Posts
But, as part of this journey, it helps to share--even if no one reads this but me--what I'm feeling at this moment: petrified. Maybe petrified is too strong a word; I'm not sure. As a teacher of rhetoric, I realize I should pinpoint my word choice better, but I don't have it in me today. As we get ready to TTC (try to conceive) again, the feelings I had when we were TTC the first time are all flooding back. The anxiety, the what ifs, the schedules, the charting, the over-analyzing-every-possible-pregnancy-sign, and now, I add to this the fear that maybe the septum will some how regrow and come back to haunt my uterus again. AND who even knows if I'll have a viable egg this month?! If Left Ovary wins and produces the egg, then there's not even a chance I will get pregnant. UGH. I'm already tired.
People who've never experienced infertility will say, "Just let it go!" "It just happens when it happens!" "There's a plan!" "I knew such-and-such who had QUADRUPLETS as soon as she stopped trying!" Trust me--when you've had 4 surgeries in 4 months and lost a little boy baby, you can't just let it go. I HAVE to obsessively analyze everything because I want a baby THAT BAD. If I had to walk around on my hands for two weeks straight just to ensure I would get pregnant, I would do it. (Enter Jillian Michael's workout video for arm-walking) Seriously.
Approaching my April cycle, I have done the following:
- Read blogs (obsessively) of other women with septate uteri
- Searched Fertility Friend for charts of women who get pregnant with only one fallopian tube, with only one fallopian tube after miscarriage, with only one fallopian tube and pregnant with a boy, and so on
- Started to monitor every little thing I eat, because maybe, just MAYBE eating pineapple will help me get pregnant. (ha.)
- Stocked up on OPKs (if you don't know what an OPK is, you're lucky and have never worried about when it's the right time to make a baby)
- Wished on everything. Clock numbers (11:11, 1:11, 12:34, 5:55... you get the picture), shooting starts, pennies, rabbits feet
- Interpreted random signs (if I get pregnant on THAT day, it would mean...and therefore, I will get pregnant this month)
- Prayed (the only logical thing on this list)
2 comments:
Hope you are blessed with a baby. If it is any consolation, my Mom only had one working ovary and tube and the doctors told her she would never have any children and she went on to have 7 kids!
You're going to do all of those things, and maybe more, because that's the way God made you. That's your inborn personality & what makes you you. Just be kind to yourself--don't beat yourself up over the ways that you're coping/not coping.
Not that it's close to being the same , but I had tough pregnancies & followed my OB's advice to get my tubes tied during my 2nd C-section. I then spent the following 6-8 months weeping in front of my computer while looking for clinics that reversed tubal ligations. I tried to figure out how to raise the $7,000 to have it done because it wasn't covered by insurance. I drove myself crazy, but it was my way of working it out and getting to where I needed to be.
You have every right to worry, hope, dread, get excited, read blogs, stop reading blogs...do what you have to do in the moment to get you over the roller coaster. There's no "right" way to do it, which is hard for people like us ;). I'm so happy I've gotten to know you, & am hoping nd prying for you during this difficult season.
Post a Comment