Monday Musings

I love avocados. Before I fell asleep last night, I was telling DH how much I love avocados. Yes, instead of whispering sweet nothings, I gab on about food when we go to bed. When he's out of town, I eat avocados, Parmesan cheese, and fresh tomatoes for dinner (alongside bread and a glass (or two) of my favorite Pinot Noir).  I do not arrange these things on a sandwich but more like an antipasti platter.  This only happens when he's out of town because DH doesn't believe that a meal is a meal unless it involves meat, not to mention he hates avocados. GASP--THE TREACHERY!! I know, I can't believe he hates them.  Right now I truly want a big avocado.  The last time I wanted avocados badly was when I was pregnant, for those few short weeks.

Don't misunderstand me-there's pretty much no-way-on-God's-green-earth that I'm pregnant.  (I would take a test to prove it to you, but I've stopped peeing on sticks for a while).  Stick-peeing has gone the way of Fertility Friend; both had the ability to take me from a sane, normally-obsessive girl to a crazy, overly-obsessive banshee woman.  Anyway...I wish that avocados were a sign of pregnancy but in this case, I really just want an avocado, no hidden meaning.

On the baby front, I gave up the OPKs at least for another week since Dr. W. said I wouldn't ovulate for about two more weeks.  I was getting frustrated with several almost-positives on the cheapy tests and then negatives on the digital tests.  My body is clearly trying to regulate itself, but no egg is actually being produced.  So, we're still waiting to try to conceive this month.  But maybe that's a good thing, considering talking about avocados in bed is probably not the sexiest thing in the world.  Pretty sure no women's magazine has ever mentioned avocados in articles such as, "10 Ways to Be Irresistible to Your Husband In Bed" or something along those lines.

In other news, I paid my last anesthesiology bill today! WAHOO! I was ecstatic to pay off that portion of my four surgeries. My insurance is very slow, so I don't know how many other bills I have coming, but I do have to say, I was most nervous about this one.  Now that we've moved, I don't know how those medical bills will find me. Maybe the new homeowners will just pay them for me. That would be lovely :)  And Mr. Stork, you should probably put my new address in to your GPS, just in case you'd like to pay us a visit sometime soon.

Blessed

I am blessed.

• I am blessed to be spending my life with a man who truly understands me and with whom I am 100% myself.
• I am blessed with the unconditional love of the best mother and fathter in the world.
• I am blessed with two beautiful siblings and 5 wonderful "siblings-in-law."
• I am blessed with an RE who acts quickly and doesn't wait around, who has gotten me through 3 surgeries in 2 months and set me on the right path.  
• I am blessed with my girlfriends; they know me well enough to know that "it will happen" and "give it time" and "just relax" are not what I need to hear. They know when "I love you" are the only 3 words I need to hear, and that sometimes I don't need to hear anything at all.
• I am so, so blessed.

That's all for today :)

One Lovely Blog Award

One Lovely Blog Award...

WOWWEEE! I love getting awards! (Really, is anyone surprised that the perfectionist likes to win things? Didn't think so)  Thanks to EmHart at Follow Every Rainbow, Dandellion Breeze, AND Mrs. Sneakers at Our Pathway to Parenthood for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award.  I only started this about a month ago but I have already been so blessed by the women I've met along the way. I love reading everyone's blogs, and I have stumbled upon some truly outstanding writers. 

Here's how it works:

• Share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog (above)
• Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
• Give this award to 15 other bloggers. (this is so hard! all of my little friend bloggers are so good they've already gotten the award!)
• Let them know they've won
• Pop the award on your blog

 Seven random facts about me...

1. My proudest moment to date was crossing the finish line for my first marathon.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
2. Gossip Girl and America's Next Top Model are my guilty obsessions.
3. I love shoes and shoe shopping, and I like the way my feet look in fabulous shoes.  Shoes always make me feel better, unlike purses. I hate purse shopping.
4. I dated my DH for 8 months in high school and then reunited with him 8 years later, after not talking to him for 6 years.
5. We have a white boxer puppy--ok she's 6 years old--who we treat like our baby. We absolutely adore her, and she's pretty much the most well-behaved, docile dog I've ever seen.
6. I love to read and can be found reading while brushing my teeth, watching TV, grading essays...and the list goes on. My dream vacation involves plenty of uninterrupted reading time.
• Currently reading: That Gallagher Girl by Kate Thompson. Part of a trilogy set in Lissamore, Ireland. Very cute, easy reading. 
• Next up: Thinking of reading the Fifty Shades series. Any thoughts on it?
7. My dream is to someday publish a book about...something. I've been writing chapters of this book since college, though they're not very good.

