Musings on 6 weeks, 4 days

I couldn't help but think about our little Malachi today, 6w4d into our new journey.  I miss him, even though he was only mine for 6w4d.  Despite how happy I was to see our Baby B today, I can't help but wonder what I would be feeling like right now, if Malachi hadn't grown his wings.  I believe that he was our messenger, our little angel whose passing meant that we found out my issues and were able to treat them.  But I still miss him. I wonder if I will ever stop missing him or remembering him.  I don't know if all the babies in the world can mend that little fissure in my heart that Malachi left, or maybe took with him, like Anne in Anne of Green Gables. 

Malachi is also the reason I am still cautiously optimisitc.  Even though Baby B looks great, little heart beating, I'm still cautiously guarding my heart.  DH asked if I would be calmer after today. Yes and no.  I'm not actively worrying about every little thing, but their is still a tug on my heart, maybe a little scar tissue from being hurt before.  When we're young, we jump into love with both feet.  We throw out "I love yous" like parade beads, and like thrown parade beads, we don't necessarily get anything in return.  And so we are heartbroken, and we move on.  We learn and though we still make mistakes in love, they're never as frivolous as the first mistakes we make.  And even when we find our mate, that scar tissue is still there, still a reminder.  Just like loss and new pregnancy. 

Every day is another day, and I am so happy to be on this new journey.  I welcome what the coming weeks bring.  I know I can't do anything to stop fate; I also have faith that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I will still be anxious before every appointment, especially the scans at 12 weeks, but I am happy. I am smiling.  And today, I heard the baby's heartbeat.  Today, I am pregnant.

The case of the melted meds

I am, quite simply, a very silly girl.  A little back story...

Progesterone level dropped last week--18 to 14.4 which I was told not to worry about--so Dr. W. put me on another supplement, an oral supplement to supplement the suppositories I already take 3xs a day (side note: thong panty liners are the best invention EVER).  I was worried about this, despite what Favorite Nurse said, but after calling her back, my mind was definitely put at ease.  So I am of course very diligent in taking these because I want little Baby B to get all the hormones it needs. 

Now to present time.  Summer is here in all its 100 degree glory.  I left my new meds in the back of my car for oh...7 hours yesterday.  They promptly stuck together.  The package information that I usually don't read because "stroke" as a side effect doesn't sound very pleasant informed me that I should not let this medicine be in temps past 86 degrees for more than a short period of time.  Oops. 

Pharmacy just informed me I can't use this medicine anymore.  Oops.  More money in the trashcan.  Now I'm just praying that the insurance company overrides that once-a-month thing because of my general stupidity.  And that I didn't damage Baby B with overheated progesterone pills last night and this morning. 

In other news, bawled this morning at work over textbooks. That's fun.  Oh and Baby B has another appointment on Wednesday. Fingers and toes crossed that there's a strong heartbeat.  I will be 6w4d, the exact day that Malachi left us last December. I feel like it's a paradox to both look forward to a day with so much excitement and fear.

The Blob Lives!

We saw Baby Blob this morning for the first time. Yolk sac and tiny baby with tiny little fluttering heart. Measuring 5w6d, 106bpm, right on track. Just a short update. I cannot tell you how much all of your thoughts and prayers have meant to me. I spent yesterday much calmer than I have been in days.

And to Court if you stop by, praying for your ET. Can't wait for an update!

Today I am...

**This post contains very sensitive pregnancy related information.

If you know me in real life, please keep this information confidential**

(in the name of positivity, I changed the formerly-depressing title of my post)

Today, I am pregnant. This is my mantra, the words I've had to repeat to myself over and over.  Despite this soothing mantra, despite 4 different blood draws that have shown beautifully doubling betas, I am scared.  The numbers do nothing to soothe my heart or my head. 

I keep thinking, what if? All of these beautiful, wonderful women that I have "met" through blogging deserve babies and yet they don't have them.  So how can I be hopeful? How can I easily believe that this baby will be our baby, our little February miracle?

