Today I am...

**This post contains very sensitive pregnancy related information.

If you know me in real life, please keep this information confidential**

(in the name of positivity, I changed the formerly-depressing title of my post)

Today, I am pregnant. This is my mantra, the words I've had to repeat to myself over and over.  Despite this soothing mantra, despite 4 different blood draws that have shown beautifully doubling betas, I am scared.  The numbers do nothing to soothe my heart or my head. 

I keep thinking, what if? All of these beautiful, wonderful women that I have "met" through blogging deserve babies and yet they don't have them.  So how can I be hopeful? How can I easily believe that this baby will be our baby, our little February miracle?

My head is a battlefield, the emotional side trying to convince the logical side to be happy! just live! you're pregnant! But the logical side just won't listen. Logic says, you know what empty ultrasounds look like. Your uterus was basically cut in half by a septum.  What if Dr. W. wasn't as wonderful as you thought?

I hate logic. I just want to be content with today and at peace with tomorrow. 

I'm finding this peace so difficult to come by.  My symptoms come and go, and this freaks me out.  My boobs hurt for a week, and now nothing (though I do fill out an A cup now! woohoo!).  I woke up at 4am thinking, oh man, maybe my boobs shrank? I keep asking myself, am I peeing as much as I was yesterday? "Maybe you should write down the time each time you pee. Then you would know for sure!" says the really crazy J.  Am I tired enough to warrant a real pregnancy? Is the nauseous feeling something I make up, or is it real? Should I be sicker? Would that mean everything's ok? Do other women with successful pregnancies not have many symptoms?

I'm so tired of thinking.  In many ways, I do miss being blissfully ignorant. 

I have been hesitant to write a post about betas or anything relating to pregnancy for several reasons. It's very early and anything could happen.  Also, I know what a sensitive topic it can be for those grieving loss, and I never want to seem flippant about that, never want to forget what we've been through. I guess the main reason I'm writing this post today, though, is because I have my first ultrasound tomorrow, 5w5d.  I.am.petrified.  Honestly, I could really use positive thoughts and prayers from the community I've found here through blogs. We know we most likely won't see a heartbeat tomorrow; all we want is a sac that measures well. 

Positivity is not coming easy, but I feel I owe that to Baby Blob. I don't want Blob to feel my anxiety.  Blob deserves positivity and love, for as long or as short as his life is. 

Tomorrow, I hope the ultrasound confirms the hope trying to seep into my heart.