Wave of Light

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  Two years ago, (on Halloween), we conceived our first child.  I remember taking the positive test at 4 in the morning.  I remember the sheer excitement.  I remember a few weeks later, blood gushing out and calling my husband and our doctor frantically, hoping for the best but knowing in my heart that the worst was happening.

If you want, you can read Malachi's story here.  There's no way I can recount it again; the thought still brings tears to my eyes.

For 7 weeks, we loved our little Malachi.  I know now his purpose was to reveal my f-ed up uterus and ultimately, he did pave the way for Daniel to bless our lives.  But I still remember him.  I'm not sure if I'll ever forget my first baby.  And on this day, all women who have lost babies are in my prayers.

Realities

Happy 100th post to me! YAY! I seriously can't believe this is 100.  I never realized how wonderful and supportive this blog and community would be when I started.  I look forward to reading and commenting, and I feel as if I have made so many friends.

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So I couldn't think of a clever or non-depressing title for this post.  My heart is heavy this morning.  I learned last night that one of my friends/old co-workers has been diagnosed with blighted ovum.  Her D&C is this morning.  I had seen her on Friday night and she told me she was pregnant but her levels weren't matching her expected 6 weeks pregnant.  She had an ultrasound yesterday and sure enough, empty sac.  I'm just heartbroken for her.  She's 35 (so AMA) and she has a four year old, so they are trying for their second child.  Getting pregnant with her son was not easy, so she was shocked when they got pregnant this time after only 7 months.  I know there's nothing I can say or do that lessens the heartache of the situation.  I empathize so keenly with her.  Tears come to my eyes thinking/remembering what she's going through.

On the more upbeat side...my SIL is being induced tomorrow (Wed.) at 10pm!  We are hoping to have a niece early Thursday morning, 10-11-12.  What a cool date on which to be born! I am so excited for her and for the fact that she's doing all this before me and can fill me in on all the dirty details.  It's going to be so weird to see her NOT pregnant!

Placing these two things side by side--someone's loss against someone's pure joy--makes the reality of the miracle of life that much more poignant.  We know all too well how great of a miracle new life is.

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And Jenn's Writing Prompt for the day...If given the choice, how would you choose to die?

Peacefully in my sleep with my kids and my husband by my side. 

The Case of the Missing Baby

Post 2 today! Woohoo! I promised I'd write about a rather harrowing experience I had last Friday, so I'm sure you were all waiting, and here you go.

Last Friday morning, I was standing in chapel when I started to feel what I thought was the beginning of a UTI.  I tried to put the thought out of my head, considering I'd been for my 20 week check up on Tuesday and then back to hear the heartbeat on Thursday.  I didn't want to bother my doctor again.  But, as I stood there, the sharp pains started to increase. I went back to my office, called DH, called mom, and called Dr. N.  My nurse told me to come in and give a urine sample.  At this point, I was already nervous and upset. 

I work 5 minutes away from my Dr, so really, this was no big deal.  I went in, peed in a cup, and proceeded to be told that yes indeed, I had the beginnings of a UTI.  My wonderful nurse said she'd listen to Baby Boy's heartbeat as well.  As she pushed the doppler around my tummy, we heard nothing.  NOTHING. She changed the batteries.  Still nothing.  I could tell she was getting nervous because she was trying to distract me.  She sent immediately for Dr. N.  At this point, I knew I was going to miss my class.  I called work, filled the sub lady in on what was going on, and got my class covered. 

Dr. N. wheels in the ultrasound machine.  I'm eerily calm at this point (I didn't know that a whole room of people had gathered to pray for me, or that two of my fellow administrators were on their way to take care of me at this moment).  DH was walking with the dog, so I couldn't get a hold of him which was probably the worst part of all this.  Dr. N. told me that we wouldn't get a good picture on that particular ultrasound machine--I didn't care. I just wanted to see the heartbeat. 

Sure enough, heart looked perfect.  Dr. N. grabbed the doppler afterwards and found his heartbeat immediately, 150 bpm.  She said heart looks and sounds great.  Apparently, Baby Boy was just hiding.  Stubborn, just like his father.  He's already stressing me out and he's not even born yet!

Needless to say, I didn't return to work that day.  I met my office mates at the elevator downstairs and broke into tears.  DH finally called when I was walking back to my car; I broke into tears again.  I love this baby so much already and can't imagine anything happening to him.  The thought of it scares me to death.  He apologized for the scare with two big kicks Saturday morning, but he's been pretty quiet since then.  I'm trying not to read anything into this; it's still early and my stupid anterior placenta is making movement hard to feel. 

I wish I was one of those pregnant ladies who was just pregnant and didn't over analyze everything!  I'm sure I'll be going to the Dr to hear Baby Boy's heartbeat this week.  If the darn kid would just kick me, I would feel much better. Maybe  I should sing him a rendition of Britney Spears..."Kick Me Baby One More Time" anyone?

