A Retraction of Sorts

Last Friday, I posted and subsequently un-posted about working moms.  I had been wanting to write a post about working moms for a while, but I just couldn't find the words.  After writing and publishing last Friday, I realized that I still hadn't found the right words.  I wasn't ashamed of what I'd written, but I realized that it wasn't what I wanted to say.

My best, dearest friend, who is a SAHM, texted me regarding the post, and that's what made me think. We started talking back and forth and I realized something: SAHM, working mom, it doesn't matter.  We feel the need to defend what we do, be it working or staying home.  And as my conversation with her went on, I came to that conclusion.  There is no rank or betterness to one way or the other, yet because of the judgement and strong opinions of others, we always feel the need to defend what we do.  When I stayed home with D before going back to work, Sparky would come home and I'd give him a laundry list of what I did around the house that day.  He didn't ask, but I felt the need to PROVE that I had done something, defend my staying at home.

I realize that some of my defensiveness is part of my personality.  Because I constantly feel the need to be the best at everything and feel that everyone is looking to me to be the best, I get defensive when I feel that I may not be doing something exactly right.  I guess, in this case, the "not doing something exactly right" would be staying home with my son.  And who's "right" is that?  I'm not sure it's mine, or D's, or Sparky's.

Stirrup Queens wrote a post this week about everything being "too loud." I could not agree more.  While I love Pinterest and Instagram and Facebook, for women like me who want to be everything to everyone, they are belittling reminders of what I'm not.  I love my Christmas decor until I see what so-and-so made out of empty bottles and epsom salt.  I'm happy with my crockpot dinners until so-and-so reveals that she's eating clean and shopping only organic (with a picture at a farmer's market).  I think D's nursery/outfit/younameit is perfect until so-and-so's son is wearing a personalized Christmas outfit sewn by Coco Chanel herself.  You get the point.  It's not greed or jealousy that I feel, but a feeling that makes me want to crawl back into bed, yet I know that I shouldn't be in bed, I should be crafting a nativity out of popsicle sticks and cotton balls.   I thought that turning 30 meant I wouldn't care what people thought about me; turns out, turning 30 just means that now I care what people think about my son, too.  (if you know me in real life, you're not surprised that I don't let D wear the same thing to school, ever).  I'm not sure men feel this kind of pressure, at least I know Sparky doesn't. Is this just my personality, or do others feel this too?

How do we turn down the volume?

Being a mom--no matter what kind--is hard stuff. Like, the hardest thing I've done in my life.  We all have our little shoulder devils that whisper in our ears and tell us we're not good enough because of (fill in the blank...).  We all feel the need to justify or defend ourselves.  If we stopped looking to other people's "rights" and just found our own, maybe this shoulder devil would go away, or at least become a quiet whisper, not a roaring growl.

Weaning by the numbers

Little D is 9 months today. NINE MONTHS! He is crazy, crawling boy and thinks he can walk, though he cannot.  I told myself that I would breastfeed until he was 9 months, and now that it's here, I'm walking a fine line between weaning and not weaning.

As of last week, I have stopped pumping at work.  As of today, I have no more frozen breastmilk in my freezer. Sad day.  All that means is that I nurse D 3 times a day (AM, 4:00pm, night time) and then he gets 2 bottles when he's at school.  He's boycotting the bottle right now, but that's a post for another time, along with my (his?) food woes.  After our baby-less trip last weekend--4 days away total--I was afraid that my milk was just gone. I could barely pump 2 ounces and I was sad, because even if I weaned D during the day, I at least wanted to nurse him in the morning and before bed.  But as soon as we got home and I started nursing again, my body stepped up and met his needs. Pretty awesome.

Breastfeeding this long is one of my greatest accomplishments, and I think I've done a lot of pretty good things in my life.  We struggled; at 3 weeks I wanted to throw out the boob and in the bottle, but we persevered.  I am so proud of myself, and if you know me at all, you know it takes a lot for me to give myself kuddos or a pat on the boob for anything.  My goal is to nurse him, at least AM and PM, until he turns 1, or until there's a baby #2 that may make nursing him impossible.  While I do miss being able to feed him five times a day on the weekend, I do NOT miss the close, personal relationship with my pump.

I bid a fond farewell to the whiny pump noise...and as a parting gift, here are some numbers...

• 80--days I pumped at work (since August only)
• 4800--minutes I spent pumping at work (since August only)
• 120--disposable pump wipes I used
• 3--boxes of breastmilk storage bags now gone
• 160--ounces of milk I once had in my freezer
• 2--ounces of milk I ended up pumping once D started eating more solids
• 6--bottles of Fenugreek I've gone through since February
• 8--times D has bitten me since he's gotten teeth (a relatively low number considering he's had teeth for a while now)
• 4--ounces of milk/formula D is drinking at each feeding, when he decides he wants the bottle
• 4--airport bathrooms in different cities in which I have pumped
• 3--states I have pumped in 
• 2--times I've had to take out multiple bags of breastmilk to go through TSA security
• 1--time I was asked "ma'am, what is in that bag" referring to my pump
• 1--wedding dinner I've had to leave to pump 
• 0--number of times I regret schlepping my pump EVERYWHERE 

A post I've been writing in my head for some time about working moms v. SAHMs is imminent, once I get the clarity of mind to write all of the thoughts down that are crammed in my head. 

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Are we here again already?

2 posts in one day...wow.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday.  Not that we were trying last month, but I thought maybe, just maybe, Right Ovary had been her overachieving self and we would get lucky pregnant and then I could say, "and we weren't even trying!" as I rub my large belly and smirk disdainfully at those who saying having a baby is easy and, "just relax."

Ha.
Ha.

That damn pee stick was as white as white could be.  Almost like it was laughing in my face.  Looking at pee sticks now is quite different than it was when we first started trying. Now I'm either juggling a baby on my hip or preventing said baby from falling on his face while pulling himself up on my bathroom stool as I squint and re-arrange and hold the pee stick into the light.  (hey--you know you do this too...if I look just right will I see the beginning of a pink line?).  And I think that baby makes the stark white pee stick bearable, at least for now.  That little bundle of crawling, screeching, talking, drooling craziness is what keeps me sane but also what makes me yearn to be pregnant again.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my BFF (she has a 6 mo daughter).  I was telling her that I was logically ready for #2--I'm 30, I'm ready to not be pregnant forever, my career is at a point where I could stay home--but that I wasn't emotionally ready.  Then something clicked last week: I'm ready.  In my heart, I know that I could give #2 the love it deserves and still love D more and more every day.

The other night I had a dream THREE TIMES that I was pregnant.  Then Sparky emailed me and told me he had been doing some thinking and was ready to grow our family.  THEN a girl who had borrowed my maternity dresses brought them back to me at work.  This is all in the same day people! I mean, it was like a veritable burning bush of signs.

So, I guess we are officially trying.  But with the cheap OPKs, not the really good Mercedes of OPKs, yet. For some reason the cheap tests take the pressure off so seeing a white prego pee stick doesn't hurt quite as much.  I seem to be ovulating, though with only one tube, I know our monthly chances aren't as good as they could be.  I'm nervous, excited, ready, and not ready all at the same time.  True to form, I've already picked out a new pregnancy announcement.  I love focusing on things like that; I think it's just a coping mechanism I have.

One of my hs BFFs is pregnant with her third, and BFF with the 6 mo is also ready to be prego again, and my wonderful SIL (with the 1 year old) told me today that she and BIL are ready to give my neice a sibling as well.  So maybe 2014 will bring a baby boom.

Right now, I feel calm about all of this. Give me two months of stark white pee sticks and I may need some X.anax.

D's first Halloween!

