#MicroblogMondays 18: here we go

Well, baby boy will be here today. In typing this from my hospital bed, waiting for the nurse to start the pitocin drip. 

Nervous and excited to meet Cameron Louis. 

Happy last Monday of 2014!

#MicroblogMondays 16: does it still make you sad?

One of my BILs was over watching football yesterday and we happened to get on the topic of babies and loss. He asked: does it [my loss] still make you sad, do you still think about it now that you have D and another baby on the way?

The short answer: no, I'm not sad every day all the time about losing Malachi, but there are days (like 2 weeks ago on the 3 year anniversary of our loss) that I do remember him, and I am sad.

The long answer: that loss fundamentally changed me, but not just the loss--the whole experience of loss, infertility, and conception after loss--THAT'S what I think about, not daily, but often.

What truly makes me sad, for myself, for my SIL, and for anyone else who has experienced loss and infertility is the stripping of the innocence and joy of being pregnant.  And my heart breaks for those who are irrevocably marred by that sobering realization.

#MicroblogMondays 15: I whip my hair back and forth

I have curly hair--c-c-c-curly as Carrie Bradshaw would say. I didn't embrace my curls until late college, and I've spent these past 8 years growing my curls into variations of lengths, but never shorter than my shoulders.  I think I was traumatized after chopping my locks in high school, much to the dismay of my now-husband who said he "hated" that haircut in high school (mind you, we had dated and broken up, and we didn't speak for six years, so that haircut had absolutely no bearing on him).

Well, at 37 weeks pregnant, I decided I needed to feel pretty and pampered before Baby Boy #2 comes on the scene and I have no more time ever end of story.  I went to my tried-and-true hair stylist who specializes in curly hair, and I showed her a picture and she said ok I'm cutting it "here," motioning below my shoulders, still a good 4 inches to cut off.  I said OK! and bam, it was done. However, if you have curly hair, you know that curly hair straight and wet is NOT curly hair dry.  Upon drying my hair, below shoulders suddenly became much, much shorter.  And I cried. Not in the chair, but when I got home.  I've never been that attached to my hair, but suddenly not feeling those curls hanging down my back was a traumatizing experience.  I love long hair; I love the options of buns and updos, and I regularly twist my hair into various styles and pride myself on my ability to do so without professional help.

I don't know why the change shocked me so much, but I felt terrible about myself.  I woke up Sunday morning wishing it had grown back but it hadn't.  I showered and washed it and styled it and well, now I actually love it.  It's very Carrie Bradshaw, season 5, a look I always said I wanted, if I was brave enough to try it.  I guess I was brave enough, just not by my own doing.

I think Baby Boy #2 is a similar experience.  I'm excited for the change and for him to be here, but I also think there will be a period where I will feel that oh-my-goodness-what-have-we-done.  But when it's all said and done and washed and styled, I know we will not remember or miss our lives without him.

(sorry it's a little longer than a #MicroblogMondays.  Wondering what that is? See the inaugural post here)

Waiting in the wings

I'm still here, waiting in the wings for something that feels post-worthy. Between D's double ear infection and my subsequent sinus infection from hell, I haven't really had the mind to write.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving, despite illness, and I'm looking forward to the next few weeks of Christmas gatherings before baby is scheduled to make his appearance.  I'm fine with him waiting until his due date to come; I'd (selfishly) like to enjoy Christmas with Sparky and D.  And of course, now that I've said that, I'm sure baby boy will come sooner.

Probably the most exciting news is that I'll be a part-time stay at home mom starting in January.  I won't actually be going into my office at all...at least on a scheduled basis. Instead, I'll work from home 3 days a week while D goes to school 3 days a week full-time.  I'm excited that baby boy 2 will get some one-on-one time with me, but I'm also petrified that I won't be good at the whole stay at home mom thing. What if I suck at it? What if my temper is on edge? I mean, D is a toddler...

More about that when my head is less foggy and I can think enough to write down my true feelings :)

xo, and happy weekending

#MicroblogMondays 12: used to be

Sometimes I think my college-self was way smarter than my post-college, administrator/teacher/wife/mother self. I'll read back through literary analyses that I wrote in college and think, man, that was some good stuff!  Perhaps even better than what I wrote when I was getting my M.Ed.  

