Well hello there blog life!

Hi to all of you lovely ladies! I haves missed my time in blog land.  I have been keeping up with everyone on my phone but my commenting has been lacking lately, as has my participation in Jenn's October Writing Prompts!  So I will catch up with those here, fast and furiously.  Tonight I plan on posting pics of what I've been up to over the past week--moving, pinterest project (I LOVE THIS and can't wait to share it!), cooking in my new kitchen (recipes coming!), decorating for fall...and oh yeah, growing a baby. 

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October 11: If you could change one thing about your personal appearance, what would it be and why?
I would change my legs.  For as long as I can remember, I've had "soccer" legs.  They're shapely but definitely muscular and were awesome for hip checking other players on the field.  I'm only 5'4" and have a long torso, so I'd like my legs longer too. But honestly, I'm pretty happy with myself overall.  It's taken me a long time to accept this, but I love working out and love that a good routine makes my body look and feel good.


October 12: If you could change on thing about your personality, what would it be and why.
Probably my desire for control, at least some of the time. In true control, type-A personality fashion, I wouldn't want to give up ALL of my control freakness, just a little bit.  Like when I told DH the boys could come over on Saturday as long as he cleans up after them...He looked at me and said, "I've been so good about cleaning up; why would you feel the need to ask me that?"  Or, how I almost asked him to put the dishes in the dishwasher last night even though I thought he was going to do that anyway.  I'd give up this flaw in a minute.

October 13: What is the one thing you like best about yourself?
I love my nose.  Seriously, LOVE.  I loved my nose before I ever "met" Anne Shirley and then afterwards, I loved my nose even more.  No one in my family has my nose.  I'm a "nose person," so I'm pretty sure that I will look at Baby Boy's nose first thing when I see him. 

October 14: What is the greatest compliment you ever received?
You know, I'm not sure if I can answer this.  I usually push away compliments or turn them back on the giver, so I'm kind of horrible at remembering them.  I would say one of the best compliments I can kind of remember is being praised for my professionalism and public speaking.  Not a very good answer, I know.

October 15: If you could go back in time, what decade would you choose to live in?
Love this question! I would live turn of the century (late 1800s, early 1900s) and of course, I'd have to be wealthy to do so.  I fancy myself wearing petticoats and being courted by suitors in tails and top hats. 

October 16: A little TMI? Share something you never thought you would ever post on the internet.
Well I feel like we're pretty open here considering we talk about our cycles, but...I guess something random and weird about me is that I blow my nose every time after I wash my face or get out of the shower.  Not very scintillating, but odd.

October 17: How would you describe your personal style?
Right now, my style is trying not to look like a blimp in maternity clothes.  Typically, my style is classic with a modern twist.  I love fashion, especially shoes, but I try to buy pieces that I can wear for a long time and spice up with trends of the season.  My shoes are my babies.  I found a pair of gorgeous BCBG calf hair pumps that I bought last season and that can't wear this season because the have a a 5 1/2 inch heel :( I will wear heels as long as  I can, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.  Swelling feet and really high heels are just not a good combo. I also have a problem getting rid of clothes.  I'm hesitant to give something away that I may want to wear again at some point in my life.


October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.
J--jovial (at the thought of our new house)
B--blessed

J is a really hard letter :( Unless you're a jokester which I'm not

My biggest fear

Firstly...Baby Elyse will be here tomorrow! I hope to post a pic of my beautiful niece tomorrow.  We are also closing on our house tomorrow, so 10/11/12 will be a very busy day!

Jenn's Writing Prompt Today: What do you fear most?

• The easy list: cockroaches crawling all over me, my parents dying, being in a life-or-death survival situation and not knowing how to survive. 
• The weird thing I fear: pieces of a plane or a plane crashing into me.  This features commonly in my nightmares.  I watched that movie "Donnie Darko" a hundred years ago and I guess this stuck with me.  I used to run by a small airport and would freak out every time the planes took off. 
• My absolute greatest fear: losing my baby, or maybe I should say losing another baby.  As much as I know I shouldn't, I think about what I would do if Baby Boy never existed in my arms.  I don't believe I could go through that and come out ok.  I think I would lose all desire to be myself, all desire to ever have children.  To go through the grief of losing another child would be too much to bear.  I think I'm a strong person, but I fear that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle this.  I fear that this would destroy my marriage and my relationships, especially with my friends or family who have children. 