My niece's nickname is Tinkerbell...so that inspired me to dress D as Peter Pan for Halloween.  That, and the fact that Sparky's nickname has always been Peter Pan, the boy who never wants to grow up :)

Trying to get D to smile is almost as difficult as changing his diaper or his clothes.  He's a very contemplative boy (lol)

Peter Pan, mom and dad, and a whole lotta teething drool

no, those leaves are NOT growing out of his head or a part of his costume

E trying to steal D's candy already

"What, you're telling us we can't eat this stuff? What's the point then?!"
(we had some sleepy cousins at this point)

Wave of Light

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  Two years ago, (on Halloween), we conceived our first child.  I remember taking the positive test at 4 in the morning.  I remember the sheer excitement.  I remember a few weeks later, blood gushing out and calling my husband and our doctor frantically, hoping for the best but knowing in my heart that the worst was happening.

If you want, you can read Malachi's story here.  There's no way I can recount it again; the thought still brings tears to my eyes.

For 7 weeks, we loved our little Malachi.  I know now his purpose was to reveal my f-ed up uterus and ultimately, he did pave the way for Daniel to bless our lives.  But I still remember him.  I'm not sure if I'll ever forget my first baby.  And on this day, all women who have lost babies are in my prayers.

A Day In the Life...

I just read a wonderful post from Our Griswold about her life as a working momma of twins.  I don't want to link it because I can't remember if she's private or not!  So I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on my life as a working momma.  When I'm old and senile, I want to remember what it was like to be young and feel like you could take on the world :)

I start the day around 4:45 am. I roll groaningly jump out of bed with the first sound of my alarm.  Sparks continues to be amazed--even after 6 years of marriage--that I have never "snoozed" in my life.  I mentioned the other day that I don't even know how to snooze on the iPhone.  Shower, wash hair (well, every other day) and I mention washing hair because washing, prepping, and drying crazy curly hair (c-c-c-curly!) is a task in and of itself.  5:15, coffee pot beeps, big cup of coffee, get ready.  In kitchen by 5:55. Put away clean dishes, do a load of laundry and/or unload dishwasher, shove a bowl of oatmeal down my throat, feed dog, give dog medicine.

At 6:25, I'm upstairs in D's nursery, singing him the "rise and shine" song and waking up my lil muffin.  I HATE waking him up :( the only thing that makes it better is the huge smile I get when he rolls over.  Get D dressed, nurse D, get myself dressed, wash D's face (you would think I was killing him when I wash his face). Put D in carseat, take D out of carseat to change poopy diaper.  seriously, it's like carseat = poop time!  Get bottles/D's lunch out of fridge, pack D's bag, give puppy her treat, pack car, pack D. Out the door by 6:55.

Drop D off at "school," talk to D's teacher about how crazy I am that I packed him a tiny little container of applesauce as his treat for eating his carrots/corn/potatoes (freshly made, of course), give D a kiss, off to work.

Work, pump, work, pump, work, 7:30-2.  Pick D up (yay! I love this part! He holds his hands up to me and smiles!).  D nap, 2:30-3:30, on a good day.  During this time, I run around like a crazy woman washing bottles, washing pump parts, washing tupperware.  I make D's bottles and lunch for the next day, make my lunch, make coffee, and usually get maybe a load of laundry in or a batch of baby food made or dinner prepped before nap time is over.  I devote 3:30-bedtime to playing with D.  Hopefully with the cooler weather coming I'll be able to start running again, with D of course. That's the one thing I've given up to make life work, and I miss it like crazy. Sparky gets home around 5:45 and I usually hand D over to him for daddy play or swim time, before and after D's dinner.

6:00--dinner time for D (chicken, veggie, fruit for dessert), followed by 15 minutes of Baby First TV (love this channel).  During that 15 minutes, Sparks sits with D and I clean up the kitchen and do some dinner prep.  6:45, bath time, book, boob, bed. And I'm downstairs by 7:20.  Cook dinner (or Sparks cooks), eat dinner, do grad school work or grade papers until bedtime at 10, or whenever I pass out on the couch.  And then we're up at 4:45 to start all over again.  Thank goodness D sleeps from 7:20-6:20 or I don't know how I'd get anything done.  I KNOW I am sooo blessed to have that.

This weekend, I'm leaving D for the first time! My future cousin-in-law's bachelorette party is in DC this weekend, and I'm going.  I'm still going strong with the breastfeeding, so my trusty pump will make its way there with me and hopefully I won't notice too much difference in my supply when I get home if I skip a pumping or two.  My goal is to EBF until early November and then wean D to just a morning/night feeding. Our cousin's wedding is in November and we'll be away from baby for 4 days and it's not logical that I can pump every feeding during that 4 days.  I LOVE bf'ing and I'll be sad to wean D, but I know that if we do truly want to start TTC again, I should at least start weaning him.  More on that another time :)

And of course, no post is complete without a picture of my almost-crawler.

You can't really tell, but his cold was in full swing in this picture

Well hello 30, you're looking good today

And I'm 30.  Officially out of my 20s.  Officially was a sophomore in high school when my students (this year) were born. O.M.G. My bestie keeps telling me 30 is sexy, and today, I feel sexy.  I feel amazing, confident, and comfortable in my own skin, even post-baby.  I'm still the self-conscious, what-are-people-thinking-about-me twenty year old underneath, but that girl's voice gets weaker and weaker with each passing year.  So, in honor of 30, and taking a page from Cassie's book, here's 30 by the numbers...

21--students I have this year
2--times I've been in love
1--men I've wanted to spend my entire life with
over 200--times I think about my  baby when I'm at work
12--ounces I have to pump each day at work to feed baby the next day
6--babies in D's class
16--ounces of coffee I've consumed today
4--courses until I have my master's degree
80--score I have to make on my practice principal exam before I'm released to take the real exam
4--girl friends I consider my best friends
1--friend who lives in California and who I miss every.single.day
4--sisters/sister-in-laws I have and adore
1000--photos taken of Daniel at his 6 month photo shoot
5--students I'm friends with on Facebook
5--probably the number of students that remember me as a teacher
700--approximate students I've taught in my career
7.5--age of my oldest "child," our dog Callie
10--low estimate of the number of times I talk to my mom at work
8.25--ounces I just pumped
1.5--years I've blogged
565--comments on my blog
52--times I've taken off my clothes in my office at work to feed baby or to pump
7--people coming to my house tonight for my birthday dinner
11--hours D slept last night
30--minutes D's naps last these days
1--days I've worked out in the past two weeks (UGH--worst part of my busy schedule)
895--photos on my iPhone
at least 500--photos of D on my iPhone
2--hours my next meeting will last
6--bottles I wash every day after work/daycare
45--minutes I spend in the kitchen washing bottles and prepping for the next day
bazillion--books in the bookroom of which I'm in charge at work
10+--times I've read and loved Little Women
10+--times I've read and loved Anne of Green Gables books
0--movies I've seen in the past six months
6--months my life has been changed by being a mom
infinity and beyond--amount I love my son (and my hubs)
2000+--paper streamers that decorated the floor for my birthday this morning
20--pink balloons in the kitchen
17--emails I've sent today

And finally-- 30 -- the number of years I am today.

A new obsession

Thanks to Bebe Suisse's suggestion of a new browser, Google Chrome and I are back to blogging!  Now if my mommy brain can only remember everything I've wanted to post about...first on the agenda (or the only thing I can remember right now) is our search for the "perfect daycare."

Three years ago, I resigned my awesome leadership/teaching position at Big 5A High School.  I took a significant pay cut and a new administrative position at Small Private School.  I attended SPS for years and I always felt that I would serve there in some way, so when I was presented with the opportunity and Sparky and I could afford it financially, I took it.  Upon taking the job, we were expecting SPS to offer infant care and this was a HUGE incentive to accept the pay cut.  We didn't want to put our future child in daycare, so having him with me at work was going to be pretty awesome.