I love being in education, but I do miss reveling in literature, seeing what others don't see.  Maybe that's just a gratuitous past time that paved the way to who I am today, but there are days I miss who I used to be, that college-self, able to spend hours discussing T.S. Eliot, measuring my life by coffee spoons.  

Wondering about #MicroblogMondays? Click here to read the inaugural post 

#MicroblogMondays: a brief pause

I started to write about the craziness that is my life right now, but then I realized....let me just step back--for just a moment--and be thankful for what makes my life crazy. Despite the diaper rash from hell, despite the ongoing bathroom remodel, this is my life, and I am forever grateful that I get to live it and that I get to be a momma to these 2 boys and a wife to an amazing man. 

Curious about #MicroblogMondays? Read the inaugural post here 

#MicroblogMondays--toddlers and Dickens

When Dickens penned the now-trite phrase, "it was the best of times; it was the worst of times," I'm pretty sure he was talking about toddlerdom.  Last week Daniel had both Sparky and I questioning if we were the worst parents in the world; temper tantrums, sleepless days, and a miserable lack of eating at dinner time (thank God for hotdogs)--we surely had to be doing something wrong.  Don't even think about taking him out anywhere because you would pretty much guarantee a public breakdown, Brittney Spears' style.

Yesterday, after picking D up from my mom's, I could've sworn she gave us the wrong child.  We actually WATCHED a football game at our friend's house while D played happily with the cats, the dog, the ottoman, the videos on my cell phone, and everyone else around him.  Sparks and I just looked at each other thinking, WHO IS THIS CHILD?!  He was funny and cute and--gasp--easy.

A lovely Sunday memory to start our week :)

he was entertaining himself by pretending to fall of the ottoman and cry

What is #MicroblogMondays?  Read the inaugural post here

#MicroblogMondays 8

We are taking away D's paci in T-minus 2 weeks. I'm scared to death.  He only has it for naps and bedtime, but he's transitioned so well through everything else that I think we're due for a sh*t storm after this one.

32 weeks pregnant and taking away the toddler's safety blanket? Sure, sounds like a fabulous idea.

what is #MicroblogMondays? Click here to read the inaugural post

#MicroblogMondays--wave of light

Wednesday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Not that many of us need a day to force us to remember the loss of our baby or babies, because that loss is always with us, always lurking around the corners of our minds.

This Wednesday, I will light a candle for our Malachi Erik, for my nephew Myles Austin, for my friend who has now lost four pregnancies, and for every other family out there who has experienced the pain, suffering, grief, anger and absolute heartbreak that loss brings.

We love you, Malachi Erik. You did change our lives--despite the pain--and I will never forget seeing or hearing your heartbeat.

Want to know more about #microblogMondays? Read the inaugural post here 

Oops. It's not Monday anymore

I missed #MicroblogMondays because I was at a conference. With no wifi. No, seriously, they purposefully didn't want us to have wifi so we paid attention. It worked for me because we're out of data for the month on our cell plan so I really didn't access anything for about 24 hours.

So here's my brief, what-I've-been-up to.

• welcomed the third trimester (seriously, where has time gone)
• gotten closer to deciding on a name for boy #2, who I affectionately refer to as Two
• attended my first professional development for principals where I stayed in a crappy hotel, much to my dismay because I REALLY love hotels.
• mourned the loss of my nephew due to anencephaly.  We will be remembering him at a tree planting ceremony in a couple of weeks. Please keep our family in your thoughts. This is their second loss since they've been trying to conceive. 
• run 2 miles straight, 2 days in a row! (2 weeks away from my 30 week goal)
• tried (somewhat successfully) to make healthy, homemade toddler food that my toddler will eat
• dealt with a terrible toddler ear infection
• moved said toddler to big boy bed--quite a seamless transition actually!
• finished Gone Girl just in time to see the movie.  Liked the book, minus the ending. Anyone read it?

I guess that's about it. We have my niece's 2nd birthday party on Saturday, and on Friday, I'll be visiting 3 of my college friends and I can't WAIT!  Sparky and I are also hoping to finish Two's nursery this weekend, and I will start sorting tiny baby clothes at that time. My goal is to be completely done by November 1 so we can enjoy the holidays.  And Sparky must also finish the upstairs bathroom remodel...yeah, our upstairs is a disaster right now.  