Now I will try to give this award to 15 other people, but like I said, their blogs are so good they've already gotten awards. I enjoy reading these blogs as part of my daily routine, and regardless of ICLW, I do want to keep it up.  I have been inspired and humbled by these women.

An update on me? Nothing new, just waiting on the elusive "smiley face" to appear on my OPK! Happy as a lil clam over here, for the first time in a long time!

Happy Hump Day!

Halfway through my first ICLW! Woohoo! I think I've done pretty well, too; commenting on five different blogs a day is difficult when I'm at work all day and then don't sit down at night until around 8 pm. 

I made the decision on Monday to pause my Fertility Friend account. As I've mentioned before, I have an obsessive personality, and being on that website was driving me crazy. I was depressed looking at all the positive HPTs, and I obsessed about my own chart and "pregnant" charts that may look like mine. Any of you ladies who are/have been on FF know what I'm talking about. 

Since making that decision, I feel SO much better.  Yes, I'm still obsessed with charting and I keep track of it, but on my own little daily planner. I really can't tell you why this has made so much of a difference, but I am definitely more positive than I've felt in weeks.  I know that as soon as I do truly ovulate, I will "symptom spot" with the best of them, but that's ok. I've got a while to mentally prepare for that. 

I mentioned Anne of Green Gables in my post yesterday.  In the fifth book in the series, Anne's House of Dreams, Anne loses her first baby at birth.  It's such a touching chapter in the book, and the feelings of loss are so poignant and true.  I've thought of this quote many times in the past few months, but for some reason, I hadn't looked it up until now.  I think this quote sums up loss--and the aftermath of loss--beautifully; even though we move on and move forward, we never forget.

"But there was something in the smile that had never been in Anne's smile before and would never be absent from it again" (Anne's House of Dreams, ch. 20).

I now want to go back and re-read the entire series of these beautiful books, but alas, the storage unit has eaten them up for at least a few more months :) I hope to have a daughter someday who will love these books and make them part of her childhood as I did. Yes, I was a voracious, nerdy reader as a child...oh wait, nothing's changed!

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

Loving ICLW

I am truly enjoying my first ICLW! I've found so many beautiful blogs and kindred spirits to follow!  In honor of ICLW, a few things about me...

• I love Anne of Green Gables (see reference to kindred spirits above). My quote to live by: "You've never failed at anything in your life, Anne Shirley." I believe this; even in my current situation, I will not fail.
• My last round of hormones has left me with dark spots on my forehead, like smack dab in the middle of my forehead. As I was getting my eyebrows waxed the other day, my aesthetician said, "well, that wasn't there before. You need microderm abrasion. And a facial." Thanks, woman to whom I pay obscene amounts of money.
• I'm always planning vacations, even if only in my head.  My idea of a dream vacation right now involves a beach, aquamarine water, my DH, and NO OPKs!
• I love my job as a teacher even though I have never warmed to grading essays.
• Cooking is my favorite hobby. I also love to bake, but being that DH and I are forever dieting, I don't bake often, therefore eliminating the temptation to eat whatever I bake.
• My two favorite posts since I've started blogging:
• My little Malachi
• The "I" Word

Happy Tuesday everyone! Thanks for visiting.

Don't Ignore Your Strength

Dear Readers, 

I feel as if I'm finally over my "slump" of the past few days, but in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am going to blog about my struggles and about strength.  I know this post feels "heavy," but I myself am feeling much lighter this Monday afternoon. So proceed in understanding and without worry :)

Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week.  While I know that my situation is small in comparison with that of other women, I will do whatever I can to advocate for myself and on the behalf of women who struggle in silence with infertility.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  Women around you may struggle with infertility silently, because it's not easy to answer the question, "Why aren't you pregnant yet?"

