genuine and creative.  The year I got my third band for my wedding/engagement ring set, he wrapped the ring in a 55" TV box.  Two years ago, my earrings were hanging from the Christmas tree.

All that to say that Sparky presents a particular problem: creativity.  I always start thinking of gifts early, though I just started buying last week.  Sparky is a die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan which helps in  gift purchasing, especially now that we have a media room for all of his paraphernalia.  He loves to be outdoors and he's definitely a guy's guy.  A few of my top picks for him this year (and please, don't spill the beans if you run into Sparky on the street)...

Monogrammed whiskey decanter, packaged with a good aged rum


Pottery Barn

Steeler's Personalized Beer Mug. Pottery Barn also has a great vintage football stein, but the price was pretty steep ($70) compared to the $24 for the mug


Also Pottery Barn. 

I was on a Pottery Barn kick! I loved this watch and cuff link box as well, but seeing as Sparky is a no-frills kind of guy, I thought he may think it was kind of silly. 
Whiskey stones will be one of his stocking stuffers, and I will also have a Steeler's Terrible Towel embroidered with the baby's name in his stocking. He's dead set on covering Baby Boy with a Terrible Towel while Baby Boy is in the nursery at the hospital.  Dr. N. has given her approval.  I'm pretty sure if Sparky wrote a birth plan, that would be in it.  

Moxie Wife posted a link to a magnetic cuff for men to use that holds nails, screws, etc. while they're working, and I think I may get one of these too.  Sparky will laugh at it, but as he is such a handyman, I thought it would be a fun little gift, and for $10, it's a cheap stocking stuffer.

My last gift idea is a photo collage book.  I probably won't be making one right now, but I gave Sparky one for our anniversary and he adored it.  Shutterfly produces a great quality book and they're always running specials. 

Sparky and I set a strict budget for gifts this year, as neither of us is very good at "reasonable" spending, so with my remaining budget (approx. $90) after purchasing the above items, I plan on getting him some new work out shorts/tops. That doesn't sound very fun, but the boy's shorts have lost their elastic.  He was dancing around last night--Sparky is nuts--and his pants just fall down.  Time for new pants.  And, I'm a little embarassed to admit and I'm sure he'll love that I'm sharing this...He asked for a Ke$ha CD.  He loves running to her music.  I'm ashamed...

This is our fifth married Christmas, and we have a tradition.  I wake up early and make biscuits and sausage, put up a big pot of coffee, and mix the mimosas.  I have the table by the tree set and then I wake Sparky up.  We eat and give the dog her stocking and then we leisurely open gifts.  I love this tradition, even though there will be no champagne in my mimosa this year.  Even with Baby Boy, I want to keep this tradition.  It may look a little different, or it may have to happen on Christmas Eve when baby is in bed, but I cherish those early-morning memories more than I do the gift opening. 

Check out Moxie Wife and Boring Blog for some great guy gift ideas!

Preview Post: What to buy a husband

I'm SO excited about tomorrow's post! I found this from my friend at Boring Blog and decided, what a great way to end the first week in December!  I will participating in a link up with Moxie Wife's blog on the post Awesome Gifts for Guys.  Stay tuned...I think I have some great gifts planned!

Pictures

I know I have a mixed audience here, so I will warn you that this post contains pregnant pictures.  A lot of you readers who have recently "fallen pregnant" (to use what I think is the British phrase) have started new blogs to document pregnancy.  I'm not sure if a new blog is for me.  I love my space here and I love my readers, and I don't necessarily want to separate my pregnancy from what led up to it.  So my blog will still deal with issues but will also deal with baby and life (recipes, crazy parenting stories, pleas for help).  I hope that my post titles will help those of you in delicate positions know whether or not you want to read, but I certainly don't want to lose my readers :)

Speaking of recipes, I made an easy pad thai the other night that was to die for! DH and I will now have it as a staple in our house.  Here's the link: easy pad thai.  I added rotisserie chicken that we had bought that day and I 1.5x's the sauce to add more flavor. 

Before the pictures, I have a Christmas Cookie candle burning in my office, quite possibly the best smelling candle EVER!!!

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Preview of maternity pics, unedited as of yet. I LOVE our pup in this pic!
copyright AJP 2012

  

29 weeks, our Christmas tree



My first baby shower, with my younger bro and sis

One Year Ago

One year ago, we learned that our baby had no heartbeat.  We learned that my uterus would never be capable of carrying a baby to full term.  One year ago, I sat at a Mexican restaurant, drinking a margarita, seemingly ok with the decision we had made to miscarry naturally (which incidentally did not happen).  I can't believe that was one year ago.  I can't believe that I thought I was ok, and that even after the D&C that I felt ok about everything.  The reality and full force of loss didn't truly hit me until February or March, almost three months after Malachi had come and gone.  I'm still floored by that, and I wonder how many other women experience that delayed sense of grief.  What has changed in year? Here's the short, easy list:

• We fixed my uterus. 
• I'm pregnant again, for real this time.
• I have found an amazing network of women through this blog.
• DH and I have grown in ways I never imagined. I'm more in love with him now than I've ever been.
• I've experienced the roller coaster that is hormone therapy.
• I empathize so keenly with all women who have experienced loss. 
• I've realized the true and absolute blessing of being able to conceive a child, something I thought would always "just happen."

Now, for the most life-altering thing that has happened over the past year: loss and grief have changed the way I view pregnancy.  I have never been a "just-let-it-go" type of person, and those of you who read my blog already know that.  I read too much and typically know too much.  But loss has only exacerbated this.  I feared the first 6 weeks of my pregnancy that I would have another chemical pregnancy or another no heartbeat ultrasound.  Had I never experienced loss, I never would've understood this overwhelming, heartbreaking fear.  Now, finally in the third trimester, I fear for the health of my baby.  I fear that I could still lose him, as women I've met through this blog have.  I fear that I would not be able to continue on if something happened to Baby Boy.  I fear that my worry and anxiety will destroy my relationship with DH.  I blame this on loss.  I lost my innocence towards pregnancy when I lost Malachi.  Now, I believe that if I can just think about every little thing, if I can just make sure his heart is beating strong all the time, that I can take care of him, that I can protect him from anything bad that may happen between now and February--this isn't necessarily true, though.  I can't protect him.  And when he arrives, I know that I won't be able to protect him from the world, and I don't want to.  I want him to learn and experience, and if that experience hurts, then he will learn how to deal with hurt as I have learned to deal with loss. 

There is a lot of fear in that last paragraph.  Faith trumps fear, I know, both faith in God and faith in Baby Boy.  Faith that I will hold my baby in my arms in 10 weeks.  My faith has been strengthened by loss, but it has also been challenged, more than I'd like to admit.  I can only pray for Baby Boy and for myself, really, that this fear takes a back seat to the joy that is new life.