It's an odd sensation to put your fear on paper.  The crazy that exists in my head becomes a reality when written down.  I wonder if I re-read my blog in a few years if this fear will have changed. 

And finally, if someone knows your greatest fear, do you believe this is the greatest power they can have over you?

Realities

Happy 100th post to me! YAY! I seriously can't believe this is 100.  I never realized how wonderful and supportive this blog and community would be when I started.  I look forward to reading and commenting, and I feel as if I have made so many friends.

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So I couldn't think of a clever or non-depressing title for this post.  My heart is heavy this morning.  I learned last night that one of my friends/old co-workers has been diagnosed with blighted ovum.  Her D&C is this morning.  I had seen her on Friday night and she told me she was pregnant but her levels weren't matching her expected 6 weeks pregnant.  She had an ultrasound yesterday and sure enough, empty sac.  I'm just heartbroken for her.  She's 35 (so AMA) and she has a four year old, so they are trying for their second child.  Getting pregnant with her son was not easy, so she was shocked when they got pregnant this time after only 7 months.  I know there's nothing I can say or do that lessens the heartache of the situation.  I empathize so keenly with her.  Tears come to my eyes thinking/remembering what she's going through.

On the more upbeat side...my SIL is being induced tomorrow (Wed.) at 10pm!  We are hoping to have a niece early Thursday morning, 10-11-12.  What a cool date on which to be born! I am so excited for her and for the fact that she's doing all this before me and can fill me in on all the dirty details.  It's going to be so weird to see her NOT pregnant!

Placing these two things side by side--someone's loss against someone's pure joy--makes the reality of the miracle of life that much more poignant.  We know all too well how great of a miracle new life is.

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And Jenn's Writing Prompt for the day...If given the choice, how would you choose to die?

Peacefully in my sleep with my kids and my husband by my side. 

October 8: My dream profession

Good morning all. It's Columbus Day and I'm at work.  I'd rather be home sleeping but that's not how life works, unfortunately.  A few quick updates before the writing challenge for today...

Thing 1: Baby Boy has decided to have baby parties in my belly about once a day, and I LOVE it.  He's pretty quiet most of the day, but around mid-afternoon or late evening, he decides it's time to salsa. I'm pretty sure he's turning barrel rolls in there, at least that's what it feels like.  DH can't feel him yet, but hopefully soon. 

Thing 2: We close on our house this week! Yes, I'm sure I'm the girl who's cried house since we've been in this situation 2 times since April, but this one is it.  There's really nothing holding us back from closing and MOVING this weekend!!!!  I am so excited I can just taste it.  Coffee on the porch at my own house this weekend? Walking around without a bra because I don't live with anyone else? QUIET time when I get home from work? Seriously--you miss the little things after 7 months of living with parents and in-laws. I will bust out fancy camera and post pics of our new home this weekend, or after I unpack the boxes and we have internet :)

Thing 3: my wonderful dad (who is a contractor) helped me sketch out our nursery this weekend! I'm hoping the nursery will be finished by late November/early December, and I can't wait to post pics.  Thanks to one of my bffs (S) and pinterest, I know exactly what I want Baby Boy's nursery to look like.  DH approved my crib choice this weekend--isn't it beautiful--so hopefully the purchase of crib and dresser (which will double as changing table) will be forthcoming. 

Thing 4: Today we will find out when my little niece will be here!  I'm betting that SIL is induced tomorrow.  Just a guess :)  We can't wait to meet our little Elyse Adela!

And now for Jenn's Writing Prompt, October 8: If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why? 

If I could do anything for a living, I would want to be an event planner.  I love to decorate and I thrive on organization and planning.  I would love to have access to people's endless amounts of money to make their dream events come true.  I would, of course, event plan for very rich people only so that I could be as magical and creative as possible.  I would have the best florists and bakers on speed dial, and my clients would invite me to their fabulous parties.  Ah, that would be the life. 

October 6 and 7

First and foremost: my SIL is home with no baby yet :) We're expecting an induce date tomorrow! I will most likely have a niece this week!!

Now, on to the less important but still very exciting updates.  Jenn's October Writing Prompts!