Fast forward through a miscarriage, three surgeries, and one baby later, and we're now in May 2013.  SPS can't offer infant care due to fire code restrictions and the cost of getting everything up to code.  I begin a frantic search for care to start in August.  SPS let me have D at work with me all summer--amazing.  I looked into home care nannies, learning centers, day cares, and a nanny who would come to our house.  The one uniting factor: baby care = freakin' expensive.  I've read about other moms who reserved spots in daycare as soon as they found out they were expecting, but I never thought we'd need daycare.  Thank goodness my city has numerous excellent opportunities and only one place I called was not accepting applications.

As with anything, I'm nothing if not thorough.  I got on care.com (great site, totally worth it) and put out an ad for nannies.  I created a list of questions and carefully narrowed down my nanny responses and asked two for interviews.  The young lady I interviewed was phenomenal, until I realized that she would cost us a fortune every month.  Sparks and I tried to reconcile our finances to include her fees, but we just couldn't do it. So, I talked to everyone.  I got names, numbers, day care info, and just visited (with D) many different places. I was exhausted physically and mentally.  I had one more place to go and honestly, I didn't want to.  But my mom, in her infinite wisdom, told me to do my due diligence and just check it out.

Off I went, without D this time, to the last learning center.  I fell in love.  The infant room was bright and airy.  The atmosphere was warm and caring and CLEAN.  The teacher had just got done "bubble dancing" with one of the babies as the other two slept, though she informed me the others would get to play with bubbles when they got up, because she doesn't like any babies not to get to have fun.  I knew right there that this was the place for D.  They stay under the legal limit of babies to caregivers, there's in room monitoring I can see, and she tirelessly logs D's every moves into my new obsession: baby connect.  It's an app/website that she shares with me so I can see when he has a diaper change, eats, naps, etc.  We exchange messages this way too.

D checked out "school" for two hours and did great, so last Monday, he started going 7:15-2:15.  (my modified work hours are 7:30-2).  I cannot rave about his experience enough.  His teacher texts me pictures throughout the day and he is zonked when I pick him up.  He is napping well and eating well and just thriving.  I like that he's learning to play with other babies, and his teacher works with the babies on different skills all day.  He's learning to hold his bottle right now, and all the babies are learning sign language.

It still hurts dropping him off every day and I can't wait to see him at 2:15, but I know he's in great hands. Of course, I'm obsessed with the in-room camera and baby connect.

Learning to "read" at daycare :) and oh yeah, we sit up now!

I'm alive

Blogger won't work on my computer so I haven't posted lately. I hate posting from my phone. Thinking of moving to word press. Updates coming soon! 

Post-Baby Bump...

As mentioned in my post the other day, I'm a lover of all things Kate and Wills, including little Prince George.  As I was catching up on my celebrity gossip, I saw this article about Kate's "post-baby" body and was just appalled that people were already discussing this, as if this girl doesn't have enough on her mind (oh, I don't know a newborn, millions of people watching her, just a typical day).  I honestly have wanted to write about this for a while but this was the impetus I needed, simply because the front page of that magazine was so appalling.  For those of you who saw Kate after Prince George's birth--and let's face it, unless you've been living under a rock, you've seen the photos--she flaunted her post-baby bump in a gorgeous dress. She looked so beautiful.  Finally, a celebrity who doesn't hide from the public for five months and then suddenly reappear looking flawless with a completely flat tummy.  (hello, Kim Kardashian--does anyone DOUBT this is why she hasn't been in the news lately?!)

Here's my story....I've always struggled with my weight.  In second grade, I had to go on a diet because I was pretty much a human garbage disposal.  Once I started playing soccer, I lost all that weight and maintained until college when I studied for a semester in Europe (and gained 35 pounds...studying gelato and pastries is hard work).  Since then, I've been on a roller coaster: I lost a lot of weight quickly on South Beach before my wedding, but gained that back.  I never really dieted again until 2011 when I was at my heaviest, so my BFF and I did weight watchers and I discovered Jillian Michaels' workout videos.  I was finally in great shape and so happy...then I got pregnant, miscarried, and began all of my surgeries and hormones.  It was hard to keep in shape during that time, and when I got pregnant with D, I was on uber hormones.  I also only wanted fast food tacos for the first trimester, and the thought of a vegetable that wasn't served in between tortillas grossed me out...so by 13 weeks, I had already gained 12+ pounds.  At the end of my pregnancy, I was up 40+ pounds, and only now--five months after D's birth--am I back to my pre-pregnancy weight. This is not to brag, nor is it glorious. Things have shifted around, I don't have the time or the energy to work out and tone back up, and it's a struggle every day to eat well in the minimal amount of time that I have to eat. 

Magazines are quick to flaunt the wonders of celebrities who lose their baby weight immediately and then look gorgeous on the red carpet, so when we "mere mortal women" have our babies, there's this sense of pressure to lose the weight NOW.  God forbid we wear something form-fitting and display our post-baby bump; bravo Duchess, bravo!!  Here's what people don't tell you about losing the post-baby weight.

It's HARD. You have to sleep and consume enough calories to keep up your supply to breastfeed.  When the baby sleeps, you rarely have enough time to nap or put the dishes away, much less pull out a workout video, work out, and then shower before baby wakes up.  Those nice healthy meals you're supposed to eat get harder and harder to make with a baby on your hip or screaming in a swing.  And most women can't even exercise until 6 weeks after baby is born.  This is reality.  Reality is NOT having a personal trainer, a nutritionist, and several nannies to watch the baby while you work out five times a day and have healthy meals delivered to you. 

There's so much pressure on women to look perfect right away, and I think it's so disheartening and demeaning that we focus on that rather than the miracle that just took place.  We put our bodies through the traumatic experience of giving birth to a human (in my case, an 8+ pound human)...let's focus on that for once rather than how big the post-baby bump is or how quickly we (or Kate) can lose the baby weight.  That's such a misplaced priority.  

Mommy Vices and Advices

I've been refreshing my news app on my phone incessantly, waiting for news of the Royal Baby.  Like many other Americans, I love the love story of William and Kate, and I am enamored with the royals.  Silly, probably, but I think I've always loved a good love story.  My mom was pregnant with me when Prince William was born, and now I have Daniel who will be exactly five months older than the RB, if he or she is born today.  I told him this morning that he can marry the future princess if he wants, though Sparky and I are not quite rich enough to get royal attention :)

While I love Kate, I also feel deeply sorry for the scrutiny she will endure as a mother.  The news this morning was discussing whether or not she would have an epidural, and the state of her cervix and dilation.  The state of her cervix is of international concern? And that's just the beginning I'm sure. 

Breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. Baby purees or baby-led weaning. Sleep training or no sleep training.  Vaccinate or don't vaccinate.  As "mere mortals" (aka non-royals), new moms deal with these pressures all the time.  People are quick to condemn you if you don't breastfeed.  Now that D has started solids, all I read about is how "baby-lead weaning" is better.  The latest comment: "why would you teach a baby to swallow before you teach him to chew?" Well...doesn't a baby have to swallow after he chews?!  I have to admit, I like the idea of baby-led weaning, but I don't have the time to research and decide if that's what's best for us (plus, I like making baby food).  And believe it or not, I just read about a movement to not diaper. at all. I have no idea how that works.

This endless "advice" or as someone has said "ass-vice" is tiring to a new mom who's trying to do what's best for her child.  Even when I feel like I'm doing a good job being a mom, I can read something or talk to someone and suddenly start second guessing myself.  We start to apologize for our babies, as if they're supposed to be little perfect beings and we are supposed to be perfectly put-together moms all the time.  The more I try to be "perfect," the more I stress out and the more D feels me stress out. 

I don't think it's fair to any mom to scrutinize her parenting.  Parenting is a deeply personal commitment, a belief, almost, and every set of parents are entitled to their own beliefs.  I do not criticize other's parenting choices--what right do I have to do so?  Doing what's best for your child is ultimately the most important thing, and if that means breastfeeding "a boy who's old enough to chew steak" (Miranda, SATC) then so be it. 