See you next Monday

#MicroblogMondays #5--Motionless

In the face of tragedy, I can find no words to express the depth of my heartbreak. There are no words that can convey how helpless I feel to take away someone's pain and suffering.

I am grieving with you for the loss of your little boy who will never have the chance to grow up, who will never outwardly experience the love that you feel for him.  

Forever in my heart.

#MicroblogMonday #4 Where's Fall?

Wondering about #MicroblogMondays? Read the rationale behind it here. 

It's still in the 90s here. It's the first day of fall, and it's disgustingly humid and hot. But technically, fall starts at 9:29 pm, according to our weatherman.  It could've been 9:29 am; I was multi-tasking. In lieu of the fall weather which has apparently boycotted us, I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and decorated my house for fall. At least inside it can feel like fall.

My favorite kitchen helper these days, eating some pumpkin cookie batter and clearly enjoying it.  I LOVE having him in the kitchen and can't wait to teach him how to make pie crust.

#MicroblogMondays: Toddler-562, JB-0

Want to know what #MicroblogMondays is all about? See this post here

I cried no fewer than 3 times this weekend and questioned myself as a mother about 100 times more than that. Toddler-dome is like David vs. Goliath, and I think I'm David.

I feel like the most common words out of my mouth are "uh-uh Daniel," or "don't do that" or "on your bottom on the couch" or "no buttons right now" or "please eat nicely." And I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter what I say or how much I say it, because it's met by the same response by Daniel: nothing, or looking at me KNOWING that he's doing something he's not supposed to and just continuing to do it.

I'm sure in the future I will be happy to have raised such a strong-willed, independent young man, but right now, I feel like I'm just trying to  stay consistent and survive.

If I let him do this all day, he'd be happy

#MicroblogMondays 2

My family is growing by 3. D will soon have 2 more cousins. 

This is a moment in time I never want to forget; this may not ever happen again.

I'm not sure what I would do without my family.

37w, 14w, 24w 

#microblogmondays here we go!

I plan on giving the baby (ok, he's 18 months old but still my baby) chicken nuggets and broccoli for dinner. I have no energy to be creative tonight. I feel guilty, yet relieved that I'm not cooking 2 dinners. If only I could stop putting so much stress on myself to do it all. If only babies could eat salad...

(Thanks Mel @ Stirrup Queens for #microblogmondays. Love it)

On Being 29 again, for the 3rd time

Firstly, I realize that I forgot to reveal the results of our gender reveal...BOY #2 will be joining us in December! I couldn't be happier to have another lil boy in our family, and I can't wait to see how Daniel grows into his role as big brother.  We did a scavenger hunt for our reveal--pic at the bottom.  We don't have a name yet, except for a middle name--Louis--after my maternal grandfather.  His real name was Luigi (born in Sicily) and he went by Louie short for Louis after moving to America, but we thought Luigi just a little to "Mario-esque" for a middle name.

*************

Today, I am 31.  31.  I can't quite believe that I'm 31, and I feel no different than I did at 29, just maybe a little more pregnant and a little wiser.  I told Sparky the other night that the theory of relativity sure does suck.  We wish so many years away and count the years towards our milestones..10, 16, 18, 21, marriage, baby, buy a house, check check check.  And then suddenly, I'm 31 and wishing I hadn't wished so many years away or lived anticipating the next moment rather than enjoying the one I was in.  (insert sappy country song here)

I think having Daniel has made me enjoy the little moments more because once they happen, they're gone and then you have a toddler running around the house saying "elbow" and "cheerio," not a squishy infant lying in your arms.  Last night after reading Daniel his bedtime story, he laid his head on my chest--so I rocked him.  We typically just lay him in his crib and say night night, but I didn't.  I looked up at Sparky with sad eyes, and I told him that this won't happen much more, my son's desire to be cuddled and held and rocked by his momma. I wanted to be in that moment, not wish it away.  If only those moments would last forever outside of the relativity of time.  Because the things that we cherish most always seem to be the most fleeting.

