Indecisive Emotions

Today, I find out if I will have a niece or a nephew.  My younger sister-in-law is 19 weeks pregnant and has her gender scan today.  We all "think pink," so we will be shocked if the doctor tells her it's a boy. 

I am a jumbled mess of emotions.

I am over-the-moon happy for her. She is a wonderful friend and SIL who's handled this situation with grace from the beginning: she knows that this is difficult for DH and I and she has continued to be sensitive to this fact.  She's also one of those cute pregnant women, you know, the ones with the adorable bump and perfect boobs. It's so cute to see DH happy for his sister, so cute that he wants to see her belly and fawn over her.

And of course, there's the ugly emotion of sadness, and a little jealousy as well. 

On top of all this, I had a nightmare that SIL's hubs was mad at me for not being supportive.  I woke up anxious, thinking, have I done something wrong? Have I faltered in my happiness towards her? Have DH and I let our issues overshadow happiness? Ugh. Why do dreams affect waking emotions so much?!

I will continue to be strong and be happy for her. I will also continue to buy my future niece/nephew lots of cute little things. In a way, this makes up for me not being able to buy cute little baby things for my own child.  But, as I attend her gender reveal tonight, I will still be hoping and praying that we're not far behind.