My Troops

There are four women (with the exception of my amazing momma because she knows everything first) in my life I refer to as "my troops." Whenever something happens, I figuratively rally the troops.  A baby announcement (or more recently, the threat of a baby announcement), a possible job change, a new house--I rally my troops for support.  These are the four women a I call/text/email as soon as anything happens.  What's most interesting, they have all been there for me in different, major parts of my life, and now, when I need them most, they coexist together.  I have my high school best friend, my college best friend (the one who got me through the break up from hell), DH's bestie's wife (who became my married best friend), and my work best friend, my bestie DD who knows more about me than anyone.  I could not survive without these 4, nor can I imagine them not being in my life.  But this post is for DD...

My darling DD, an amazing woman.  She always knows what to say, even if I don't want to hear it.  We've been through so much in the five (wow, only five?!) years I've known her. A broken engagement, her now-husband's several deployments to Iraq, countless therapy sessions for both of us, and now here we are, both TTC.  Of course, we desperately want to be pregnant together.  Her younger sister just had a baby, and my SIL is 20w pregnant; both of our biological clocks are in overdrive, their springs threatening to burst off at any moment (very Alice-in-Wonderland-esque). 

DD texted me last night that AF had reared her ugly head...again.  I hate this. I hate that I don't know what to say besides I understand. The frustration, the lack of control, everything about it.  I want this for her almost as bad as I want it for myself.  She deserves it (unlike Mr. Bob's GF, in my opinion).  She's very positive, believing that her time is coming, and I believe it is too.  Stay strong, beautiful bestie.

Ready, Set, Wait.

I hate the 2WW. I hate that I don't know if I even had a viable egg this month, and if I didn't, I'm sitting here without even the possibility of being pregnant.  As I've mentioned  before, my first symptom in both my chemical preg and my preg that ended in miscarriage was sore boobs, at 3dpo. Seriously, that early.  And of course now, I don't have that symptom, so I think that there's no way in hell I can be pregnant.  If you think this sounds crazy, you should try living in my head for a few minutes. You would be suffocated by all the crazy in there.

I realize this is a rant about waiting, and I know there's nothing I can do at this point to help myself out.  I just have to wait, like we have been doing for a year now (which, I know, is way less than lots of people out there).

On top of it all, one of DH's buddy's--let's call him Mr. Bob--girlfriend just found out she's prego.  And Mr. Bob is not happy about it.  Seriously, universe, WTF?! I'm actually not upset by the announcement, just by the fact that there are too many people out there that want babies and can't get them for someone who doesn't want a baby to be able to get one.  I guess that's life, right?

On Being a Runner

Sun beating down on my shoulders, legs pumping to the beat of my music, smile plastered on my face--these are some of my favorite feelings as a runner.  While I played soccer competitively through high school, I wasn't a runner until about 4 years ago. When DD told me she was running a half marathon, my uber-competitiveness kicked in and I decided I could to that too! And so I did. 

I started slow, not really trusting my body to be able to carry me 3 miles, 4 miles, 5 miles.  But my body didn't fail. It kept going because I forced it to. Even in the summer heat, I forced my body to continue.  I finished my first half marathon, then my second. And I thought, wow, if I can do this, I can do a full marathon.  So I pushed my body more.  I forced it to do 15, 16, 18 mile training runs every weekend.  I forced myself to run continuously.  I would cry when my body wouldn't go or needed to rest.

And I did it. 26.2 miles, and then two more half marathons after that.  I've since taken a break from training, thinking, oh, I'll be pregnant and therefore won't be able to train. Well...a year and half since my last half marathon...and I still haven't trained for anything else, always hoping that I will be pregnant.

I still run, three miles two to three times a week (as much as the doctor allows).  I still love the feeling of pushing my legs harder, faster, farther.  I love the exhilarating feeling when I finish a run, thinking, I did that. I made my body do this.  I pushed through pain and heat and fatigue. 

I hate that I can't force my body to be pregnant, hate that I'm not in control.  Being a runner makes me feel in control of myself, and when I run now, I contemplate all the things I wish I could do. Get pregnant easily, have a baby, stop my mind from spinning.  But I can't do any of these things. I can't force my legs across any "baby finish line." 

Finishing my marathon was the proudest and hardest moment of my life.  If I can have the stamina and perseverance to do that, I have to believe I can get through this, too.  Right now, I'm figuratively on mile 22, wanting to give up and sit down at the medical booth just to have someone take care of me.  But I won't.  I will keep running. 

TGISM!

