Worries and Honesty

Thanks to THIS POST and THIS POST for the inspiration to write about reality, not sugar-coated life.  Life with a toddler is hard.  Not every day, but a lot of days.  Daniel is a great kid. He's smart and happy (most of the time) but we still struggle.

Meals: he doesn't always want to eat what I give him.  And yes, sometimes I give in and give him fish sticks or chicken nuggets just so he will eat.  He likes broccoli, so most of his meals have broccoli. It's easier than peas ending up all over my floor.

Sleep: overall, a great sleeper. BUT he wakes up at 6:15, EVERY MORNING.  Not just awake, but screaming his head off in his crib. It's incredibly unpleasant.

Temperament: Both Sparky and I are independent, and can be strong willed, so really, D's behavior shouldn't surprise me.  He wants what HE wants when HE wants it.  He wants keys? He'll scream until he gets keys.  He wants a snack? He'll cry "naaaaa" "naaaa" until you let him in the pantry to get a snack, which he then proceeds to either feed to the dog or spill all over the floor.  He's tired? Well don't even try anything but putting him to bed.  At restaurants, he's good while he's eating, and then he wants to walk around and play, or he'll make your meal a living hell.  We don't give into his tantrums, so there are a lot of times that I have a very unhappy, whiny, crying baby walking around the house.  This is probably my biggest challenge. My niece is so happy and docile all the time, but not Daniel. He doesn't sit still. He doesn't stop moving EVER.  He won't sit and watch TV or play with an iPad or anything like that.  The longest he sits still is when he's eating.  So of course, I worry, did I do something wrong? Or is he just a 16 month old boy?

Development: Overall, he's awesome.  He comprehends everything (put your books away, give the dog her treat, pick up your milk, etc).  But he's not incredibly vocal.  He knows how to say the words but refuses to say them.  I guess this is normal, but again, my niece(5 months older, so 21 months) can say short sentences and pronounce all of our names.

All parents worry, but no one talks about that.  All we see on Facebook are happy babies and blessed mothers, but what about the hard times when milk is spilled all over the floor and your house looks like a tornado blew threw and you haven't cleaned toilets in weeks because you just can't find the time? What about the guilt about falling asleep on the couch right after you eat dinner and not having any time to talk to your husband? That's reality for me these days, and as much as I hate it, I am exhausted.  I guess no one wants to hear about that, until they do, until they need the reassurance that they are normal.  Not everyone can be super mom, with the perfect house and the perfect chevron-striped paper straws that match every party occasion and the children that can eat pasta without getting a speck of it on their monogrammed polo shirt.

Keys AND phone in this picture

The same but different

I always feel very nostalgic at the end of the school year.  Even though I work year-round (administration, woohoo) unlike most in the field of education, there's always the feeling of finality, of something ending.  I just finished my 9th year in education.  I can't believe that.  On Sunday, I leave to grade for the national AP Language and Composition exam, a career-long dream.  I am so excited to have this opportunity, and I am so grateful for my mom and MIL who will help Sparky with Daniel while I'm gone.  I can't even imagine how much I'm going to miss that toddler during those 8 days!

The end of the school year feels the same as it always does, promising days by the pool, lazy evenings on the back porch, and dinosaur-sized mosquitoes.  But this year is different.  Next year I won't be in the classroom. A few years ago, my mind was filled with vacations and pool time; today, I'm overwhelmed thinking about our finances, my student loan debt, and whether or not my car is safe enough for 2 babies.  In short, how can I make this work.

Sometimes I think I'd like to go back to a few years ago when summer promised sleeping in and morning runs without trying to pacify a toddler in a stroller, but then I think...I wouldn't be HERE. I wouldn't be in THIS moment, THIS role as a mom.  I'll swap lazy days by the pool for chasing my toddler any day, while secretly hoping that I can sneak in some pool time, even if said toddler has to be there with me.