My head is a battlefield, the emotional side trying to convince the logical side to be happy! just live! you're pregnant! But the logical side just won't listen. Logic says, you know what empty ultrasounds look like. Your uterus was basically cut in half by a septum.  What if Dr. W. wasn't as wonderful as you thought?

I hate logic. I just want to be content with today and at peace with tomorrow. 

I'm finding this peace so difficult to come by.  My symptoms come and go, and this freaks me out.  My boobs hurt for a week, and now nothing (though I do fill out an A cup now! woohoo!).  I woke up at 4am thinking, oh man, maybe my boobs shrank? I keep asking myself, am I peeing as much as I was yesterday? "Maybe you should write down the time each time you pee. Then you would know for sure!" says the really crazy J.  Am I tired enough to warrant a real pregnancy? Is the nauseous feeling something I make up, or is it real? Should I be sicker? Would that mean everything's ok? Do other women with successful pregnancies not have many symptoms?

I'm so tired of thinking.  In many ways, I do miss being blissfully ignorant. 

I have been hesitant to write a post about betas or anything relating to pregnancy for several reasons. It's very early and anything could happen.  Also, I know what a sensitive topic it can be for those grieving loss, and I never want to seem flippant about that, never want to forget what we've been through. I guess the main reason I'm writing this post today, though, is because I have my first ultrasound tomorrow, 5w5d.  I.am.petrified.  Honestly, I could really use positive thoughts and prayers from the community I've found here through blogs. We know we most likely won't see a heartbeat tomorrow; all we want is a sac that measures well. 

Positivity is not coming easy, but I feel I owe that to Baby Blob. I don't want Blob to feel my anxiety.  Blob deserves positivity and love, for as long or as short as his life is. 

Tomorrow, I hope the ultrasound confirms the hope trying to seep into my heart.

Do Over

As some of you know, I will be starting grad school in August, part time, since I am still a full time school employee.  I decided it may be prudent of me to apply for scholarships.  Since medical bills ate my whole savings account, every little bit of extra money helps.  The scholarship journey is interesting.  There are not too many scholarships (that I have found) for just grad students.  So I am competing against high school seniors. Ha. As if any of their life experiences can beat mine.  My uber competitiveness kicks in and I am now applying for every scholarship I can because I am SOOO much better than high school students, of course.  Which really isn't the case; I've taught many students who write far better than I do, but I try to push that thought away in favor of winning. 

One of the essay prompts was: if you could choose one thing in your life to "do over," what would it be?  I wrote this:

December 2, 2011. There was no heartbeat on the screen, no blip to reveal that there was still life inside of me. How could I have been so naïve, so innocent as to believe that everything would be easy after the first few weeks? I hated myself for not realizing the possibilities. I hated that I was one of those women who thought that having a living baby was a fact—get pregnant, have baby. No questions asked. But I believed. I had too much hope, too much naivety. As my husband and I grieved the loss of our unborn child, I realized that I would not change what happened. I am a stronger and more empathetic than I have ever been. We didn’t know at the time that our loss would lead to months of surgeries. Again, I would not change this. I have learned what a precious gift life is.



I would, however, have changed my innocence.


I wish that I could go back to my November self and tell her to guard her feelings cautiously. Don’t be naïve; be a realist. This doesn’t mean to think pessimistically, but simply to realize all possibilities. Hope is a dangerous drug. Too much masks what dangers may lay beneath the surface while too little leaves depression and sadness in its wake. I am no longer the innocent girl that I was. If ignorance is bliss, what is knowledge? Pain, suffering, worry.

What breaks my heart for everyone in the IF world is how true it is that innocence is stolen.  Ultrasounds aren't happy places where baby heartbeats flutter; they have become scary, cold, clinical exams that show empty places where babies should be or should have been.  I see ultrasound photos and think, "my what a perfect uterus she has," not "my, how exciting to have a baby."  Ultimately, is it better to have lost this innocence? Are we now more prepared for life? Does the strength we've been forced to have make us better women, and (hopefully) someday better mothers? 

I have to believe it does.

