A post about a new obsession and revisiting old ones...

I'm addicted. Sad to say, but I'm addicted to Downton Abbey.  I'm even more addicted to it because it's free with Amazon Prime and I can watch it on the iPad in the mornings while I drink my coffee and put my makeup on.  I knew multitasking would serve me well one day.  

I've always thought I should live in a different time period, as long as I was wealthy.  I think I would've loved London in the 1920s, or Yorkshire.  I also think I would've been well-suited to be a southern belle.  The dresses, the formalities...I love it all.  I really enjoy the characters on DA, and the plot is scandalous enough to keep your interest but still be believable.  I also love the English accents; I'm a sucker for a beautiful man with a beautiful accent (sorry Sparks).  He likes Jennifer Lawrence, I like Jude Law. Same initials, so really, there's no harm done.  

I'm on the last episode of season 3 right now, the last free streaming Amazon Prime season, and I will probably spend the $20 on season 4.  To me, the $20 is worth it for something I enjoy in the only "me" time I get.

And an old obsession...Fertility Friend. We are NOT friends, but I am back to obsessing over my chart and my symptoms.  We've been officially TTC #2 for 3 months, taking away the month I stopped breastfeeding. I have a love/hate relationship with FF. I love the women in the forums that I've "met" and befriended.  They all happen to be in their 30s, pregnancy coming easy to none of them, and I enjoy talking to other people in my situation.  I won't say much about it because I still haven't made my blog private, but the road to #2 hasn't been emotionally easy for either Sparky or me.

One more note about old friends...I spent time this week with my darling, dear friend Tabaitha.  I had forgotten how necessary friendship is.  My BFF moved across the country, and I think I've fallen into a friend rut without her.  Having a glass of wine and laughing with Tab the other night made me feel like a person again, not just a mom or a wife or a student.  We have so much history, and she's such a wonderful person. I could go on and on, but I won't. Yesterday, I was having a terrible day, and my SIL happened to text me.  I'd had a terrible morning, an argument with Sparky, and all around frustration with this TTC cycle. She knew just what to say, and I love her for it.  I'll end with this: mutual respect, love, and faith in each other are the foundation for solid, lifelong friendships. I'm blessed to have found this in the women in my life, and I'm blessed to be reminded of this in the tough times, which this week has been.

Daniel had hand, foot, and mouth virus this week in addition to pushing out 2 new bottom teeth.  It's been a rough week, to say the least, but I think we're through the worst of it.  We started putting Aquaphor on the sores on his lips and chin and he woke up looking much better.  OH and I accepted a position to read for the AP Language Exam again this year!!!! If you remember, I had to back out last year, so I'm THRILLED that I was asked again and now have the opportunity to fulfill one of my career goals. 

I know this is a random post. This week--though it's almost over--is FINALLY looking up.  I'm hoping for a + OPK this weekend and for a happy, happy right ovary and right tube.  We are wishing on a star and praying for December baby :)

And it begins...Again...

I'm currently watching my five-month old roll around on the floor and try to put every.single.thing in his mouth.  So far, he's happy which means we may get another day break from the hell that is teething.  Yet...I'm also supposed to be ovulating this week, and even though I do have this precious little boy who's changed my life completely, we're also back at square one, or baby number two. 

I'm sure that a lot of people would say WAIT!!! DON'T DO IT!!! or...shouldn't you just be happy?! You already have ONE! I realize as well that I am completely and utterly blessed to have this amazing boy, but we know that our family is not complete. 

AF decided to show her face when D was about four and a half months old.  With her, she brought a decrease in milk supply (and I'm not sure it's ever fully recovered) and the beginning of OPKs again.  According to my arch nemesis fertility friend, my smiley face should've showed up yesterday, but said smiley face is being elusive.  Which really is fine with me at this point.

Let me explain why...I'm in my second year of grad school.  I will graduate in May 2014 (yay!), and while I talked a big game about "just putting the baby in the carrier and getting all my work done no problem," the reality of having a child AND doing grad school is that it's REALLY HARD.  I love my coursework, but trying to read and write papers during nap time which may or may not last longer than twenty minutes right now is just tough.  Thank goodness I have a mom and a MIL who will watch D for a few hours so I can get some uninterrupted work time.  With that said, the idea of even having another infant before I graduate in May is incredibly daunting.  Sparks and I would do it, if that's what God gives us, but I would struggle.  We're not exactly preventing Baby #2, but let's just say we're also not dancing when the baby song is on. 

Now, come September or October...bring on the baby song.  In pulling out that dusty box of OPKs, though, I was flooded with so many emotions I forgot existed.  Even though I'm not quite ready to get pregnant again, I can't help but hope to see that smiley face.  When I took a pregnancy test a couple of months ago (because AF hadn't shown up yet) I was a little sad that it was negative.  With only one working tube, the reality is it WILL take us longer to conceive again.  I'm curious to see what the next few months hold, and I'm curious to see how I deal with it now that I have D. 