NIAW challenged bloggers with the theme, "Don't Ignore."  Infertility is easy to ignore because it's not an outward condition.  However, it's impossible to ignore for those who suffer from infertility.  Right now I have 2 different OPKs in my purse, hoping against reality that maybe I will be ovulating. And, if I am, I then move to hoping that my right fallopian tube picks up the egg as my left tube does not function. From there, (if I even get there), I hope for a positive test and a pregnancy that lasts longer than 7 weeks.  From one milestone to the next, I would've traveled in silence if it weren't for others I've found on my journey.  We know the impossibility of ignoring our infertility, so let's not ignore the strength it takes us to make it through.

Don't Ignore Your Strength. Lazy mornings are the worst. Trying to overcome those feelings that always seem to lurk beneath the surface--inadequacy, unfairness, depression--all trying to claw their way out of my eyes in the form of tears.  Breaking from these does not mean that I don't cry; it means that I realize why I cry and take control of the situation, sometimes more successfully than others.  Why don't we hear about infertility as often as we hear about easy pregnancies? Because those women are forced to be strong, forced to realize that they have to take charge, because as Zora Neale Hurston said, "the dream is the truth." Women do not accept that their dreams are "forever on the horizon," but instead "act and do things accordingly" to achieve these dreams. What a beautiful image for infertility.  We don't know when our ship of dreams will come ashore, but we must be strong enough to believe that our dream is the truth.

Don't mistake tears for weakness.  Tears mean that we deal with our problems when they are difficult. Tears mean that we are human. Tears mean that we know the strength needed to carry on and that--in that moment--we may feel overwhelmed.  But we dry our tears, go to yet another doctor's appointment, have yet another test done.  This is strength, the strength to chase a dream that feels unattainable.  We can't forget to realize that our journey shows our strength, and our strength shows our resolve.

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.) 
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW) 

Sharing a smile

It's amazing how you can feel fully content at one moment and then be hit by a wave of sadness the next.  I never realized how easily joy and sadness can coexist without anyone ever knowing.  Waking up to this is a rather morose thought, so instead of harping on about it, I wanted to share something very humorous--our future child, according to a photo matching machine.

Note: this child looks nothing like DH and I, and actually seems to have Jay Leno's chin.

This is what we really look like, well, after a day at the beach. 

And this is what our only baby looks like :)



Happy Sunday! Hope this made you smile.  

Welcome ICLW!

This is my first time to participate in International Comment Leaving Week and I'm so excited! I can't wait to have some new blog friends to follow! Welcome everyone!

For my full history, click "my story" above, but for a brief run down...

• Married 5 years this June, started TTC last June
• Chemical pregnancy Aug. 2011
• Miscarriage Dec. 2011, uterine septum diagnosed
• Hysteroscopy for septum removal Jan. 2012, blocked left tube
• 2nd hysteroscopy March 2012 to "check" and remove more septum if necessary--it was; left tube still blocked
• Laparoscopy after septum was diagnosed muscular and vascular, necessitating aggressive septum removal, March 2012; left tube withered, apparently having never functioned

As of now, I've stopped all hormones and I am waiting for my body to ovulate naturally again.  So basically we're trying to learn patience!! 

Thanks for visiting my blog! Have a gander (one of my students' vocab words this week) and enjoy! I look forward to meeting many new bloggers this week!

Fabulous Friday, second installment

TGIF!! I will be "celebrating" another non-ovulatory week by going out with my wonderful DH tonight! But in the meantime (or is it mean time, or does mean time mean like angry time? oh the meanings of mean...) I am going to post my fav things of the week, and try not to consume the 5 leftover cookies on my desk while posting this entry.

My current cocktail obsession: Rosemary lemon "mojito"I don't take credit for this recipe! It's from pinterest, but DH and I are obsessed with it!  And it's not technically a mojito as it has gin and not rum. 