  

Back in March, I wrote a couple of posts regarding my college roommate who lost two of her three little girls in a devastating car accident.  I can honestly say that not a day has gone by since then that I have not thought of her or her family or those two little girls.  If only relativity didn't apply and she could speed up time, away from the grief that I know she experiences every day.  Or is that one of those things that is not relative because no matter how far away from it you are, it's still the most real, vivid memory in your life.  How many moments does she wish she hadn't wished away? Crying babies, long nights with 3 girls under 5 years old--things that ruled her life at the time seem that probably seem so insignificant now.  And why can't we force ourselves to slow down and cherish even the difficult times, why does it take a tragedy to make us realize the temporal quality of time? I don't know. 

I wish that weekends were longer and vacations more full, that sleepy babies stayed sleepy little babies longer, but I don't think I'd wish 31 away.  Maybe time could just slow down so I can remember to enjoy each precious moment, each precious baby kiss just a little more, savor it like a fine wine. But at the end of the day, we drink the wine, and if we're lucky, that baby becomes a young man who still kisses his momma.

Tonight I will enjoy every moment of a nice birthday dinner with my husband and a few sips of my favorite wine.  I want 31 to be about the moments, not just about anticipating the big events.  

Happy birthday, happy birthday to me.   

Big Brother

announcement. His faces are priceless

One tiny note

I mentioned the other day in my post how all you see on social media are "happy babies and blessed mothers," and I wanted to say...that's wonderful. I LOVE that my newsfeed is full of precious babies and their beautiful mommas. There is NOTHING wrong with that, and I wish that every momma had a precious, happy baby all the time.  I wasn't saying that we shouldn't feel blessed and love our children or ourselves or that we should dwell on all the bad things instead of the good things; all I was saying was that mommyhood can be a lonely place when you feel like your child is the only one who's picky/cranky/constantly teething/not sleeping/etc.  I love the community I've found here, and I think that it's amazing so many in my blog feed have babies around the same age.  I find solace and comfort in reading your  blogs and knowing that as alone as I may feel, y'all are going through the same thing.

Every day I have with Daniel is a blessing. I would not say that waking up at 6 am is a blessing, but he is, and every moment with him is precious.  I try to remember that even in the midst of his tantrum or his desire to eat only watermelon, which he calls "mama."  Because those fits are worth it when he looks at me and plays with my hair and smiles, and grabs my necklace and says "pretty."

We have our 12 week appointment today for Baby 2 (I'm 13w2d), and we are doing our NT scan and basic trisonomy testing.  I am super nervous, so any extra positive thoughts and prayers you can spare would be appreciated.

And don't stop posting pictures of precious babies and happy mommas :)

Worries and Honesty

Thanks to THIS POST and THIS POST for the inspiration to write about reality, not sugar-coated life.  Life with a toddler is hard.  Not every day, but a lot of days.  Daniel is a great kid. He's smart and happy (most of the time) but we still struggle.

Meals: he doesn't always want to eat what I give him.  And yes, sometimes I give in and give him fish sticks or chicken nuggets just so he will eat.  He likes broccoli, so most of his meals have broccoli. It's easier than peas ending up all over my floor.

Sleep: overall, a great sleeper. BUT he wakes up at 6:15, EVERY MORNING.  Not just awake, but screaming his head off in his crib. It's incredibly unpleasant.

Temperament: Both Sparky and I are independent, and can be strong willed, so really, D's behavior shouldn't surprise me.  He wants what HE wants when HE wants it.  He wants keys? He'll scream until he gets keys.  He wants a snack? He'll cry "naaaaa" "naaaa" until you let him in the pantry to get a snack, which he then proceeds to either feed to the dog or spill all over the floor.  He's tired? Well don't even try anything but putting him to bed.  At restaurants, he's good while he's eating, and then he wants to walk around and play, or he'll make your meal a living hell.  We don't give into his tantrums, so there are a lot of times that I have a very unhappy, whiny, crying baby walking around the house.  This is probably my biggest challenge. My niece is so happy and docile all the time, but not Daniel. He doesn't sit still. He doesn't stop moving EVER.  He won't sit and watch TV or play with an iPad or anything like that.  The longest he sits still is when he's eating.  So of course, I worry, did I do something wrong? Or is he just a 16 month old boy?

