Because we have to

My husband and I watched 60 Minutes last night, at least the part about the Newton school shootings.  We're not big TV/news watchers, but he wanted to talk about the tragedy, be informed about it, and deal with our emotions over the tragedy.  Why? Because we have to.  In my world, I would rather sweep it under the rug.  But I can't.  I work at a school and see hundreds of children a day.  Both my sister-in-laws and my mother-in-law are elementary school teachers, two of them teaching first grade.  I am just heartbroken, as we all are.  I don't want to engaged in any sensationalism.  I don't want to post anything on FB about how if we had gun control or if we had prayer in schools or if we didn't have gun control...I just want to think about and pray for these families. 

Not only is this a horrible tragedy, but it's a horrible tragedy near Christmas.  On my drive to work this morning, I thought about all the presents the parents of the victims had already bought for them.  I thought about how these parents would now have to deal with loss and even worse, the memories of what could have been or what was planned to be.  That's how my mind works, focusing on little details that would break my heart.  I don't know how you grieve the loss of an innocent child.  Not that the principal and teachers deserve any less grief.  All were innocent.  I think we have a harder time understanding the deaths of children than we do of adults, but that doesn't make one any less tragic than the other. 

Sparky and I had no words.  We had no real discussion about the situation--I don't think words were needed.  I am sad that I am bringing Daniel (he deserves a name in this discussion)  into a world where tragedies like this happen and that I won't be able to protect him from these things.  But this doesn't change the fact that I will be the best mother I can to him and try to protect him from the things that I can. 

Unfortunately, my school is not only dealing with this tragedy but with another tragedy as well.  We had a third grade girl pass away Saturday morning from complications of the flu.  A little eight year old girl.  I didn't know her, but I grieve for her family now as well, and for her little classmates who are so young, and too young to truly understand all of this. 

An Omen

I don't really belive in omens, persay, but when I visited Greece in college, we went to the site of the Delphic oracle. I think the whole idea of someone who can predict the future is so intriguing, but I'm not sure I'd necessarily want to know, even if I could find out.

Last night I attended my breasfeeding class.  This was my practice baby:


"You want me to eat drink from WHERE?!"  Caption courtesy of DD



Please caption this picture.

And please pray that this is not an omen of how my child will react to seeing me the first time. 

And for the record, mine was the only practice baby that looked like this.

30 Weeks!

Good morning blogettes!  I hit the 30 week mark over the weekend and I think I'm still a little in shock that we only have 10 weeks until Baby Boy arrives.  I told Sparky that I wanted a birthstone cross in remembrance of BB's birth, but my mom made a good point this weekend: there's always the chance that BB will be here in January.  Both Sparky and I were early, but Dr. N. has given us no indication that BB will follow suit.  My first internal exam is in four weeks so I guess we'll know more then.

In the meantime, I think I've hit the nesting stage.  I can find no more exciting way to spend my days than organizing my house.  All of my thoughts revolve around hanging nursery decorations and putting together baby stuff and setting up the formal dining room to look like something other than a storage place for boxes.  I know I'm driving Sparky nuts with my incessant need to have EVERYTHING done NOW.  He's told me I have to make a priority list, and that the stroller doesn't have to be assembled this minute.  I'm hosting DD's shower on December 22, so as long as the dining room looks presentable, the nursery is finished, and the game room more than a storage area by that date, I'll be happy.  (that sounds like quite a list, I'm aware).

My wonderful mom and I spent all day Saturday returning repeat shower gifts and buying things to organize the nursery.  We now have a crib mattress and a cute little toy chest.  I didn't realize how much storage I would need, but after seeing all of our shower gifts, it was painfully obvious that I was grossly understocked in the basket department.  A trip to Home Goods later, and all baskets had been purchased, along with a cute little table for beside my glider (the as of yet unassembled glider residing in my formal storage area dining room, not that I'm obsessing...). 

I can't wait to post finished pics of the nursery. BB's monogram has had issues, but I should have it up on the wall by the end of the week!  I also have a cute idea for a 30 week bump pic, but I forgot to get Sparky to take a picture this weekend, so pic forthcoming of that as well. 



so far, no monogram on wall



inside of crib. polka dot sheets, stripe crib skirt, breathable crib bumper. The yellow giraffe was Malachi's



While all of these things are wonderful and make me so incredibly happy, I finally broke down and made myself an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.  I started seeing him over three years ago, and he's the reason I was able to go off of my anxiety meds and work through some issues that I had held onto for a while, but I haven't needed to see him since the summer of 2009.  I need to be able to cope with the anxiety that this pregnancy has brought and with my fears about the baby.  Sparky doesn't know how to help me, and I think I scare him when I tell him I'm scared about the baby's movements, etc.  Therapy is a struggle for me because I hate admitting that I need help and that I can't take care of everything on my own.  I'm sure I'll contemplate cancelling the appointment a hundred times today because right now, I feel fine.  But I will go this afternoon and hopefully come away with a little more strength than I have right now.

And following therapy, a class on breastfeeding until 8:30 tonight. I hope they don't expect pregnant women to go until 8:30 without eating!

Gifts for Guys

As I mentioned in my preview post yesterday, Boring Blog tipped me off to a "link-up" hosted by Moxie Wife, compiling lists of gifts for guys.  DH (who I think I will call Sparky from now on as that's how I jokingly refer to him at home) is very difficult to buy gifts for.  He's picky about clothes and likes gifts to be special.  Gifts should be heart-felt and God forbid he not be surprised! He HATES having any idea of what he's getting.  The year he knew I was buying him a watch, I made sure to wrap the watch box in one package and the actual watch somewhere else so that he would still be surprised.  He gifts the same way he expects people to give--he is thoughtful and genuine and creative.  The year I got my third band for my wedding/engagement ring set, he wrapped the ring in a 55" TV box.  Two years ago, my earrings were hanging from the Christmas tree.

All that to say that Sparky presents a particular problem: creativity.  I always start thinking of gifts early, though I just started buying last week.  Sparky is a die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan which helps in  gift purchasing, especially now that we have a media room for all of his paraphernalia.  He loves to be outdoors and he's definitely a guy's guy.  A few of my top picks for him this year (and please, don't spill the beans if you run into Sparky on the street)...

Monogrammed whiskey decanter, packaged with a good aged rum


Pottery Barn

Steeler's Personalized Beer Mug. Pottery Barn also has a great vintage football stein, but the price was pretty steep ($70) compared to the $24 for the mug


Also Pottery Barn. 

I was on a Pottery Barn kick! I loved this watch and cuff link box as well, but seeing as Sparky is a no-frills kind of guy, I thought he may think it was kind of silly. 
Whiskey stones will be one of his stocking stuffers, and I will also have a Steeler's Terrible Towel embroidered with the baby's name in his stocking. He's dead set on covering Baby Boy with a Terrible Towel while Baby Boy is in the nursery at the hospital.  Dr. N. has given her approval.  I'm pretty sure if Sparky wrote a birth plan, that would be in it.  