October 6: Current Favorite Band

Well, I hate to admit, but I'm not much of a music guru.  I've never really bought a lot of CDs, and when I was young, I don't really remember listening to the radio at all.  The only thing I remember listening to in the car was my mom's Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  I had a little white tape deck as well and I owned Paula Abdul and Garth Brooks tapes, but other than this, there's not a lot of music I associate with my childhood.  Even now, I listen to the radio, and I listen to country music, but I don't have a particular favorite.  I enjoy Blake Shelton, but when push comes to shove, I'm much more of an old music fogey.  I love classic rock, and my dream concert is Billy Joel and Elton John.  So as to a current band, not many :)

October 7: If you could sleep with one celebrity who would it be?

Ed Westwick, hands down.  I am such a good girl and I always have been, so I think there's something about his bad boy appeal that is chillingly sexy.  I love his character on Gossip Girl, and I'm ashamed to admit that he's definitely been in a couple of my dreams.  Also, I'm a sucker for a man with an accent.  (sorry DH, you know it's true).  I swear he could just look at me with those smoldering eyes and I would end up in bed with him.  Honorable mention would also go to Chace Crawford and Daniel Craig.  This question reminds me of Seinfeld and Friends, both shows where characters have created a list of "allowed to sleep with" people. I love me some 90s sitcoms!

Ok edit: After reading Em's post, I felt that I had not done mine justice at all.  And please, go read her post. It's awesome :) Thanks for bringing these beauitful men back to my memory, Em!

I do have to amend my list to include (in no particular order) Brad Pitt (with the abs from Fight Club), Christian Bale (as Laurie in Little Women), the boy who played Gilbert in the first two Anne of Green Gables films, Chris Noth (Mr. Big, in all his evil goodness).  Oh, and maybe (if I'm in a pinch) Hugh Grant (Love Actually) because I really do love a boy with an accent. 

Please send positive thoughts and prayers...

My SIL (38 weeks) was just admitted to the hospital for high BP and heart rate.  Dr. N (yes, we see the same dr) told her yesterday she was at high risk for preeclampsia.  She was scheduled to be induced on 10/16 so obviously having the baby today wouldn't be a bad thing, but under the stressful conditions, I think she's very nervous.  T

Please send positive thoughts and prayers her way.  At best/worst, I'll have pictures of a beautiful little niece to post tomorrow :)

October 5: Favorite Book

Jenn's Writing Prompt today: Your favorite book:

To ask an English major her favorite book is like asking a mother to choose her favorite child.  How in the world can I choose just one?!  So, I will subdivide books into categories and choose from there.

Favorite Classic: I love southern literature maven Eudora Welty's Delta Wedding.  I wrote my senior thesis on this book.  Honorable mention: The Great Gatsby, The Awakening (and I could probably add a hundred others to this list!)

Favorite Book from Growing Up: Little Women and all of the Anne of Green Gables books.  I still pick these up and read them from time to time, and no, there is absolutely no way to choose between the two.  Honorable mention: Ramona Quimby

Favorite Young Adult/I-can't-believe-I'm-reading-this Book: I preface these choices by saying, please don't judge me!  Twilight and Hunger Games.  I love them, in all their sappy, mushy teenage angst glory.  This is escapist literature and I'm not ashamed! (ok, I'm a little ashamed).  I will say that I prefer the books to any movie made.  Honorable mention: Searching for Alaska, Unwind.

Current Favorite: Game of Thrones series, anything by Jennifer Weiner (who DH respectful refers to as the Weiner books).  If you have a best friend, I encourage you to read Best Friends by Martha Moody. I loved this book and had my bff read it after me because I felt like we could relate to these characters. 

I'm sure I've left several books I adore off of this list. I'm a very fast reader, so sometimes I forget what I read.  I also sometimes refuse to see movies based on books because I can't take the disappointment :)

I'm excited to see everyone's choices!

October 3: most embarrassing moment

Our writing prompt today is your most embarrassing moment...this is a hard prompt for me. I'm very self-conscious so I usually double and triple check myself so that I don't have an embarrassing moment!