Development: Overall, he's awesome.  He comprehends everything (put your books away, give the dog her treat, pick up your milk, etc).  But he's not incredibly vocal.  He knows how to say the words but refuses to say them.  I guess this is normal, but again, my niece(5 months older, so 21 months) can say short sentences and pronounce all of our names.

All parents worry, but no one talks about that.  All we see on Facebook are happy babies and blessed mothers, but what about the hard times when milk is spilled all over the floor and your house looks like a tornado blew threw and you haven't cleaned toilets in weeks because you just can't find the time? What about the guilt about falling asleep on the couch right after you eat dinner and not having any time to talk to your husband? That's reality for me these days, and as much as I hate it, I am exhausted.  I guess no one wants to hear about that, until they do, until they need the reassurance that they are normal.  Not everyone can be super mom, with the perfect house and the perfect chevron-striped paper straws that match every party occasion and the children that can eat pasta without getting a speck of it on their monogrammed polo shirt.

Keys AND phone in this picture

The same but different

I always feel very nostalgic at the end of the school year.  Even though I work year-round (administration, woohoo) unlike most in the field of education, there's always the feeling of finality, of something ending.  I just finished my 9th year in education.  I can't believe that.  On Sunday, I leave to grade for the national AP Language and Composition exam, a career-long dream.  I am so excited to have this opportunity, and I am so grateful for my mom and MIL who will help Sparky with Daniel while I'm gone.  I can't even imagine how much I'm going to miss that toddler during those 8 days!

The end of the school year feels the same as it always does, promising days by the pool, lazy evenings on the back porch, and dinosaur-sized mosquitoes.  But this year is different.  Next year I won't be in the classroom. A few years ago, my mind was filled with vacations and pool time; today, I'm overwhelmed thinking about our finances, my student loan debt, and whether or not my car is safe enough for 2 babies.  In short, how can I make this work.

Sometimes I think I'd like to go back to a few years ago when summer promised sleeping in and morning runs without trying to pacify a toddler in a stroller, but then I think...I wouldn't be HERE. I wouldn't be in THIS moment, THIS role as a mom.  I'll swap lazy days by the pool for chasing my toddler any day, while secretly hoping that I can sneak in some pool time, even if said toddler has to be there with me.

Pregnancy #2 has also proven different.  I don't have time to worry, and honestly, I feel so sick most of the time that the sickness takes the place of the worry.  Nights are pretty bad, and Sparky has been amazing at picking up the slack.  Honestly, I've been handing D off to Sparks as soon as he gets home from work, just to sit on the couch, or rest my back/hips for a few minutes.  I'm sure that getting older and picking up a 22+ pound toddler is not helping all these growing pains either.  I try to force myself to eat, telling myself I'll feel better, but typically end up feeling worse. If I'm awake past 9 pm, it's a small miracle!   Maybe all of these things point towards a baby girl on the way...maybe not.  I would love another boy, and I'm definitely partial to that idea...is that just being practical, wanting to reuse all D's stuff?!  Yes, the sickness is different, is new, but the excitement, joy, and the hope of another precious baby in my arms is the same.  Daniel is getting so big that I'm not sure I remember what a newborn feels like.

We decided to do the NT scan with Baby B 2.0, and my appt is 6/26. Prayers appreciated for a good scan and good results.

Another adventure

Because I know you have all been waiting for this...

We are expecting Baby B, 2.0! Due end of December! Maybe his/her competitive spirit will make him/her the first baby born in Texas in 2015.  One can only dream...

Two scans so far have looked great. I'm only with the OB this time, so not quite the kind of monitoring I had with Daniel, but that's ok.  I'm finding less and less time to worry about the pregnancy with a toddler running around my house!

I'm nauseous pretty much always, and as soon as I crave something it makes me want to throw up.  I haven't actually thrown up, same as Daniel, but I don't quite feel great.  I am still running and hope to continue that until it's uncomfortable.  Daniel, the dog, and I really enjoy our early afternoon runs :)

I figured it was time to share our news...9+ weeks in.  We are very excited :)  Eventually I'll share an announcement photo, just like eventually my blog will be private.  Life is crazy right now and I barely have time to sleep, much less blog or take pics or anything else that doesn't involve taking care of a toddler, keeping a house, or single parenting while Sparky is away on business.

OH and if you know me in real life, PLEASE don't spill the beans. We're not ready for that quite yet. This is my safe space!