My mommy vice: I nap with Daniel in my arms, in the rocker in his nursery.  When he wakes up after only 30 minutes from a nap that should be at least an hour, I pick him up and I rock him and sleep with him for as long as I can.  I tried to let him cry and failed miserably. He gets upset and I get upset and and stressed and it's just a really bad situation.  We don't cry-it-out.  And maybe we never will.  I make no apologies for that.  He will eventually nap longer than 40 minutes without help, and he will also eventually not want me to hold him and cuddle him, so I'll steal those cuddles while I can.

So yes, I'm going to feed my baby purees that I make from organic veggies.  I'm going to use disposable diapers. I'm going to let my son nap in my arms, and I'm going to give him Tylenol when he needs it.  If those are the worst of my mommy vices, then I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job.  I know that the scrutiny Kate will receive comes with the territory of being a Royal, but I hope people remember that she's still human, still a first-time mom, and still deserves to parent without the "ass-vice" of those "who know better."

And on a funnier note: I read a tweet this morning from @professor_snape that said: "If Will is 100% royal and Kate is 0% royal, is the baby a half-blood prince or princess?" Love it :)

And it begins...Again...

I'm currently watching my five-month old roll around on the floor and try to put every.single.thing in his mouth.  So far, he's happy which means we may get another day break from the hell that is teething.  Yet...I'm also supposed to be ovulating this week, and even though I do have this precious little boy who's changed my life completely, we're also back at square one, or baby number two. 

I'm sure that a lot of people would say WAIT!!! DON'T DO IT!!! or...shouldn't you just be happy?! You already have ONE! I realize as well that I am completely and utterly blessed to have this amazing boy, but we know that our family is not complete. 

AF decided to show her face when D was about four and a half months old.  With her, she brought a decrease in milk supply (and I'm not sure it's ever fully recovered) and the beginning of OPKs again.  According to my arch nemesis fertility friend, my smiley face should've showed up yesterday, but said smiley face is being elusive.  Which really is fine with me at this point.

Let me explain why...I'm in my second year of grad school.  I will graduate in May 2014 (yay!), and while I talked a big game about "just putting the baby in the carrier and getting all my work done no problem," the reality of having a child AND doing grad school is that it's REALLY HARD.  I love my coursework, but trying to read and write papers during nap time which may or may not last longer than twenty minutes right now is just tough.  Thank goodness I have a mom and a MIL who will watch D for a few hours so I can get some uninterrupted work time.  With that said, the idea of even having another infant before I graduate in May is incredibly daunting.  Sparks and I would do it, if that's what God gives us, but I would struggle.  We're not exactly preventing Baby #2, but let's just say we're also not dancing when the baby song is on. 

Now, come September or October...bring on the baby song.  In pulling out that dusty box of OPKs, though, I was flooded with so many emotions I forgot existed.  Even though I'm not quite ready to get pregnant again, I can't help but hope to see that smiley face.  When I took a pregnancy test a couple of months ago (because AF hadn't shown up yet) I was a little sad that it was negative.  With only one working tube, the reality is it WILL take us longer to conceive again.  I'm curious to see what the next few months hold, and I'm curious to see how I deal with it now that I have D. 

This space that I've created and that I love will become a mix of emotions I'm sure--TTC and parenting, and really, just living life and trying to find the time to write about it.  What this space has given me over the past year and a half, though, is support and a wonderful group of ladies I think of as friends. And the coolest thing--most of these ladies are now holding their own little ones. and I think that's pretty darn awesome :)

ps...D just tried to eat my keyboard, and here he is trying to eat a pitcher of margaritas

As American as Apple Pie

According to the Today Show, apple pie actually originated in England in the 14th century, but who am I to challenge the age-old saying, "as American as apple pie"? Funny, we don't typically think of apple pie as a 4th of July dessert; rather, pies are reserved for the Big Holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter.  Well, this year, I've broken that mold a bit and actually made an apple pie for Father's Day and now 4th of July....

Flashback to the summer before my junior year of college. I decided that I needed "A Thing." You know, something that would make me known and set me apart at all those fancy soirees I would eventually attend.  I decided I wanted to be the Girl Who Made Pies.  So, I embarked on a journey to figure out how to make my own pie crust.  Apple pie seemed like the easiest place to start, so I got on Food Network online and found a pie that looked easy enough.  And hours and a whole lot of mess later, I had a pie.  It was runny and the crust was tough, but I had made a pie.  As any baker knows, crust gets better every time you make it.  A little known side effect of pies is that boys LOVE them.  Kind of like my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but in a much classier pearls-in-the-kitchen kind of way.  My best guy friends in college started asking me to make pies. I auctioned off a pie in an on-campus auction that was bought by the guys who lived across the street from us.  Now, both my dad and my FIL and of course Sparky beg for pies. 

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a perfectionist.  As such, I've searched and searched and searched for the perfect pie crust recipe.  In my cookbook, I have different variations marked for different types of pies. I've tried Crisco, vinegar, egg-based crust, butter, and my actual favorite, lard.  Only one time has a new crust flopped.  But every time, I go back to my tried and true all-butter crust.  It's not quite as light or flakey as a lard based crust, but let's face it, who really keeps lard on hand?

What's funny is that every time I make a crust, I always get this feeling that the dough will never come together. There's a certain point as I'm meticulously adding tablespoons of water and trying to get the dough to come together that  I feel a lump in my throat and think, this will never work. But alas, it does, and most of the time, the crust rolls out beautifully in the end.  I'm sure this is some sort of metaphor for life, but I'm too sun-drunk to realize it right now.

I make lots of pies, though my favorite is still apple, a la mode if there's ice cream on hand.  Sparky is like a master apple cutter, so the apples are paper-thin and layered, making my pie tender and meaty all at the same time.  I like to use a pie bird because I feel like the pie cooks more evenly inside.  And my one last little secret: nutmeg or pumpkin pie spice added to the apples. 

My pies never look perfect.  In fact, my beautifully-crimped pie edges always puff up. They never stay pretty and crimped, and my dough often puffs up and slides down the sides of my pie plate. I've learned, though, that this makes them look homemade. No one will ever accuse me of buying a frozen pie crust (not that there's anything wrong with that--cue Seinfeld reference). 

Because it's the 4th of July and I'm proud to be an apple pie making American, I'm going to share my recipe.  Happy 4th :)

Crust:
2 1/2 C flour
1 C butter, chilled (I've done half lard before as well)
1 t salt
1 t sugar
approx. 10 T water

I put all dry ingredients in food processor and then add the butter in chunks and pulse until it forms a cornmeal type of consistency (or little peas of butter). I add 8 T of water and pulse, then I dump the mixture into a bowl and finish adding the water (as much as you need to form a ball of dough) and mixing by hand.  I wrap in plastic wrap and let sit in the fridge for at least 45 minutes, though I think overnight is best

Pie Filling:
6-7 cups thinly sliced apples. I use a blend of Granny Smith, Jonagold (or whatever is in my house), and at least 2 honeycrisp apples. HC apples are expensive but worth it.  Slice apples paper thin
1 C brown sugar
1 C white sugar
1 t cinnamon
1/2-1 C flour depending on how watery your apples are

Mix all ingredients together.  For best results, layer in pie crust, do not just dump apples in. 

When I'm ready to roll my dough, I take out the dough ball, cut it in half and put half back in the fridge until I'm ready to roll the top crust.  Let dough sit for about 15 minutes until it gets easy to roll.  Flour your rolling board and pin (mine are both granite).  I also let the rolling pin chill in the freezer before rolling. I think it helps keep the dough cool.  Roll dough and lay in pie plate, making sure to have enough overhang to attach to the top crust.  Layer in apples. On top of apples, take 2 additional tablespoons of butter and portion them out across the top of the apples.  I make about 5 little slices from 2 T of butter.  Roll your top crust and place over pie.  Crimp edges together and cut off excess dough.  Unless you are using a pie bird, you will need to make slits in the top of the pie to allow steam to escape.  Bake 25 minutes then cover edges with pie guard or foil and bake 25-45 more minutes depending on pie. 

