"It wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me"

I did it.  I "unfroze" my FF account after about 2 weeks.  Oh why oh why did I do this? Why do I continually engage in self-deprecating behavior?  I can tell you why I did it:

• I'm currently 39 days into CFH (cycle from hell) and my usual cycles are 32 days.
• I got a few positive OPKs almost 2 weeks ago; HOWEVER I don't know if I actually ovulated as I have no idea what's going on with my body.  Most important thing to note: my doctor said I probably wouldn't even ovulate for 2 more weeks.
• I  like clicking boxes. I inputted all my "symptoms" and all my OPK info just to see if FF would give me an ovulation day. Which it did.  So that means....drum roll please....yup, I'm in the 2 week wait.  Or I would be in the 2WW if I actually did ovulate.  AND of course, 2 weeks would be over on Sunday--Mother's Day--a sure sign from God. (she says rolling her eyes)
• I obsessively symptom spot. Like, obsessively.  I don't even know if they're symptoms but I can turn anything in to a symptom.  Typing too fast? Must be a symptom.  Greek yogurt tasted funny? Yup, I'm pregnant.  Hair looks oddly blonde? Start planning my baby shower!
• Possible real symptoms? Crampy, backache, exhausted, and yes, my Greek yogurt did actually taste funny yesterday.  ALL of these things are usually associated with AF, and I know that.  With both my chem. pregnancy and my real pregnancy, my first symptom was sore boobs.  Do I have those? Nope, not at all. I punch them just to make sure, and in my head I know that this most likely means there's NWH I'm prego.



Photo from Denver Public Library
I feel as crazy as  Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire



Please don't judge to harshly. In fact, if there is someone, anyone out there who does this same thing, I would love some reassurance that I haven't gone off the deep end. 

Dreading It

I haven't really been in the mood to post.  See yesterday's post if you're wondering why I haven't imparted some wonderful, witty knowledge to all of you today, as I'm sure you are all waiting with bated breath.

But, as part of this journey, it helps to share--even if no one reads this but me--what I'm feeling at this moment: petrified.  Maybe petrified is too strong a word; I'm not sure.  As a teacher of rhetoric, I realize I should pinpoint my word choice better, but I don't have it in me today.  As we get ready to TTC (try to conceive) again, the feelings I had when we were TTC the first time are all flooding back. The anxiety, the what ifs, the schedules, the charting, the over-analyzing-every-possible-pregnancy-sign, and now, I add to this the fear that maybe the septum will some how regrow and come back to haunt my uterus again.  AND who even knows if I'll have a viable egg this month?! If Left Ovary wins and produces the egg, then there's not even a chance I will get pregnant.  UGH. I'm already tired.

People who've never experienced infertility will say, "Just let it go!" "It just happens when it happens!" "There's a plan!" "I knew such-and-such who had QUADRUPLETS as soon as she stopped trying!" Trust me--when you've had 4 surgeries in 4 months and lost a little boy baby, you can't just let it go.  I HAVE to obsessively analyze everything because I want a baby THAT BAD. If I had to walk around on my hands for two weeks straight just to ensure I would get pregnant, I would do it. (Enter Jillian Michael's workout video for arm-walking) Seriously.

Approaching my April cycle, I have done the following:

• Read blogs (obsessively) of other women with septate uteri
• Searched Fertility Friend for charts of women who get pregnant with only one fallopian tube, with only one fallopian tube after miscarriage, with only one fallopian tube and pregnant with a boy, and so on
• Started to monitor every little thing I eat, because maybe, just MAYBE eating pineapple will help me get pregnant. (ha.)
• Stocked up on OPKs (if you don't know what an OPK is, you're lucky and have never worried about when it's the right time to make a baby)
• Wished on everything. Clock numbers (11:11, 1:11, 12:34, 5:55... you get the picture), shooting starts, pennies, rabbits feet
• Interpreted random signs (if I get pregnant on THAT day, it would mean...and therefore, I will get pregnant this month)
• Prayed (the only logical thing on this list)

At least I recognize my obsessiveness and trust me, I know  it will only get worse as the month goes on.  The two-week-wait for two beautiful pink lines on that test is hell.  So, make a banner or a t-shirt and root for Right Ovary.  I know I will be.