Here, just quiet

Hopefully we'll have some news to share in a couple of weeks on the baby #2 front.

Until then, this space will probably be a little quiet, though I am reading all of your news and commenting when I can.  Not much to say...unless you want to hear about how D refuses to take milk out of a sippy cup, except in the afternoon out of his silly rabbit cup I got him for Easter. Not too exciting, and maybe a little neurotic on the part of my child.  I feel like Dr. Seuss' green eggs and ham "I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox."  I will not drink milk in a cup. I will not drink--you're out of luck.

And, if you would also like to solve the problem of WHY my child, who has slept through the night since 10 weeks, has suddenly decided to refuse to go to sleep and then after he finally does, wants to wake up 2 times a night and then be up for the day  by 6:30 am, I would love your solutions.

Toddlerhood, you are winning right now.

Toddler tantrums and feelings of detachment

Hello blog space. It's been a while...

A brief catch up:  I attended my friend's daughters' funeral a couple of weeks ago (see my previous post).  It was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever experienced, but I'm so glad that I went.  No parent should ever, EVER have to go through what my friend is going through.  I'm no expert at dealing with grief, but I've made it my goal to let her know that I'm here for her. She's not really taking calls, as I understand, so I just send her little messages and cards each week, because some day, some time, she will need me.

Daniel is growing like a weed.  He's hit toddler tantrum stage with full force, and he's stubborn and independent, just like his dad and me.  I used to have a child that never screamed.  Yeah that's gone.  He complains a lot.  He wants to get his way and when he doesn't, he lets you know.  We are NOT giving in to his tantrums, so I deal with a lot of complaining. We have a daily battle over the dog's water bowl.  My child LOVES the water, which will be great in the summer when we're spending time in the pool, but right now, it's trouble. He likes to climb on the ledge of our hot tub and splash around. Thanks, Sparky, for teaching him that. Yesterday he learned how to pull up the cover for the pool skimmer basket and find the water in there too. He loves to be outside and says "YAY!!!" really loudly anytime you ask him if he wants to go outside. Then, he makes a beeline for the back door. Yesterday, I told him we would go outside after his diaper change, so he proceeded to lay down on the tile in the living room and put his legs in the air so I would change his diaper RIGHT THERE. So funny.

hanging out in his playhouse

We have a love/hate relationship with veggies, and we are still using the bottle (oops).  I plan on taking away the bottle starting on Sunday...cold turkey straight to sippy cup.  He loves water out of his sippy cups, but when I put milk in there, he spits it out.  I really don't get it.  I'm hesitant to give up the bottle because I love giving it to him :) I love sitting with him in my arms, and he's so big and active that I don't get that chance often.  We put him down completely awake at night so I know he doesn't need the bottle to go to sleep, but I love that part of the evening.

He's saying the typical toddler things...mama, dada, ball, puppy (still baba), night night, outside (eh-da), and he knows a lot of animal sounds (cow, dog, duck, sometimes he knows kitty cat, bird, train--not an animal I know).  He's so darn stubborn, though, and only "performs" when he feels like it.  I always wonder if I'm doing enough to teach him.  His sign language has gotten stronger with reinforcement at daycare, so I really like that :)

And on to me...started 50mg Clomid this cycle.  No side effects, besides feeling completely detached from TTC this month.  Something about having a prescription for everything has just made me not think about it.  I don't even know my test date or when I would be due if we did conceive.  Seriously, this is not like me! And I'm ok with it.  It feels good.  I think there's a part of me that has come to terms with already being a mom, and if that's the only baby I'm supposed to have, he's pretty great.  So onward to the next day....and maybe just maybe, I'll have something more positive to post around the end of the month.

Heartbroken and reeling

I've been fortunate enough in my life to only have brief encounters with death.  My grandfather passed away when I was 10, and my great uncle passed away last October.  I truly can't put a finger on many other deaths that have affected me.

So I write today with a broken heart.  My college roommate, a girl who I lived with for four years, has lost two of her three daughters in a tragic car accident.  Olivia, 6, and Emma, 3, sustained fatal injuries, and my roommate, who was also life-flighted, survived.  Her 4-year old daughter was home with her dad, thank God.  