Moxie Wife posted a link to a magnetic cuff for men to use that holds nails, screws, etc. while they're working, and I think I may get one of these too.  Sparky will laugh at it, but as he is such a handyman, I thought it would be a fun little gift, and for $10, it's a cheap stocking stuffer.

My last gift idea is a photo collage book.  I probably won't be making one right now, but I gave Sparky one for our anniversary and he adored it.  Shutterfly produces a great quality book and they're always running specials. 

Sparky and I set a strict budget for gifts this year, as neither of us is very good at "reasonable" spending, so with my remaining budget (approx. $90) after purchasing the above items, I plan on getting him some new work out shorts/tops. That doesn't sound very fun, but the boy's shorts have lost their elastic.  He was dancing around last night--Sparky is nuts--and his pants just fall down.  Time for new pants.  And, I'm a little embarassed to admit and I'm sure he'll love that I'm sharing this...He asked for a Ke$ha CD.  He loves running to her music.  I'm ashamed...

This is our fifth married Christmas, and we have a tradition.  I wake up early and make biscuits and sausage, put up a big pot of coffee, and mix the mimosas.  I have the table by the tree set and then I wake Sparky up.  We eat and give the dog her stocking and then we leisurely open gifts.  I love this tradition, even though there will be no champagne in my mimosa this year.  Even with Baby Boy, I want to keep this tradition.  It may look a little different, or it may have to happen on Christmas Eve when baby is in bed, but I cherish those early-morning memories more than I do the gift opening. 

Check out Moxie Wife and Boring Blog for some great guy gift ideas!

Preview Post: What to buy a husband

I'm SO excited about tomorrow's post! I found this from my friend at Boring Blog and decided, what a great way to end the first week in December!  I will participating in a link up with Moxie Wife's blog on the post Awesome Gifts for Guys.  Stay tuned...I think I have some great gifts planned!

Pictures

I know I have a mixed audience here, so I will warn you that this post contains pregnant pictures.  A lot of you readers who have recently "fallen pregnant" (to use what I think is the British phrase) have started new blogs to document pregnancy.  I'm not sure if a new blog is for me.  I love my space here and I love my readers, and I don't necessarily want to separate my pregnancy from what led up to it.  So my blog will still deal with issues but will also deal with baby and life (recipes, crazy parenting stories, pleas for help).  I hope that my post titles will help those of you in delicate positions know whether or not you want to read, but I certainly don't want to lose my readers :)

Speaking of recipes, I made an easy pad thai the other night that was to die for! DH and I will now have it as a staple in our house.  Here's the link: easy pad thai.  I added rotisserie chicken that we had bought that day and I 1.5x's the sauce to add more flavor. 

Before the pictures, I have a Christmas Cookie candle burning in my office, quite possibly the best smelling candle EVER!!!

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Preview of maternity pics, unedited as of yet. I LOVE our pup in this pic!
copyright AJP 2012

  

29 weeks, our Christmas tree



My first baby shower, with my younger bro and sis

One Year Ago

One year ago, we learned that our baby had no heartbeat.  We learned that my uterus would never be capable of carrying a baby to full term.  One year ago, I sat at a Mexican restaurant, drinking a margarita, seemingly ok with the decision we had made to miscarry naturally (which incidentally did not happen).  I can't believe that was one year ago.  I can't believe that I thought I was ok, and that even after the D&C that I felt ok about everything.  The reality and full force of loss didn't truly hit me until February or March, almost three months after Malachi had come and gone.  I'm still floored by that, and I wonder how many other women experience that delayed sense of grief.  What has changed in year? Here's the short, easy list:

• We fixed my uterus. 
• I'm pregnant again, for real this time.
• I have found an amazing network of women through this blog.
• DH and I have grown in ways I never imagined. I'm more in love with him now than I've ever been.
• I've experienced the roller coaster that is hormone therapy.
• I empathize so keenly with all women who have experienced loss. 
• I've realized the true and absolute blessing of being able to conceive a child, something I thought would always "just happen."

Now, for the most life-altering thing that has happened over the past year: loss and grief have changed the way I view pregnancy.  I have never been a "just-let-it-go" type of person, and those of you who read my blog already know that.  I read too much and typically know too much.  But loss has only exacerbated this.  I feared the first 6 weeks of my pregnancy that I would have another chemical pregnancy or another no heartbeat ultrasound.  Had I never experienced loss, I never would've understood this overwhelming, heartbreaking fear.  Now, finally in the third trimester, I fear for the health of my baby.  I fear that I could still lose him, as women I've met through this blog have.  I fear that I would not be able to continue on if something happened to Baby Boy.  I fear that my worry and anxiety will destroy my relationship with DH.  I blame this on loss.  I lost my innocence towards pregnancy when I lost Malachi.  Now, I believe that if I can just think about every little thing, if I can just make sure his heart is beating strong all the time, that I can take care of him, that I can protect him from anything bad that may happen between now and February--this isn't necessarily true, though.  I can't protect him.  And when he arrives, I know that I won't be able to protect him from the world, and I don't want to.  I want him to learn and experience, and if that experience hurts, then he will learn how to deal with hurt as I have learned to deal with loss. 

There is a lot of fear in that last paragraph.  Faith trumps fear, I know, both faith in God and faith in Baby Boy.  Faith that I will hold my baby in my arms in 10 weeks.  My faith has been strengthened by loss, but it has also been challenged, more than I'd like to admit.  I can only pray for Baby Boy and for myself, really, that this fear takes a back seat to the joy that is new life. 

Updates and upcoming excitement

I've been a terrible blogger lately.  I guess I'm lacking inspiration, and I'm quite busy with work and finishing my first semester of grad school.  We were gone for four days over Thanksgiving break, and the days before Thanksgiving were spent working around the house with hubs.  A brief update on Baby Boy...

• Last prenatal appointment with Dr. N. went well.  Gestational diabetes test was negative, though I am not allowed to gain more than one pound a week. I've gained quite a bit so far and left the appointment rather upset about this.  I exercise 4 to 5 times a week and am very careful about what I eat, so seeing the scale took me by surprise. I'm now walking/lifting weights 6 days a week (an hour each day) and have cut out all bad stuff from my diet, including my vanilla frozen yogurt with hot fudge (boo hiss).  Hopefully I will stay within my weight gain range, or more than that, hopefully the weight won't stay around long afterwards.
• DH will now  be going to every appt. with me as I'm going twice monthly. INSANE!
• At my next appt (Tues. 12/4) we should find out if I have to a have a C section as a result of all of my uterine surgeries. I'm hoping no. 
• Baby Boy seems to be a pretty quiet baby, so quiet that the nurse had me come in on Tuesday so she could monitor his heart because he was only moving about every three hours.  He seriously freaks me out with this stunt!  That evening, he was crazy baby, of course. 
• Last night I'm pretty sure I felt my first Braxton Hicks.  (maybe not, I've never had a baby before, so who knows). The whole area around my belly button got tight and cramped terribly.  It was horrible. I had two in twenty minutes and then I was fine, but my belly was still sore this morning.  These pains were accompanied by some pressure "down there." I thought about calling the nurse line, but once the pains went away, I figured I was fine.  I thought I was done worrying after the first trimester, but the feeling of not knowing and not being able to do anything doesn't ever go away.
• My first baby shower is this Saturday!! It seems early, but I didn't want to impose on anyone's holidays, and mid-January is a little late to start getting baby stuff. 

