One Year Ago

One year ago, we learned that our baby had no heartbeat.  We learned that my uterus would never be capable of carrying a baby to full term.  One year ago, I sat at a Mexican restaurant, drinking a margarita, seemingly ok with the decision we had made to miscarry naturally (which incidentally did not happen).  I can't believe that was one year ago.  I can't believe that I thought I was ok, and that even after the D&C that I felt ok about everything.  The reality and full force of loss didn't truly hit me until February or March, almost three months after Malachi had come and gone.  I'm still floored by that, and I wonder how many other women experience that delayed sense of grief.  What has changed in year? Here's the short, easy list:

• We fixed my uterus. 
• I'm pregnant again, for real this time.
• I have found an amazing network of women through this blog.
• DH and I have grown in ways I never imagined. I'm more in love with him now than I've ever been.
• I've experienced the roller coaster that is hormone therapy.
• I empathize so keenly with all women who have experienced loss. 
• I've realized the true and absolute blessing of being able to conceive a child, something I thought would always "just happen."

Now, for the most life-altering thing that has happened over the past year: loss and grief have changed the way I view pregnancy.  I have never been a "just-let-it-go" type of person, and those of you who read my blog already know that.  I read too much and typically know too much.  But loss has only exacerbated this.  I feared the first 6 weeks of my pregnancy that I would have another chemical pregnancy or another no heartbeat ultrasound.  Had I never experienced loss, I never would've understood this overwhelming, heartbreaking fear.  Now, finally in the third trimester, I fear for the health of my baby.  I fear that I could still lose him, as women I've met through this blog have.  I fear that I would not be able to continue on if something happened to Baby Boy.  I fear that my worry and anxiety will destroy my relationship with DH.  I blame this on loss.  I lost my innocence towards pregnancy when I lost Malachi.  Now, I believe that if I can just think about every little thing, if I can just make sure his heart is beating strong all the time, that I can take care of him, that I can protect him from anything bad that may happen between now and February--this isn't necessarily true, though.  I can't protect him.  And when he arrives, I know that I won't be able to protect him from the world, and I don't want to.  I want him to learn and experience, and if that experience hurts, then he will learn how to deal with hurt as I have learned to deal with loss. 

There is a lot of fear in that last paragraph.  Faith trumps fear, I know, both faith in God and faith in Baby Boy.  Faith that I will hold my baby in my arms in 10 weeks.  My faith has been strengthened by loss, but it has also been challenged, more than I'd like to admit.  I can only pray for Baby Boy and for myself, really, that this fear takes a back seat to the joy that is new life.