A few summers ago, I was attending a week-long teacher inservice at a university in the city.  I'm one of those people who believes that you should always dress nicely for anything related to professional growth because you never know who you're going to meet or who will eventually employ you.  So, true to form, I was wearing a skirt and heels.  I had carpooled with a couple of other ladies from work and we were walking from our car to the campus, probably about a half mile to three quarters of a mile walk.  We were almost to our classroom when someone came up to me and said excuse me? Your skirt is tucked into your underwear. 

Sure enough, my white skirt was tucked into my white boy short underwear. Thank GOODNESS I had not worn a thong that day! No butt cheek exposure, but I'm pretty sure anyone and everyone behind me got a good look and a good laugh.  The ultimate question, though: WHY did it take me about half a mile before anyone said anything to me!!??  I will never understand :)

Extreme Makeover, Blog Edition

Hello lovely darlings! BB (Bickerstaff Blog) just got a makeover! I was inspired by several of you out there who just changed your layouts.

What do you think? Easy to read and follow?  And...are any of you tech/HTML code savvy enough to know how to make my right hand column wider?

Have a lovely day! Fall weather makes me SO happy!

New Challenge!

Em Hart's Photo Challenge is over and I am a little sad, given that she gave me a reason to blog every day, which I LOVE doing.  Blogging is a lovely break from my crazy, hectic schedule.  I saw on two other blogs, though, that Jenn at Future Fords was hosting an October daily writing prompt challenge! YAY! I love to write, and I feel like if I write, I'm therefore allowed to read what others write about themselves. I love getting glimpses into y'alls lives and I love sharing these tidbits with DH :)

I just signed up today, so I will start with October 2 prompt. 

How did your husband propose?

Mine is two part: part 1--how he was supposed to propose...on a gorgeous mountaintop in S. Carolina while we were on vacation.  The ring didn't arrive in time for our trip. I thought he was going to propose that whole time, so I spent a lot of the trip angry at him (oh how young I was!)

Part 2: the real proposal.  He came over to my parent's house after work. (both of us were still living at home).  I had been swimming and of course, looked like crap, and I came inside to get him his swimsuit and his towel.  When I came back out from the mudroom, he was telling our puppy to go find her mommy.  We had just gotten Callie and she was about 3 months old.  So he sent the dog over to me, and though I didn't see it at first, my engagement ring was on her collar! Just precious.  So--with my mom standing in the kitchen--he told me that I was his first kiss (BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL!) and he wanted me to be his last.  I accepted without hesitation.  We ended the evening with several bottles of Veuve Clicquot (my fav champagne) in the hot tub, and Callie managed to break two of mom's champagne flutes in the celebration process. 


with the ring bearer. I look at this and can't believe she was ever that tiny



I look at this and think, WOW we were such babies!!!! DH makes that face all the time.

I didn't have the idyllic proposal where I looked gorgeous in a beautiful location, but still, I will never ever forget it!

The Case of the Missing Baby

Post 2 today! Woohoo! I promised I'd write about a rather harrowing experience I had last Friday, so I'm sure you were all waiting, and here you go.

Last Friday morning, I was standing in chapel when I started to feel what I thought was the beginning of a UTI.  I tried to put the thought out of my head, considering I'd been for my 20 week check up on Tuesday and then back to hear the heartbeat on Thursday.  I didn't want to bother my doctor again.  But, as I stood there, the sharp pains started to increase. I went back to my office, called DH, called mom, and called Dr. N.  My nurse told me to come in and give a urine sample.  At this point, I was already nervous and upset. 

I work 5 minutes away from my Dr, so really, this was no big deal.  I went in, peed in a cup, and proceeded to be told that yes indeed, I had the beginnings of a UTI.  My wonderful nurse said she'd listen to Baby Boy's heartbeat as well.  As she pushed the doppler around my tummy, we heard nothing.  NOTHING. She changed the batteries.  Still nothing.  I could tell she was getting nervous because she was trying to distract me.  She sent immediately for Dr. N.  At this point, I knew I was going to miss my class.  I called work, filled the sub lady in on what was going on, and got my class covered. 

Dr. N. wheels in the ultrasound machine.  I'm eerily calm at this point (I didn't know that a whole room of people had gathered to pray for me, or that two of my fellow administrators were on their way to take care of me at this moment).  DH was walking with the dog, so I couldn't get a hold of him which was probably the worst part of all this.  Dr. N. told me that we wouldn't get a good picture on that particular ultrasound machine--I didn't care. I just wanted to see the heartbeat. 