For the simple syrup
◦1/4 cup ground rosemary (use an herb grinder, a coffee grinder or a small food processor)
◦1/2 cup water

◦1/2 cup of sugar

For the Cocktail:

 ◦1 and 1/2 oz of gin

◦3/4 oz rosemary syrup

◦3/4 oz fresh lemon juice (about 1/2 of a lemon, squeezed)

◦Club Soda

◦Sprig of rosemary for garnish

Preparation

• Bring the water to a boil, add the sugar and rosemary and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat and steep the mixture off heat for 45 minutes.
• Strain the syrup through a fine mesh strainer into a container. (The accompanying video has a visual reference for the depth of color that should be achieved; a light golden syrup).
• Fill glass with ice.
• Add gin, lemon and rosemary simple syrup and stir.
• Top with club soda and enjoy

My current home furnishing obsession: claw foot tubs. I told DH this tub should be my reward for remodeling houses. 

Or this...

My current travel obsession: Lake Como. This trip will not happen I know, but I'm obsessed with the thought of going there. Seven years ago I got a daily "Italy" calendar and fell in love with Lake Como. Some day...

Final Blog Score: Cookies: 1, JB: 0.

Pride and Family

Just a quick post before we go sign the official papers to sell our first home!!!

I am obsessed with fertilityfriend.com.  I read all of the posts and look at everyone's pregnancy test pics. Who knows...maybe in the far depths of my brain I believe visualization will help me get a positive test.  Obsession is just part of my personality.  I also like the community of other women dealing with the same issues and asking the same questions and having the same frustrations.  I just read a post about a woman who was upset with someone telling her she was pregnant and then saying, "we weren't even trying!!"  Now, those of you with infertility issues, you know how difficult that is to hear, but for me, seeing that this time didn't upset me.  It made me proud of what I've been through.

I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to go through all of the surgeries and all of the hormones. I'm proud of myself for getting through a few days without thinking of our little angel Malachi or how pregnant I would be right now.  I'm proud of myself when I can think positively about our future rather than dwell on how long it's taking us to get there. I'm proud of how my relationship with DH has grown over the past few months because of our struggles.  I'm proud of the other women out there who share their stories and don't try to hide the fact that sometimes it's hard to get pregnant and sometimes we can't just "relax and let it happen."

My darling sister-in-law is one of those lucky, blessed women who got pregnant easily, "without trying." Seeing my future neice or nephew on that ultrasound made me proud to be a future aunt, and proud of my sis-in-law for having the courage to tell DH and I that she was expecting and proud of her compassion and understanding throughout everything. Even though I can't say I'm thankful for my circumstances, I'm proud of what they're making me and I thank God for the relationships that have formed and been strengthed as a result.

And, on another really awesome note...my younger sister is FINALLY moving home!!! WAHOO!! Can't wait to have my shopping and Gossip Girl buddy back!!

Dear J, Please practice what you preach. Thanks.

After talking to Dr. W. yesterday, I was disheartened.  I knew this was the cycle from hell, but I wasn't prepared for how hellish it was really going to be. le sigh. More waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Oh, and did I mention we're waiting to hear about our bids on two houses. Yes, waiting. imagine that.

As I was laying in bed last night, lamenting (ok, crying) to DH about how utterly frustrated I am, he (as always) was so logical. He said "we're definitely being tested right now," and I thought, yes, this is true. I just reflected and wrote a post about not being afraid, and there I was fearful about the future, fearful about waiting.  I was humbled. I say that I will try not to fear and yet, just later that day, I fear. Like Peter denying Christ three times after he swore he wouldn't do it.  So we are being tested, in our lives and in our faith, because saying we are faithful is much easier than believing in that faith.

I am trying not to fear the waiting game--having DH by my side makes this a little easier :)

Do Not Be Afraid

Hi y'all! I hope that there are some of you still out there reading my blog, despite my hiatus. So, since last post I have: been matron of honor in one of my bestie's weddings, packed and moved all of our belongings, moved in with the in-laws, started the cycle from hell, been accepted to grad school(!!).  PHEW. I am ready for a vacation, which DH says I tell him every day.  The past few weeks truly have been a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm FINALLY done with the hormones, and even though my cycle is royally screwed up as a result, I feel like myself again.  DH said I smiled all day yesterday; guess I was not the most pleasant person to be around when I was pumped with hormones like a non-organic chicken.

