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I couldn't help but think about our little Malachi today, 6w4d into our new journey. I miss him, even though he was only mine for 6w4d. Despite how happy I was to see our Baby B today, I can't help but wonder what I would be feeling like right now, if Malachi hadn't grown his wings. I believe that he was our messenger, our little angel whose passing meant that we found out my issues and were able to treat them. But I still miss him. I wonder if I will ever stop missing him or remembering him. I don't know if all the babies in the world can mend that little fissure in my heart that Malachi left, or maybe took with him, like Anne in Anne of Green Gables.
Malachi is also the reason I am still cautiously optimisitc. Even though Baby B looks great, little heart beating, I'm still cautiously guarding my heart. DH asked if I would be calmer after today. Yes and no. I'm not actively worrying about every little thing, but their is still a tug on my heart, maybe a little scar tissue from being hurt before. When we're young, we jump into love with both feet. We throw out "I love yous" like parade beads, and like thrown parade beads, we don't necessarily get anything in return. And so we are heartbroken, and we move on. We learn and though we still make mistakes in love, they're never as frivolous as the first mistakes we make. And even when we find our mate, that scar tissue is still there, still a reminder. Just like loss and new pregnancy.
Every day is another day, and I am so happy to be on this new journey. I welcome what the coming weeks bring. I know I can't do anything to stop fate; I also have faith that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I will still be anxious before every appointment, especially the scans at 12 weeks, but I am happy. I am smiling. And today, I heard the baby's heartbeat. Today, I am pregnant.
Stuff
14 hours ago
5 comments:
TODAY you are pregnant, I feel like you have such a great attitude. It's ok to still hurt, and be nervous, but I think you're on the right mental track. I couldn't be happier for you and Trevor. And I'll be praying my best prayers for Baby B. xoxo
Love your honesty! Love that you got to see and hear the heartbeat today!
Wonderful to hear that you heard your little one's heartbeat... and completely understandable to have ongoing anxiety after all that you've been through. I can hear your love for both your darling babies in your words... love to you all xoxo
I am so thrilled for you Jeanna!!! I have just recently read through your blog, what a great way to document your journey. I have actually had quite a few friends who have experienced various infertility issues, all now with beautiful, healthy babes. It sure was not easy for any of them, and as a friend, watching their disappointments just broke my heart....but boy was it fantastic to be there to share their joy as well. I will keep you and your sweet baby in my thoughts and prayers!
xo-
Wendy
Here from the Lushary.
Congratulations!
I haven't had a miscarriage, but the journey of IF took it's toll enough that when we finally got pregnant, I too was cautiously optimistic. I tried telling people that I was happy about being pregnant, still didn't quite believe it, but I also knew that so many things could (and still can) go wrong. People keep telling me I'm being pessimistic. I don't see it that way though, I think I'm being realistic and not worry about it, just acknowledging it. Good luck!
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