11 weeks

**This is a baby post. Just wanted you to be forewarned**

Eleven Weeks...

Size of Baby: a lime

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I'm ignoring my scale.

Maternity Clothes: I'm embarrassed. I had to buy maternity clothes already :( my pants are just not comfortable. I keep telling myself, you were skinny! It's OK that your pants are tight! I also have several work/grad school functions coming up at which I need to look good, not like a girl who ate too many doughnuts.

Gender: still can't see anything, much to DH's dismay

What I miss: my pants? ha. Sharing a drink with hubs.

Cravings: More like aversions to anything sweet.

Symptoms: more tired this week than I've been in the past. Muscle cramps (I guess growing pains) and back ache.

Best Moment of the Week: Watching Baby B do flips on the ultrasound AND returning back to my OB who I love

Next appointment: Aug. 28 (my birthday :) )
 
In other news: I love the Olympics! I love gymnastics especially and felt terrible that Jordyn Wieber didn't make the all around finals. It seems silly that she probably scored higher than 75% of the rest of the field of gymnasts and couldn't qualify because each team can only send 2 people. BTW, she TOTALLY looks like my litlte sister. It's so creepy. If we took a picture of my sister and then photoshopped her to have a bigger neck, she would BE Jordyn. I'm not kidding!!

It's all relative

Relativity sucks. I'm an English teacher, so pardon me for not knowing the scientific details behind the theory of relativity.  I'm sure that relativity does make sense and is necessary to make the world go 'round, but in my eyes, I hate the concept of relativity.

We returned last night from a glorious mountain/lakeside vacation, replete with much relaxation, hiking, and laughing.  Six nights that flew by--driving home from the airport last night, I thought, where did the time go? What did we do for six days that I'm already back in this heat?  My vacation flew by, much to my dismay. 

Unlike grief, sorrow, and pain.  Grief trickles by so slowly, marking calendar days that "would have been," milestones that now serve as sad remembrances as opposed to happy celebrations.  Anyone who's lost either a child or a loved one must know this.  How can my vacation feel so short and my loss of Malachi feel like it's taken so long to overcome?

Every day on the TTC journey and then hopefully on the baby journey feels like a million years.  Waiting to reach the end of the first trimester. Waiting for AF to show up. Waiting for a BFP or an IUI or a transfer. These times feel as if they take ages to pass through. Why? Why don't vacations feel longer and our desperate times shorter? It's hard to believe there can be a scientific principle for this.
Do other women who haven't had losses or haven't had struggles with conceiving ever think about this? It seems like for some women, days on the calendar fly by without so much as a thought. There's no "I just have to make it to this day" or "I'll feel better at x amount of weeks." Why can't the waiting bring peace as quickly as vacations bring a trip home? 

I have no answers to my questions.  I'm pretty sure I will continue to live my life in a series of weeks, slow (sometimes painful) weeks.  And yet my journey's length is only relative to those of you out there who have been struggling years to conceive.  What has seemed to me like a long time (a year) is a drop in the bucket for some of you.  Life feels completely wrapped up in relativity, like some crazy black hole-like vortex. 

I guess the only thing to do is to find the positive in the wait...and for a pessimistic optimist such as myself, this takes time. Relatively speaking, of course.

Happy angel birthday, my Malachi

Today would've been my due date. Today I would've held my baby boy, seen his father smile at his first son. His real name wouldn't have been Malachi--that's his angel name.

Because we're on vacation, the date crept up on me. But then the realization hit. DH says it's ok, nothing to be sad about, because we have another one on the way. That doesn't take this pain away. I simply think, I can't go through that type of loss again. This baby has to be ours.

So my dear Malachi, as you are up there looking down on us, know that your mommy and daddy love you. Watch over your brother or sister. We wish we could've met you, held you, looked into your eyes and kissed your little hands. Our little angel, too good for earth.

Happy angel birthday, my Malachi.

Much needed rest, and 10 weeks

I'll be on vacation starting tomorrow with no comp access, so this post is a day early.  Doctor appointment went very well yesterday. However, I still have to go back to my RE one more time; maybe then he'll take me off all of these crazy (expensive!) hormones.

DH and I are taking a jaunt to Colorado. I prefer the British term "holiday" to vacation, so we are going on holiday to the mountains where we will blissfully do nothing.  After the past few months, we need to get away from everything.  Hopefully when we come back, we will close on the house we put a contract on two weeks ago.  Love to all of you lovely ladies! I'll see you in a week!