And on that note...in January, I will be having my last baby shower.  At our church, there are six families who all have daughters/daughters-in-law the same age (that's approximately 12 daughters).  These six women--including my MIL--throw every daughter a bridal and baby shower.  From September to March, they will have hosted four baby showers!  It's a veritable baby boom among the daughters. My SIL, myself, and two other girls will all have babies within six months of each other.  I'm so blessed to be a part of this group of women.  One of my BFFs is also a part of this group and will be helping host my baby shower.  That's the new era: the daughters are now helping with the planning! I will be helping with the March baby shower (I hope). 

Every time I look at my baby registry, I worry that baby will not have what he needs. I know it's silly, especially (as bff DD said) when women hundreds of years ago raised babies with nothing.  The funny thing about baby stuff is that we buy all this STUFF that we hope helps the baby and mommy stay sane, but we really don't know if it will work.  Baby Boy could love the vibrating chair. Or hate it. He could love the swing.  Or hate it.  He could love the nap nanny. Or hate it.  Really, I have no idea what to expect.  Trial by fire I guess.  I go back and forth as to whether or not I want to cloth diaper.  I LOVE the idea but I'm also overwhelmed and frightened by it, despite the numerous hours of research I've done on the topic.  There are so many decisions to make, and with less than 12 weeks less, I hope I'm making the right ones. 

After New Years, we will only have six weeks. SIX!!! AHH!!  So, over Christmas break, I will be writing my sub plans for my long-term substitute.  I will be returning to work the second week in April if Baby Boy makes his due date.  I will be at school to teach and have meetings in the morning and then leave around 11:30, pick up Baby Boy, and work from home in the afternoon.  Baby Boy will be with an at-home sitter with his cousin, Elyse, in the mornings.  My SIL and BIL were pleased with this sitter, and once Elyse starts seeing her in January, we will confirm our decision as well.  Both DH and BIL are off work every other Friday, so Fridays will be boys-and-babies day. 

Here I am, officially in my third trimester.  Officially two-thirds of the way through.  Looking forward to my baby shower, throwing DD's baby shower (more about this later! I couldn't be more excited!), and Christmas! 

I'll post a bump pic after my shower.  I'm kind of obsessed with my shower outfit iincluding the heels, which are way too high to wear to work but will be manageable for three hours :)  I also haven't revealed Baby Boy's name to all of my blog friends yet.  I think I'm going to wait until he's born...all my real-life friends and family know, but I like the secret, even though it's not really a secret.

Ups and Downs

I'm 27 weeks and a few days pregnant.  Almost into the 3rd trimester.  About 88 days from my due date.  Wow. Just wow.  After the first trimester crept by, I can't believe that I'm actually here, or that my belly is here.  I've gotten immune to its size and don't see too many changes, but everyone else certainly does.  The most recent and awkward development: putting on shoes/boots has become quite a challenge.  As y'all know, I love shoes.  I love boots even more.  As we would say as kids, if I could marry boots, I would.  DH thinks my obsession with boots is wrong; I contend that this obsession is only wrong if I spend my whole paycheck on the Tory Burch brown riding boots that I want. Or the tall Frye riding boots.  Which I won't, because well, the boots won't help outfit the baby or finish the nursery or buy people Christmas presents.  But I digress...

This week has finally brought cool enough weather where I felt ok wearing boots and leggings.  My internal space heater (aka Baby Boy) determines my wardrobe, and I'm pretty sure I will not wear a coat at all this season.  So, on Monday, I went to pull on my fav gray boots.  Temp outside: low 40s.  Fan on in bedroom.  Oh. My. Goodness.  First of all, no position is comfortable when leaning over belly to pull on said boots.  Commence side laying on bed trying to pull on boots.  Commence J sweating like mad (in her skinny black pants and bra).  I'm sure this would have been a video to see on America's Funniest Home Videos.  And to top it off...I lost all my socks in the move, so I had to take my boots off at work to change my socks! (I work with my mom and she brought me socks. I love that woman.  Who else would bring you trouser socks at 7:30 am?!)  I told one of my non-prego BFFs this story and she died laughing.  I really think women should be warned about the boot-pulling-on struggles of pregnancy (she says tongue-in-cheek, realizing that she would give anything to have these struggles again).

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Yesterday, DH and I went to church.  We've been attending this church since we started dating again, 7 and a half years ago.  We often see a family with a severely handicapped child.  This boy has grown so much since we started attending, but he's wheelchair bound with clear mental and physical handicaps.  DH has always had a soft spot for mentally handicapped children.  Whenever we talked about pregnancy, we talked about these possibilities, about wanting to have babies but worried about the risks as well.  With Baby Boy, we declined the NT scan and we declined any bloodwork to test for issues.  We had faith in Dr. N's basic assessment that everything looks amazing.  Why did we decline? Well, I couldn't and wouldn't have changed Baby Boy's fate.  One of my students said in class last Friday (in reference to the TLC show about the girls who share a body) that she would've never wanted to give birth to a child like that.  I told her that you think that until you see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, and you know in your heart that you could never, ever, kill that heartbeat, that little pod-shaped baby. 

I was catching up on my blogs last night and read an update by L.  I'd link her blog here, but she's private now and I don't want to compromise that.  She got "bad" blood test results from her 12 week bloodwork.  There is the possibility of neural tube defects or placental defects.  I have faith for her that everything will work out, because without this faith, I would have nothing, and because I've read so many stories where the tests are inaccurate and a level 2 ultrasound shows no issues.  But reading the post kind of threw me for a loop.  DH was out at a friend's house and when he came home, I started crying. I told him I know we made the decision to decline the tests, but that having a baby with "issues" scared me, scared me because I didn't want to lose DH over the difficulties of a less-than-healthy baby.

He surprised me in his answer.  While he held me, he told me this story.  He said that at church that morning, he was looking at the handicapped boy and he saw the boy looking up at his dad with such love.  He said he realized then that though the boy was handicapped, it didn't change the relationship he had with his dad, and that whatever comes with Baby Boy, we will accept and move on with life, however different that life may be.  He couldn't have said anything better.  Though I may still be anxious until I see my boy, I've realized that with DH and faith, life will go on. 

