New Beginnings




Beginning to open, a promise of more beauty to come
(Picture my own)

  My dear blog friend (or at least I'd like to think she's my friend and if I ever move overseas I WILL meet her) Em is doing a September photo challenge.  Well, I know that it's not quite September yet, but I will be very busy tomorrow and wanted to get a head start.  Her first challenge was "new beginnings."  This characterizes my life right now.  Beginning grad school.  Beginning to build a family. Beginning the school year. Beginning my 29th year. That's a lot of beginnings.  Hopefully they are all the beginning of something as beautiful as this rose.

And tonight they will sing happy birthday, happy birthday to me

Today I am 29.  I broke out the sparkly eye shadow this morning in celebration. Though my eyes may be celebrating, my heart is struggling to follow suit. I'm sure this is partially because DH is overseas and not here to celebrate with me. 

The title of my post is from a Sandra Cisneros short story, "Eleven." I'd link it here but it's copyrighted and I don't think you can find it on the Internet.  Too bad because it's a great story.  In the story, the little girl is turning eleven and she has a horrible day at school where she feels like she is 3, and then 5, and then 7 in turn, but she never feels like she is eleven.  I've been thinking about this story a lot lately, how we are never just one age but a conglomeration of all of our ages.  So today, I am 29, but I am also 28 and 24 and 23 and 21 and 19 and all ages in between.  My 29 self wouldn't be who she is if it weren't for my 28th year, or my 23rd year when I got married.  When we're little, we dream of being 10, 18, or 21, old enough to make decisions and live on our own.  Those years fly by so quickly that we get to a certain age and tend to forget those feelings, forget what makes us who we are now.  My favorite heroine, Anne Shirley says that 20 sounds old and provincial.  What about 30?

My family has a birthday cake-cutting tradition.  The person whose birthday it is puts the knife, sharp side up, in the cake to cut the first slice, and then the person whose birthday is next gets to pull out the knife.  Both people get to make wishes.  For the past two years, I've wished for a baby.  And now, my wish has come true.  Maybe tonight I will wish that all of the women I've "met" here over the past six months will get their babies too. 

I'm not sure I like the sound of 29.  I know this year holds so many wonderful things in store for me, but I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 29.  I'm starting my masters degree, not finishing it. I'm pregnant with baby 1, not holding two little ones in my arms.  I don't know where my career is going, and I'm ok with that.  But today, I am also 20, with the whole wide world ahead of me and feeling just a little overwhelmed.

As DH sends me birthday wishes from Finland and I prepare for my work day, a visit to DPS to renew my license and a dr. visit to hear Baby B's heartbeat, I will try to embrace 29, and all the years before it.  Until we've made peace with the years that have brought us here, can we embrace a new age? I am 29.

**On a completely separate note, DH's cousin/one of his best friends got ENGAGED this weekend to a LOVELY girl! We love her and can't wait to welcome her to the family. Congrats Melanee and Erik!**

14 Weeks

Hi blog friends.  It's been a while.  I actually have some interesting ideas (outside of baby) to write about, but I am just so swamped that I haven't even had a second to write them down.  So here's what's new...

• Switched to online master's program after finding out I can't change back and forth from in person to online once baby is born. I am upset by this as I love being in a classroom and learning, but at least the course work is the same so I won't be at any disadvantage upon completing my degree.
• Living at my parent's house. We are still homeless.
• Catering to a staff of 70 teachers needing books and help with lesson plans
• Weeping because DH is in Finland for business (I wouldn't usually weep over a two week business trip, but oh the hormones...)

And here's what's new with Baby B...

FOURTEEN Weeks... (thanks mom for the editing note! I was 11 weeks 3 weeks ago!)

Size of Baby: a large lemon (3.5 inches)

Total Weight Loss/Gain: don't laugh...10 pounds already!

Maternity Clothes: well the bump is officially here, so I'm sticking to dresses and tank tops.  Pants are either maternity or held up with a belly band, both of which are SO HOT when worn in 90+ degree weather

Gender: hoping to find out next week!

What I miss: hubs right now! But I am still missing the nightly glass of wine

Cravings: pasta

Symptoms: still exhausted, minor cramps here and there

Best Moment of the Week: hearing baby's heartbeat on the doppler

Next appointment: Aug. 28 (my birthday :) )

In other news: my dog seems to have a cold. Runny nose, gloppy eyes and the sneezes.  I don't want to take her to the vet but they won't give me meds unless they see her. I'm trying not to overreact about a little cold, but what if it doesn't go away?

In other news, part 2: there is this wonderful thing I want to shout from the rooftops but I'm not allowed to yet!! SQUEE!!!! It's so great :) just wait for it! And no, we do not have a house and nor do we know the gender yet...so keep guessing!

Somewhere in the vicinity of the second trimester

Books are contradictory.  Today, I am 13 weeks. Does that mean I'm in the second trimester, or do I have to wait 3 more days, or one more week? Who knows.  I'm thankful to have made it this far.  13 weeks.  Wow.  Just wow. (side note: I hate the number 13.  Do you know there's no row 13 on airplanes? Or gate 13? interesting, huh?)