Hearts and Rainbows?

I haven't been very good at updating my blog lately.  I'm lacking inspiration right now, I think.  Things are progressing nicely with the pregnancy, but I still hesitate to write about it.  Why? Well...

• I have met some wonderful ladies through blogging, so many who are going through such hard times right now.  I don't want to be insensitive in writing about my happiness when so many others are suffering.
• I don't want to be all "rainbows and hearts" about things when I still remember so vividly what it's taken me to get here.  I am happy, but not the happy-go-lucky of many pregnant women who've never experienced loss.
• I'm still a Nervous Nelly.  We had our 8wk appointment today.  Everything looks good.  Dr. W. was very quick about it.  For this reason, I'm excited to go back to my OB doctor--she's a little more doting :).  Right after the appointment, I got on fbook.  One of my old acquaintances had just posted that she lost her baby at 16 wks due to a genetic abnormality.  I know that this is rare, but it still makes me think, makes me hesitant to be over-the-moon about the way things are progressing.  DH wonders why I'm still nervous.  He thinks that because my uterus is fixed and the heartbeat looks great that everything will just continue perfectly. I know better. I read the stories of women who have suffered still births and second trimester missed miscarriages. 
• The 12 week scan.  Scares me to death.  What if something's wrong with the baby?

I don't mean this to be negative or pessimistic.  I am thrilled to be pregnant.  I just wish all of the above thoughts weren't always lurking in my head.  I have faith that God never gives us more than we can handle (as I've said before).  I also know that fear is NOT from God.  So I will continue to pray for peace and the banishment of fear.  Little Baby B is our little wiggle worm and I already love him.

Show some love

I have nothing interesting to blog about, really, unless you want to hear about my awesome new blow dryer. Probably not. I see you yawning already. 

However, one of my bffs, DD, is TTC (going on 7 months of charting/OPKs) and is making her first dr. appt today.  I'm sure she could use some positive thoughts and support.  Her post today will definitely resonate with all of us out there who've been through the "it will happen," "just relax," "we got pregnant by accident!" "let's post pee sticks on fbook." and for the record, I will not post a pee stick on fbook, nor will I subscribe to B.aby G.aga so that people can see what's going on in my uterus every day.  No offense to those of you who like doing these things; they are just not my cup of tea.  I just would like to keep the contents of my uterus to myself.

The one thing that could make me happier right now would be her being pregnant.  Since we've both been TTC, this has been something we've wanted--to share this experience together.  So drop her a note, from those of us who've been or are still in the trenches of doubt, uncertainty, fear, and frustration.

Musings on 6 weeks, 4 days

I couldn't help but think about our little Malachi today, 6w4d into our new journey.  I miss him, even though he was only mine for 6w4d.  Despite how happy I was to see our Baby B today, I can't help but wonder what I would be feeling like right now, if Malachi hadn't grown his wings.  I believe that he was our messenger, our little angel whose passing meant that we found out my issues and were able to treat them.  But I still miss him. I wonder if I will ever stop missing him or remembering him.  I don't know if all the babies in the world can mend that little fissure in my heart that Malachi left, or maybe took with him, like Anne in Anne of Green Gables. 

Malachi is also the reason I am still cautiously optimisitc.  Even though Baby B looks great, little heart beating, I'm still cautiously guarding my heart.  DH asked if I would be calmer after today. Yes and no.  I'm not actively worrying about every little thing, but their is still a tug on my heart, maybe a little scar tissue from being hurt before.  When we're young, we jump into love with both feet.  We throw out "I love yous" like parade beads, and like thrown parade beads, we don't necessarily get anything in return.  And so we are heartbroken, and we move on.  We learn and though we still make mistakes in love, they're never as frivolous as the first mistakes we make.  And even when we find our mate, that scar tissue is still there, still a reminder.  Just like loss and new pregnancy. 

Every day is another day, and I am so happy to be on this new journey.  I welcome what the coming weeks bring.  I know I can't do anything to stop fate; I also have faith that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I will still be anxious before every appointment, especially the scans at 12 weeks, but I am happy. I am smiling.  And today, I heard the baby's heartbeat.  Today, I am pregnant.

Update to previous post...

We lost the house.  We now have to pursue matters legally because the contract was breached.

I'm not really comfortable sharing news about my betas on my blog right now.  I would appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, though :) For those of you I've been following and vice versa, you're welcome to email me at jmb(at)gmail(dot)com. 

Thank you to all my blog friends out there for your thoughts today. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

TGISM!

Thank goodness it's...a smiley face! Seriously, first true positive OPK I've had since...well since we conceived last October! To say I'm excited is a bit of an understatement. The smiley face has made my face smiley (ha, that's bad, punny, writing). 