My thoughts and prayers go out to L as she endures the week before her level 2 ultrasound.  As I go through my day today--vacation started!--she won't be far from my thoughts, especially when I'm at my prenatal appt.  I'm sure I'll ask Dr. N. about these things, because that's just what I do.  I continue to pray that things keep going well for us and Baby Boy.  My boys are the best part of my life, and this week, more than anything else, I'm so, so thankful for them.  I can't imagine going through life without either DH or Baby Boy.  It's amazing that 27 weeks can change our perspective on life and love.

Rambling

My heart goes out to Jenn @ Future Fords. She's going through a loss right now after being diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. Stop by and leave her and her hubs some love. I'm always amazed how the losses of others can bring back such poignant memories of our own. These babies are always with us, even when we're blessed enough to get a second (or third, or fourth) chance at a miracle.


I don't have much else to say, but I will leave you with a pic of my dog, all snuggled up and warm. As soon as it gets cold outside, she heads straight for our bed! She won't get up there when DH is home, but as soon as he leaves (or is away on business), she thinks this is her personal home. Wish I was as warm and cozy and carefree as her :)




If I had my white sheets on the bed, she'd be incognito

Peace, Pants, and Prune Juice

This baby-carrying thing is no joke.  Ok, the actually baby-carrying is pretty easy, but the emotional ups and downs are crazy.  I spent Saturday night in Austin with DH's grandma after celebrating my aunt's 60th birthday.  The day was wonderful--I got to see two of my cousins who I grew up with but rarely see now that we are all adults.  My one cousin, S, has two kids of her own.  The first was a Clomid baby and the second, well, the second was unexpected and the two kids are only 14 months apart.  They are absolute dolls!  My other cousin, M, and his wife are currently going through the rigorous and looonnnngg adoption process, expecting a baby from Ethiopia within the next six to eight months.  I couldn't be happier for M and E and I think they are doing a wonderful thing.  After a wonderful afternoon, I spent a relaxing evening with DH's grandma and her husband. 

The whole day and evening were wonderful, yet I still felt a shadow of fear hanging over me.  I left my Doppler at home, and Baby Boy seems to be a pretty lazy baby, so I was anxious a lot of the day.  I have such a hard time believing and trusting that everything is ok.  I pray incessantly, and finally, on Sunday, I felt peaceful, and the past two days, Baby Boy has definitely made his presence known.  As I have been sitting here, writing my research paper and now this post, I have gotten anxious and worried.  I did run downstairs to check the heartbeat with the doppler, but I will proudly report I hadn't used the doppler since last Friday.  Last week, I started feeling crampy again (tummy and back), and this cramping really extended all through Saturday.  During my aunt's birthday lunch, I stood up for a good half hour after eating  just so I could feel some relief.  And here's the TMI...I think it's because I'm just full of...poop. Really, I can't even remember the last time I, well, you know.

Finally, today after work, I stopped by the grocery store and bought prune juice and lemon juice (lemon juice and water heated up is awesome for constipation).  DH--still in Finland--laughed and said it was just like college.  I was the girl who kept prune juice in her fridge in college. Gross, I know.  I HATE prune juice.  Today, I tried to put a squiggly straw in it to make drinking easier. Still just as gross.  But it works.  I definitely feel less crampy!

Adding to the cramping has been my love/hate relationship with maternity pants.  More hate than love.  The pants have this stupid tough seam that sits right on my lower belly and hurts so bad.  I thought maternity pants were supposed to last nine months...yeah right.  But I didn't want to be shallow or superfluous, so I was avoiding buying new pants, trying to maintain my budget and savings for baby.  I started crying today and wrote to DH about my pant issues, and he responded with go buy pants, silly girl, why have you waited so long.  He said I couldn't squish baby like that :)  Pants-buying will commence this weekend, after the reseach paper is completed (almost there!). 

And finally, this thought.  I can't imagine the love I will have for this baby.  I love DH so much, and really, this love has increased tenfold just in the last year and a half; how does that compare to how much I will love this baby? How do you ever have enough room in your heart to love that much?

Insanity

My job is crazy stressful right now and I don't think Baby Boy likes it. I'm trying to find something to hold on to amidst the calm.  I feel like every time I figure out one problem, another one pops up, just like whack-a-mole.  I'm trying to find peace in baby, in knowing that he's there.  I like to sit in his nursery and just think.  Here's a picture of the wall the crib will be on in the nursery.  The painting isn't done yet and his monogram isn't up, but this is a nice, happy thing for me to think about when I can't find much else.


Crib wall (blue is not so bright in person)

NEW PHOTO! My dad started the other walls today.  He's just amazing in the work he can do :) So blessed to have a contractor as my dad!



all blue walls would be too dark, so the other walls will be neutral with blue stripes.

 

On being passive aggressive

(I have lots that I should be doing right now, but I wanted to post this before the thoughts flew out of my head)  And, while I do share my beliefs below, I'm not looking for any sort of argument about them.  This is  above issues and political parties. 

I am a naturally passive aggressive person. I shy away from confrontation.  I've gotten much better about this since I've held leadership positions for over five years now because sometimes confrontation is absolutely necessary.  I don't get into heated arguments with friend. We don't talk about politics or religion or money and honestly, I'm ok with that.  If we wanted to have these discussions, we would do so in a civil, friendly manner.  I have the best friends in the world regardless of who we vote for. 

BUT...the whole election/social media issues have really got me fired up.  Stirrup Queens wrote a wonderful blog post a couple of days ago regarding this same issue.  I realize that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their own way of expressing their opinions.  We live in America and I wouldn't change freedom of speech or expression.  I value this about our country, even if I disagree with your opinion or your way of expressing it.  However, I think social media has taken this to a new level.  When we are able to hide behind computers and spew out garbage about other people, we are in no way preserving their right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."  I will flat out say I am a conservative.  I don't push my values on anyone nor do I write inflammatory posts about differing opinions.  I do not write about the results of the election last night.  I exercised my right to vote and did what I thought was right.  I don't need people on facebook to tell me how stupid I am for my vote or what I should believe, or gloat for any reason.    People don't realize that when they criticize a candidate or praise a candidate in a certain way (such as this post this morning: "just go cry in your pillows" implying that no one cares what you think REALLY we just care about the results), they are criticizing their friends and their friends' values, and in my opinion, these "bashers" are usurping people's right to the beliefs that they have.  