After my minor freak out/doctor reassurance visit on Monday, I've been a good girl.  No unnecessary worrying, no frantic calls to the nurse, no over analyzing symptoms.  I actually feel--GASP--fairly normal!  This scares me to some extent, but I think that's fairly common as one approaches the Second Tri.  I am EXHAUSTED at night; I thought this had gotten better but now it seems to have returned full swing.  After some serious growing pains Saturday and Sunday, I have a belly.  It's a pretty obvious belly.  When I wear my belly band, it's like HELLO prego belly.  Of course I start to think, is this too early? Do other people show this early, or maybe I was thin? (did I say I wasn't analyzing symptoms? Come on, you know me better than that!)  My workmates are just so sweet about everything.  I grew up in the school at which I now work, so I have a family here. 

Despite varying opinions, DH and I decided to announce on Fbook.  I know that there are a lot of people who will poo-poo this, but I wanted to do it.  I want to be happy and try to get over my anxiety and this was one step in doing so.  I'll post the pic below.  This does NOT mean my anxiety has gone away.  The thought of jinxing baby by announcing at 12 weeks definitely crossed my mind.  I thought that when I bought maternity clothes too.  So far, no jinxing.

I don't see Baby B for another 2 and a half weeks.  This makes me nervous.  That's a long time to just believe everything is ok.  I can't feel baby yet and as I'm feeling way more like myself, there's not a lot to remind me that baby is there.  I wonder if I will cave and go to Dr. N. just to hear a heartbeat...I promised DH I would wait and not be "That Obsessive Girl," but that's easier said than done.  I'm sure I'll petition my SIL to use her doppler, though not finding the heartbeat on an at home doppler because baby is small freaks me out too.  I'm hoping I'll be so busy with work, etc that the next 2 weeks will fly by.  Ironically, that means I'm wishing for my 29th birthday to get her just as quickly, since that's the day of my appointment.  (cue horrible thought of getting bad news on my birthday while DH is overseas).

So there's all my crazy for 13 weeks, but despite my crazy, I am in love with this peach-sized baby.  I think I'm finally letting myself bond.  And I'm really glad the baby's body is now growing to match its over-sized head.

Silly, I know. Turned out dark here, sorry.

The Cat That Walked By Herself

Hi y'all! I'm very behind in posting, though I've been trying to keep up with my commenting.  I have SO MUCH to share but I'll start with my title.

A few months ago, I read a fictional trilogy about the Kinsella sisters.  In the third book, the main character, Cat, refers to herself as the cat that walked by herself, taken from Rudyard Kipling's short story, "The Cat that Walked by Himself."  I came across this title a few days ago and on my drive home from work yesterday, I started reflecting on it again.  I am that cat. 

I have always been an independent girl, probably for a couple of reasons. One, it's easier to depend on yourself than other people and at least you only let yourself down instead of other people.  Two, I've always been overly concerned with what people think about me, and acting independently allowed me to create a shield around myself.  As I have gotten older, I've gotten more independent.  I do not rely on others to do anything I can do myself; in fact, I probably do more work because I don't want to rely on others.  DH and I make our decisions between just the two of us.  We may talk to others, but at the end of the day, we take responsibility for everything and do not bother others with our decisions, whether those decisions end in positive or negative ways. 

When we lost Malachi, I didn't tell anyone at work.  I told everyone I was sick.  No one understood my grief, so I tried to grieve alone and put on a happy face in front of everyone else.  When my SIL got pregnant, I felt the same way.  I dealt with my issues at home, alone.  I cried to myself, but in front of others, I was the happy aunt-to-be.  My answer always seems to be "I'll deal with it.  I'm fine." 
On Saturday and Sunday, I started having terrible pains in my groin, way low down (away from where I assume the baby is).  My back was also hurting which scared me because that's what I felt in Nov/Dec with my first ill-fated pregnancy.  I was terrified that something had happened to Baby B.  But I was alone in this.  Everyone just says the baby is fine! it's fine! it's normal! you'll be fine! Words and phrases you cannot say to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.  So finally, I called my friend who experienced loss and then a healthy pregnancy.  Then I was able to relax at least a little.  I was NOT alone.  I did go to Dr. N. the next day and everything was fine, but for those two days, I was not independent.  I was dependent on someone to tell me that my baby was fine. 

It seems weird that I have this baby who is completely and totally dependent on me and I can't do anything for it.  I, in turn, have to be completely dependent on my doctors to take care of me.  I guess I'm not as independent as I thought. 

August already?

I can't believe it's August already.  While days felt like they were creeping by at the beginning of the year, August still seems to have made her appearance remarkably quick.  This month is always crazy for me.  Being in administration at my school now brings a whole new view of August--needy teachers.  I won't expand on that; one truly has to be in education to understand the world of teachers, textbooks, and the first day of school. 

I also turn 29 this month.  29.  Gateway to 30.  28 was my golden birthday (Mrs. Green Grass has a great post about golden birthdays here).  I thought 28 would be perfect. I thought I'd be pregnant on my 28th birthday (ha). I thought if not on my birthday, then soon after, at my brother's wedding (ha. ha).  Instead, 28 served me a big helping of WTF.  I thought I could plan out my life. God knew otherwise.  28 ended up being the hardest, most broken year of my life.  But, I can look back and see where I've come from and who I've become. I'm more empathetic.  My relationship with my husband has never been better.  And hey, my uterus is now pretty darn perfect.  So, 28...thank you for the lessons you've taught me (and my uterus), though I'd rather have learned those lessons without so much heartache and so many surgeries.

29 will be a good year, hopefully a great one.  I can't believe I'm one year away from 30.  Next year, the year of 30th birthdays. Oh. my.

And I'll leave you with a pic of my CRAZY August schedule, house moving not included.  And since I started this post, one of those blank days already got filled up!