On Being 29 again, for the 3rd time

Firstly, I realize that I forgot to reveal the results of our gender reveal...BOY #2 will be joining us in December! I couldn't be happier to have another lil boy in our family, and I can't wait to see how Daniel grows into his role as big brother.  We did a scavenger hunt for our reveal--pic at the bottom.  We don't have a name yet, except for a middle name--Louis--after my maternal grandfather.  His real name was Luigi (born in Sicily) and he went by Louie short for Louis after moving to America, but we thought Luigi just a little to "Mario-esque" for a middle name.

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Today, I am 31.  31.  I can't quite believe that I'm 31, and I feel no different than I did at 29, just maybe a little more pregnant and a little wiser.  I told Sparky the other night that the theory of relativity sure does suck.  We wish so many years away and count the years towards our milestones..10, 16, 18, 21, marriage, baby, buy a house, check check check.  And then suddenly, I'm 31 and wishing I hadn't wished so many years away or lived anticipating the next moment rather than enjoying the one I was in.  (insert sappy country song here)

I think having Daniel has made me enjoy the little moments more because once they happen, they're gone and then you have a toddler running around the house saying "elbow" and "cheerio," not a squishy infant lying in your arms.  Last night after reading Daniel his bedtime story, he laid his head on my chest--so I rocked him.  We typically just lay him in his crib and say night night, but I didn't.  I looked up at Sparky with sad eyes, and I told him that this won't happen much more, my son's desire to be cuddled and held and rocked by his momma. I wanted to be in that moment, not wish it away.  If only those moments would last forever outside of the relativity of time.  Because the things that we cherish most always seem to be the most fleeting.

  

Back in March, I wrote a couple of posts regarding my college roommate who lost two of her three little girls in a devastating car accident.  I can honestly say that not a day has gone by since then that I have not thought of her or her family or those two little girls.  If only relativity didn't apply and she could speed up time, away from the grief that I know she experiences every day.  Or is that one of those things that is not relative because no matter how far away from it you are, it's still the most real, vivid memory in your life.  How many moments does she wish she hadn't wished away? Crying babies, long nights with 3 girls under 5 years old--things that ruled her life at the time seem that probably seem so insignificant now.  And why can't we force ourselves to slow down and cherish even the difficult times, why does it take a tragedy to make us realize the temporal quality of time? I don't know. 

I wish that weekends were longer and vacations more full, that sleepy babies stayed sleepy little babies longer, but I don't think I'd wish 31 away.  Maybe time could just slow down so I can remember to enjoy each precious moment, each precious baby kiss just a little more, savor it like a fine wine. But at the end of the day, we drink the wine, and if we're lucky, that baby becomes a young man who still kisses his momma.

Tonight I will enjoy every moment of a nice birthday dinner with my husband and a few sips of my favorite wine.  I want 31 to be about the moments, not just about anticipating the big events.  

Happy birthday, happy birthday to me.   

A post about a new obsession and revisiting old ones...

I'm addicted. Sad to say, but I'm addicted to Downton Abbey.  I'm even more addicted to it because it's free with Amazon Prime and I can watch it on the iPad in the mornings while I drink my coffee and put my makeup on.  I knew multitasking would serve me well one day.  

I've always thought I should live in a different time period, as long as I was wealthy.  I think I would've loved London in the 1920s, or Yorkshire.  I also think I would've been well-suited to be a southern belle.  The dresses, the formalities...I love it all.  I really enjoy the characters on DA, and the plot is scandalous enough to keep your interest but still be believable.  I also love the English accents; I'm a sucker for a beautiful man with a beautiful accent (sorry Sparks).  He likes Jennifer Lawrence, I like Jude Law. Same initials, so really, there's no harm done.  

I'm on the last episode of season 3 right now, the last free streaming Amazon Prime season, and I will probably spend the $20 on season 4.  To me, the $20 is worth it for something I enjoy in the only "me" time I get.

And an old obsession...Fertility Friend. We are NOT friends, but I am back to obsessing over my chart and my symptoms.  We've been officially TTC #2 for 3 months, taking away the month I stopped breastfeeding. I have a love/hate relationship with FF. I love the women in the forums that I've "met" and befriended.  They all happen to be in their 30s, pregnancy coming easy to none of them, and I enjoy talking to other people in my situation.  I won't say much about it because I still haven't made my blog private, but the road to #2 hasn't been emotionally easy for either Sparky or me.

One more note about old friends...I spent time this week with my darling, dear friend Tabaitha.  I had forgotten how necessary friendship is.  My BFF moved across the country, and I think I've fallen into a friend rut without her.  Having a glass of wine and laughing with Tab the other night made me feel like a person again, not just a mom or a wife or a student.  We have so much history, and she's such a wonderful person. I could go on and on, but I won't. Yesterday, I was having a terrible day, and my SIL happened to text me.  I'd had a terrible morning, an argument with Sparky, and all around frustration with this TTC cycle. She knew just what to say, and I love her for it.  I'll end with this: mutual respect, love, and faith in each other are the foundation for solid, lifelong friendships. I'm blessed to have found this in the women in my life, and I'm blessed to be reminded of this in the tough times, which this week has been.

Daniel had hand, foot, and mouth virus this week in addition to pushing out 2 new bottom teeth.  It's been a rough week, to say the least, but I think we're through the worst of it.  We started putting Aquaphor on the sores on his lips and chin and he woke up looking much better.  OH and I accepted a position to read for the AP Language Exam again this year!!!! If you remember, I had to back out last year, so I'm THRILLED that I was asked again and now have the opportunity to fulfill one of my career goals. 

I know this is a random post. This week--though it's almost over--is FINALLY looking up.  I'm hoping for a + OPK this weekend and for a happy, happy right ovary and right tube.  We are wishing on a star and praying for December baby :)

Pride and Family

Just a quick post before we go sign the official papers to sell our first home!!!

I am obsessed with fertilityfriend.com.  I read all of the posts and look at everyone's pregnancy test pics. Who knows...maybe in the far depths of my brain I believe visualization will help me get a positive test.  Obsession is just part of my personality.  I also like the community of other women dealing with the same issues and asking the same questions and having the same frustrations.  I just read a post about a woman who was upset with someone telling her she was pregnant and then saying, "we weren't even trying!!"  Now, those of you with infertility issues, you know how difficult that is to hear, but for me, seeing that this time didn't upset me.  It made me proud of what I've been through.

I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to go through all of the surgeries and all of the hormones. I'm proud of myself for getting through a few days without thinking of our little angel Malachi or how pregnant I would be right now.  I'm proud of myself when I can think positively about our future rather than dwell on how long it's taking us to get there. I'm proud of how my relationship with DH has grown over the past few months because of our struggles.  I'm proud of the other women out there who share their stories and don't try to hide the fact that sometimes it's hard to get pregnant and sometimes we can't just "relax and let it happen."

My darling sister-in-law is one of those lucky, blessed women who got pregnant easily, "without trying." Seeing my future neice or nephew on that ultrasound made me proud to be a future aunt, and proud of my sis-in-law for having the courage to tell DH and I that she was expecting and proud of her compassion and understanding throughout everything. Even though I can't say I'm thankful for my circumstances, I'm proud of what they're making me and I thank God for the relationships that have formed and been strengthed as a result.

And, on another really awesome note...my younger sister is FINALLY moving home!!! WAHOO!! Can't wait to have my shopping and Gossip Girl buddy back!!