We share our country. Blue state or red state, really? If we are ever going to get anywhere, at some point we have to work together.  Many of you who read my blog are pregnant (yay!) or hoping to be pregnant soon. Is this the world we're bringing our children into, a divided country where people continue to polarize each other based on beliefs?  It's completely naive to think that we can all "just get along," but if we don't actually examine and respect others' beliefs before we bash them--even through social media--we definitely aren't taking steps in the right direction.  I hope that my son forms his own opinions and is proud of what he believes, but I also hope that I teach him enough to respect others.  The problem with facebook statuses, as Stirrup Queens mentioned, is that we are bashing people we call our friends.  Would you say those things to my face? If we've never discussed politics before and you wouldn't dare say those things to my face because you respect me, my friendship, and my values, then don't post them on facebook. 

Though I hesitate to write this, I feel much safer writing it on my blog than on facebook.  I wanted a different outcome from last night's election.  As I said before, I voted and did what I could.  So what will I do now? I will become involved in the issues that matter to me and do what I can to speak up for my causes.  I will be informed, and I will pray for my country and my president and all of the decisions that are made.  I will live my life and raise my son as best I can.  I will NOT push those away who don't believe the same way.  I will not engage in criticism for the sake of criticism.  I will not move to Canada ;-) . 

Alive and "kicking"

Hi all

Most importantly, if you have a sec, send some thoughts and prayers to Belle @ Scrambled Eggs. She just started cramping and bleeding and she was supposed to have her first ultrasound tomorrow to confirm her great beta rise last week.  My heart is aching for her right now.

Sorry for the absence but I'm crazy busy!  DH left for Finland yesterday and I managed to only have ONE tiny meltdown before he left.  He was informed yesterday morning that his i.Phone is not equipped to work internationally. Cue panic from pregnant wife who bursts into tears afraid something will happen to her and/or baby and she will not be able to reach said husband.  After a few emails mentioning his "anxious pregnant wife," we were assured there would be a cell phone waiting for him at his office in Finland. And we face-timed three times today.  So really, no cause for concern until...

I was alone, in a huge house, with only my dog and my overactive mind to keep my company.  I went grocery shopping, did some grad work, and then stood in the kitchen for an hour prepping fruit (it's way cheaper to buy non-cut-up-stuff and cut it myself) and lunches for the week.  And I got cramps. And a backache.  So, Dr. Google told me that menstrual-like cramps and backache can be a sign of pre-term labor. Lovely. Now, let me be clear--these were NOT braxton hicks nor real contractions at all, just a dull ache.  Well, without DH to calm me down, I started going to that Dark Place in my mind that convinces me something bad will happen when DH isn't home.  Mind reels: nursery isn't started. I don't have any baby stuff. What is pre-term labor? What goes in a hospital bag? Yes, we have established that I am a crazy woman.

I did what any normal prego would do: I ate ice cream and waited for Baby Boy to kick. Which he did, a lot.  He's fine and happy in there and after multiple ounces of water and some relaxation, I was fine.  Until 1 am...

When I woke up because the dog was making noise.  I went to the front of the house to see if she was ok and what do I find but a HUGE cockroach.  I mean HUGE, like gigantic Honey-We've-Blown-Up-the-Kids huge. I proceeded to get the bug spray which I know I'm not supposed to use but it doesn't smell and I washed my hands really well.  Cockroach, 0; JB, 1.  And then I went into the kitchen...

To find cockroach's slightly younger brother on my coffee maker. I spray more bug spray and get more grossed out that this thing is on my coffee maker. Then, I soap down the coffee maker and finally go back to bed but of course, I can't fall asleep for an hour. Cockroach, 1, JB, 1.

I actually woke up refreshed thanks to the A.mbien prescribed last week by Dr. N. (usually I'm against meds but OH MAN when I hadn't slept for a week, I would've taken anything to help).  I ran the coffee maker sans coffee just in case there could've been bug spray in the water I had prepared the night before.  Baby Boy is movin' and shakin' today so I'm assuming that he's fine in there, despite the 1 am cockroach party. 

I may not have a ton of time in the next two weeks to be here, but I am still reading and commenting. I have three grad school papers to start and finish between now and next Sunday, so most free time will be spent doing that, minus a quick trip to Austin this weekend for my aunt's 60th birthday and a visit to DH's grandma. 

Happy November :) and for those of you with cold weather, PLEASE send some this way! I'm sick of 80 degrees and sweating.

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick pic of my absolute fav halloween costume.  This was obviously three years ago as I would not fit into these shorts OR those abs right now :)  Girl Scout and DH as Dog the Bounty Hunter (the tattoos are fake).  Good times, and good inspiration for post-baby body!

Liebster Blog Award

Sorry for my neglect over the past few days. Time is flying by and I'm barely hanging on!   I have nothing very new or exciting to share. I'm still obsessed with cooking in my new kitchen, DH is still leaving for Finland on Sunday. Oh, and I've lost all my socks.  I don't know where they could be, but I think I remember packing them before we moved.  This is very unfortunate as it is boot season and all I have are work out socks.  Work out socks + boots + slightly swollen prego feet = sad JB.  I will do a more extensive search-and-rescue mission for my socks after work today.

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Aspgriswold!. What is a Liebster Blog Award? The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. Better yet, to me it means “happy.”  So...here are my answers to the Award questions! 


1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why? I would want to be on the far outside, by the calorie label, clearly because I would have a view of the outside world and I would hopefully be eaten last.

2) What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving.

3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it? Owning a pair of Manolo Blahniks that I purchase at the actual store in NY.

4) If you could only watch one Disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why? Lion King. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie and I think I would choose it because of all the wonderful childhood memories that it brings back.

5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme? There was an old woman who lived in a shoe...I mean come on! She lives in a SHOE!

6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not? Yes! our baby girl, Callie. She's a white boxer with different color eyes. She'll be 7 in April which makes me sad, though she's still as spunky as ever.

7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color? I lovingly refer to my natural color as "mouse brown." So no, I hate my natural color.  I'm a blonde by personality I think (minus most of the stereotypical ditziness) so I have blonde highlights year round. I've tried to go the red route as well, but I can't find a color that works.

8) What do you like to do in your spare time? Read, plan vacations, travel, bake.

9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? silver and gold. Those were always the crayons I used the most as a kid.
10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it? I traveled Europe in 2002 with my school's study abroad program.  I guess technically the farthest point would be Greece.

11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone? Senior in high school, so 17. It was neon yellow and did nothing but make phone calls, as all good cell phones did.

Viability! Milestone six hundred and eighty two

Ok, so I probably haven't had that many milestones, but I do feel that pregnancy is a series of milestones.  I'm trying to be careful to enjoy each one because I know I will miss today and I will miss being pregnant, despite the crazy.

Today, Baby Boy has reached viability!  In my words, not medical mumbo jumbo, Baby Boy could survive outside the womb if born today.  Would he need serious help? Yes. Would he be in NICU for a long time? Yes. But regardless, my Baby Boy could make it!  If you don't know her, Mrs. Green Grass is another blogger who's shared her conception experience (through IVF) and all of the details along the way.  She has an amazing story.  Her little boy, Dylan, was born at 25 weeks and is now in NICU progressing very well.  Her story is inspirational, and if you have a minute, stop by her blog and say hi and wish her little Dylan well. 

