UN Balanced

Today's photo challenge is balance. Let's just be clear: I am not good at finding balance. I take on way too many things because I believe (sometimes incorrectly) that I am super woman.  When I was in the trenches of surgery after surgery with no TTC action in sight, I submitted my application to grad school.  Got accepted.  We decided to sell our house and move.  Sold house in three weeks, still have no permanent house. I was asked to take the head position in the English department at school alongside my current administrative position. Accepted position. And then, lo and behold, Dr. W's magic worked and POOF, baby.  (ok, I guess it was a little more difficult that poof)

How in the freaking world do I balance teaching AP students, heading an English department, managing all of the curriculum (yes, K-12 every subject) for my school, studying for grad school AND a baby? Oh wait, not to mention a new house with two storage areas of boxes to be unpacked...yeah, I have no flipping idea.  But everything always gets done, even though I'm not sure how.  The crazy woman has As in grad school so far, and no teachers in her department have resigned yet.  It's Sunday, and I'm about to leave to watch football with my favorite people, so I guess I've found some way to balance at least a few things so that I can have time to myself. 

I thought a picture of our "storage area" at my parent's house would be a good indication of my lack of balance.

UN balanced

And...in other news...we bought a camera yesterday! I've been so impressed with all the photos from photo challenge that I thought it was time to upgrade from my iPhone camera.  We got a Canon Rebel! So excited to learn how to take beautiful photos with this camera.

Autumn?

I'm having a lovely ICLW so far! L at Tiny Bits of Hope wrote a beautiful post about memories and how we change through loss and/or treatments.  Stop by and read it.

Today's photo challenge is autumn.  Autumn is my absolute favorite season.  The crisp morning air, football, afternoon naps with the windows open...I can just feel it.  Unfortunately, autumn doesn't exist here until oh, mid October.  We've had some nice mornings recently, but the heat always returns.  One of my favorite ways to celebrate autumn started in college.  My roomates and I would brew huge pots of delicious coffee (coffee you can only get in Maryland!) and wrap up in blankets and sit outside.  Sometimes we "rebels" would smoke flavored cigarettes.  I laugh thinking of that because none of us are/were smokers at all! I've always been one who associates smells and feelings with memories.  I could walk outside and think, this feels like a Christmas day, or this feels like a fall day, in the middle of any season.  I love that we are capable of having vivid memories; I guess this is also something to hate, when we can have vivid memories of something painful.



Our morning coffee, enjoying the cool in the air

  

Peace, and WELCOME ICLW!

Hoping all of you out there find some peace today in any way you can!

If you're here from ICLW, welcome! After "sitting out" 2 months from ICLW, I'm back and ready to comment.  We're 21 days in to Em's Photo Challenge, so if you're browsing my blog, that's the reason for all of the pictures, some beautiful, some inane. 

The BRIEF rundown...after TTC for a year, a miscarriage at 7w, a chemical pregnancy, rounds and rounds of hormone therapy, and 3 surgeries to remove a very stubborn septum from my uterus, I am currently expecting my first baby in February.  This blog started as a way for me to cope with loss and facing TTC in a world where everyone seems (including my sister-in-law) to get pregnant just looking at each other.  I have met the most AMAZING women in the blogosphere and I know that I wouldn't have gotten through the rough spots without them.  I'm still coping with the loss of my dear Malachi, and it's a slow process to learn how to let go and have trust now that I am pregnant.  I spend a lot of time thinking about the "what-ifs."  This blog has become a way to put my "crazy" on display; at least in this space I find women willing to be crazy with me.  Welcome to my little corner, and I look forward to meeting some new people over the next week.

In response to Em's Photo Challenge for today...peace


Nature and my favorite boy--both things that bring me peace



Don't Ignore Your Strength

Dear Readers, 

I feel as if I'm finally over my "slump" of the past few days, but in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am going to blog about my struggles and about strength.  I know this post feels "heavy," but I myself am feeling much lighter this Monday afternoon. So proceed in understanding and without worry :)

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week.  While I know that my situation is small in comparison with that of other women, I will do whatever I can to advocate for myself and on the behalf of women who struggle in silence with infertility.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Women around you may struggle with infertility silently, because it's not easy to answer the question, "Why aren't you pregnant yet?"

NIAW challenged bloggers with the theme, "Don't Ignore."  Infertility is easy to ignore because it's not an outward condition.  However, it's impossible to ignore for those who suffer from infertility.  Right now I have 2 different OPKs in my purse, hoping against reality that maybe I will be ovulating. And, if I am, I then move to hoping that my right fallopian tube picks up the egg as my left tube does not function. From there, (if I even get there), I hope for a positive test and a pregnancy that lasts longer than 7 weeks.  From one milestone to the next, I would've traveled in silence if it weren't for others I've found on my journey.  We know the impossibility of ignoring our infertility, so let's not ignore the strength it takes us to make it through.

Don't Ignore Your Strength. Lazy mornings are the worst. Trying to overcome those feelings that always seem to lurk beneath the surface--inadequacy, unfairness, depression--all trying to claw their way out of my eyes in the form of tears.  Breaking from these does not mean that I don't cry; it means that I realize why I cry and take control of the situation, sometimes more successfully than others.  Why don't we hear about infertility as often as we hear about easy pregnancies? Because those women are forced to be strong, forced to realize that they have to take charge, because as Zora Neale Hurston said, "the dream is the truth." Women do not accept that their dreams are "forever on the horizon," but instead "act and do things accordingly" to achieve these dreams. What a beautiful image for infertility.  We don't know when our ship of dreams will come ashore, but we must be strong enough to believe that our dream is the truth.

Don't mistake tears for weakness.  Tears mean that we deal with our problems when they are difficult. Tears mean that we are human. Tears mean that we know the strength needed to carry on and that--in that moment--we may feel overwhelmed.  But we dry our tears, go to yet another doctor's appointment, have yet another test done.  This is strength, the strength to chase a dream that feels unattainable.  We can't forget to realize that our journey shows our strength, and our strength shows our resolve.

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.) 
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW) 

Sharing a smile

It's amazing how you can feel fully content at one moment and then be hit by a wave of sadness the next.  I never realized how easily joy and sadness can coexist without anyone ever knowing.  Waking up to this is a rather morose thought, so instead of harping on about it, I wanted to share something very humorous--our future child, according to a photo matching machine.

Note: this child looks nothing like DH and I, and actually seems to have Jay Leno's chin.

This is what we really look like, well, after a day at the beach. 

And this is what our only baby looks like :)



Happy Sunday! Hope this made you smile.  

Welcome ICLW!

This is my first time to participate in International Comment Leaving Week and I'm so excited! I can't wait to have some new blog friends to follow! Welcome everyone!

For my full history, click "my story" above, but for a brief run down...

• Married 5 years this June, started TTC last June
• Chemical pregnancy Aug. 2011
• Miscarriage Dec. 2011, uterine septum diagnosed
• Hysteroscopy for septum removal Jan. 2012, blocked left tube
• 2nd hysteroscopy March 2012 to "check" and remove more septum if necessary--it was; left tube still blocked
• Laparoscopy after septum was diagnosed muscular and vascular, necessitating aggressive septum removal, March 2012; left tube withered, apparently having never functioned

As of now, I've stopped all hormones and I am waiting for my body to ovulate naturally again.  So basically we're trying to learn patience!! 

Thanks for visiting my blog! Have a gander (one of my students' vocab words this week) and enjoy! I look forward to meeting many new bloggers this week!