Just a pop in

I'm watching coverage of Pope Benedict leaving Rome for the last time. Wow. I'm just in awe of the enormity of this. I have so many memories of Rome. I hope our UD students currently in Rome are taking this historic event in, savoring every moment. (My university has a Rome study abroad program where students spend a semester in Rome their sophomore year).

I wish I could write eloquently enough to explain how all of this affects me, but I don't have the words, or the computer (I'm blogging on my phone) to do so. I was trying to catch a glimpse of our campus as the helicopter approached Castel Gondolfo, but no luck. I vividly remember being at Castel Gondolfo during our Rome semester.

There are no words.

Hospital Lists...

Daniel's having daddy time so I'll take this chance to share my hospital lists.  There are so many different opinions out there about what you need and what you don't.  I figured I'd write this 3 days post partum so that I remember vividly what helped me :)

Most important thing: a supportive coach.  Sparky was more than I could ever have imagined.  We took our birthing class together and talked about exactly what I wanted him to do and how I wanted him to calm me and coach me during labor.  I never yelled at him and he coached me through all of my contractions and through pushing.  I can't recommend a good coach highly enough :)

For the hospital bag:

• Comfy pj pants (I wore 2 pair the whole time and wore one pair of yoga pants home)
• Nursing tanks.  You could probably use normal tanks as long as they're stretchy enough to nurse in
• Nursing bra
• Shirt to wear home from hospital
• Slippers
• Socks with grippy bottoms (the hospital ones are ugly and I like cute socks) 
• Baby book (Sparky liked/likes to reference our book often)
• Change of clothes for hubby 
• Two to three outfits for baby. Daniel wore two.  Bring different sizes--our newborn clothes are too small for our eight pound chunker!!! 
• Baby socks/hat (we loved the hospital hats, though, and used those most)
• Recieving blanket (optional...you can use the hospital ones) 
• Toothbrush/toothpaste
• Face wash
• Shampoo, conditioner, body wash.  The first shower you will take is AMAZING and I think every woman feels better when she's using her own toiletries
• Face cream
• I brought makeup (tinted moisturizer, blush, mascara, eyeliner, basic eyeshadow) because that's what makes me feel better.  The day after I had him I actually felt like a real person once I had my makeup on
• Hairbrush (I forgot this one!)
• Hair tie

For Nursing

• Boppy or nursing pillow.  I also forgot this and all of the nurses asked me if I had it.  My mom went and got it for me and I was sooo grateful.  The nurses can help with how to use it too, but if you don't have it, they can't help
• SOOTHIES!!! Best.invention.ever.  They're these sticky hydrogel boob pads that soothe your nipples.  Ahhh....I am wearing them right now! You can wear one pair for 24 hours.  My hospital gave me some but I would recommend bringing your own, just in case
• Lanolin for nipples, or any sort of nipple cream.  I've heard good things about Earth Mama Nipple Butter but I don't have any myself.  Both are completely safe for baby too so you don't have to worry about feeding once you put the cream on.
• Nursing tank or bra...these things are awesome.  I wouldn't buy more than one bra beforehand, though, because you don't know how big the ladies are going to get until your milk comes in.

For "down there" (I had an episiotomy so these things were great for me)

• NOTE: I didn't bring any of these things but was given them at the hospital.  
• Tucks pads. These are witch hazel cold pads that sooth your stitches and/or very, very sore chacha
• Lidocaine or other numbing/antiseptic spray.  I had this at home but was given more at the hospital. Once I figured out WHERE I needed to spray it, I was good
• Big diaper-like pads. Have them at home. The hospital will give you some
• WEAR the big diaper-like hospital pads.  Seriously. They are huge but wonderful. You'll want as much cushion as possible when you sit.
• Wear and bring home the "awesome" hospital mesh underwear.  They are huge and you'll feel like you're wearing 80 year old man briefs, but you will love them.  They are stretchy and comfy. I wanted nothing to do with real underwear.  
• Buy a pack of cheap, LARGE, cotton underwear.  They're comfy and you don't want anything tight on, trust me.