Thank goodness it's...a smiley face! Seriously, first true positive OPK I've had since...well since we conceived last October! To say I'm excited is a bit of an understatement. The smiley face has made my face smiley (ha, that's bad, punny, writing). 

We are still living with my in-laws, yes, and yes, I'm pretty sure they know my exact cycle day...DH and I have a hard time keeping anything secret (more him than me, I promise!).  But regardless, we are about to move into an extensive remodeling project in our new home, so we don't want to spend frivolous money on a hotel room for one night/one morning of brown-chicken-brown-cow--if you say that out loud fast enough, its sounds like bow-chica-bow-wow--thanks, dear co-workers for that phrase.

Heading into our last Friday of school, last day of high school for our seniors, there is a sense of completion to everything, a sense of relief, a collective sigh that means "finally, we've made it."  And here we are, seven months of difficulties behind us; maybe, just maybe, this sense of completion is for me, too. 

Again, RO, RT, rally your troops.  Give me a beautiful egg and a shot at my lifelong dream of being a mommy.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I will cry at senior chapel this morning. Darn you, "Pomp and Circumstance."

Indecisive Emotions

Today, I find out if I will have a niece or a nephew.  My younger sister-in-law is 19 weeks pregnant and has her gender scan today.  We all "think pink," so we will be shocked if the doctor tells her it's a boy. 

I am a jumbled mess of emotions.

I am over-the-moon happy for her. She is a wonderful friend and SIL who's handled this situation with grace from the beginning: she knows that this is difficult for DH and I and she has continued to be sensitive to this fact.  She's also one of those cute pregnant women, you know, the ones with the adorable bump and perfect boobs. It's so cute to see DH happy for his sister, so cute that he wants to see her belly and fawn over her.

And of course, there's the ugly emotion of sadness, and a little jealousy as well. 

On top of all this, I had a nightmare that SIL's hubs was mad at me for not being supportive.  I woke up anxious, thinking, have I done something wrong? Have I faltered in my happiness towards her? Have DH and I let our issues overshadow happiness? Ugh. Why do dreams affect waking emotions so much?!

I will continue to be strong and be happy for her. I will also continue to buy my future niece/nephew lots of cute little things. In a way, this makes up for me not being able to buy cute little baby things for my own child.  But, as I attend her gender reveal tonight, I will still be hoping and praying that we're not far behind.  

The Waiting Room

As I typed the title of this blog, I thought, wow, my whole life is a waiting room right now; though this was not the intended purpose of the title, it fits. 

Yesterday I visited my OBs office for the first time since we found out our little Malachi wouldn't make it.  Mind you, this was not a fun or exciting visit, unless you consider stupid-infections-that-I-can't-cure-with over-the-counter-meds fun. I don't. This office is in the same building as my REs office and the same building as the ER I went to back in November (see Malachi's story if you're curious).  This whole building brings difficult memories to the surface, as if those memories aren't always lurking just beneath.  As I stepped into the elevator, I started crying.  I'm sure people think I'm crazy for all the crying I do, and I'm sure the cute doctor sharing the elevator with me thought so too.  I felt a mini panic attack coming on, again, not uncommon for me lately.  I was dreading the waiting room at my OBs office more than I was dreading the actual appointment.  I was not looking forward to being surrounded by happily pregnant couples.

I step in...and the waiting room is thankfully empty! Things don't seem to be going my way lately, so I was shocked.  I love my OB, and after filling her in on the last 6 months with Dr. W, she said something glorious: it looks like you're very close to ovulating. Thank you, uncomfortable infection, for giving me the first glimpse of hope I've had in a while.  I promptly called DH and told him to cancel all plans for the next week--I'm a little dramatic--and smiled all the way home from the office that once gave me the worst news of my life. The elusive OPK smiley face still hasn't found me, but I think I have some hope that it's just around the corner.  Please don't play hide-and-seek, smiley face; my head can't take the confusion.  And, dear readers, please, please send positive vibes and prayers to RO and RT (Right Ovary and Right Tube--click to see their story), that RO produces a glorious egg for RT to pick up.  If the evil LO produces the egg and LT picks it up...well, I may as well start buying tampons.

Back to the Waiting Room...I never want to be one of those complaining ladies in the Waiting Room.  I never want to forget what it feels like to be on the other side of pregnant.  I never want to forget the strength it's taken to get to the Waiting Room, and the strength it will take to get past it.

Welcome (again) ICLW!

Hello all of you ICLW-ers!  Welcome to my little space where I rant on about dealing with miscarriage, lament new cycles and scheduled sex, and (sometimes) say something worth reading. 