Enjoy :) and here's the pie I made today...I tried to make it more American...not sure it worked very well

Traveling, teething, and tantrums

HELLO blogettes! I have missed you all and this space dearly!  Life is life as normal lately, meaning Sparky is out of town working and I'm juggling baby, school, and work.  Nothing new here!  I thought I would write a little about our recent traveling experiences with a four month old and share some Daniel updates.  It's always helped me to see what other people's babies are doing/did at the same time as mine...makes me feel normal somehow.  So here we go...

TRAVELING WITH A FOUR MONTH OLD....
...first two flights: perfect baby.  We flew during the day, so D dozed on and off.  We kept him occupied by standing him on our laps and letting him watch the TVs on the plane. He loved to look down the row at all the TVs.  What worked for me:

• Feeding him right before take off so he was happy
• Bringing his favorite toys
• Keeping his paci in on descent so his ears didn't pop
• Making friends with the flight attendants! They even brought me huge bottles of water because I was breastfeeding :)

...first flight on the way home: O. M. G. We were "those people" with the baby.  I had to take D in the bathroom he was screaming so loud. We were traveling at 5 pm which is the WORST time to travel with a baby.  I will never, ever do that again.  During the day or late at night seems best.  He was so over tired from not sleeping during the day that he would not calm down to go to sleep.  Nothing worked, not even the boob.  We were delayed and re-routed so we didn't get on the plane until around 7.  D finally fell asleep on the descent.  He woke up when we got to Chicago (around 9pm) so he was zonked by this time.  What worked for me, NIGHT TIME TRAVEL:

• Changing him into his pjs in the airport--he knows his bedtime routine
• Giving him Tylenol (please don't judge me...) to avoid scream fest #2
• Feeding him as soon as we got on the plane and then keeping the nursing cover over me so that it was dark and he could stay asleep. 

This time, D slept through the entire flight and then went straight to sleep in the crib when we finally got home around 2 am. 

NECESSARY TRAVEL ITEMS

•  Jeep carseat travel bag. We checked the carseat (for free! it's called and exception item) and then used our Snap n Go stroller in the airport. I carried D in the Bjorn and we put all our bags in the stroller (since it doesn't work without the carseat). These things both worked great. We gate checked the stroller easily each time.
• LOTS of blankets. My arm got really sore from him sleeping so I used the blankets as padding
• Babyganics sanitizing wipes. I literally wiped down EVERYTHING and D's hands and feet multiple times. Airplanes gross me out.
• Portable changing pad (mine came with my diaper bag)
• Footed pjs/socks--the planes were cold

On Patience and Not Always Knowing it All

My cousin-in-law and her husband (my cousin) will journey to Ethiopia this week to meet their son.  They are adopting him after years of struggling with unexplained infertility.  Something about her journey really resonates with me. She is one of the most adoring, genuine women I know.  She is kind, open-hearted, and has such a sweet spirit.  She is going to make an amazing mother and I'm so excited for her. 

I can't imagine what she's feeling right now. Anticipation, excitement, anxiety.  She gets to hold her son for the first time.  Even though she can't take him home yet, she gets to meet her child.  The child that she has wanted for so long.  I know this road has not been easy for them.  They have had to have so much patience to get here, and I'm sure that at times it's been frustrating not knowing when they were going to get their baby and then when their court date would be set.  What a true show of faith, hope, and patience.

I wish I could say that even in my "easy" journey to motherhood and now four months in that I have shown such strength.  A little over a year ago I posted about my love/hate relationship with Fertility Friend.  I always wanted to know it all. WHEN was I going to ovulate.  Do my symptoms compare with others, could this or that show that I'm pregnant.  Then I got pregnant and I wanted to know even more.  Is the heartbeat too slow, too fast, too rhythmic.  Is he moving enough, too much, too little.  Am I eating the right things to make him strong and smart.  And now, I'm a mom, and I still yearn to know it all.  Is he eating enough, too much. Is it gas? Am I producing enough milk? Is he teething? How do I know? Is this a growth spurt, developmental, physical? 

For each of these stages, I've researched obsessively. I've joined birth clubs and asked other moms.  I recently downloaded the Wonder Weeks app only to find that D is smack dab in the middle of one of the biggest developmental leaps.  Does this solve his fussiness? No, but something about knowing that he's there makes him easier to handle.  I always feel that way: if I can just know more, I'll be ok.

But when does knowing more stop? Or moreover, when is knowing more a bad thing?  I overanalyze everything, always looking for an explanation or an answer.  I find myself doing this so much that I forget to live in the moment and enjoy my son, even at his fussiest.  I ask my mom why, I ask myself why, I ask D why and really, I come up with no answers besides he's a baby.  My cousins have endured many moments where they've known nothing about their son, and they had nowhere to turn, no app to explain what was going on, no message board that could tell them what it would be like to embark on this journey.  And they're still coming out ok, more than ok, because in the next few days, they will hold the product of their patience.  A precious son. 

And I'll end with a pic. In a rare moment of non-fussiness, D found his feet.

Monster Baby

I play this game with D where I stand him up and say in a very weird, German-man-esque voice, "I am a monster baby and I am going to crush your town with my giant monster baby legs!" Weird, I know.  But little did I know that my beautiful, happy, chatty baby would soon evolve into a monster baby.

Teething + four month sleep regression = monster D.

I'm pretty sure that we are officially in teething territory.  Massive amounts of drool, pulling on the ears, snuffly nose, wanting to chew on everything.  Last night, though, we had blood curdling screaming along with this.  D has never been inconsolable, even as a newborn, so last night's crying episodes lead me to believe he's teething.  Poor, poor baby.  These are the kind of screams that make your heart and your tummy hurt, where the baby's whole body goes rigid and the arms and legs are flailed out, even when you're holding them.  Thank goodness I was at my mom's because I probably would've freaked out. 

We gave him some Tylenol, a bath, and a boob and put him to bed.  He woke up at 11:30, 12:30, and then 6. For a baby who usually sleeps 8-6, this is not a normal routine.  In his sleep, he scratched the outer part of his ear so hard he made himself bleed. 

Now, I've never had a baby before, but I think this may be teething behavior.  There's a theory out there that babies go through a four month sleep regression because they're developing so much mentally at this stage, and I think we've hit that too.  Usually D's naps are wonderful. I can lay him down and he makes no peep for an hour or two, but lately, he wakes up multiple times during his naps and I have to go put his paci in and calm him down so he goes back to sleep.  I feel like all of these sleep disturbances are also making him a fuss bucket. 

I don't want him to grow up too quickly, but I would definitely like for this four month sleep regression to stop. D's spoiled me with this good sleep, so I'd like it back!  I'm one tired momma.  With Sparky gone four days a week and grad school back in full swing, I'm pretty worn out and WAY ready for our vacation next week. Being a "single" parent is incredibly difficult.  Props to women who do it.

On having cake and eating it too

There's an episode of Sex and the City (one of my all time favorite shows) where Samantha moves into a new apartment and all the girls are at her place.  She leans out the window and shouts, "You see New York, we can have it all!" and then the next morning she wakes up with the flu.  Can we ever have our cake and eat it guiltlessly?

I've never been the girl who's wanted to stay home with her child.  I've always been a career-driven, career-minded woman.  When I was in high school, I swore that I would never get married but rather spend my life traveling as an international business woman who would some day adopt a child.  That mentality changed when I fell in love, first with my now-husband (yes, we dated in high school) and then with my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for 6 years. 

Society puts pressure on women in different ways, often creating a catch-22.  We are told that to be the best mothers, we should stay home.  But we are also told we can have it all, an excellent job, great salary, beautiful home AND the family.  How do these two world coexist? And how am I not to feel guilty for NOT staying home with my child?  For the 8 hours I am at work, someone else will be raising my son.  Someone else will hold him and cuddle him, will begin to teach him discipline.  Someone else who won't be me, who won't make the same silly faces or sing the same silly songs.  But the reality is, like millions of other women, not working right now is not an option.