Ten Weeks

Size of Baby: A prune.

Total Weight Loss/Gain: still five pounds.  I had a bit of a tummy ache last night, so I'm hoping that maybe I lost a pound

Maternity Clothes: Monday and Tuesday I was crazy bloated, so I broke out my belly band.  I can't really button pants comfortably, but I think this again is bloat more than baby.

Gender: DH asked Dr. W if he could see a penis, and Dr. W. laughed. No idea yet.

What I miss: not hating all of my clothes

Cravings: salads this week

Symptoms: still nauseous. The constant peeing has gotten slightly better.  More tired this week than I've been in the past

Best Moment of the Week: When the baby put his whole foot up and we could see all the toes on the screen
Next appointment: Friday, July 27 (Dr. W), Monday, July 30 with OB (Dr. N)

My peaceful place

I never feel quite as at ease as I do in a classroom. 

I am reminded of that fact today.  I am proctoring the entrance test for the private school at which I work, and even though it's only 6 hours, and even though the students work independently the whole time, I can't get enough of the atmosphere.  I know I'm not exactly teaching right now, but I'm surrounded by thinking brains and the timidity that only youth and uncertainty combined can bring.  Instructing the students on something as simple as how the test works and where the restrooms are makes me feel at home, like I belong here.

I'm starting my eighth year of teaching in the fall.  Eight and a half, if you count my student teaching in college.  I was 20 then, a mere 4 or 5 years older than my students.  They were still born in the eighties--this was a lovely fact.  We had the same basis of knowledge in terms of entertainment and basic cultural happenings.  Fast forward to now...my students this year were born in 1996 or 1997. 1997! This freaks me out a little bit.  They no longer know who OJ is. They didn't watch Full House or Friends or Seinfeld (except maybe now on Nick at Nite).  They grew up with computers and cell phones and texting.  They probably have no idea that you couldn't text on the first cell phone, or that the first ones weren't portable.  They wear eighties clothing now because they think it's in style, not realizing that neon, off the shoulder shirts, and leggings weren't invented last year.  As a teacher, you do have to shift how you relate to these students.  But I love them. 

You've probably figured out that I teach high school.  Little children scare me. Case and point: this morning, I had admissions testing for 5th and 6th graders. They drove me crazy and they didn't even speak.  They spun around in chairs, made faces at each other, and generally just annoyed me and made me nervous that they would fall off the chair. Now, if my 11th graders did this, I would simply give them my evil teacher stare and they would stop and we would move on. 

Teaching is a draining business; anyone who has taught in any capacity knows this.  I pour everything I have into teaching and at the end of the school year, I'm drained. I think, I can't do this again. I can't grade another essay or tell another student to stop talking.  Summer happens, as do days like today, where I know that my place is in the classroom. I am so at peace; just by giving one of my testers another sheet of scratch paper and seeing that shy smile, I am emboldened.  I can get up in front of a class of 16 year olds and know that I am supposed to be there.  That's my peaceful place.  And even when it doesn't seem peaceful, when they're taping themselves together or they're bleary-eyed after a late night football game, they're still my students.

Nine Weeks

In the name of trying to embrace and be truly excited about baby, I thought I'd do a weekly update.  Yes, I'm still a little nervous.  But, even if something does happen, at least I'll have a record of the happiness I experienced. So if you're in a difficult spot right now and I know many of you are, please don't feel compelled to read this.  I will still love you :)

Nine Weeks...

Size of Baby: A green olive (like almost an inch)

Total Weight Loss/Gain: up 5 pounds already.  I'm hoping I was underweight to begin with. How in the world have I gained 5 pounds?!

Maternity Clothes: nothing really. I did put on a Gap maternity shirt today (thanks Steph!) just because it was long and comfy, not to show off any bump at all.  I had to use a hairband to close my pants yesterday, but they were my skinny pants anyway.

Gender: DH thinks boy, everyone else seems to think girl. I have no feelings one way or the other.

What I miss: dirty martinis. I was watching Sex and the City last night and just kept thinking, all I really want right now is a dirty martini, with like 6 olives. The olive thing creeps me out considering that's the baby's size right now. I'd rather not equate the baby with martini olives, thank you.

Cravings: cheese, watermelon, ice cream at night. Mexican food

Symptoms:  nauseous all morning and then from about 6pm on.  Night is the worst, but no throwing up yet.  Tired. Boobs are a full A cup! (that's the best thing ever, coming from a girl who barely filled out a AA).

