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So Lindsay at Tiny Bits of Hope actually gave me the idea to write about this. I adore her blog :) She mentioned in her latest post that it's hard to know what to say when people ask "do you have any kids yet." Now you may be wondering--people really ask this?!! And the sad, true answer is: YES. I guess as you look like you're getting closer to 30--which I do thanks to Hubert the wrinkle--this becomes a fair question to ask, something like "do you want fries or a salad" or "are you planning a summer vacation." And my typical answer is "salad," "yes," and "we're trying!" What I would like to say is that I want children more than anything in the world, that I have already put my body through so much to make it ready to have children, that yes I had a baby and he went away and every day I want him back. What I would like to say is that the question is insensitive and unless you are a close friend, you should never ask that question.
But I don't say those things.
"Not yet, but we're trying." And that's supposed to encapsulate everything. The worst experience I had with this happened back in March. I saw an old colleague while I was out shopping. I truly liked this woman when I worked with her. Her son had gotten married about the same time DH and I did, so naturally, she asked if I was pregnant and/or had any children yet. As I knew this woman, I responded no, that we had just miscarried in December and I was currently recovering from my fourth surgery. She "sympathetically" said she was sorry, and then pulled out her cell phone and gushed about her new grandbaby and how her son had just had his second child, and on....and on...and on...I was SHOCKED that someone could be so callous. I will never, ever, ever do that to anyone.
As Lindsay said in her blog post, you want people to know what you've been through to "get" your baby when they ask if you have children yet. But because I don't want to sound like a crazy person, I will continue with "not yet, but we're trying," and know in my heart the blessing and miracle that my future child will be.
May the fourth be with you, and happy Star Wars Day :)
Repeat: Cold Peace
7 hours ago
8 comments:
You continue to make me laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Love you bunches.
I've always been honest with people that we've been trying for a while, and that we've been pregnant before.
I can't believe the nerve of some people. I'm sorry that we all have to deal with people who don't know what to say or how to react in sensitive situations.
I hate that question too, but because we are NOT trying to have kids. And when I say no, and ppl say oh well soon enough, I want to say nope not really, but then I get the "omg you don't want kids?!?!" reaction. Ppl really just need to quit asking because they have no idea about the personal decisions or struggles!
Hi :) I found your blog on fertility friend. Love seeing others talking about these issues; I also have a blog about marriage and infertility. I get asked this almost weekly. I am more tolerant of the people that I don't know that ask this. I can see where they are coming from especially if they've never been through anything fertility wise, but what really infuriates me is when people that KNOW we are trying and having issues keep asking!! Seriously? My MIL says, "are you pregnant?" all the time! I've started being rude about it. Grrr. Thanks for posting!
I'm so sorry that you had to experience that... so insensitive of her :( It always amazes me how little others understand... about loss and IF :(( Thinking of you xoxo
Your old colleague is vicious. Sorry you had to go through that :(
So, I've been thinking about this post for a few days. I think that we (the couples that are supposed to have kids at this point because we have reached that AGE) make people feel uncomfortable... does this ring any SATC bells??? But, it's true. They ask if we have kids or WHEN are we going to have kids because it's all that they can think of to say and we make them uncomfortable because we don't fit in that perfect little picture. And, the old colleague that brought up her grandchild was probably just uncomfortable because it IS sad... and there are never enough comforting words... and she probably didn't even know what to say next.
The only reason that I say this is because someone commented on a picture of me holding my sister's baby. The comment was, "You look good holding a baby." My first reaction was, "OF COURSE I DO! Don't you think I know that??? Don't you think that I want this for myself??? I am TRYING but it just isn't happening..." And then, I had to stop and be like, Deanna, she has no idea what she is talking about. :)
All of this is said to give you some comfort in knowing that girl, people just don't know what they say sometimes. And if that doesn't comfort you, then I'll beat up any colleague (new or old) that hurts your feelings ;) Love you friend.
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