I've taught AP English for 6 years now, and since I began teaching (8 years ago...) I've wanted to grade essays for the national AP Language and Composition exam.  I applied three years ago and this year, my application was accepted.  I was all set to go to Kentucky for a week in June.  I have about 150 ounces of milk saved and was introducing formula to supplement my stash.  We'd worked out childcare with my mom and my MIL during the day and Sparks would pick D up after work every day.  I was on the road to "having it all"--the baby, the awesome opportunity, the good job.  And then life happened.  When I accepted the invitation in January, I never realized how hard being away from the baby would be.  I thought, I'm a driven, independent girl--there's no WAY I will mind being away from home. Not so true.  The logistics of leaving a baby for 8 days are also crazy hard.  So I started praying about the decision--should I cancel my trip that I've wanted for 8 years....or should I go?  And then Sparky found out he would have to work out of town four days a week from now until July, and the decision was made for me; I had been given the sign (or answer) I'd been praying for.  No opportunity of a lifetime because there's no one else to watch the baby. 

It's bittersweet, really.  I've cried many times already because I am losing something I've wanted for so long, something that defines a career and makes a teacher.  But I can't have it all.  I already have the most precious gift in the whole world with Mr. D, and I know I shouldn't ask for more than that. 

Though sometimes it would be nice to eat the cake guiltlessly...

Musings and Mumblings

It's been quiet around these parts lately.  (aside, when I type 'quiet,' I always have to double check and make sure I didn't type 'quite.' Once when I was grading essays that referenced a 'golden carp' a lot of students wrote 'golden crap.' golden crap. hahahaha, but enough to always make me double check that I haven't transposed my letters)

As you can see, my mind is a little everywhere these days, but in a good way.  Sparks just got an investment property, so I will be venturing into single-parenthood for a few weeks, which is fine if said property investment means I get to stay home for a little while after I finish my masters degree.  (I know that staying home AFTER I get the degree doesn't make sense but the degree will not vanish if I choose not to work for a couple of years)  I'm feeling under the weather AGAIN (and really, if the weather is nice, why wouldn't you want to be under it? Who makes up these phrases?!).  Daniel is three months today and as great as ever.  I've had two nights of 6+ hours of sleep for myself, where D is sleeping 8-5ish and then again until we leave for work. And D is napping in his crib--he finally doesn't fight it!  Except he naps on his tummy, which of course means I'm a horrible parent and will soon be eaten by a lion (see this post). He sleeps with his butt in the air, and at this rate, I think he will crawl before he rolls over. 


Photo proof of butt-in-air sleeping. I love his giraffe socks

The Sleeping Conundrum

I shared this link on f-book for my BFF (she's a new mommy too) and thought I should post it here.  This essay is HYSTERICAL and describes the conundrum new parents face when trying to get their kids to sleep, when trying to sleep train their kid, and when trying to figure out what the hell sleep training is.  I could've written this myself. 

So here's the other conundrum: I pray for D to sleep through the night, but when he does, I wake up every hour worried that he's sleeping.  Which means, I wake up more now that he's sleeping than I do when he was waking up.

Seriously. I'm exhausted.  Happy, but exhausted.

And for the record, we have not followed a specific sleep book.  I have pulled different ideas from all over and it seems to be working.  My child has not been eaten by a lion yet.  He does nap in his swing, so maybe when he's in college, he'll have a big swing in his dorm and nap in that.  I guess that's the price I'll pay for getting my baby to take a nap. 

Daniel Doodle's day in the ER

Hello blogettes! Been a while...

We've been pretty busy around here in the abnormally-cool-for-May south.  Unfortunately, little D made his first trip to the children's hospital last week :(  Here's the whole story...

Last Wednesday night D had a particularly bad night of sleeping, like up every hour.  He's been sleeping well (only waking up once) so I was very frustrated with this.  He cried all morning and then stopped when I got to the babysitter's house to drop him off.  She called me around 10:30 and said he'd only eaten 2.5 ounces (usually eats 5+) and had been sleeping all morning; when he wasn't sleeping, he was crying.  I called our ped and she said any time a baby this small is lethargic they want to see him immediately.

A little more back story...I had taken off last Thursday to move all my crap home from my mom's house.  Sparky had been in Finland for 10 days and was returning home so I thought I'd clean the house, take a nice shower and get pretty for him.  This would be accomplished by leaving the baby at the sitter's house for his normal time (7:30-12). 

Ok back to the story. SO I get that phone call right as I was getting in the shower.  I had NO makeup on and had my work out clothes on (not that I had had time to work out).  Call the ped, get an appt in 30 minutes.  I rush to put some semblance of makeup on as to not look like a total crap mom.  I was also driving the truck that day which has the old carseat, not my nice shiny one. Needless to say I was sure they would just take the baby away from me for looking so crappy and bringing in the old carseat. 

Temp was 100.3 at dr, right on the verge of being dangerous (100.4 is immediate ER for a baby under 6 weeks) but D was 9 weeks...so we were on the brink.  This whole time Sparky is IN THE AIR and has no idea what's going on.  My mom (amazing woman) rushes to ped's office and we decide to take D to the ER (after changing cars and getting the good carseat). 

Long story short...an IV, catheter, spinal tap, and 2 xrays of his belly later, we find out that D is perfectly fine and just has the virus I've had for two weeks.  (and he has a milk protein allergy which means no more dairy for me).  Temp spiked to 102.6 during our night-long stay in the hospital.  Sparky landed, got my frantic text and had his cab drop him off at the hospital, suitcases and all.  We were moved to a room around 8pm.  Sparky had gone home, showered, and grabbed our essentials for an overnight stay, and we proceeded to spend the whole night taking turns holding D and trying to doze off. He refused to be put down, poor baby. 

We were released on Friday around one.  D took the weekend to recuperate and by Monday, his temp was FINALLY gone and we got the all clear from our ped.  He's back to his happy, smiley self which is wonderful.  Scariest experience to date.  Seeing your child poked and prodded is absolutely horrible. 

He's since started talking more and batting objects with his hands.  He'll lay on his play mat for like 30 minutes now, just mesmerized by his toys! It's so cute.  On that note, here's a pic :)


napping on mom and looking like my younger brother!




helping mom finish her research paper

Join the Movement: Never Forget

Last year, I blogged about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) while we were knee deep in cycling, TTC, surgeries, and non-working fallopian tubes.  This year, we are in such a different place.  I am holding an 8 week old miracle in my arms.  This year, I look at my blogroll and see 90% of those whom I follow have either just had their miracle babies or are only a few short weeks away from doing so.  This year, things are different, but I have not forgotten.

I know that I do not fit the definition of a typical "infertile," but I still suffer (and suffered) from issues that no one talks about--a septate uterus with a muscular/vascular septum that cut my uterus almost in two and only one working fallopian tube.  I still remember the pain of diagnosis, of three uterine surgeries, of countless rounds of hormones, of failed cycles, and of the loss that started everything.

I have not forgotten the loss of Malachi.  Through the blogging community, I realized that I was not alone in my grief.  I realized that other people felt the same way after a loss and that there was hope.  I connected with women I had never met but needed desperately. 

I think that after struggling with infertility or loss and then going on to have a successful pregnancy, women can forget what that felt like. In recognition of NIAW, don't forget.  Remember that we are the ones that can listen to those struggling with infertility.  When we hear of someone with a new diagnosis, it's our job to make them aware of resources--such as our blogging community--to help.  It's our job to make our struggles known in order to help others.  I won't forget.

Random funny

Every day, I pump at work from 9:45-10:15.  So, right in the middle of my scheduled pumping, the fire alarm went off.  Thank GOODNESS I knew it was a drill!  But I had just gotten a letdown and really couldn't do anything.  I'm sure no one even knew I was missing...