This post is a little past due, but I've been wanting to write about our Easter sermon at church.  DH and I have been "church hunting" lately, but we attended Easter service at our church home and LOVED it.  I think we may return home after all.  The title of the sermon was "Do Not Be Afraid," the first words Jesus spoke after He was risen, according to the Gospel of Matthew).  This message resonated with me for so many reasons.  I've had more than enough reasons to be afraid in the past 4 months, starting with the ill-fated visit to the emergency room in December.  Sitting here now, there are still things I'm afraid of--not getting any positive OPKs this month, taking a pregnancy test and it coming back negative, losing another baby--and for me, it's so easy to be overwhelmed by these fears that I fail to live in faith and appreciate what I have now.  I have two loving families. I have a wonderful, caring, devoted husband who wants a baby just as bad as I do. I have a job that has allowed me the time off I've needed. Do Not Be Afraid.

I know that I can't control when the stork finally finds my address or (more realistically) when my right ovary will decide to produce an egg.  Being afraid of this isn't logical; fear doesn't make things happen.  As I've mentioned before, I'm not perfect, and I know my faith and my strength will falter, but I am going to try to heed Christ's words: Do Not Be Afraid.

Now I just need someone to stamp this on my box of OPKs and new box of cheapo pregnancy tests....

Sorry for the hiatus...

but we're moving!  As I've learned over the past four months, patience is not always easy! Don't fret, dear readers, your patience will be rewarded--I will post soon!

J's Tips for Surviving a LAP Surgery

When I began this blog, I was motivated by the blogs that I have found helpful as we've travelled the road to baby. One blog in particular gave tips for getting through laparoscopic surgery. I know this isn't a very scintillating topic for some of you who read my blog, but seriously--this is some of the most helpful information I've found. I don't take credit for all of the tips and none of them are "doctor approved," but they're "patient approved," and probably "husband approved," too. 

With my laparoscopy (Lap), I had 2 incisions: one in my belly button and one right at my right hip bone. Some doctors will do 3 incisions depending on the procedure. My scars are small but noticeable. Fortunately, I now have a scar on my right hip to match the bike accident scar on my left hip.  They're quite a symmetrical pair!  The prep for my lap was just like any surgical prep.  Tip 1: If you're having a lap for infertility reasons, be aware of the possibility of the dr getting in there and having to remove "stuff." Dr. Arrogant told me right before my surgery that he may have to remove my left tube, and I wasn't prepared for that at all.  I told him to consult DH before he did that, though I did have complete trust in Dr. Arrogant that he wouldn't do anything that wasn't "medically necessary." Like I've said before, he's an arrogant man but a brilliantly thorough doctor.

I will say I have had the BEST experience with my surgery center. It's pretty sad, but the nurses and anesthesiologists knew me by name; I guess 4 surgeries in 4 months makes you pretty memorable!  Everyone was so nice and I never had any problems with my anesthesia or my IVs.  I also liked that I could get a hold of the recovery nurse immediately by phone once I left.  Tip 2: Check to see if your surgery center is "In Network" for your insurance before you go in for surgery. Mine wasn't.  Tip 3: Know the surgery center billing staff. If it weren't for their compassion, there's no way we could have afforded all of these procedures.  I called and emailed incessantly and learned that it never hurts to ask for free stuff.

Before the lap: Prepare yourself.

• Shower, do your laundry, because you won't be able to do these things for at least 2 days.
• Make a "nest" of things you think you will want as you recover. You're not going to be able to get up on a whim to get anything for yourself
• Buy GasX and have some prune juice or a stool softener on hand. Straining your muscles down there is painful, so do what you can to make it easier on yourself. The pain meds make you all stopped up.
• Have carbonated beverages ready to go (this helps with the gas pains)

After the lap:

• Wear LOOSE clothing to your surgery. You won't want to feel anything on your scars or on your belly. I stayed in sweats/pajamas for 4 days, and even then, I wore dresses for 2 weeks after my surgery. It's just not comfortable to have anything pressing against you.
• Bring a pillow to cushion your belly from the seat belt on the way home. This was one of the best tips I got--it was a lifesaver! DH is a very careful driver, but even so, I loved having my pillow there.
• Take your pain meds. I'm a fairly small person and I was taking 2 vicodin every 4 hours. Don't let the pain get ahead of you. Dr. Arrogant also told me to take 2 IBs with every meal to lessen my cramping.
• Have someone there to help you for at least 24 hours. You won't be able to pull yourself out of bed or even get out of a chair by yourself. Tummy muscles were VERY, very sore.