Five Years!

Last Saturday, DH and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary (and a year of TTC). 

I truly can't believe we've been married 5 years.  This past year has definitely been the most challenging with our house and our fertility issues, but I don't think I've ever loved him as much as I do now.  We have grown in so many ways.  A little back story...

DH and I dated for 8 whole months in 10th grade.  Then, he broke up with me.  He wanted to be a 16 year old boy and do 16 year old boy things.  We didn't speak for the following 6 years, during which I seriously dated and almost got engaged to a different person.  We both graduated college in 2005 and moved back to our Home Town where I had a teaching job.  DH's mom was also a teacher and said she "saw my name" on the district email list and decided to say hi.  Well, this led to DH and I going on a date, a date that I was sure would end disastrously.  The only reason I went on this date was to show DH what an ass he'd been in high school and what he'd lost--very look-at-me-now-haha. (kind of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when when she takes all her new clothes to the clothing store that shunned her). But he'd changed. He was no longer an arrogant 16 year old.  And I guess the rest is history, and of course I found out that he'd put his mom up to emailing me because I was always the girl who got away. 

Now, almost 7 years after our second first date, I know how lucky I am to be married to someone who thinks like me, who is as independent as me, who I can be myself around.  He's my best friend.  On that note...some pictures of our weekend getaway.

 

Lodge style room at our B&B



The local German bar--the Pig and Whistle (this was a very small town)

 

Picnic by the lake; yes, we ate KFC!!


 

Happy hour on the porch at the B&B



Update to previous post...

We lost the house.  We now have to pursue matters legally because the contract was breached.

I'm not really comfortable sharing news about my betas on my blog right now.  I would appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, though :) For those of you I've been following and vice versa, you're welcome to email me at jmb(at)gmail(dot)com. 

Thank you to all my blog friends out there for your thoughts today. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Horribly, horribly in limbo

Just a brief request: please, please send prayers and positive thoughts our way today.  Our house deal may fall through. We learned this yesterday at 8:45 am :(  It has nothing to do with us and it's a long story, but, we are legally correct and will most likely have to decide whether we take the sellers to court or not.

In other news...I have bloodwork with Dr. W. today at 8:15 am. Please, God, let something go right today. 

The Week Ahead

I probably won't have too much time to post this week; DH and I have a very busy and exciting week ahead of us! 


• Close on new house on Tuesday. I would LOVE to share pics as soon as the pink carpet is gone. This is a remodel project (a flip house as some would say) so I'm a little embarrassed by it right now. After shopping for granite, backsplash, appliances, wood flooring, and light fixtures this weekend, though, I can't WAIT to see what it turns into

  

  My really awesome new over-the-kitchen-sink light fixture.
  Ignore the price--it was clearance

  Wednesday/Thursday: unload POD into new house garage.  Ugh. This is the part I hate. I already reminded DH that my box of candles must not be left in the garage in the summer heat or it will turn in to a big box of wax. 
• Friday/Saturday: 5 year anniversary trip! 2 nights in a B&B, picnic by the lake, and just relaxing in general
• Sunday: Dad's birthday and make new house at least livable for DH. I will be staying with mom and dad at least until the pink carpets are gone and the tile floors have been demolished. 

The underlying current of the whole week, though, is the fact that I'm in the 2nd week of my 2ww. I haven't tested yet but I will test this week.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up and preparing myself for a stark white test.  No sore boobs yet, like, at all. I'm pretty sure they've even gotten smaller.  The only abnormal thing right now is the crazy heartburn I've had for about a week.  After everything I eat, I get heartburn.  Who knows.  Dandelion Breeze is also in her 2WW; she's been in my thoughts and prayers lately, and I am truly hoping that this is her cycle, that this IVF was successful.  Stop by her blog and leave some support.

This weekend, DH and I made the decision to call our specialist if AF shows up. I'm ready for the next step (which will most likely be Clomid). After a year, it's just time to explore these options.  Hopefully this week's test will make this step null and void, but I'm not very positive about that. Ha, pun intended.