Death is a part of life, but that is much easier to accept when the person has had a chance to LIVE that life. These precious babies did not.

In college, we dreamed of our future families, our future weddings (to very different men than we ended up marrying!) our future careers.  As girls do, we talked about everything.  Late night bunk conversations that turned into conversations over a good bottle of wine, and now conversations we're lucky to have through email and messaging.  But we never talked about grief, never imagined that something so tragic could happen.  And why would we?  We live in a world of rose-colored glasses, whether we adorn those glasses by choice, by circumstance, or by happenstance.  When these tragedies do happen, how do we cope? 

I keep replaying the conversation I had with her mother in my head, when she told me that the 6-year old who there was hope would survive wouldn't make it.  I am trying to take comfort in the fact that B was holding both her girls as they became angels. I just don't think there is any comfort in the loss of lives cut so short, lives just blooming and just beginning to be lived. 

Please, however religious or non religious you are, I ask that you lift up this family.  I'm not sure how you move on from such a tragedy, as the mother, father, or middle sister.  I can only pray that B has the strength to make it through the next hour, the next day, and maybe, the next year.  

I remain heartbroken.

If you would like to donate to the family (he is a college prof, she is a SAHM), here is a link to do so.  Their medical expenses and now funeral expenses are already exorbitant as the little girls will be flown home to Maryland to rest in peace.  God bless the little angels, Olivia and Emma.

Becca and Sean

A post about a new obsession and revisiting old ones...

I'm addicted. Sad to say, but I'm addicted to Downton Abbey.  I'm even more addicted to it because it's free with Amazon Prime and I can watch it on the iPad in the mornings while I drink my coffee and put my makeup on.  I knew multitasking would serve me well one day.  

I've always thought I should live in a different time period, as long as I was wealthy.  I think I would've loved London in the 1920s, or Yorkshire.  I also think I would've been well-suited to be a southern belle.  The dresses, the formalities...I love it all.  I really enjoy the characters on DA, and the plot is scandalous enough to keep your interest but still be believable.  I also love the English accents; I'm a sucker for a beautiful man with a beautiful accent (sorry Sparks).  He likes Jennifer Lawrence, I like Jude Law. Same initials, so really, there's no harm done.  

I'm on the last episode of season 3 right now, the last free streaming Amazon Prime season, and I will probably spend the $20 on season 4.  To me, the $20 is worth it for something I enjoy in the only "me" time I get.

And an old obsession...Fertility Friend. We are NOT friends, but I am back to obsessing over my chart and my symptoms.  We've been officially TTC #2 for 3 months, taking away the month I stopped breastfeeding. I have a love/hate relationship with FF. I love the women in the forums that I've "met" and befriended.  They all happen to be in their 30s, pregnancy coming easy to none of them, and I enjoy talking to other people in my situation.  I won't say much about it because I still haven't made my blog private, but the road to #2 hasn't been emotionally easy for either Sparky or me.

One more note about old friends...I spent time this week with my darling, dear friend Tabaitha.  I had forgotten how necessary friendship is.  My BFF moved across the country, and I think I've fallen into a friend rut without her.  Having a glass of wine and laughing with Tab the other night made me feel like a person again, not just a mom or a wife or a student.  We have so much history, and she's such a wonderful person. I could go on and on, but I won't. Yesterday, I was having a terrible day, and my SIL happened to text me.  I'd had a terrible morning, an argument with Sparky, and all around frustration with this TTC cycle. She knew just what to say, and I love her for it.  I'll end with this: mutual respect, love, and faith in each other are the foundation for solid, lifelong friendships. I'm blessed to have found this in the women in my life, and I'm blessed to be reminded of this in the tough times, which this week has been.

Daniel had hand, foot, and mouth virus this week in addition to pushing out 2 new bottom teeth.  It's been a rough week, to say the least, but I think we're through the worst of it.  We started putting Aquaphor on the sores on his lips and chin and he woke up looking much better.  OH and I accepted a position to read for the AP Language Exam again this year!!!! If you remember, I had to back out last year, so I'm THRILLED that I was asked again and now have the opportunity to fulfill one of my career goals. 

I know this is a random post. This week--though it's almost over--is FINALLY looking up.  I'm hoping for a + OPK this weekend and for a happy, happy right ovary and right tube.  We are wishing on a star and praying for December baby :)

A Quickie

HPTs=3, JB=0

Onto the next month...

