I hate the word...

Infertility.

I think it's ugly.  I hate what it implies, that I am in some way, deficient.  I don't like calling my doctor my "infertility specialist." He's my doctor, or as DH (darling husband) says, he thinks he's the best (which is fine with me, by the way, because that means he gets stuff done right).

I am a perfectionist, always have been and always will be, though I do have to say my DH has tempered this quality in me since we have  been together.  I had anxiety and heartburn as early as 8th grade and then terrible anxiety attacks again in my early 20s, mainly due the pressure I put on myself to be the best, or at least better than most people.  I realize that sounds horrible, but that's how I am.  I would rather do someone else's work for them because at least I know I will do it right the first time.

All this to say that it was very much a struggle for me to come to terms with not getting pregnant right away.  WHAT?! Me NOT get something?! Hold.The.Phone. I get what I want because I work hard for it.  Period. So this notion of not being able to work hard and therefore earn something as a result was foreign to me.  Having "infertility issues" doesn't fit my way of life.  Or it didn't. 

I'm still learning, but I would like to think that this process and this label have made me more self-reflective, having to ask why do I feel this way and is it valid? It feels like hundreds of people have gotten pregnant in the last five months that we've been going through our infertility issues.  At first, this offended me.  How DARE Jennifer Garner get pregnant.  Or Jessica Simpson.  Or Snooki.  Or Reese Witherspoon.  Or Sienna Miller.  Or Insert-Name-of-One-of-My-Many-Pregnant-Friends Here .  And no, I do not personally know these famous people, but duh, they shouldn't get something that I'm not allowed to have. 

As the journey has progressed, I've learned that this is not a personal attack against me; it's life.  Plain and simple.  I've only gotten to that place through copious amounts of prayer and reflection,  and I still harbor a few envious thoughts towards these women, but I've learned that my issues are my journey and that they're bringing me to some place so much greater than where I was.  I am still not perfect in this thinking, nor will I ever be, but I'm getting there (in first place, naturally).