This space that I've created and that I love will become a mix of emotions I'm sure--TTC and parenting, and really, just living life and trying to find the time to write about it.  What this space has given me over the past year and a half, though, is support and a wonderful group of ladies I think of as friends. And the coolest thing--most of these ladies are now holding their own little ones. and I think that's pretty darn awesome :)

ps...D just tried to eat my keyboard, and here he is trying to eat a pitcher of margaritas

39.3....update

Anxiously awaiting today's doctor's visit.  Induction moved to 2/22 if Daniel still hasn't arrived.  HOPING he comes before that. 

4 days away from my due date...feeling like a beached whale.

What I've done to help:

• Fallen on my butt
• Vacuumed and mopped 1500 square feet of my house
• Baked cookies for three hours
• Walked, walked, and walked more
• Bounced on a yoga ball
• Squats, lunges

So, we are waiting.  I'm actually doing better than Sparky! As he said last night, "it's getting annoying." I said, try carrying him around!  The waiting is tough but the stress that comes with carrying extra weight seems to be the toughest thing for me.  I have truly loved being pregnant, but I'm ready to not have to heave myself off the couch or out of a chair!

I will update after my apt. today...

And I'm a "good one" dilated, still 50% effaced but my cervix is lower which is good. Got my membranes stripped a bit in hopes it will help :)

Sigh...no change

Another two week wait is upon us.

We scheduled an induction for 2/21, when I will be 40 weeks/5 days. I'm trying to give him as much time as possible to come on his own and my OB won't let me go past 41 weeks which I'm perfectly fine with!

I'm trying to embrace this time with hubs and know that my baby is happy and healthy rather than being upset that baby's not here sooner.

So here we go, on to week 39!

38.3 weeks

I have my 38 week appointment today. I'm hoping and praying that we've made progress since last week, and I will update after our appointment.  Given the amount of contractions I had yesterday and the intense pressure I've had every night, I will be quite disappointed if I'm still only 1 cm.  I realize that the dilation/effacement doesn't mean much in predicting labor, but it's still nice to hear that my body is working as it should.

Daniel's movements have definitely become alien-like and a tad painful, nothing I can't handle but enough to make me say oww.  And the bladder/cervix pressure is pretty intense.  The weird thing is, I think I'm going to miss this.  I'm going to miss his closeness and the little game we play where I rub his feet and he kicks me back. 

Sparky is so ready to meet his son.  He's been reading Happiest Baby on the Block which I'm so thankful for because he truly ponders and retains information better than I do! He woke up this morning talking about swaddling.  I never thought I could fall more in love with someone because they talk about swaddling and colicky babies, but I definitely am smitten by that boy. 

We did have Sparky's 30th birthday party on Saturday night and it was a great success.  He's been friends with most of these boys since he was little, so watching them all turn 30 within months of each other is a pretty awesome thing.  They tested out our hot tub/pool and played beer pong till about 2 am.  I guess boys don't really grow up much!  I have some good pics of the "beer cake" (think diaper cake with beer cans) that I made for the occasion, and as soon as I download the pics from my camera I'll post them.  I was pretty happy with how the house was decorated, especially accomplishing all of this (and a from-scratch pineapple upside cake) at 38 weeks pregnant.  Needless to say, I paid for being on my feet all day with sporadic contractions all night, but Sparks is more than worth it. 

So with that, I know you will all be waiting anxiously for my afternoon update.  My cervical state is so exciting, I know.

Update @ 37.3 weeks

I'm uber crazy at work trying to prepare to be out when baby Daniel makes his appearance, so this update will be brief...and bulleted...

• I feel humongous. I'm definitely out of that "awww, I like being a cute prego!" phase and onto "awwww, I love my baby but really wish shirts would cover my belly" phase
• I had to buy new tops to make room for my hugely-growing belly (and ps if you're expecting: Target is having a huge clearance on their maternity clothes AND the Moss.imo regular tanks are AWESOME during pregnancy--just buy a L or XL and they'll fit the whole time!)
• Dr. N. thinks Daniel will be between 7 and 7.5 pounds
• Today I was FINALLY dilated (1cm) and effaced (50%)
• Bad news: Daniel is face up...which means we will have to turn him once I go into labor.  I knew God was preparing me for a long labor with all these workouts I've been doing during pregnancy ;-) Dr. N. says it's not necessarily a c-section, but I will have to push a lot. I'm ok with that, but I'll do whatever it takes to get baby here healthy and happy.
• We are installing the car seat tonight. Promise.
• Shooting pains down the chacha = baby's head dropping.  At least there's a reason I cry out in shocked pain at random points in the evening.
• Sparky turns 30 next week...I'm hosting a 30th birthday party for 20 people on Saturday. At 38 weeks pregnant. 

I think that's it for now.  Happy Tuesday!

ONE MONTH

(ok I started this post yesterday on 1/16, so it was a month, yesterday) Seriously.  We are ONE MONTH from my due date!!  I can't believe we're allowed to actually be having this baby, not because we're going to be bad parents, but because this day felt like it would never come.  There were points in the last year where I felt as if we were in an endless maze with no foreseeable way out.  Looking back, I know why we were in that maze, but at the time, seeing an end (taking home a baby) seemed an impossibility.  And now, after everything, after learning to be patient and learning to accept Malachi's loss, we're finally almost there.