Will post soon about little D's first birthday :) it was wonderful!

"maybe we're more like the fuzzy glove people..."

Not private quite yet...though thanks to those of you who are still reading and still want to read!

Happy Valentine's Day. I think I mentioned this last year, but Sparky and I aren't big Valentines people.  I was telling Daniel this morning when I was giving him his bottle that Valentine's Day is a day of love, but not the only day for love.  I told him every day is a day for love and that you should always tell people you love them.  He just looked at me with those precious eyes.  I know he can't understand, but he does understand affection. Hugs, kisses, and coming to lay his head on me in the middle of playing.  He tries to say I love you but it sounds like "I wa wa" or "I ba ba" or even "ba BA ba," very endearing :)

I had to do a devotion yesterday morning for all of my secondary teachers, and I mentioned that I feel love is misused more than back when I was young.  My dad always told me that HATE was a strong word and never to use the word hate.  Hate is a terrible word, and to this day, I rarely say that I HATE anything, and never do I hate anyone.  But I think we should be cautious in the way we use love as well.  Do you think that loving everything--shoes, clothes, earrings, facebook photos--has devalued the word LOVE, or do you think that the expression is appropriate for expressing effusive like?

When Sparky and I dated in HS, for an ill-fated 8 months, I told him I loved him around Christmas (we broke up for real the following April...for real because I tried to convince him to stay with me starting in February).  He said, "I don't believe anyone can love that way in high school."  This coming from an almost-16 year old.  That statement still rings in my head, and almost 7 years later when we did say I love you, he was still hesitant, probably for the same reason.  It's funny to think that now we never close a phone conversation without saying I love you.

Maybe, though, there are just different kinds of love. The love you share for good food or good wine.  The love you have for your best friends. The love you have for your family.  The passionate, heart-wrenching love you have for your spouse, and the fierce, protective, give-my-life love you have for your child.

I have learned more about love in the past year--and loved more--than I ever thought possible.  Maybe the amount of love is equivalent to the amount of dirty diapers changed? (not really).  I've also learned that love is different. Sparky was worried that I wouldn't love him as much as the baby.  I still don't think it makes sense to him that I love them differently, and one is no better or worse or stronger or weaker than the other. Now, he worries that when we do have another baby, that he won't be able to love that baby as much as he loves Daniel.  (I, on the other hand, worry about how I will do 2 bath times at once)

Love is infinite, not finite.  It is beyond us to understand that kind of love.

And now the photos I took for Valentine's Day. The chalkboard is mine ($19 on clearance at Homegoods!) and typically lives on my kitchen wall, and I got the design idea from Pinterest; not my best design, but cute for the pictures.  I used a die cut machine to cut out all the hearts and then used twine to string them.  The heart pillow is from Target and the kisses onesie is from Zulily.  I draped a white blanket and then used another white blanket as the base. I tried to catch the light in his eyes, but I was only successful in doing that when he faced the window, and the backdrop was perpendicular to the window--not perfect placement.  I'm getting better, but still not where I want to be in being able to make his eyes really stand out in pictures.

he's currently obsessed with an old teddy bear of mine

handing the heart to his daddy

Ch ch ch changes...

If you're a reader, you've noticed that my blog has been private lately for very personal reasons. No, it's not because I have some big announcement about baby #2. As of yet, there is NO  baby #2.

I'm trying to figure out the direction of my blog.  I think I am going to go private, so if you are a reader, please either leave a comment with your email address for me to add, or you can email me jmb 2007 at gmail dot com.

I love writing this blog, and I miss it.  I have so many projects that I've done in the past few weeks that I'd love to share :)

I don't know if I have many readers left out there, honestly.  All my former "friends" from when I started have left to be part of the mommy world...but if you are out there, please leave your info so I can add you to my blog reader list :)

xoxo,
J.

Smash Cake :)

Pondering

I'm trying to figure out the direction of my little blog due to some...issues...lately.  D and Sparky and I are all fine, and no, I didn't go private because I'm pregnant. AF is here in full force.

So...if you want to stick around, I'd love to have you.  If you're a current blog reader, you should be able to see my posts. Let me know...

xoxo,
JB