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One of my BILs was over watching football yesterday and we happened to get on the topic of babies and loss. He asked: does it [my loss] still make you sad, do you still think about it now that you have D and another baby on the way?
The short answer: no, I'm not sad every day all the time about losing Malachi, but there are days (like 2 weeks ago on the 3 year anniversary of our loss) that I do remember him, and I am sad.
The long answer: that loss fundamentally changed me, but not just the loss--the whole experience of loss, infertility, and conception after loss--THAT'S what I think about, not daily, but often.
What truly makes me sad, for myself, for my SIL, and for anyone else who has experienced loss and infertility is the stripping of the innocence and joy of being pregnant. And my heart breaks for those who are irrevocably marred by that sobering realization.
Stuff
14 hours ago
7 comments:
Yes! Beautifully and sweetly put. It most definitely must be my pregnancy hormones, but I'm tearing up!
It is sad, isn't it? That by knowing so much of what can happen, we are instead spending our pregnancies counting down the days until our babies are safe in our arms vs. enjoying this experience.
Yes, you said it perfectly. It isn't something I think about every day, but since it changed me, it's something that affects me everyday.
Said perfectly. I've never been able to explain the way I feel regarding my loss and infertility and you just said it for me. Thank you.
Perfectly put. The entire experience changes us fundamentally. Forever. And THAT is what affects me every day. As a result, I couldn't relax and enjoy my pregnancy when it finally happened, and I knew it would be the one and only time I'd get the chance to be pregnant. That fun was taken from me and as hard as I try not to, I fear I project the same sort of trepidation and hesitation to others when they announce their own pregnancies to me. (Lord, I don't want to be THAT kind of person, though! Ugh. Such a downer...)
Thank you for this post. It touched me.
You've nailed it on the head. It's the stripping of the joy and innocence. After three years of infertility, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly be joyful and innocent if I ever do get pregnant. I know too much now.
I agree with this so, so much. I feel so broken, and even if we get pregnant again, it won't change the fear.
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