I'm very excited to welcome everyone. This is my second ICLW.  See My Story for a full, albiet brief, history of our issues. We are currently in our 2nd cycle TTC naturally since my last septum/fallopian tube surgery.  Dr. W (my amazing, wonderful infertility specialist) is giving DH and me until August before he steps in with The Big Guns, aka any drug that will help us concieve.  June is fast approaching, bringing with it our 5 year wedding anniversary and our one year anniversary of TTC.  I never thought (no really, never) that we would not have a baby by this point in time. Ha. Oh the lessons we've learned...but more about that later in the week. 

I have several posts percolating in my head right now, and I'm looking forward to giving words and life to my musings.  I can't wait to meet some new blogs and make some new bloggie friends.  Oh, and while you're here...one of my besties (DD) just started a blog about life and turning 30.  It's not an infertility blog, but she definitely knows the sound of the ticking biological clock.  Stop by The Road to 30 and say hi to DD!

A Square Peg in a Round Hole

I read a post yesterday about blogging inspiration, about how sometimes a post forms itself in your mind for days before you actually write it.  I believe this is very true.  Sometimes I post out of obligation or out of excitement (see yesterday), but these aren't necessarily posts that resonate with me.  Sometimes I feel as if these posts characterize me as the silly girl who thinks she has a tough situation and is really just overreacting.  Sometimes I just feel like I don't quite fit. 

I realize that I'm not technically "infertile." One miscarriage, no IUIs, no IVF.  Despite my septate uterus (now fixed, thank goodness) and my non-functioning left tube, I'm fairly reproductively normal.  We don't know how long it will take us to conceive naturally because I only have one tube, but we have been cleared to try naturally for a few months.  With this being said, there are times when I feel vaguely like an imposter, someone who grieves but doesn't deserve to grieve with other women who have been through tougher times. 

For this reason, I have been hesitating to write about Mother's Day.  This post has been rolling around in my brain, up one side, down the other, picking up speed and then losing it again as I've tried to formulate my thoughts and my feelings.  I love Mother's Day because I believe both my mom and my mother-in-law are two of the most amazing women in the world.  I would never, ever miss an opportunity to celebrate either of them. However, Sunday was hard for me, harder than I expected.  I kept thinking, I should be 30 weeks pregnant, I should be celebrating my first mother's day, I shouldn't be sad or depressed on this day.  But I was. More than this, I felt like my feelings didn't quite fit.  I feel like I'm expected to be over this, to not mourn any more.  So why do I still feel this way? Yes, I feel this way much less than I used to. Heck, I'm pretty happy these days.  How do I explain this to others? That yes, I'm a happy girl with many wonderful things happening, but I have waves of sadness, waves of jealousy towards the pregnancies of others. I can't force people to understand me. Most of the time, I avoid talking about it to anyone because I just think they'll say "it will happen," "give it time," "just stop worrying." Where do I find a place to fit? Honestly, it's here.

The women I've "met" in the blogging world have in turn inspired me, supported me, and made me feel sane when I feel anything but.  I regularly update DH on these women.  He nods, asks questions, sympathizes like a good boy.  I'm pretty sure he wonders if I ever get any work done as I read blogs a lot (if you work with me and you're reading this, I promise I work really, really hard!)

Back to Mother's Day...I spent that day with my mom and grandma, hanging out by the pool with my sister, my dad, and DH, and then with my MIL, over a wonderful dinner with all of her children and children-in-law. It was a beautiful day, and I believe that a friend's blog post sums it up.  She has PCOS, and after two years and a miscarriage, she was blessed with a beautiful daughter, thanks to IUI.  She wrote a Mother's Day post titled,"It's Mother's Day and I'm Somebody's Mother." I  For those of us wanting a baby so badly, I believe those are the words we yearn to say.  The simple, pure, beautiful truth of being a mom.

Ch-ch-cha-changes...

Hi bloggy friends! It's the end of the school year, we put a contract on a house last week, my students' AP test is tomorrow, we have an out-of-town wedding this weekend, AND most importantly, my sis-in-law finds out the gender of her Little One next Thursday--life is crazy right now! 

I will blog more about our hopeful new home after the inspection is complete tomorrow. 

Feeling incredibly positive about this month and life in general right now! Tentative house closing June 5, five year anniversary and weekend trip June 9, and maybe some good baby news after that. Really, the baby news is the only variable I can't control, and we all know I hate not being in control of things. 

So until then, good luck and many thoughts and prayers for all of my blog friends who are waiting for their pink lines this month and to those who just got their BFPs and are hoping and praying for 8 more good months. 