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing the baby on Monday.  It has arms and legs now!

Next appointment: Wednesday, July 18. Last appointment with my RE.

Hearts and Rainbows?

I haven't been very good at updating my blog lately.  I'm lacking inspiration right now, I think.  Things are progressing nicely with the pregnancy, but I still hesitate to write about it.  Why? Well...

• I have met some wonderful ladies through blogging, so many who are going through such hard times right now.  I don't want to be insensitive in writing about my happiness when so many others are suffering.
• I don't want to be all "rainbows and hearts" about things when I still remember so vividly what it's taken me to get here.  I am happy, but not the happy-go-lucky of many pregnant women who've never experienced loss.
• I'm still a Nervous Nelly.  We had our 8wk appointment today.  Everything looks good.  Dr. W. was very quick about it.  For this reason, I'm excited to go back to my OB doctor--she's a little more doting :).  Right after the appointment, I got on fbook.  One of my old acquaintances had just posted that she lost her baby at 16 wks due to a genetic abnormality.  I know that this is rare, but it still makes me think, makes me hesitant to be over-the-moon about the way things are progressing.  DH wonders why I'm still nervous.  He thinks that because my uterus is fixed and the heartbeat looks great that everything will just continue perfectly. I know better. I read the stories of women who have suffered still births and second trimester missed miscarriages. 
• The 12 week scan.  Scares me to death.  What if something's wrong with the baby?

I don't mean this to be negative or pessimistic.  I am thrilled to be pregnant.  I just wish all of the above thoughts weren't always lurking in my head.  I have faith that God never gives us more than we can handle (as I've said before).  I also know that fear is NOT from God.  So I will continue to pray for peace and the banishment of fear.  Little Baby B is our little wiggle worm and I already love him.

How you know when you read too much

I've been reading Game of  Thrones.  Admittedly, I'm only through book 2 (of 7), but I got sidetracked by fluff literature (Spring Fever) and reading In The Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson for a book club. 

I've been having some crazy, whacked-out dreams lately. I attribute this partly to the blueberry growing inside of me and partly to the ice cream I consume every night before bed (oops).  If you know me in real life, you know how out-of-character that is for me.  Jillian Michaels would shake her head if she saw me, but since Baby B, she's been relegated to the back of the closet anyway, so she can't see anything.  Anyway, the other night, I had a dream that I was in a castle, like a summer camp. Of course, because that makes logical sense.  And then I gave birth to a dragon. 

Yes, a dragon.

They pulled it out and were like, oh, it's a dragon.  And that's it.  Of course hubs wasn't there, but Dan from Gossip Girl was so of course everything was ok.  Again, very logical that he would be there.  (side note, Blake Lively was in my dream the night before.  Maybe my GG marathon was not such a good idea)  I didn't hold the dragon; I have no idea what happened to it.  The rest of the dream involved flying carpets and my dog trying to catch a ball that was being thrown by an airplane. 

I'm laughing to myself right now. Actually, I'm laughing out loud because I'm alone in my office.  Writing this dream down makes it seem even crazier than it did in my head. I realize this post has no true significance, but I hope maybe someone smiles after reading it.  All my blog friends are going through such tough times right now; I guess maybe this is the least I can do to brighten people's spirits. 

So why did I mention Game of Thrones? Because in the book, Danyrs is the Mother of Dragons, and she wants to rule.  In my dream I said, "I gave birth to a dragon; they say that the Mother of Dragons should rule the world." Oh. my. 

Happy Tuesday! Now go put your dog on a flying carpet and see if he can catch a ball.  It's quite a feat.

Show some love

I have nothing interesting to blog about, really, unless you want to hear about my awesome new blow dryer. Probably not. I see you yawning already. 

However, one of my bffs, DD, is TTC (going on 7 months of charting/OPKs) and is making her first dr. appt today.  I'm sure she could use some positive thoughts and support.  Her post today will definitely resonate with all of us out there who've been through the "it will happen," "just relax," "we got pregnant by accident!" "let's post pee sticks on fbook." and for the record, I will not post a pee stick on fbook, nor will I subscribe to B.aby G.aga so that people can see what's going on in my uterus every day.  No offense to those of you who like doing these things; they are just not my cup of tea.  I just would like to keep the contents of my uterus to myself.

The one thing that could make me happier right now would be her being pregnant.  Since we've both been TTC, this has been something we've wanted--to share this experience together.  So drop her a note, from those of us who've been or are still in the trenches of doubt, uncertainty, fear, and frustration.