Sure enough, heart looked perfect.  Dr. N. grabbed the doppler afterwards and found his heartbeat immediately, 150 bpm.  She said heart looks and sounds great.  Apparently, Baby Boy was just hiding.  Stubborn, just like his father.  He's already stressing me out and he's not even born yet!

Needless to say, I didn't return to work that day.  I met my office mates at the elevator downstairs and broke into tears.  DH finally called when I was walking back to my car; I broke into tears again.  I love this baby so much already and can't imagine anything happening to him.  The thought of it scares me to death.  He apologized for the scare with two big kicks Saturday morning, but he's been pretty quiet since then.  I'm trying not to read anything into this; it's still early and my stupid anterior placenta is making movement hard to feel. 

I wish I was one of those pregnant ladies who was just pregnant and didn't over analyze everything!  I'm sure I'll be going to the Dr to hear Baby Boy's heartbeat this week.  If the darn kid would just kick me, I would feel much better. Maybe  I should sing him a rendition of Britney Spears..."Kick Me Baby One More Time" anyone?

Moon

It's October 1 and my photo was supposed to be on September 30.  But, the moon is still out right now so maybe that makes my lateness ok.  Thanks SO MUCH to Em Hart's Photo Challenge for making me take more pictures and for allowing me to see what wonderful photographers my blog friends are.  I can't wait to get better at taking pictures.

I waited for the moon to come out last night so I could take this picture.  It's not with my fancy new camera because I didn't feel like having to transfer the pic to the computer at 10pm last night.  The moon was beautiful, just a little dented on the upper right side, as if someone dropped him on his head when he was little.

My own "moon" seems to be growing quite nicely.  Baby Boy gave us quite a scare last Friday. I'll write about that later.  I was out of work on Friday with a bladder infection, so right now, I'm off to play catch up and prep for class today. 



I wouldn't normally wear a short, skinny top with skinny jeans,
but DH said that this shirt showed off my bump better.



The end of September

Catching up for Em's Photo Challenge

Indian Summer.  One of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City, "I Heart NY," mentions Indian Summer. Carrie says she loves that first night in fall when it's cool enough outside to pull up a blanket.  That's what I always think of when I think of Indian Summer.  When I was little, I always knew it was fall when my mom would pull out the thick blankets from the cedar chest.  I relished going to sleep on those evenings, smelling the fragrant cedar.  The cedar chest has been handed down to me, but since we are vagabonds and the chest is in storage, my picture is simply of a comfy blanket, marking the end of summer and the beginning of fall.

Hope--my dad's fall garden



Harvest. I thought this tree embodied the feeling of harvest with the colors of autumn

AND all these pics are with my new camera. I'm by no means an extraordinary photographer, but I do like the editing functions.  I feel like it's going to take me a while to be able to take WOW photos, and maybe I won't ever be able to.  Any tips y'all would be willing to share would be appreciated. 





Oh, we're halfway there...

...oh livin' on a prayer! Love some Bon Jovi (yes I thought this was Journey...) in the morning :) Well, I'm officially 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway!! It's crazy to think that I've been pregnant for four and a half months. No wine or martinis or coffee (ok, one cup last week) since JUNE.  Wow.  I look at my SIL's 37 week belly, though, and I think, holy moly, how does my belly grow that much more?!  Honestly she looks like a stick with three basketballs in her shirt and does not appear to have gained any weight except in her belly.  I'd be lucky to look like that.  My first niece will be here sometime in the next month!!

I know I'm behind on my photo challenges, both Indian Summer and Hope.  I had a bleh day yesterday and I just couldn't find the inspiration for HOPE.  Maybe today will be better.

Hi to all my ICLW friends, and happy last day of September ICLW.  For my story, click here, and for some of my favorite posts, here you go...on turning 29, it's all relative, my dear little angel Malachi  .  I love all the new blogs I've found this past week and all the amazing, strong women I've had the pleasure of "meeting."

So the details on 20 weeks...

Size of Baby: A small cantaloupe weighing almost a pound

Total Weight Loss/Gain: Ugh. a total of 18 pounds so far. I hate my OBs scale.

Maternity Clothes: all my pants are now maternity. I can't wait for cooler temps and leggings.

