On Patience and Not Always Knowing it All

My cousin-in-law and her husband (my cousin) will journey to Ethiopia this week to meet their son.  They are adopting him after years of struggling with unexplained infertility.  Something about her journey really resonates with me. She is one of the most adoring, genuine women I know.  She is kind, open-hearted, and has such a sweet spirit.  She is going to make an amazing mother and I'm so excited for her. 

I can't imagine what she's feeling right now. Anticipation, excitement, anxiety.  She gets to hold her son for the first time.  Even though she can't take him home yet, she gets to meet her child.  The child that she has wanted for so long.  I know this road has not been easy for them.  They have had to have so much patience to get here, and I'm sure that at times it's been frustrating not knowing when they were going to get their baby and then when their court date would be set.  What a true show of faith, hope, and patience.

I wish I could say that even in my "easy" journey to motherhood and now four months in that I have shown such strength.  A little over a year ago I posted about my love/hate relationship with Fertility Friend.  I always wanted to know it all. WHEN was I going to ovulate.  Do my symptoms compare with others, could this or that show that I'm pregnant.  Then I got pregnant and I wanted to know even more.  Is the heartbeat too slow, too fast, too rhythmic.  Is he moving enough, too much, too little.  Am I eating the right things to make him strong and smart.  And now, I'm a mom, and I still yearn to know it all.  Is he eating enough, too much. Is it gas? Am I producing enough milk? Is he teething? How do I know? Is this a growth spurt, developmental, physical? 

For each of these stages, I've researched obsessively. I've joined birth clubs and asked other moms.  I recently downloaded the Wonder Weeks app only to find that D is smack dab in the middle of one of the biggest developmental leaps.  Does this solve his fussiness? No, but something about knowing that he's there makes him easier to handle.  I always feel that way: if I can just know more, I'll be ok.

But when does knowing more stop? Or moreover, when is knowing more a bad thing?  I overanalyze everything, always looking for an explanation or an answer.  I find myself doing this so much that I forget to live in the moment and enjoy my son, even at his fussiest.  I ask my mom why, I ask myself why, I ask D why and really, I come up with no answers besides he's a baby.  My cousins have endured many moments where they've known nothing about their son, and they had nowhere to turn, no app to explain what was going on, no message board that could tell them what it would be like to embark on this journey.  And they're still coming out ok, more than ok, because in the next few days, they will hold the product of their patience.  A precious son. 

And I'll end with a pic. In a rare moment of non-fussiness, D found his feet.

Monster Baby

I play this game with D where I stand him up and say in a very weird, German-man-esque voice, "I am a monster baby and I am going to crush your town with my giant monster baby legs!" Weird, I know.  But little did I know that my beautiful, happy, chatty baby would soon evolve into a monster baby.

Teething + four month sleep regression = monster D.

I'm pretty sure that we are officially in teething territory.  Massive amounts of drool, pulling on the ears, snuffly nose, wanting to chew on everything.  Last night, though, we had blood curdling screaming along with this.  D has never been inconsolable, even as a newborn, so last night's crying episodes lead me to believe he's teething.  Poor, poor baby.  These are the kind of screams that make your heart and your tummy hurt, where the baby's whole body goes rigid and the arms and legs are flailed out, even when you're holding them.  Thank goodness I was at my mom's because I probably would've freaked out. 

We gave him some Tylenol, a bath, and a boob and put him to bed.  He woke up at 11:30, 12:30, and then 6. For a baby who usually sleeps 8-6, this is not a normal routine.  In his sleep, he scratched the outer part of his ear so hard he made himself bleed. 

Now, I've never had a baby before, but I think this may be teething behavior.  There's a theory out there that babies go through a four month sleep regression because they're developing so much mentally at this stage, and I think we've hit that too.  Usually D's naps are wonderful. I can lay him down and he makes no peep for an hour or two, but lately, he wakes up multiple times during his naps and I have to go put his paci in and calm him down so he goes back to sleep.  I feel like all of these sleep disturbances are also making him a fuss bucket. 

I don't want him to grow up too quickly, but I would definitely like for this four month sleep regression to stop. D's spoiled me with this good sleep, so I'd like it back!  I'm one tired momma.  With Sparky gone four days a week and grad school back in full swing, I'm pretty worn out and WAY ready for our vacation next week. Being a "single" parent is incredibly difficult.  Props to women who do it.