I didn't really think that DH cared much about milestones until he asked me to confirm how many weeks I was (this was last Sunday). I said I was on my way to 24 weeks, and he immediately told his friend, "that's a great point because Baby could survive if he had to!" So cute!!  I guess getting to hold our baby is a countdown for both of us.  I think it's amazing how loss (or infertility) affects the men in our lives more than we know, and probably more than they tell us.  DH can be a excruciatingly quiet very contemplative person, so I don't expect him to open up to me unless I ask him pointed questions.  I wonder how many men out there just bottle everything inside and we never know.  I wonder what the solution is.

So today I am 24 weeks.  I am feeling tons of movement and I am thrilled to pull out my long-sleeved maternity tops.  I will rejoice in today and in feeling the little ninja move.  Even if every day isn't perfect, it is still another day I'm pregnant, another day I grow to love Baby Boy more and more.

Next milestones: third trimester, glucose test, maternity pics (not the creepy kind), nursery completion. 

Procrastination at its best

Thanks for all of the kind comments on my post about anxiety issues.  I have to remember that it's not a weakness to be anxious and that no one expects me to be perfectly pregnant or happy 100% of the time.  My BFF (who is also prego!) said that I made her feel like a normal pregnant woman since I'm not just this "perfect prego momma." :) She made me smile, as she always does.

In other randomness, I can't find the motivation to grade right now. I really should be grading because I have my own school work to complete by tomorrow (eek!) but...blogging seemed like more fun.  I have two more recipes to share!

• Pumpkin Cookies (so moist and wonderful!)
• 1 c. canned pumpkin
• 1 c. white sugar
• ½ c. vegetable oil
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 tsp. milk
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• ½ tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. nutmeg
• 2 c. all purpose flour
• 1 c. chocolate chips (I usually use the whole bag though) mini is better
• Nuts (optional)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Mix all wet ingredients. Combine all of the dry and then add them in.  Add in chocolate chips. Use small scoop to drop onto parchment paper. Bake for 12 minutes--mine needed less. You really don't even want the bottoms to brown

• Spaghetti Squash Au Gratin--just posting the link because the comments have some excellent ideas for changes to the recipe.  DH adored this side dish! I think I'm spoiling him with all my food forays in the kitchen.  I didn't leave the cookies at home, though. My students were the recipients of that procrastination tactic!

On the baby front...Baby Boy is now apparently a very hungry ninja.  I am always hungry and he is always moving.  As of my 24 week appointment on Tuesday, he's measuring right on track for our 2/16 due date.  Dr. N said that I can take ben.adryl to help me sleep through the night, but only occasionally.  She said the anxiety is nothing to worry about as long as I calm down within two minutes and as long as there's no prolonged rapid heartbeat. 

My dad officially sketched out our nursery last night (like, on the walls!) and we're ordering furniture next weekend.  Our furniture will take between 6 and 12 weeks to arrive, and if it takes 12 weeks, well, I'll be a little worried!  I started planning my picture wall for the nursery as well.  I'm going to be doing a collage of quotes, pictures, and other little randomness.  I know this will be my favorite part of the nursery.  My project for the weekend is creating a painted canvas, as seen here.  I have a beautiful quote picked out as well.  E.tsy is my best friend for finding unique prints.  I'm not incredibly artistic, but I do plan on hand-scripting something for the wall as well. 

Nursery planning = way more fun than grading essays or doing grad school work. 

Oh and DH is headed back to Finland next week for business...but only for two weeks :)

Sunday, Crappy Sunday

Thanks to Amy @ Dwelling on Dreams for giving me the courage to post this after I read her post. I don't like to admit weaknesses (darn perfectionist personality) and for that reason, I think I've hesitated to write about the not-so-fun happenings in my brain, or whatever part of us houses our emotions and ability to rationalize between heart and head.


I've been struggling with anxiety. Back in 2005, after college, starting a new teaching career, and the dissolution of my 6 year relationship, I started having full-blown panic attacks. My doctor put me on a low-grade anti-depressant which I stayed on until summer 2009 when I started seeing a therapist so that I could go off the meds. I've therefore been off anxiety meds for over three years. I've had a few minor panic attacks here and there, but my therapist gave me coping mechanisms and helped me deal with the underlying issues of those attacks.

Fast forward to second trimester. I have between five and ten minor panic attacks A DAY right now. They come on randomly. I can't control them and I can't even tell you what initiates them. I get anxious before I eat every meal. Honestly, I can get anxious just watching TV. These aren't full blown attacks, just a tightening of my chest and a feeling of general unease and anxiety. Anyone who's ever had a panic attack knows this feeling.

Well, Sunday seemed to be the pinnacle of these attacks. I had grad school work, grading, and house cleaning to do. DH had people over to watch football. I was making dinner for SIL to help out with the baby. And I lost it. I broke down sobbing uncontrollably, unable to breathe. I had a sharp pain in my lower-left pelvic area which of course freaked me out. DH calmed me down, brought me a fan, and generally took care of me. And then it happened again Sunday night. I got back from a walk which I thought would've calmed me down (no such luck). DH lost his wedding ring playing football in the backyard, and one of his friends had sat on my gorgeous leather couch with a wet bathing suit, leaving a cushion-sized mark on the couch. Of course, in my state, I was convinced the couch was ruined. (The couch, however, has turned out just fine after some conditioning and intensive fan-drying, but the wedding ring has not yet been found). Cue sobbing, and worse, sobbing in the shower.

I was ashamed of the way I was feeling. Ashamed that I--of all people--couldn't control my emotions. I'm supposed to be strong, positive, glowing. Instead, I'm this heaping, sobbing mess crying on the shower wall. I love Baby Boy so much, and what made this whole situation worse is I kept thinking that I was hurting him. If he feels what I feel, is he upset? Am I hurting his emotional state? Is he going to come out and be this anxiety-filled terror because of me? Is he feeling all of my stress? I guilted myself into believing the worst. And of course, because I was so hysterical, I couldn't feel him moving as much. Panic and anxiety took hold.

Again, DH is amazing and wonderful (despite the lost ring). He just held me. He did use tough love, telling me I have to stop and I do have to think about Daniel, but he helped. I wanted to eat yogurt for dinner; he made me eat real food. I had two nice sips of wine, and I did eventually calm down. My principal let me come into work late on Monday so that maybe I could get some sleep. The whole anxiety situation is compounded by the fact that I can't sleep through the night anymore so I'm overtired and mentally exhausted.