We are still living with my in-laws, yes, and yes, I'm pretty sure they know my exact cycle day...DH and I have a hard time keeping anything secret (more him than me, I promise!).  But regardless, we are about to move into an extensive remodeling project in our new home, so we don't want to spend frivolous money on a hotel room for one night/one morning of brown-chicken-brown-cow--if you say that out loud fast enough, its sounds like bow-chica-bow-wow--thanks, dear co-workers for that phrase.

Heading into our last Friday of school, last day of high school for our seniors, there is a sense of completion to everything, a sense of relief, a collective sigh that means "finally, we've made it."  And here we are, seven months of difficulties behind us; maybe, just maybe, this sense of completion is for me, too. 

Again, RO, RT, rally your troops.  Give me a beautiful egg and a shot at my lifelong dream of being a mommy.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I will cry at senior chapel this morning. Darn you, "Pomp and Circumstance."

Hi, My name is J, and I'm a cry-a-holic

Many moons ago, (ok, only 4 years) when I  turned 25, something remarkable happened--I stopped being able to control my tears.  They just come. Folger's commercials, Hallmark commercials, Friends episodes, How I Met Your Mother episodes, and then of course the expected: weddings, graduations, baby showers, church, chapel on Friday with my students, Monday mornings. My tears are not judgemental; they treat every occasion equally.  DH can always tell when I've been crying because the tip of my nose turns bright red and my eyes an equally bright green.  When I was a little girl, crying because my baby sister had gotten hurt, my dad told me that his eyes did the same thing--because the white part gets so red, the green just stands out.  Somehow, this has always made crying seem prettier to me.

I don't watch much TV, but DH and I do enjoy The Voice on NBC.  Last night, one of the final contestants sang "You Raise Me Up." I cried, or more like, I wept. This song is so beautiful and Chris Mann's voice is unbelievable.  I hope I am strong enough to listen--truly listen--to the lyrics of this song because as we know, having faith can be quite a booger sometimes. 

Enjoy with a box of tissues :)

Dear J, Please practice what you preach. Thanks.

After talking to Dr. W. yesterday, I was disheartened.  I knew this was the cycle from hell, but I wasn't prepared for how hellish it was really going to be. le sigh. More waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Oh, and did I mention we're waiting to hear about our bids on two houses. Yes, waiting. imagine that.

As I was laying in bed last night, lamenting (ok, crying) to DH about how utterly frustrated I am, he (as always) was so logical. He said "we're definitely being tested right now," and I thought, yes, this is true. I just reflected and wrote a post about not being afraid, and there I was fearful about the future, fearful about waiting.  I was humbled. I say that I will try not to fear and yet, just later that day, I fear. Like Peter denying Christ three times after he swore he wouldn't do it.  So we are being tested, in our lives and in our faith, because saying we are faithful is much easier than believing in that faith.

I am trying not to fear the waiting game--having DH by my side makes this a little easier :)

Do Not Be Afraid

Hi y'all! I hope that there are some of you still out there reading my blog, despite my hiatus. So, since last post I have: been matron of honor in one of my bestie's weddings, packed and moved all of our belongings, moved in with the in-laws, started the cycle from hell, been accepted to grad school(!!).  PHEW. I am ready for a vacation, which DH says I tell him every day.  The past few weeks truly have been a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm FINALLY done with the hormones, and even though my cycle is royally screwed up as a result, I feel like myself again.  DH said I smiled all day yesterday; guess I was not the most pleasant person to be around when I was pumped with hormones like a non-organic chicken.

This post is a little past due, but I've been wanting to write about our Easter sermon at church.  DH and I have been "church hunting" lately, but we attended Easter service at our church home and LOVED it.  I think we may return home after all.  The title of the sermon was "Do Not Be Afraid," the first words Jesus spoke after He was risen, according to the Gospel of Matthew).  This message resonated with me for so many reasons.  I've had more than enough reasons to be afraid in the past 4 months, starting with the ill-fated visit to the emergency room in December.  Sitting here now, there are still things I'm afraid of--not getting any positive OPKs this month, taking a pregnancy test and it coming back negative, losing another baby--and for me, it's so easy to be overwhelmed by these fears that I fail to live in faith and appreciate what I have now.  I have two loving families. I have a wonderful, caring, devoted husband who wants a baby just as bad as I do. I have a job that has allowed me the time off I've needed. Do Not Be Afraid.

I know that I can't control when the stork finally finds my address or (more realistically) when my right ovary will decide to produce an egg.  Being afraid of this isn't logical; fear doesn't make things happen.  As I've mentioned before, I'm not perfect, and I know my faith and my strength will falter, but I am going to try to heed Christ's words: Do Not Be Afraid.

Now I just need someone to stamp this on my box of OPKs and new box of cheapo pregnancy tests....