And in other news, today is my bestie's due date!  Her beautiful daughter is being stubborn, so we're all anxiously awaiting her arrival.  Here's the poem I wrote in honor of today.  I am NOT a poet, if you can't tell from this lovely little piece

To My Bestie on Her Due Date

Today is your due date;
now Addie is too late
and making her mother miserable.

You've bounced up and down,
cleaned all around
and find none of your clothes wearable.

The longer she sits,
the fatter she gets,
but I know the wait is unbearable.

You'll meet her so soon
(hey, maybe at noon!)
Sweet lips and fat cheeks
to kiss and to squeeze,
she'll be everything you've ever imagined.

Dear Addie come quickly
and please don't be sickly.
We can't wait to meet you sweet girl.

8 Weeks!

Daniel is 8 weeks today! I can't believe it :)  Time DOES fly at points, but definitely not at 4:45 am when he (and me!) should be sleeping, or at 8:30 pm when baby is SO overtired that he won't go to sleep after 2 hours of rocking in the rocking chair.  Nonetheless, I am loving mommyhood and wish I could just stay home all day with my lil man.

**********************

TWO MONTH STATS
My Weight: 10 pounds 13 oz last Tuesday, so now probably over 11 pounds! Mommy's little chunk!

My Length: 23 inches (75% tile for height! My short parents are proud)

My Eyes: still blue as can be!

I love to:  Smile at mommy, lay on my changing pad and talk, swing in my swing, lay on nonna's bed and stare at the fan, open my eyes really wide at big noises

My favorite time of day: bath time!

I am: smiling constantly when people talk to me.  I really like to interact with people and I'm starting to notice when no one pays attention to me

Sleep: Well...I'm working on this one.  I sleep 6 hours at night (from 7ish until 1ish) and then I sleep from 2 until 5.  If Mommy feeds me at 5 I'll go back to sleep until around 8. 

Mommy's favorite thing: my big, wide-mouthed smile, and the fact that I look just like my dad.

**********************

We're working on "sleep training" right now. Some days are better than others, and like my mom says, he's only 8 weeks old.  It will get better.  My biggest goal right now is making sure we have set nap times throughout the day.  He needs at least 45 minutes to an hour of good, restorative nap time.  He's great at 2 morning naps (early and then mid morning) but the afternoon nap is tough.  I put him in his crib but he'll only sleep for about 40 minutes...sometimes I'll get an hour or more out of that nap and I'm working on stretching it.  He also still naps after his 3:30/4pm feeding.  He's not quite old enough to stay up from 4 pm to bath time at 6:30 and that's ok.  He's still going to sleep pretty easily.  I'm not following a plan, per say, and I'm always open to your advice!  Night sleep isn't bad, and I'm going to try what Baby Wise calls a "dream feed" at 10 pm for the next couple of nights to see if that helps stretch the 5 am wake up time a little later.  That's the toughest wake up for me. 

Sparky is in Finland on business for another week and I am CRAZY busy with grad school right now, so life's a little hectic.  I'm SO blessed that my mom (Daniel's Nonna!) is helping me.  Ok, more than helping...I'm living with my parents right now and she's just amazing.  AMAZING. 

Back to work...but before that, here are pics of my little guy



Bath time last night



7 weeks



6 weeks 4 days





6 weeks



"Why Does He Hate My Nipple?" and Other Tales from the Boppy

As promised!

Everyone tells you breastfeeding is natural. "Don't worry about it--you'll be fine" is their mantra, kind of like "just relax, you'll get pregnant."  Well, chock this up to another falsehood about motherhood.  Breastfeeding is NOT easy, at least it hasn't been for me.  Any of you who have been reading my blog for a while now know that I am somewhat of a type a, like to be in control type of girl.  Ok, "somewhat" may be somewhat of an understatement.  Case and point: when I was in labor, the nurse told me we would try pushing to see how good of a pusher I was.  Bring it, bitch, I thought to myself.  You've just thrown down the gauntlet, or maybe more literally, the hospital gown.  I'll show YOU how good of a pusher I am! And that's probably the reason I only pushed for 15 minutes before Daniel was born. 

All to say that when I started to struggle with breastfeeding, I treated it and the baby as something I had to figure out and control.  Come to find out ,the only thing I could control was Daniel's eating schedule of every three hours, and even then, waking him up at times was a challenge.  I don't want to write this to scare anyone but for others to be prepared, because I certainly was not.  I'm going to include some links I found helpful as well.

Struggle #1: Latch
I was concerned about latch on in the hospital.  Once I asked every nurse about this, I felt much more comfortable that Daniel was already latching well before we left the hospital.  However, once I started struggling with other things, I found it helpful to make sure first and foremost that his latch was good. 
Resource NBCI here; video on latching

Struggle #2: Engorgement
I think engorgement was the greatest pain I've been in besides labor.  After about 3-4 days, when your milk comes in, you will feel like your breasts are two huge rocks.  I mean HUGE--I was a 34aa and now I'm a 34d.  I just thought it was normal for them to be rock hard, but when they started aching, I started to worry about clogged ducts.  Daniel didn't seem to be getting enough milk and I was in so much pain I could barely feed him.  He screamed, I cried, and Sparky just didn't know how to handle all of it.  I called my OB and went in to see her as she feared mastitis.  I actually had a horribly clogged duct.  You'll know you have clogged ducts if your breasts are rock hard and don't soften after a feeding.  You can feel them under your skin as well.  Here was her prescription: go home, get in a shower as hot as you can take it and manually express all of the milk from both breasts.  I had to put all of my strength into my hands and arms to massage out all of the milk.  I actually bruised myself pushing so hard, but only after 30 minutes two times in a row was I able to feel relief from the engorgement.  I called a lactation consultant (LC) the next day and she suggested breast compression while feeding.  Video here .  Breast compression has been my savior and I still compress while feeding, now to help let down, not relieve engorgement.  The engorgement did subside once my milk regulated to baby's needs. 

Struggle #3: Why does he hate my nipple?
About three weeks into breastfeeding, Daniel started a horrible routine of pulling off my breast and screaming after only a few minutes of nursing.  This happened mostly at night but for a couple of days, every feeding was like this.  We would give him breastmilk in the bottle and he'd take that so naturally I was so devastated.  At one point, I threw the boppy on the floor.  I was sobbing and screaming about how I was a failure because I couldn't feed my child enough.  I had a miserable few days.  Nothing I did seemed to placate him.  I knew he was hungry.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure this was a growth spurt and that he was telling my body to make more milk.  There really was nothing I could do but let him suck and wait until my body got the message to catch up with him. The pediatrician thought it may be slight reflux, so we have D on 1.2 ml of meds a day and that has also helped.  I did try gripe water first (to go all natural) but it worked for a day and then the inconsolable screaming continued.

Now, he still does this, but only during his fussy time (6-8pm).  I also know that I'm now producing enough milk for him, so I'm more at ease with the situation.  What I've learned after much research (www.kellymom.com) is that this is common.  Often, babies are overstimulated by this time of night.  Daniel's response to overstimulation is to refuse to eat.  He may not be hungry or he may just be overtired, but this is his way of expressing it.  I've found that if I can soothe him with a paci and rocking then he's not hungry, just overtired, when he pulls off the breast and screams.  I used to try to continue to feed him (resulting in a muffled mouth-full-of-nipple scream) but now, I just take him off, try to burp, check diaper, try only once more to feed him, and if he still doesn't take it, I soothe him.  Most of the time he falls asleep for a few hours so I know he wasn't hungry, and he wakes up and eats great.  I just pump when he doesn't want to eat.