Gender: Boy! We've decided on a name and I can't decide if I want to share it yet or not :)

What I miss: running

Symptoms: my feet have swelled the last few days, maybe because of heat or not enough water.  Not a pleasant feeling, though I did get a pedicure because of it.

Movement: Nudges here and there (I think).  I have an anterior placenta so it's harder to feel movement.  Dr. N. said I should feel movement by 23 weeks and find a pattern of movement by 28 weeks.

Best Moment of the Week: DH coming home last night and talking to his little boy, telling him, "I'm scared but I can't wait for you to be here." Now that Baby Boy can "hear," we try to talk to him more. 

Next Appointment: October 23, but I'm sure I'll go hear the heartbeat again next week.

In HOUSE news, we're hoping to close between next Thursday and the following Monday. So far, this house is working out better than our last two failed attempts, so we are hopeful, though still cautious (sounds like pregnancy, huh?).  I can't wait to post pics! I also need to load my new camera software on the computer so I can start actually using the camera and posting pics. 

Apple [photo challenge]

I'm a teacher who doesn't have an apple readily accessible. Such a crime!  However,  I did buy DH some amazing apples this past weekend.  If you haven't tried a Honeycrisp apple before, I suggest that you hop on your bike/a train/a plane/a car and go buy some immediately.  These are the best apples I've ever tasted, but they're only in season late September through about December.  And these apples are steroid-taking apple size.  Unfortunately, so is their price tag, at least early in the season.  I paid a disgusting $4 a pound for them last week (only organic were available), but I knew DH would love them.  The numerous emails he's sent me this week raving about the apples justify the hit to my bank account.  Let me clarify just how huge these apples are: $4 a pound for 3 apples = $8.31 total. disgusting, I know. 

BUT, he ate all the apples before I could get a picture of them, so here's a picture of a Honeycrisp apple.

Looks like an unassuming, normal apple.  until you bite into it. Just wait for flavor heaven. 
Borrowed ethically from wpclipart.com

Now GO, buy these apples, and enjoy. And by the way, they make a decadent apple pie, but you'll have to wait until November for pictures of my homemade pies :)

Catching Up...Cozy [photo challenge]

We're on Day 26 of Em Hart's Photo Challenge! I knew all day yesterday what I wanted to feature for COZY, but I hadn't gotten around to posting it. 

In the way of introductions, I'm obsessed with Food Network.  I will almost always choose to watch this channel over anything else on TV, even when working out at the gym.  I realize watching food while trying to burn calories is odd, but I guess I see what I'm allowed to eat since I'm working out.  I was finishing my workout last Saturday, watching the Barefoot Contessa, when I saw this amazing winter soup (in the same episode with homemade marshmallows which are on my agenda to try once I have my own kitchen again).  I had to try it.  Funny enough, my mom said to me the next day that she wanted to make pumpkin soup this week and I said, well let's make Ina's soup!!  For those of you not obsessed with Food TV personalities, Ina Garten is the Barefoot Contessa.  And make soup we did.  It was unbelievable.  I'm linking the recipe below in case anyone wants to try their hand at it.  We don't have a food mill, so we just used a food processor and the soup still turned out beautifully.  Bona note: make the croutons. Do it. 

And to COZY now...I walked into the house after my workout yesterday and was enveloped by the beautiful smell of fall cooking on the stove: the soup.  My mom was making this wonderful concoction in a big, ivory dutch oven on the stove.  Ahhhh, soup is cozy, even when the temperatures outside don't even necessitate  a long-sleeved shirt yet.



Link to recipe: YUM YUM YUM



Always IF

Yesterday I had low pelvic pains and a back ache all day.  I don't feel Baby Boy move much yet because I'm only 19.5 weeks, so I had no way to reassure myself that these thing are normal.  Yesterday I was overwhelmed with IF. 