For the Nurses, and miscellaneous

• Cookies or treats of some sort.  I am SOOO glad I did this.  We ended up getting a suite in the post partum area because we were nice to the nurses and they liked us.  Seriously, be nice to them.  I made friends (as did Sparky) with all of our nurses.  This resulted in the suite, extra soothies, and just general good conversation. I just made one big Tupperware of cookies, put a bow on top with a little thank you note, and asked the nurse to take them to the nursing station.  SO many people (including my doctor) mentioned the cookies.
• I asked EVERY nurse if Daniel's breastfeeding latch was ok.  How else are you going to know?!
• Ask every question you have.  I called when I thought Daniel was too red, when I thought his breathing was funny, whenever.  We had a running list of questions we wrote down as we thought of them so we could be sure to ask the nurse/pediatrician/OB before we left. This was INCREDIBLY beneficial.  
• Don't hesitate to call them.  Remember, you're paying the hospital (and you brought them cookies so they like you); they're there to answer your questions.  
• **controversial**send baby to the nursery at night.  We LOVED this.  After the last feeding (around 8 or 9) we called the nursery and they picked up Daniel.  Every three hours, they brought him back to me to feed and when I was done, I called and they picked him back up.  We still bonded with our son, but we also got 6-8 hours of sleep, something that won't happen when you get home.  We woke up fresh for the 7 am feeding and were able to enjoy spending the day with our new baby.  Trust me, Daniel and I have bonded just fine! 
• Take the pain meds.  You are not superwoman. The pain SUCKS.  I let the pain get ahead of me once and hated it :( you want to enjoy your newborn, not cry because you're in so much pain.  I really wasn't prepared for post partum pain at all so it came as a shock to me when I actually needed the meds, but I definitely did
• When you're in labor: tell the nurse if you're in pain.  Let the nurse and anesthesiologist help you if your epidural is wearing off. Tell them everything so they can help you better.  
• Make your wishes known.  We didn't want anyone in the delivery room once I had my epidural.  Your nurse is your "guard dog."  We had specific things we wanted after the birth.  Make sure your nurses know :) I did not have a formal written birth plan and I still got everything I wanted. 

Leave your dignity at home.  Your nurses and doctors (and husband) will see more of you and more "gross" of you than you can even imagine.  Let them.  Let them help you, even when you're wearing the most non-sexy mesh undies in the world.  Don't pretend you can do it all--you can't.  

I think that's it for now.  I just have to say I had such a wonderful birth experience because of the hospital nurses and my supportive hubs.  If you have any questions, leave me a comment :)

Just briefly...and a few more photos of Daniel

Thank you, thank you for all of the kind words and congratulations. We couldn't be more blessed.  Our first night home went surprisingly well! Daniel slept which means momma kind of slept, when she wasn't making sure he was breathing haha :)

I'm going to post a "hospital necessities" list since more than half of my blogroll is expecting right now (yay!)  But for now, I will leave you with some pics of our beautiful blessing

our cool cat on his way home from the hospital

Morning snuggle with Daddy

Daniel's Birth Day

My boy is being checked out by the pediatrician so I have a little time before he's back and hungry. And man, that boy loves to eat. But more on that later.

I was supposed to be induced yesterday at 5:30 am. Well, I ended up going into spontaneous labor at 3 am, contractions 7 minutes apart. We didn't rush to the hospital as we knew we had an "appointment" anyway. We got to the hospital around 5:15. I was at a 2 when I was first checked, 80%effaced. Contractions hurt like hell.

I was making great progress but still needed a minimal amount of pitocin. Before the pitocin even kicked in, my contractions were at an 8 pain level, and I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I decided to get my epidural: best decision ever. Once we got the dosage correct and figured out that most of the medicine was dripping to my left, I was able to lay on my left side and sleep on and off for three hours.

At that point I was about 6 cm and progressed rapidly after that. I started pushing at 2:00 and he was born at 2:17!! Sparky was the best coach I could've ever asked for. The pushing was great and I felt no psi. I did have a tiny episiotomy unfortunately. She gave me the option to keep trying but with the cut, baby came immediately.