Honestly, I don't know how to handle these little chest-tightening anxiety issues. I don't want to be on meds because really I don't feel these instances are enough to warrant meds. I don't want to hurt Baby Boy. I desperately want to sleep. I want to be in control of my emotions and my anxiety again and I feel powerless. How can I gain back my positive emotional state? I'm petrified that DH is going to get fed up with me and stop being so wonderful and understanding. I don't want to push him away.

Baby Boy seems to be doing great. I feel him all the time, but I can't help but worry about (please don't judge) him being strangled by his umbilical cord. WHY WHY WHY is this in my head? Do normal people worry about this? I'm petrified that because he's so active he's going to hurt himself.

I go see Dr. N today for my 24 week checkup. I will be asking her about the anxiety, and hopefully she can tell me I can take something to help me sleep, but no anxiety meds.

Not the happy-go-lucky post expected of a prego who's thrilled to be prego, but it's nice to write these things down. Thanks for listening, blog friends.

Pumpkin and punkins!

I don't know if you are allowed to be "nesting" at 23 weeks, but all I want to do lately is be in my kitchen cooking or baking, preferably baking.  While I love baking and definitely turn out some awesome pies for the holidays, I usually refrain from doing so as baking = eating which for DH and I = gaining weight.  I have the metabolism of a...snail? turtle? I smell food and gain weight.  But, with Baby Boy on the way, I allow myself a few more treats.  I'm still exercising 4 times a week so I think I'm allowed to splurge. 

I also want to share these wonderful recipes with y'all! 

First, pumpkin blondies.  So wonderfully light and fluffy, even though there are 2 sticks of butter in them.  Here's the recipe.  I actually took a picture but I don't have my camera accessible right now, so the picture will have to wait.  I actually recommend more white chocolate chips.  This will make them less fluffy and more decadent, so you choose.  I also did not add butterscotch chips or nuts, and I substituted half brown sugar for half of the white sugar. 

Second, pumpkin bread (notice a theme here?!).  This recipe makes two beautiful loaves. I gave some to my mom and half a loaf to SIL and BIL when I brought them dinner tonight.  I can't help her with 3 am feedings, but I sure can send her food to give her the strength to keep going!  For this recipe, I also made some alterations.  I didn't want to use the whole 1 1/2 C of olive oil, so I substituted 1/2 C of olive oil for 1/2 C of unsweetened applesauce.  This also gave the bread a lovely texture.  I also only used 1 C of sugar as I didn't want the bread to be overwhelmingly sweet.  Honestly, I probably could have used even less sugar and the recipe still would've turned out great.  Last alteration...I used dark chocolate chips (60% cacao) again to cut down on sweetness (and don't they say dark chocolate is good for you?!)  Tonight I will enjoy this bread (again) with a nice cup of decaf coffee. 

And last recipe for today, honey sesame crockpot chicken.  I'm trying to use my crockpot more in an effort to prepare for Baby's arrival.  I think the only sane way to juggle grad school and a newborn AND still being a good wife for hubs is to use the crockpot, or at least make storable meals.  I decided to make this for SIL and BIL and that way, I was helping them out but also (selfishly I guess) preparing dinner for DH and I too.  CRAZY EASY recipe and delish--according to my taste tester.  This does take a whole bottle of honey, though, so be prepared.  We happened to have sesame seeds in the pantry, and I think I will toast them tomorrow before I serve this up for dinner. 

In the theme of pumpkin, I want to leave y'all with a picture of the newest lil' punkin on the block! My darling niece, Elyse Adela.  My SILs took newborn pics of her yesterday. Isn't she just perfect?!

And my punkin, 23 weeks (my arm is not this big in person...must remind myself to STOP posing with arm like that!) And yes, still rockin' the heels.




On my way to a friend's wedding



 

A post full of pictures and recipes

As promised, I said I would post some pics of our new house and my new kitchen forays. 

First, the recipes. 

For our first morning in our new home, I made pumpkin pancakes with homemade cinnamon syrup. YUM! One of my college roommates shared this recipe and it is amazing. 











Dinner #1 (no pics of this--sorry!) roasted chicken with fennel. Also wonderful, followed by Dinner #2, Pioneer Woman enchiladas, but I think I've posted that recipe before.  Oh well, here it is again.  I made these for SIL and BIL and new baby Elyse, but the recipe was enough for DH and I to have dinner as well.

And last but not least, I prepared acorn squash as a side dish for Dinner #3.  Also by Pioneer Woman, also amazing (but not very healthy).

Onto the Pinterest project.  I love Pinterest but rarely have time to do anything with my pins.  With my new closet, I knew I wanted a jewelry area.  I don't wear much jewelry, but I thought maybe if I could see all of my accessories I would make more use of them.  So, I made a jewelry hanger.  The greatest difficulty here is twisting in the little screw things.  My fingers were sore for two days.  The directions I've linked here are wonderful.  I did not spray paint mine as I liked the color of the wood.  Also, I suggest making holes with a hammer and a nail before you try and screw in the hooks.  WAY easier.  She also suggests doing this with a glass of wine, which I would have if I was drinking.  If I ever do this again, I would look for a bigger silverware tray as it would hold bigger necklaces better.  All in all, I'm thrilled with it, though!



close up so you can see all the hooks

  

my little jewelry corner. I'm so happy

Now for the pics of our new home.  I will only post the best ones. I think I'm starting to learn to use my camera better! I'm kind of obsessed with my fall decorations, so you have more of those than you do of the house.


mantel



love my huge kitchen, minus the white appliances





backyard and puppy dog

  

Baby Boy's room! The middle owls are from my BFF's trip to Thailand; the monkey is from my trip to Prague, and the carousel is from a Greek family friend who passed away last year




pumpkin on candle holder

 

look through from living room to kitchen, complete with my favorite pendant light


 

more fall



I was very excited to organize my scarves like this

 

entry to house





Well hello there blog life!

Hi to all of you lovely ladies! I haves missed my time in blog land.  I have been keeping up with everyone on my phone but my commenting has been lacking lately, as has my participation in Jenn's October Writing Prompts!  So I will catch up with those here, fast and furiously.  Tonight I plan on posting pics of what I've been up to over the past week--moving, pinterest project (I LOVE THIS and can't wait to share it!), cooking in my new kitchen (recipes coming!), decorating for fall...and oh yeah, growing a baby. 

*******************************************************************************

October 11: If you could change one thing about your personal appearance, what would it be and why?
I would change my legs.  For as long as I can remember, I've had "soccer" legs.  They're shapely but definitely muscular and were awesome for hip checking other players on the field.  I'm only 5'4" and have a long torso, so I'd like my legs longer too. But honestly, I'm pretty happy with myself overall.  It's taken me a long time to accept this, but I love working out and love that a good routine makes my body look and feel good.


