A Square Peg in a Round Hole

I read a post yesterday about blogging inspiration, about how sometimes a post forms itself in your mind for days before you actually write it.  I believe this is very true.  Sometimes I post out of obligation or out of excitement (see yesterday), but these aren't necessarily posts that resonate with me.  Sometimes I feel as if these posts characterize me as the silly girl who thinks she has a tough situation and is really just overreacting.  Sometimes I just feel like I don't quite fit. 

I realize that I'm not technically "infertile." One miscarriage, no IUIs, no IVF.  Despite my septate uterus (now fixed, thank goodness) and my non-functioning left tube, I'm fairly reproductively normal.  We don't know how long it will take us to conceive naturally because I only have one tube, but we have been cleared to try naturally for a few months.  With this being said, there are times when I feel vaguely like an imposter, someone who grieves but doesn't deserve to grieve with other women who have been through tougher times. 

For this reason, I have been hesitating to write about Mother's Day.  This post has been rolling around in my brain, up one side, down the other, picking up speed and then losing it again as I've tried to formulate my thoughts and my feelings.  I love Mother's Day because I believe both my mom and my mother-in-law are two of the most amazing women in the world.  I would never, ever miss an opportunity to celebrate either of them. However, Sunday was hard for me, harder than I expected.  I kept thinking, I should be 30 weeks pregnant, I should be celebrating my first mother's day, I shouldn't be sad or depressed on this day.  But I was. More than this, I felt like my feelings didn't quite fit.  I feel like I'm expected to be over this, to not mourn any more.  So why do I still feel this way? Yes, I feel this way much less than I used to. Heck, I'm pretty happy these days.  How do I explain this to others? That yes, I'm a happy girl with many wonderful things happening, but I have waves of sadness, waves of jealousy towards the pregnancies of others. I can't force people to understand me. Most of the time, I avoid talking about it to anyone because I just think they'll say "it will happen," "give it time," "just stop worrying." Where do I find a place to fit? Honestly, it's here.

The women I've "met" in the blogging world have in turn inspired me, supported me, and made me feel sane when I feel anything but.  I regularly update DH on these women.  He nods, asks questions, sympathizes like a good boy.  I'm pretty sure he wonders if I ever get any work done as I read blogs a lot (if you work with me and you're reading this, I promise I work really, really hard!)

Back to Mother's Day...I spent that day with my mom and grandma, hanging out by the pool with my sister, my dad, and DH, and then with my MIL, over a wonderful dinner with all of her children and children-in-law. It was a beautiful day, and I believe that a friend's blog post sums it up.  She has PCOS, and after two years and a miscarriage, she was blessed with a beautiful daughter, thanks to IUI.  She wrote a Mother's Day post titled,"It's Mother's Day and I'm Somebody's Mother." I  For those of us wanting a baby so badly, I believe those are the words we yearn to say.  The simple, pure, beautiful truth of being a mom.