Last Wednesday, Sparky called me and asked quite seriously if I was going to have the baby this week.  I told him I doubt the baby will come this early...and then he told me his boss wanted him to take a last minute trip to Finland to take care of some issues.  So, off Sparks went to Finland this past Sunday to return tomorrow (yay!).  He missed one doctor visit.  We didn't think she'd do my first internal exam this week, but she did, so he did miss that which kind of sucked.  But Mr. Daniel (as Sparky calls him) is just happy as a clam.  He's head down but Dr. N. can't feel his head yet and I'm dilated maybe 1 cm, not effaced at all.  I'm not surprised that he hasn't dropped as I still feel his butt in my ribs all the time.  Daniel just doesn't want to leave his warm home yet.  Dr. N. will let me carry until 41 weeks (please, please come before that) and I will be induced after that.  I'd like to NOT be induced if we can avoid it, but I will do whatever is safest for the baby. 

I admire women who have all-natural births.  While I think I'm a very strong woman and have a very high pain tolerance, I will be getting an epidural, for many reasons.  As long as I'm not in danger and the baby is safe, Sparky is fine with whatever decisions I make regarding the birthing process.  He's been like this through the whole pregnancy and it's been lovely that he trusts me so much.  He has done his share of reading baby books and talking to his BIL about their experience three months ago with Elyse; we discuss everything, but I know he definitely respects all of my opinions and desires in regards to the birthing plan and immediately afterwards.

I love having Daniel so close, but given that he's a quiet and quite stubborn baby, I'm ready for him to be here. I'm ready to stop worrying about how many movements he's had in the past hour or two.  He has NO PATTERN. That's his pattern.  This is very, very frustrating.  I've consumed more real Coke in the past few months than I have in years, and ditto the eating sweats.  Yesterday he was trying to punch his way out of my belly, and today, I think he's been sleeping all day.  Sparky is definitely ready to meet his little boy and have me stop worrying, at least about this :)

I started my second semester of grad school this week AND I found out that I have been invited to read at the national Advanced Placement reading this summer!  This is a HUGE deal for an AP Language teacher; I've applied three years now and I finally got accepted! I will spend seven days grading essays in Kentucky.  Sparks and the grandmas will watch Daniel who will be about four months old at the time.  It's not ideal timing (as I'm also taking summer school for grad school) but this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Sparky is thrilled for me and so supportive.  I of course asked him if it would be ok before I even applied.  I get paid to do this, and that will pay my summer tuition for grad school, so really it's a great situation. 

I guess I've rambled on enough for one day.  We started our weekly appointments, so I will keep updating about those and hopefully we'll have a lil baby Daniel picture within the next month :) 

Update to previous post...

We lost the house.  We now have to pursue matters legally because the contract was breached.

I'm not really comfortable sharing news about my betas on my blog right now.  I would appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers, though :) For those of you I've been following and vice versa, you're welcome to email me at jmb(at)gmail(dot)com. 

Thank you to all my blog friends out there for your thoughts today. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

The Week Ahead

I probably won't have too much time to post this week; DH and I have a very busy and exciting week ahead of us! 


• Close on new house on Tuesday. I would LOVE to share pics as soon as the pink carpet is gone. This is a remodel project (a flip house as some would say) so I'm a little embarrassed by it right now. After shopping for granite, backsplash, appliances, wood flooring, and light fixtures this weekend, though, I can't WAIT to see what it turns into

  

  My really awesome new over-the-kitchen-sink light fixture.
  Ignore the price--it was clearance

  Wednesday/Thursday: unload POD into new house garage.  Ugh. This is the part I hate. I already reminded DH that my box of candles must not be left in the garage in the summer heat or it will turn in to a big box of wax. 
• Friday/Saturday: 5 year anniversary trip! 2 nights in a B&B, picnic by the lake, and just relaxing in general
• Sunday: Dad's birthday and make new house at least livable for DH. I will be staying with mom and dad at least until the pink carpets are gone and the tile floors have been demolished. 

The underlying current of the whole week, though, is the fact that I'm in the 2nd week of my 2ww. I haven't tested yet but I will test this week.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up and preparing myself for a stark white test.  No sore boobs yet, like, at all. I'm pretty sure they've even gotten smaller.  The only abnormal thing right now is the crazy heartburn I've had for about a week.  After everything I eat, I get heartburn.  Who knows.  Dandelion Breeze is also in her 2WW; she's been in my thoughts and prayers lately, and I am truly hoping that this is her cycle, that this IVF was successful.  Stop by her blog and leave some support.

This weekend, DH and I made the decision to call our specialist if AF shows up. I'm ready for the next step (which will most likely be Clomid). After a year, it's just time to explore these options.  Hopefully this week's test will make this step null and void, but I'm not very positive about that. Ha, pun intended.