Daniel weighs 8 pounds 3 ounces and is 20 inches long. For a 5'4" girl, that's a big baby! He's precious and alert and as of now, easy to soothe. We had him in the nursery last night and I fed him every three hours. Sparky and I got some sleep which was nice. He's being circumcised right now (wahhhh!!!) and then he'll be back here with us.

Breast feeding is tough but I think we're getting the hang of it. The post partum recovery is difficult. I wasn't expecting this much pain or needing pain medicine. But that's ok.

I'm sure I will post more pics soon :) the first pic is from yesterday and the second one is from this morning.

Quick picture

Daddy and his son
More to come tomorrow with birth story

Today's the day!

At the hospital waiting to meet Mr. Daniel! Will update later with picture :)

Reflecting

I started this blog eleven months ago, almost to the day.  At the time, I was recovering from my third uterine surgery.  I was also emotionally recovering from my miscarriage four months before.  I never expected the miscarriage to break me so emotionally.  I remember still crying in March, wondering if anyone else grieved so long over something so small. I felt stupid, childish, helpless, and inadequate, as if there was something wrong with me because I couldn't forget Malachi.  We had just found out that my SIL was expecting, and I was trying to find a balance between excitement, jealousy, and love.  All of these feelings are still real to me.  At times, I felt like I had no one to talk to.  Sparky understood how I felt about his sister's pregnancy, but no one understood the feeling of loss and inadequacy associated with the miscarriage and subsequent surgeries. 

I remember vividly crying in the recovery room when Dr. W. told me that our second hsyteroscopy wasn't successful and that I would need laparoscopic surgery. I remember how devastated I was when I learned that all of the hormones had delayed my cycle again.  I remember the fear of my positive pregnancy test on June 5, how I had to hide the box of cheap tests so that I wouldn't compare lines from one day to the next.

I am amazed at how memories can make feelings so real again. 

I am grateful for every single day of the past forty + weeks, but these weeks have not been without their share of emotions and feelings of desperation.  There have been peaks of anxiety so strong in this pregnancy that I wonder if there's something wrong with me, if other women feel such things.  While not the same as dealing with my loss, I've definitely sobbed while asking the question: why am I like this?  Why don't other women feel this anxious or this scared?  There have been days that have left me crippled with fear, sleepless nights where I pray just to let the baby move so I can fall back asleep knowing he's ok. 

All of this stems from the fear of losing something I so desperately want.  Even in this desperation, I still fear the future, the unknown.  What will parenting be like?  What will my life be like?  Am I really "superwoman," able to juggle grad school and work and baby and wife?  And yet, when I hold my son for the first time, these fears will fade away. 

Despite the sometimes-crippling fear, I will be sad to not be pregnant anymore.  The kicks, the rolls, the closeness of Daniel...feelings I will never forget...but I know memories are waiting to be made.  The first time Sparky holds his son, the first time my parents become grandparents--these are the feelings I want to remember when I have these memories years from now.  I think there's a part of me that will always grieve the loss of Malachi, always remember his conception date and due date, but I know the feeling of those memories will be outweighed by the feelings of new memories, of my son, of my family. 

My son. Those words are seriously crazy to type and even crazier to say.

I know that I'm not technically "infertile," that my place in the land of infertile bloggers is nonexistent, really, but without finding this space, I wouldn't have gotten here.  When I was drowning in grief from a loss I thought I "should" have been over, I found others out there experiencing the same thing.  I found women who validated my grief and my thoughts and fears.  Almost all of the women I've met here are now expecting, a fulfillment of a birthday wish I made six months ago.  The comments and the support are amazing, even when you don't feel like you quite fit in.  So thank you, blog friends.  Thank you so much for pulling me out of one of the darkest periods of my life.  For making me realize that I was not an anomaly.