Be Aware That...

• You may have the worst gas pains you've ever felt During a lap, they blow your belly up with gas.  Most of the gas is taken out, but the residual gas is horrid. I had gas pains from my belly through my right hip/ribs and in my shoulders.  Two days after my surgery, I couldn't even lay on my back the pain was so bad.  I called the nurse and she said to walk around and drink something carbonated. This really, really helped.  The more gas you can circulate, the better.  It felt like someone was stabbing my rib cage. The pain was so bad I couldn't breathe--I don't want to scare you, but be prepared. Honestly, all I wanted to do was pass gas. This is NOT a lady-like thing, I know!  DH would clap every time I pooted just because I felt so much better. And really, it's not icky gas; it's the gas they pump in to you during surgery!
• You will bleed, a lot.  I bled heavily for 6 days afterwards. Have pads ready.
• I had to have a balloon put in my uterus to keep the septum from reattaching. If you have to have something like this, be aware that the string will come out. It's similar to a tampon, but rubber. SO WEIRD! DH asked Dr. Arrogant if the balloon would have to be blown up; I just asked what color it was :) The balloon was removed 5 days after the procedure--this didn't hurt at all.

Overall, the gas pain was the worst part. I was up and around 5 days after my surgery, feeling well enough to meet my friend for drinks.  To me, this was all worth it to make my uterus a fluffy place for my future lil embryo!

And So We Begin...

...several new journies at once!

Cycle day 1! WAHOO!!! Finally! I have been waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for April to get here, well really, waiting for any month that had the possibility of babymaking in it.  I know it means back to the charting, and the OPKs, but I'm ok with it because it means progress and moving forward. 

Poor DH has definitely had to deal with my roller coaster emotions this past weekend.  Friday's funk didn't really lift until Sunday morning, so I was not a terribly pleasant person to be around this weekend, though I do blame the Provera more than I blame myself.  For the ladies out there struggling with infertility and loss--I pray that you have wonderful, supportive significant others in your lives.  I know in the very depths of my heart that I couldn't do this without DH.  He is logical but understanding, holding me while I cry but asking if I know what I'm crying about, trying to help me see the bright side (or more often just the rational side).  He's always ready to cheer at the first sign of moving on.  He understands when I can't bear to go out or see other people because I just can't muster the strength to smile or even fake smile.  His were the strong arms that lifted me out of bed when I couldn't pull myself up after surgery.  In the past 5 months, I feel like I have gotten to know him more than I did in the past four and a half years of being married to him.  He's a remarkable person with an endless store of strength in the hardest of times. If I am lucky enough to have a son like him someday, it will be the greatest blessing I could ask for.

Speaking of blessings, our little home has sold!  We only had it on the market for about two weeks, and now our closing date is two and a half weeks away.  Packing our first home is definitely bitter sweet. I know we're moving on for good reasons, but seeing the empty walls definitely makes me feel a little empty inside. In retrospect, there's no way we could have remodeled our home and gotten it ready to sell had I been pregnant during this time (I would have been 22 weeks today), so to me, it's just another little nudge from God saying "see, I told ya" (as said in Simba's voice in the Lion King). 

Because we haven't found a place to live yet, April 19 will find us vagabonds, traveling from one set of parents to the other and inhabiting their currently-vacant upstairs spaces.  I adore my in-laws and I pretty much have the best parents in the world, so staying with them isn't a problem.  However, I will miss my space, my HOME, my kitchen.  Walking in to my home and breathing a sigh of relief that I made it through another day.  I think the word home has such a different connotation than the word house, and the feelings and emotions associated with home are what I am truly going to miss.  Add to all of this that we are trying to conceive (regardless of time or place--that positive OPK takes precedence!), and everything gets just that much more interesting.

And finally, thanks to all of y'all out there who take the time to read my blog :)