Struggle #4: Why doesn't my child or my breast have an empty/full gauge?!
For those of us who like to be in control, I find that this struggle is the hardest.  How do you ever know if you're producing enough milk or if baby is getting enough milk?  Sometimes baby will pull off and seem satisfied.  Other times, baby will continue to suck long after your breasts feel full.  I'm a horrible pumper and can usually only get 1-1.5 ounces per breast in a sitting, but I know Daniel is eating 2 oz a breast (he will drink a full 4oz bottle) and is full.  So how do you know? Weight gain is truly the only way to know, as frustrating as it is.  If baby is typically happy after a feeding, he's getting enough.  I realize this isn't always true, but I find it helpful.  I also found it helpful to know the difference between drinking and sucking because then you know how long the baby is actually drinking milk.  Video here.

I think I tried to rush Daniel through feedings.  Since I've calmed down, I just let him eat.  I don't watch the clock.  As babies get older, they get more efficient at eating and can fill up in a shorter time.  As long as their time is spent drinking and not just sucking or nibbling, the amount of time truly doesn't matter--just the quality of the feeding. 

Struggle #5: Let down
During the "I hate your boobs" phase, I also realized that I wasn't getting good letdown.  You have some milk in your breasts when baby first starts eating (foremilk) but the good fatty milk, the hindmilk, comes when your milk lets down.  This can be a spray that is forceful or for some babies, not forceful enough.  Daniel was pissed because my letdown was slow or nonexistent.  After copious research and many tears, I started practicing relaxation and breathing techniques to help my letdown. This has helped tremendously (www.kellymom.com) Now I usually get three letdowns on each side and Daniel is happy as a clam.  After the first letdown, the second is usually too strong for him so he pulls off and milk goes everywhere, but I'd rather have that problem!

This isn't perfect, though. Just the other night he couldn't get a second letdown (I think I was stressed) and he was pissed, so he screamed.  We soothed him and he fell asleep, so obviously he was just fussy, but I'm still struggling with all of this. 

You'll know baby is getting good hindmilk when his poop is yellow and seedy.  If his poop is green and stringy, baby is getting mostly foremilk and you should nurse longer to ensure he's getting the good fatty milk that helps him sleep.

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ALLLL this to say: you're not alone.  Breastfeeding is hard.  If you can't do it, do what's best for your baby.   A stressed mommy is a stressed baby, and I know that first hand.  When I was so upset while I was breastfeeding, he wasn't eating well.  My stress and anxiety went directly to him.  I hope that in some way, this will help someone.  I researched and read so much just to calm my own anxieties, but now I feel like we're finally in a good eating place.  The 6 week growth spurt may change all this, but I think I'm better prepared.

Now to figure out a bedtime routine...and how to get a baby to go to sleep at 7:30 pm and only wake up once until morning...

Dear blog space...

I'm sorry I'm neglecting you right now.  Between baby and going back to work and grad school and  trying to still be a decent wife who keeps a clean house, I am up to my eyeballs.  I will be back soon.  I will write a post about the hardships and struggles of breastfeeding because I need to.  I want to. 

To be continued...

Wedding attire!

Off to a wedding. Daniel will be in his moby wrap all evening per the pediatrician's orders (since he's only three weeks old). Ignore the pink bassinet sheet-we borrowed the bassinet from someone who had a girl and I didn't want to spend money on sheets for it :)

First Two Weeks...must haves and must not haves

**I know that I started this blog in the midst of our miscarriage and issues conceiving, and I love how many women I've met on this journey. I understand if you are in a difficult spot and don't wish to follow along anymore as I will be posting on our baby journey quite a bit.  I hope that y'all stick around for the ride, but I understand if you can't.

Hi all! I have a tiny bit of time before my hungry little boy wakes up to feed (or I wake him up...usually the
case) so I thought I'd post about our must haves from the past two weeks.  I already posted about my breastfeeding must-haves in my hospital list post, so I won't be redundant here, at least not too much :)

MUST HAVES:

• Supportive family and/or husband. Today is my fist day to be completely alone with Daniel and he's almost two weeks old.  I've loved having my family here helping.
• Nursing pillow! I have one with a cool slide ring on that you can slide to tell you which side to feed on first at your next feeding.  Pretty helpful.
• Vibrating chair.  Ours was one of the most popular on Amazon and got good reviews.
• Swing.  Again, the typical best-rated Fisher Price swing. We love it and both this and the vibrating chair mean that I can have some hands-free time while Daniel sleeps.  Both of these put him to sleep which is great.
• Sound machine.  We have two, one that's pretty loud and plays continuously and one that's not so loud and plays only 40 minutes.  The Cloud B sleep giraffe Velcros to the side of the bassinet so I don't feel weird leaving it in there when he sleeps.  I put it way far away from him anyway.  
• Swaddle Me swaddlers. A-mazing. Best invention ever.  We knew we were going to swaddle and these velcro so that you don't have to figure out how to swaddle the baby every time.  The velcro gets pretty snug.  Daniel hasn't pulled his arms out but he has figured out how to cross his hands in front of him.  I also like these because they're not tight on his hips or legs.  Hip dysplasia can occur when swaddles are too tight and with the SwaddleMes, this isn't even an issue. 
• Happiest Baby on the Block book.  Love it.  We refer back to this all the time when Daniel is fussy
• Changing pad liners--a lot of them.  He likes to pee on these and this way, I only have to wash the liner, not the whole changing pad.
• If you're breastfeeding, vitamin D drops.  Our pediatrician recommended these as a supplement.
• Covers for carseat straps, such as these.
• We have a snap and go stroller which is really nice. The car seat just snaps in and off we go! Plus the stroller weighs like 4 pounds! He can only use it while he's in the carseat (so maybe up to four months) but for now, it's great.  We have another stroller for when he's bigger.
• Burp cloths.
• Zip up footed long sleeve onesies.  Zips or snaps work well, but you don't want to be pulling anything over baby's head at 3 am when you have to change him twice during a feeding. We use these for pajamas and use pants and long sleeve onesies during the day.
• SOCKS. The best we've found are called trumpette   These stay on better than others that we have.  
• Nosefrida snot snucker. Awesome invention, though you may think it's gross at first. Daniel has been stuffy since he was born. 
• Wrap or sling. I like wearing Daniel so I can get housework and schoolwork done.  I'm still figuring out my Moby and I have a Zolowear ring sling to try as well.  
• Baby bathtub with infant sling. Similar here 

MUST NOT HAVES

• Daniel was 8 pounds so we did NOT need a ton of newborn clothes OR newborn diapers.  Be careful stocking up on these things.  I washed everything and now I can't return it...
• Wipe warmer. Baby wakes up when you change him anyway, so having warm wipes won't make any difference.  
• Toys. He doesn't care yet. He will, but not yet.
• Humidifier? We are using ours, but I haven't noticed a difference in the snot yet. 

I think that's it for now.  I will say that swaddling and shsshing Daniel calms him down more than anything else we've done.  We don't want to depend on a pacifier,  and he doesn't really like taking one so that works out.  We've only had one screaming fit at two in the morning so far, and we're blessed (knock on wood!) that he's sleeping well.  I'm planning a post on breastfeeding as well because out of everything, that's been my biggest struggle.

One more thing...weight loss. I gained 40 pounds.  On my 5'4" frame, this is a lot of weight, given that I fluctuate between 125 and 130 when not pregnant.  After delivery and 12 days of breastfeeding, I'm already down 25 pounds.  Yes, 25!  Now, I'm flabby in my belly but I'll take it!  I'll start my vigorous work out videos once I'm cleared at my six week appt, but I've already started walking and will start running next weekend (dr. gave me permission).  I also just bought a belly compression belt to help pull everything back together.  My abs split so I have to fuse them before I can do ab workouts again.  I'm sure I'll post about weight loss and exercise too, as both are incredibly important to me.  My goal: a new two-piece bathing suit for our family reunion in June.  Bring it, Jillian Michael's workout videos. 

And I'll leave you with a picture.

lil nose scratch--newborn mittens help prevent these!

The most amazing product ever

The vibrating chair. He loves it! I'll post soon on our first week must-haves. He's in this chair in our bathroom right now with me while I get ready.