"hello?" she whispers into the cavernous void...

"is anyone still out there?"

....silence....

Maybe not.  Most days I'm not even sure if I'm here.  But maybe you are. And maybe you're reading this.  Or maybe I'm just writing for myself, and that's ok as well.  Or maybe I'm writing because our internet keeps going down at work and I can't really get anything accomplished.

Cameron is 8 and a half months old, y'all.  SERIOUSLY. Where is the time going!?  Something weird happens when babies hit 8 months.  It's like a woman's ovaries go into overdrive and all of a sudden I WANT ALL THE BABIES.  And not in a creepy "A Modest Proposal" sort of way, but in a please-just-let-me-smell-the-baby sort of way. Ok that's kind of creepy too.

Somehow, a smiling, happy, mama-mama saying baby can erase the anxiety and the hurt and the fear of the first three months of his life, almost.  I say *almost* because I can't quite seem to forget the feeling of those first three months.  Even now writing this, I feel my chest tense up.  And if--somehow--I could just manage to forget, just a little bit, I could consider having another baby.

My brother and his wife had a baby girl three weeks ago.  When we went to visit them, they had her in the swing with the music playing, and the memory of that swing and music sent me in to panic attack mode.  It's real, y'all.  So maybe I can't do it now  Maybe all I can do is to focus on the two precious boys I have.

So...here's a round-up of what's going on around here.

Daniel is 2 and a half and started PK2 at the school where I work.  He potty trained like a freakin champ.  I feel like we're going through a purposefully rebellious stage right now, acting out at school, peeing in his brother's trashcan, throwing food in the dog's water bowl, but maybe that's just being 2 years old.  Parenting is an ever-changing thing, and we're just working to figure out what works in terms of discipline.  He's a very auditory learner so we have a lot of discussions and repetition.  But he's the sweetest boy. He never sits still (unless to watch the same Curious George episode again) and he adores his daddy and his little brother. And his teddy.

Cam is close to 9 months.  He smiles at the drop of a hat and rarely cries.  He crawls and is in to EVERYTHING, his favorite things being Daniel's toys.  He sleeps in his crib all night (and yeah, that didn't happen until almost 5 months).  He still seems to hate naps on most days, but we're getting better.  He sleeps through the night most nights and is an early riser like me and his brother.  He wants to stand and walk so badly, but he's not quite there.  I could squish and kiss him all day, and I'm pretty sure his favorite place to be is sitting on my hip.  He refuses most purees in favor of real food, which makes my life easier because I can feed both boys the same thing  We made it to about six months of nursing, and then my supply dropped and I went back to work, so I swallowed my guilt and my pride and started him on formula. He's growing like a weed (maybe more out that up!) and we call him our little linebacker, a stocky, squatty little boy.

As for me...well I'm here.  Trying to survive every day as a full-time working momma of two boys. Some days I feel like I rock it (like when I take the boys for a dinner picnic to the park); other days I want a glass of wine by 9 am. I'm currently training for a Tough Mudder and 3 half marathons. Because that's what I do for ME.  I don't have time to get my nails done, but this I do and I do it for me only.  It keeps me sane.

So in a nutshell, I'm here.

Even if no one else is.

...I'll fill the cavernous void with some words, at least for right now...

#MicroblogMondays: Toddler-562, JB-0

Want to know what #MicroblogMondays is all about? See this post here

I cried no fewer than 3 times this weekend and questioned myself as a mother about 100 times more than that. Toddler-dome is like David vs. Goliath, and I think I'm David.

I feel like the most common words out of my mouth are "uh-uh Daniel," or "don't do that" or "on your bottom on the couch" or "no buttons right now" or "please eat nicely." And I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter what I say or how much I say it, because it's met by the same response by Daniel: nothing, or looking at me KNOWING that he's doing something he's not supposed to and just continuing to do it.

I'm sure in the future I will be happy to have raised such a strong-willed, independent young man, but right now, I feel like I'm just trying to  stay consistent and survive.

If I let him do this all day, he'd be happy

One tiny note

I mentioned the other day in my post how all you see on social media are "happy babies and blessed mothers," and I wanted to say...that's wonderful. I LOVE that my newsfeed is full of precious babies and their beautiful mommas. There is NOTHING wrong with that, and I wish that every momma had a precious, happy baby all the time.  I wasn't saying that we shouldn't feel blessed and love our children or ourselves or that we should dwell on all the bad things instead of the good things; all I was saying was that mommyhood can be a lonely place when you feel like your child is the only one who's picky/cranky/constantly teething/not sleeping/etc.  I love the community I've found here, and I think that it's amazing so many in my blog feed have babies around the same age.  I find solace and comfort in reading your  blogs and knowing that as alone as I may feel, y'all are going through the same thing.