This is one of my friend's cats. He sleeps in my purse--and only my purse--every time I visit.  He's quite the gay little cat.  Not that there's anything wrong with that (Seinfeld reference anyone?)



Well hello there!

The irony of yesterday's post? Yesterday ended up being CD1. ha. ha. ha.

At least I know that something in my body is working correctly.  Dr. W. said May should be a normal cycle.  We're allowed to try until August on our own before Dr. W. steps in and works baby magic (at least, that's how it goes in my head, like a Harry Potter spell).  In the meantime, we will be trying to work our own baby magic --insert inappropriate comment about "magic wands" here--

Here we go right ovary; now's your time to shine!

"It wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me"

I did it.  I "unfroze" my FF account after about 2 weeks.  Oh why oh why did I do this? Why do I continually engage in self-deprecating behavior?  I can tell you why I did it:

• I'm currently 39 days into CFH (cycle from hell) and my usual cycles are 32 days.
• I got a few positive OPKs almost 2 weeks ago; HOWEVER I don't know if I actually ovulated as I have no idea what's going on with my body.  Most important thing to note: my doctor said I probably wouldn't even ovulate for 2 more weeks.
• I  like clicking boxes. I inputted all my "symptoms" and all my OPK info just to see if FF would give me an ovulation day. Which it did.  So that means....drum roll please....yup, I'm in the 2 week wait.  Or I would be in the 2WW if I actually did ovulate.  AND of course, 2 weeks would be over on Sunday--Mother's Day--a sure sign from God. (she says rolling her eyes)
• I obsessively symptom spot. Like, obsessively.  I don't even know if they're symptoms but I can turn anything in to a symptom.  Typing too fast? Must be a symptom.  Greek yogurt tasted funny? Yup, I'm pregnant.  Hair looks oddly blonde? Start planning my baby shower!
• Possible real symptoms? Crampy, backache, exhausted, and yes, my Greek yogurt did actually taste funny yesterday.  ALL of these things are usually associated with AF, and I know that.  With both my chem. pregnancy and my real pregnancy, my first symptom was sore boobs.  Do I have those? Nope, not at all. I punch them just to make sure, and in my head I know that this most likely means there's NWH I'm prego.



Photo from Denver Public Library
I feel as crazy as  Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire



Please don't judge to harshly. In fact, if there is someone, anyone out there who does this same thing, I would love some reassurance that I haven't gone off the deep end. 

Hi, My name is J, and I'm a cry-a-holic

Many moons ago, (ok, only 4 years) when I  turned 25, something remarkable happened--I stopped being able to control my tears.  They just come. Folger's commercials, Hallmark commercials, Friends episodes, How I Met Your Mother episodes, and then of course the expected: weddings, graduations, baby showers, church, chapel on Friday with my students, Monday mornings. My tears are not judgemental; they treat every occasion equally.  DH can always tell when I've been crying because the tip of my nose turns bright red and my eyes an equally bright green.  When I was a little girl, crying because my baby sister had gotten hurt, my dad told me that his eyes did the same thing--because the white part gets so red, the green just stands out.  Somehow, this has always made crying seem prettier to me.

I don't watch much TV, but DH and I do enjoy The Voice on NBC.  Last night, one of the final contestants sang "You Raise Me Up." I cried, or more like, I wept. This song is so beautiful and Chris Mann's voice is unbelievable.  I hope I am strong enough to listen--truly listen--to the lyrics of this song because as we know, having faith can be quite a booger sometimes. 

Enjoy with a box of tissues :)

Make New Friends

As the Girl Scout "anthem" goes, make new friends but keep the old...

This weekend I made a new friend.  We were at my  brother-in-law's Cinco de Mayo birthday party and I started chatting with a girl (L) about my age.  I knew that she had done 2 IUIs so of course we started chatting about our journeys with infertility. Come to find out, we both see Dr. W, and both of our husbands feel the same way about him!  We had a lovely conversation.  Lately I've been feeling as if no one truly understands me and that I can't truly explain myself.  It's so hard to explain to someone how one day can be wonderful but then the next day feels as if the world weighs heavily upon me, and like everything is too much. It's also hard to explain how you can be both elated for someone and depressed at the same time.  So, it was really nice to have someone to talk to, someone to reassure me that I'm not crazy and that these things are normal.  Of course, her situation is very different than mine, but I definitely found a kindred spirit in her.  I'm praying that her next IUI brings her a beautiful, perfect spring 2013 baby. 

On another note, I had a dream this weekend that I was trying to dial a phone number and the numbers kept getting all switched around on me so I could never complete the call.  This seems to be along the same lines as the dream I had last week, that I was running a marathon but there was no finish line, so I just kept on running.  Anyone notice a theme here?!!