Because my baby didn't just "happen," because my baby has a brother in heaven, I don't know how women with oops pregnancies or no losses feel.  I don't know if they worry about every twinge, if they still check the TP every time, expecting something other than normal.  I remember being 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 9 weeks, and always feeling anxious that something was going to happen to my baby.  I thought that when I reached 13 weeks, all of these feelings would miraculously go away.  They didn't.  13 weeks came and went, along with my freakout after my anatomy scan at 17 weeks.  20 weeks is almost here, and while I'm not quite as obsessive as I used to be, I still worry about every little twinge.  I have gone to the doctor every week just to hear the heartbeat.  I rushed over to my SIL's house yesterday to borrow her doppler.  And the doppler is like a drug...it's no longer enough for me.  It's no longer enough to hear the heartbeat.  I want to know that Baby Boy will arrive in this world perfect, and this is a reassurance I won't have until February.

I'm on what's called a Birth Board on Babycenter. Once in a blue moon, women post something worth reading, or something that I find reassuring, so I keep the app for that reason.  More often than not, though, stories are posted that scare me.  I never knew that I would want to reach 24 weeks and viability so badly.  Pre-term labor, water breaking at 20 weeks--seriously, I never knew these things before, and now that I know them, I have to ask my doctor about them. Better to be informed? Yes.  Better to be scared for Baby Boy before he's even here? Not so much. 

This brings me back to IF.  Not necessarily infertility, but the IFs involved because of IF.  What if something happened? What IF I'm not strong enough to weather another storm? What IF the baby isn't growing like he should?  Without IF, would we have ifs?  Maybe, but would they always be there in our minds, nagging, pulling, tugging for our complete and total attention? Is it ever possible to escape the ifs from our past?  I shared this with DH yesterday too, my fears for Baby Boy, and there's nothing DH can say to make it better.  Only holding Baby Boy in my arms will ever make this journey complete, though I'm pretty sure the scars from the trek will never truly fade.  My only other fail-safe? Prayer. Tons of it.

So today, I will go see Dr. N. for my 20 week checkup, complete with a list of questions and fears for her to address.  There will still be ifs, but 20 weeks is still a milestone.

Heart

From our weekend get-a-way last fall. So naturally beautiful. 

UN Balanced

Today's photo challenge is balance. Let's just be clear: I am not good at finding balance. I take on way too many things because I believe (sometimes incorrectly) that I am super woman.  When I was in the trenches of surgery after surgery with no TTC action in sight, I submitted my application to grad school.  Got accepted.  We decided to sell our house and move.  Sold house in three weeks, still have no permanent house. I was asked to take the head position in the English department at school alongside my current administrative position. Accepted position. And then, lo and behold, Dr. W's magic worked and POOF, baby.  (ok, I guess it was a little more difficult that poof)

How in the freaking world do I balance teaching AP students, heading an English department, managing all of the curriculum (yes, K-12 every subject) for my school, studying for grad school AND a baby? Oh wait, not to mention a new house with two storage areas of boxes to be unpacked...yeah, I have no flipping idea.  But everything always gets done, even though I'm not sure how.  The crazy woman has As in grad school so far, and no teachers in her department have resigned yet.  It's Sunday, and I'm about to leave to watch football with my favorite people, so I guess I've found some way to balance at least a few things so that I can have time to myself. 

I thought a picture of our "storage area" at my parent's house would be a good indication of my lack of balance.

UN balanced

And...in other news...we bought a camera yesterday! I've been so impressed with all the photos from photo challenge that I thought it was time to upgrade from my iPhone camera.  We got a Canon Rebel! So excited to learn how to take beautiful photos with this camera.

Autumn?

I'm having a lovely ICLW so far! L at Tiny Bits of Hope wrote a beautiful post about memories and how we change through loss and/or treatments.  Stop by and read it.

Today's photo challenge is autumn.  Autumn is my absolute favorite season.  The crisp morning air, football, afternoon naps with the windows open...I can just feel it.  Unfortunately, autumn doesn't exist here until oh, mid October.  We've had some nice mornings recently, but the heat always returns.  One of my favorite ways to celebrate autumn started in college.  My roomates and I would brew huge pots of delicious coffee (coffee you can only get in Maryland!) and wrap up in blankets and sit outside.  Sometimes we "rebels" would smoke flavored cigarettes.  I laugh thinking of that because none of us are/were smokers at all! I've always been one who associates smells and feelings with memories.  I could walk outside and think, this feels like a Christmas day, or this feels like a fall day, in the middle of any season.  I love that we are capable of having vivid memories; I guess this is also something to hate, when we can have vivid memories of something painful.



Our morning coffee, enjoying the cool in the air