40.3

We are so close! Dr. N thinks that Daniel will hold out until Friday, but she says it should be an easy induction given baby's position and the position of my cervix. We've definitely made progress since last week. That makes me happy.

I will post a picture once he arrives :)

I hope to post tomorrow about our journey to this point. I've had sporadic contractions all afternoon so maybe we will be in the hospital tomorrow, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Going to enjoy another evening with hubs!

Like a library book, I'm overdue

Yes, I'm still pregnant.  I am not really complaining about this so much as I am in disbelief that I am still pregnant.  Today I walked the mall for two hours, with no contractions.  Then I had a massive breakdown when I got home.  Like, uncontrollable crying.  I don't know if I'm overtired or just tired or just done.  I told Sparks he could have a couple of his friends over to watch some NBA thing (ps I hate basketball).  DUMB IDEA. Who thinks having people over is a good idea for a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant? Yeah, not me. 

Anyway, so now I'm upstairs, blogging.  I did grad school work, for which I have absolutely no motivation, and now I'm blogging to avoid going downstairs where there are real people to whom I actually have to be nice and pleasant.  The last few days I've really lacked the motivation to do or see anyone. I want to curl up on the couch with Sparks and just not think.  Thinking makes me anxious.  The longer I'm pregnant, the more I start to worry about everything, like breastfeeding, or sleeping times, or naps...WAHHHH it's enough to make me want to start crying again.  I'm ready to jump into mommyhood, not dwell on the ins and outs of it. 

I'll stop my little pity party now and talk a little about the lovely week we had.  My last day of work was Wednesday, though I've been pretty busy with work still.  With email, I can still do a lot of the things I was doing at work.  The only thing that's really different is that I'm not actually in my classroom teaching, must to the dismay of my students.  I teach a class of over-achieving juniors who are in the middle of a major research project, so they're a little needy right now :)

Sparky and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day.  We've never gone out (except the one year we were in Vegas) and our  tradition is to cook an "extravagant" dinner for ourselves and enjoy a nice bottle of wine and champagne.  This year, we had steaks and au gratin potatoes. As a throwback, we lit up the fire pit and sat outside by the pool talking.  (throwback being...our first Valentine's day together, we both lived at home.  Sparky came over to my parent's house and I had their firepit set up and a blanket laid out full of yummy appetizers...so this year we celebrated "old school" style).  Thoughtful actions mean more to me than gifts; Sparky gave me some "coupons" to use once Daniel gets here (ie: one girls night out) and cadbury eggs, which as he said, are better than any crappy Valentine's candy.  Though right now, I will devour anything chocolate. 

Honestly, I don't mind Valentine's day.  I just hope that I always show Sparks how much I love him. 

39.3....update

Anxiously awaiting today's doctor's visit.  Induction moved to 2/22 if Daniel still hasn't arrived.  HOPING he comes before that. 

4 days away from my due date...feeling like a beached whale.

What I've done to help:

• Fallen on my butt
• Vacuumed and mopped 1500 square feet of my house
• Baked cookies for three hours
• Walked, walked, and walked more
• Bounced on a yoga ball
• Squats, lunges

So, we are waiting.  I'm actually doing better than Sparky! As he said last night, "it's getting annoying." I said, try carrying him around!  The waiting is tough but the stress that comes with carrying extra weight seems to be the toughest thing for me.  I have truly loved being pregnant, but I'm ready to not have to heave myself off the couch or out of a chair!

I will update after my apt. today...

And I'm a "good one" dilated, still 50% effaced but my cervix is lower which is good. Got my membranes stripped a bit in hopes it will help :)

Post 2: pictures, pictures, and more pictures

Firstly, some background about Sparky turning 30.  Sparky has always been Peter Pan, never wanting to grow up.  So much so that we threw him a Peter Pan-themed birthday party (complete with little kid goodie bags--ok they had mini bottles in them...) when he turned 27.  and hooks.  We wore hooks.