Every day I have with Daniel is a blessing. I would not say that waking up at 6 am is a blessing, but he is, and every moment with him is precious.  I try to remember that even in the midst of his tantrum or his desire to eat only watermelon, which he calls "mama."  Because those fits are worth it when he looks at me and plays with my hair and smiles, and grabs my necklace and says "pretty."

We have our 12 week appointment today for Baby 2 (I'm 13w2d), and we are doing our NT scan and basic trisonomy testing.  I am super nervous, so any extra positive thoughts and prayers you can spare would be appreciated.

And don't stop posting pictures of precious babies and happy mommas :)

Here, just quiet

Hopefully we'll have some news to share in a couple of weeks on the baby #2 front.

Until then, this space will probably be a little quiet, though I am reading all of your news and commenting when I can.  Not much to say...unless you want to hear about how D refuses to take milk out of a sippy cup, except in the afternoon out of his silly rabbit cup I got him for Easter. Not too exciting, and maybe a little neurotic on the part of my child.  I feel like Dr. Seuss' green eggs and ham "I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox."  I will not drink milk in a cup. I will not drink--you're out of luck.

And, if you would also like to solve the problem of WHY my child, who has slept through the night since 10 weeks, has suddenly decided to refuse to go to sleep and then after he finally does, wants to wake up 2 times a night and then be up for the day  by 6:30 am, I would love your solutions.

Toddlerhood, you are winning right now.

Toddler tantrums and feelings of detachment

Hello blog space. It's been a while...

A brief catch up:  I attended my friend's daughters' funeral a couple of weeks ago (see my previous post).  It was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever experienced, but I'm so glad that I went.  No parent should ever, EVER have to go through what my friend is going through.  I'm no expert at dealing with grief, but I've made it my goal to let her know that I'm here for her. She's not really taking calls, as I understand, so I just send her little messages and cards each week, because some day, some time, she will need me.

Daniel is growing like a weed.  He's hit toddler tantrum stage with full force, and he's stubborn and independent, just like his dad and me.  I used to have a child that never screamed.  Yeah that's gone.  He complains a lot.  He wants to get his way and when he doesn't, he lets you know.  We are NOT giving in to his tantrums, so I deal with a lot of complaining. We have a daily battle over the dog's water bowl.  My child LOVES the water, which will be great in the summer when we're spending time in the pool, but right now, it's trouble. He likes to climb on the ledge of our hot tub and splash around. Thanks, Sparky, for teaching him that. Yesterday he learned how to pull up the cover for the pool skimmer basket and find the water in there too. He loves to be outside and says "YAY!!!" really loudly anytime you ask him if he wants to go outside. Then, he makes a beeline for the back door. Yesterday, I told him we would go outside after his diaper change, so he proceeded to lay down on the tile in the living room and put his legs in the air so I would change his diaper RIGHT THERE. So funny.

hanging out in his playhouse

We have a love/hate relationship with veggies, and we are still using the bottle (oops).  I plan on taking away the bottle starting on Sunday...cold turkey straight to sippy cup.  He loves water out of his sippy cups, but when I put milk in there, he spits it out.  I really don't get it.  I'm hesitant to give up the bottle because I love giving it to him :) I love sitting with him in my arms, and he's so big and active that I don't get that chance often.  We put him down completely awake at night so I know he doesn't need the bottle to go to sleep, but I love that part of the evening.

He's saying the typical toddler things...mama, dada, ball, puppy (still baba), night night, outside (eh-da), and he knows a lot of animal sounds (cow, dog, duck, sometimes he knows kitty cat, bird, train--not an animal I know).  He's so darn stubborn, though, and only "performs" when he feels like it.  I always wonder if I'm doing enough to teach him.  His sign language has gotten stronger with reinforcement at daycare, so I really like that :)

And on to me...started 50mg Clomid this cycle.  No side effects, besides feeling completely detached from TTC this month.  Something about having a prescription for everything has just made me not think about it.  I don't even know my test date or when I would be due if we did conceive.  Seriously, this is not like me! And I'm ok with it.  It feels good.  I think there's a part of me that has come to terms with already being a mom, and if that's the only baby I'm supposed to have, he's pretty great.  So onward to the next day....and maybe just maybe, I'll have something more positive to post around the end of the month.