October 12: If you could change on thing about your personality, what would it be and why.
Probably my desire for control, at least some of the time. In true control, type-A personality fashion, I wouldn't want to give up ALL of my control freakness, just a little bit.  Like when I told DH the boys could come over on Saturday as long as he cleans up after them...He looked at me and said, "I've been so good about cleaning up; why would you feel the need to ask me that?"  Or, how I almost asked him to put the dishes in the dishwasher last night even though I thought he was going to do that anyway.  I'd give up this flaw in a minute.

October 13: What is the one thing you like best about yourself?
I love my nose.  Seriously, LOVE.  I loved my nose before I ever "met" Anne Shirley and then afterwards, I loved my nose even more.  No one in my family has my nose.  I'm a "nose person," so I'm pretty sure that I will look at Baby Boy's nose first thing when I see him. 

October 14: What is the greatest compliment you ever received?
You know, I'm not sure if I can answer this.  I usually push away compliments or turn them back on the giver, so I'm kind of horrible at remembering them.  I would say one of the best compliments I can kind of remember is being praised for my professionalism and public speaking.  Not a very good answer, I know.

October 15: If you could go back in time, what decade would you choose to live in?
Love this question! I would live turn of the century (late 1800s, early 1900s) and of course, I'd have to be wealthy to do so.  I fancy myself wearing petticoats and being courted by suitors in tails and top hats. 

October 16: A little TMI? Share something you never thought you would ever post on the internet.
Well I feel like we're pretty open here considering we talk about our cycles, but...I guess something random and weird about me is that I blow my nose every time after I wash my face or get out of the shower.  Not very scintillating, but odd.

October 17: How would you describe your personal style?
Right now, my style is trying not to look like a blimp in maternity clothes.  Typically, my style is classic with a modern twist.  I love fashion, especially shoes, but I try to buy pieces that I can wear for a long time and spice up with trends of the season.  My shoes are my babies.  I found a pair of gorgeous BCBG calf hair pumps that I bought last season and that can't wear this season because the have a a 5 1/2 inch heel :( I will wear heels as long as  I can, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.  Swelling feet and really high heels are just not a good combo. I also have a problem getting rid of clothes.  I'm hesitant to give something away that I may want to wear again at some point in my life.


October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.
J--jovial (at the thought of our new house)
B--blessed

J is a really hard letter :( Unless you're a jokester which I'm not

Remembering

Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day is today. In remembrance of our Malachi, we lit a candle this morning. I also unpacked the few little things people bought for Malachi before we knew we would never hold him in our arms. I put these items in his future brother's closet, but I will always remember that they belonged to Malachi. Always in our hearts.

Popping in

I'm sorely behind now in Jenn's writing prompts :( I will catch up, but until then a brief update...

• My niece, Elyse Adela, made her appearance around 8 pm last night.  My SIL is very, very tiny, and after being in labor for about 20 hours and pushing for about 4 hours, it was clear that baby Elyse was too big for momma.  SIL had to have a c-section.  Baby Elyse is perfect and beautiful! She's a little bruised on her forehead from momma trying so darn hard to push her out, but other than that, everyone is doing wonderfully.  I'm going to visit after work today and once I get the internet hooked up at our new house, I'll post pics.
• That's right, NEW HOUSE! The house gods finally turned in our favor and we are homeowners after 7 months of being vagabonds!!! We couldn't be happier.  We started moving stuff from my parent's house to our new house yesterday.  DH is off work today, so by the time I get there (after work and baby visit) we will have some furniture in the house! Movers tomorrow and shopping day on Sunday.
• Speaking of Sunday, that's when my first midterm is due. As if there weren't enough going on.
• And another midterm due on Thursday. Thank goodness I'm taking off work on Monday and Tuesday! Tuesday I'm making dinner for SIL. AMAZING ground beef enchiladas, Pioneer Woman style.  I've linked them because they are just that good.  And I'm finally going to have my own kitchen again! Kitchen unpacking is priority number one on our list.

I will post pics hopefully on Sunday night :) We are just so thrilled to have a home and a new little niece!

And in baby news...Baby Boy is 22 weeks today :) He's a freakin foot long! (cue annoying Subway "Five Dollar Foot Long" song in the back of my head)

My biggest fear

Firstly...Baby Elyse will be here tomorrow! I hope to post a pic of my beautiful niece tomorrow.  We are also closing on our house tomorrow, so 10/11/12 will be a very busy day!

Jenn's Writing Prompt Today: What do you fear most?

• The easy list: cockroaches crawling all over me, my parents dying, being in a life-or-death survival situation and not knowing how to survive. 
• The weird thing I fear: pieces of a plane or a plane crashing into me.  This features commonly in my nightmares.  I watched that movie "Donnie Darko" a hundred years ago and I guess this stuck with me.  I used to run by a small airport and would freak out every time the planes took off. 
• My absolute greatest fear: losing my baby, or maybe I should say losing another baby.  As much as I know I shouldn't, I think about what I would do if Baby Boy never existed in my arms.  I don't believe I could go through that and come out ok.  I think I would lose all desire to be myself, all desire to ever have children.  To go through the grief of losing another child would be too much to bear.  I think I'm a strong person, but I fear that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle this.  I fear that this would destroy my marriage and my relationships, especially with my friends or family who have children. 

It's an odd sensation to put your fear on paper.  The crazy that exists in my head becomes a reality when written down.  I wonder if I re-read my blog in a few years if this fear will have changed. 

And finally, if someone knows your greatest fear, do you believe this is the greatest power they can have over you?

Realities

Happy 100th post to me! YAY! I seriously can't believe this is 100.  I never realized how wonderful and supportive this blog and community would be when I started.  I look forward to reading and commenting, and I feel as if I have made so many friends.

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So I couldn't think of a clever or non-depressing title for this post.  My heart is heavy this morning.  I learned last night that one of my friends/old co-workers has been diagnosed with blighted ovum.  Her D&C is this morning.  I had seen her on Friday night and she told me she was pregnant but her levels weren't matching her expected 6 weeks pregnant.  She had an ultrasound yesterday and sure enough, empty sac.  I'm just heartbroken for her.  She's 35 (so AMA) and she has a four year old, so they are trying for their second child.  Getting pregnant with her son was not easy, so she was shocked when they got pregnant this time after only 7 months.  I know there's nothing I can say or do that lessens the heartache of the situation.  I empathize so keenly with her.  Tears come to my eyes thinking/remembering what she's going through.

On the more upbeat side...my SIL is being induced tomorrow (Wed.) at 10pm!  We are hoping to have a niece early Thursday morning, 10-11-12.  What a cool date on which to be born! I am so excited for her and for the fact that she's doing all this before me and can fill me in on all the dirty details.  It's going to be so weird to see her NOT pregnant!

Placing these two things side by side--someone's loss against someone's pure joy--makes the reality of the miracle of life that much more poignant.  We know all too well how great of a miracle new life is.

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And Jenn's Writing Prompt for the day...If given the choice, how would you choose to die?

Peacefully in my sleep with my kids and my husband by my side.