With a busy work week ahead of me and no end in sight to my crazy, whacked out cycle, I'm already ready for this week to be over!

Do you have any kids yet?

So Lindsay at Tiny Bits of Hope  actually gave me the idea to write about this. I adore her blog :)  She mentioned in her latest post that it's hard to know what to say when people ask "do you have any kids yet."  Now you may be wondering--people really ask this?!! And the sad, true answer is: YES.  I guess as you look like you're getting closer to 30--which I do thanks to Hubert the wrinkle--this becomes a fair question to ask, something like "do you want fries or a salad" or "are you planning a summer vacation." And my typical answer is "salad," "yes," and "we're trying!" What I would like to say is that I want children more than anything in the world, that I have already put my body through so much to make it ready to have children, that yes I had a baby and he went away and every day I want him back.  What I would like to say is that the question is insensitive and unless you are a close friend, you should never ask that question.

But I don't say those things.

"Not yet, but we're trying." And that's supposed to encapsulate everything.  The worst experience I had with this happened back in March.  I saw an old colleague while I was out shopping.  I truly liked this woman when I worked with her.  Her son had gotten married about the same time DH and I did, so naturally, she asked if I was pregnant and/or had any children yet.  As I knew this woman, I responded no, that we had just miscarried in December and I was currently recovering from my fourth surgery.  She "sympathetically" said she was sorry, and then pulled out her cell phone and gushed about her new grandbaby and how her son had just had his second child, and on....and on...and on...I was SHOCKED that someone could be so callous.  I will never, ever, ever do that to anyone. 

As Lindsay said in her blog post, you want people to know what you've been through to "get" your baby when they ask if you have children yet.  But because I don't want to sound like a crazy person, I will continue with "not yet, but we're trying," and know in my heart the blessing and miracle that my future child will be.

May the fourth be with you, and happy Star Wars Day :)

Will Beg for Travel

*UPDATE!*apparently sending DH the link to this blog worked! I think we're going to GREECE!


DH and I have been invited to a wedding this summer. Now, this is not just any wedding. It is a destination wedding, in Greece, on an island, during the summer.  And the wedding invitation is hands down the most beautiful wedding invitation I have ever seen.  The girl who's getting married is DH's office mate, a sweet girl who is now working both in Finland and stateside.  I desperately want to attend this wedding, but the beginning of the month is the busiest time for DH at work and he needs to prepare, blah blah blah. 

I traveled around Greece in college, but I would love to experience its beauty in a more relaxing and adult way (read: not getting drunk on ouzo and skinny dipping).  So, to my DH, my favorite person in the world, below are a list of reasons why we should attend this wedding:

1. We need a vacation from everything.  The past six months have been trying and heartbreaking at times, and we deserve a break.
2. The Bride is a lovely lady and deserves to be celebrated. By us.
3. This is FOR SURE one of the reasons we don't have a baby yet. God must have thought, "they need to go to Greece; therefore, J cannot have a baby yet." And, now that our little Malachi is up there, he's probably telling us to go to Greece too.
4. Once we have said baby, we won't be able to jaunt off to Greece for a fortnight.  I'm not really sure how long a fortnight is, but it sounds really cool and seems to fit well with the word "jaunt."
5. Airfare is actually reasonable with all those miles you racked up traveling, and when you traveled, I was alone, and therefore, because I was alone, now you should use those miles to take me on vacation. Logic, my dear man: if A = B, and B= C, then C= Greek vacation.  (hmmm, reason #465 I don't teach math)
6. The Bride has made amazing plans for the two days before the wedding and the day after the wedding, so we wouldn't have to plan much or pay people to plan things for us.
7. You love me, and our five year anniversary is in June. I will forgo all anniversary presents for a trip to Greece, I promise.

I'm sure I could go on forever about why we should go, but that will suffice for now. In closing, please convince DH that we should go to Greece. And if he still wanted to get drunk on ouzo and skinny dip, I guess I'm not too old :)

Can I go home now?

Some days it would just be better to stay in bed.  Just exhausted. Exhausted from what? I don't know exactly.  I told DH last night that it's odd if an hour goes by where I don't think about babies or ovulation or babies. 

Can you be exhausted from thinking? I need a vacation.

Still no sign of the elusive smiley face and her friend O.  Even though I stopped the tests, I feel like I would know if she had arrived.  Le sigh. Off to class, or what semblance of class is left now that summer break is about three weeks away. I'm sure reading Streetcar Named Desire will surely cheer me up. ha. ha. ha. because Tennessee Williams is so uplifting.