2010

Needless to say, accepting 30 has been quite a task for him.  He said he kept thinking of it as just his birthday rather than turning 30.  It was very important to me that he feel incredibly special on his 30th birthday, so at his party, I asked everyone to bring one of his "favorite things," something that reminded them of him.  The turnout was amazing and Sparky was definitely surprised by the gifts.  I also made him a beer cake.

And his birthday cake was pineapple upside cake with buttercream frosting.  AWESOME recipe

On a completely different note, Sparky is a great photog and tried his hand at some maternity photos.  Honestly, these photos are as good as if not better than the ones I paid for.  Sad to say, Sparky was right and I probably shouldn't have paid for pictures.  These were at 35 weeks I believe, when the belly was still manageable. 

would like to  brighten up the right side of my face...still learning the software

 

Wish I would've moved the blanket on the crib. How can I photo shop that out?!



Cockroach-0; JB's butt-1

Yesterday was Sparky's 30th birthday.  We have a tradition where we make each other breakfast our birthday mornings, so I got up early to make Sparks pressed breakfast burritos (amazing! basically a breakfast burrito put into a panini press: think crunchy, gooey goodness).  I saw a little cockroach when I walked into the kitchen.  Now, here in My Really Big State in the South, cockroaches are usually not little, so this one was little, about 2-3 inches max.  I dutifully got the heavy duty bugspray and sprayed the crap out of the thing.  But he didn't die.  So I sprayed more. And apparently this made the horrid little thing go bat sh*t crazy.  I was afraid he'd run away and not die, so I thought, well, I will just step on him.

Bad idea.

I was wearing slippers but forgot that I had just doused the tile in bugspray.  Out my legs go from underneath me and I land smack dab on my butt, bugspray now covering my whole right leg and cockroach guts covering my whole slipper.  And you know what I kept thinking? Please just let my water break.  No such luck. Not even a darn contraction after all that. 

Sparky went on to have a fabulous breakfast and birthday.  I went on to have a slight backache, and other than the cockroach, we are all ok :)  Have a fabulous Friday!

Sigh...no change

Another two week wait is upon us.

We scheduled an induction for 2/21, when I will be 40 weeks/5 days. I'm trying to give him as much time as possible to come on his own and my OB won't let me go past 41 weeks which I'm perfectly fine with!

I'm trying to embrace this time with hubs and know that my baby is happy and healthy rather than being upset that baby's not here sooner.

So here we go, on to week 39!

38.3 weeks

I have my 38 week appointment today. I'm hoping and praying that we've made progress since last week, and I will update after our appointment.  Given the amount of contractions I had yesterday and the intense pressure I've had every night, I will be quite disappointed if I'm still only 1 cm.  I realize that the dilation/effacement doesn't mean much in predicting labor, but it's still nice to hear that my body is working as it should.

Daniel's movements have definitely become alien-like and a tad painful, nothing I can't handle but enough to make me say oww.  And the bladder/cervix pressure is pretty intense.  The weird thing is, I think I'm going to miss this.  I'm going to miss his closeness and the little game we play where I rub his feet and he kicks me back. 

Sparky is so ready to meet his son.  He's been reading Happiest Baby on the Block which I'm so thankful for because he truly ponders and retains information better than I do! He woke up this morning talking about swaddling.  I never thought I could fall more in love with someone because they talk about swaddling and colicky babies, but I definitely am smitten by that boy. 

We did have Sparky's 30th birthday party on Saturday night and it was a great success.  He's been friends with most of these boys since he was little, so watching them all turn 30 within months of each other is a pretty awesome thing.  They tested out our hot tub/pool and played beer pong till about 2 am.  I guess boys don't really grow up much!  I have some good pics of the "beer cake" (think diaper cake with beer cans) that I made for the occasion, and as soon as I download the pics from my camera I'll post them.  I was pretty happy with how the house was decorated, especially accomplishing all of this (and a from-scratch pineapple upside cake) at 38 weeks pregnant.  Needless to say, I paid for being on my feet all day with sporadic contractions all night, but Sparks is more than worth it. 

So with that, I know you will all be waiting anxiously for my afternoon update.  My cervical state is so exciting, I know.