Pregnancy #2 has also proven different.  I don't have time to worry, and honestly, I feel so sick most of the time that the sickness takes the place of the worry.  Nights are pretty bad, and Sparky has been amazing at picking up the slack.  Honestly, I've been handing D off to Sparks as soon as he gets home from work, just to sit on the couch, or rest my back/hips for a few minutes.  I'm sure that getting older and picking up a 22+ pound toddler is not helping all these growing pains either.  I try to force myself to eat, telling myself I'll feel better, but typically end up feeling worse. If I'm awake past 9 pm, it's a small miracle!   Maybe all of these things point towards a baby girl on the way...maybe not.  I would love another boy, and I'm definitely partial to that idea...is that just being practical, wanting to reuse all D's stuff?!  Yes, the sickness is different, is new, but the excitement, joy, and the hope of another precious baby in my arms is the same.  Daniel is getting so big that I'm not sure I remember what a newborn feels like.

We decided to do the NT scan with Baby B 2.0, and my appt is 6/26. Prayers appreciated for a good scan and good results.

Another adventure

Because I know you have all been waiting for this...

We are expecting Baby B, 2.0! Due end of December! Maybe his/her competitive spirit will make him/her the first baby born in Texas in 2015.  One can only dream...

Two scans so far have looked great. I'm only with the OB this time, so not quite the kind of monitoring I had with Daniel, but that's ok.  I'm finding less and less time to worry about the pregnancy with a toddler running around my house!

I'm nauseous pretty much always, and as soon as I crave something it makes me want to throw up.  I haven't actually thrown up, same as Daniel, but I don't quite feel great.  I am still running and hope to continue that until it's uncomfortable.  Daniel, the dog, and I really enjoy our early afternoon runs :)

I figured it was time to share our news...9+ weeks in.  We are very excited :)  Eventually I'll share an announcement photo, just like eventually my blog will be private.  Life is crazy right now and I barely have time to sleep, much less blog or take pics or anything else that doesn't involve taking care of a toddler, keeping a house, or single parenting while Sparky is away on business.

OH and if you know me in real life, PLEASE don't spill the beans. We're not ready for that quite yet. This is my safe space!

Here, just quiet

Hopefully we'll have some news to share in a couple of weeks on the baby #2 front.

Until then, this space will probably be a little quiet, though I am reading all of your news and commenting when I can.  Not much to say...unless you want to hear about how D refuses to take milk out of a sippy cup, except in the afternoon out of his silly rabbit cup I got him for Easter. Not too exciting, and maybe a little neurotic on the part of my child.  I feel like Dr. Seuss' green eggs and ham "I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox."  I will not drink milk in a cup. I will not drink--you're out of luck.

And, if you would also like to solve the problem of WHY my child, who has slept through the night since 10 weeks, has suddenly decided to refuse to go to sleep and then after he finally does, wants to wake up 2 times a night and then be up for the day  by 6:30 am, I would love your solutions.

Toddlerhood, you are winning right now.

Toddler tantrums and feelings of detachment

Hello blog space. It's been a while...

A brief catch up:  I attended my friend's daughters' funeral a couple of weeks ago (see my previous post).  It was the hardest, saddest thing I've ever experienced, but I'm so glad that I went.  No parent should ever, EVER have to go through what my friend is going through.  I'm no expert at dealing with grief, but I've made it my goal to let her know that I'm here for her. She's not really taking calls, as I understand, so I just send her little messages and cards each week, because some day, some time, she will need me.

Daniel is growing like a weed.  He's hit toddler tantrum stage with full force, and he's stubborn and independent, just like his dad and me.  I used to have a child that never screamed.  Yeah that's gone.  He complains a lot.  He wants to get his way and when he doesn't, he lets you know.  We are NOT giving in to his tantrums, so I deal with a lot of complaining. We have a daily battle over the dog's water bowl.  My child LOVES the water, which will be great in the summer when we're spending time in the pool, but right now, it's trouble. He likes to climb on the ledge of our hot tub and splash around. Thanks, Sparky, for teaching him that. Yesterday he learned how to pull up the cover for the pool skimmer basket and find the water in there too. He loves to be outside and says "YAY!!!" really loudly anytime you ask him if he wants to go outside. Then, he makes a beeline for the back door. Yesterday, I told him we would go outside after his diaper change, so he proceeded to lay down on the tile in the living room and put his legs in the air so I would change his diaper RIGHT THERE. So funny.

hanging out in his playhouse

We have a love/hate relationship with veggies, and we are still using the bottle (oops).  I plan on taking away the bottle starting on Sunday...cold turkey straight to sippy cup.  He loves water out of his sippy cups, but when I put milk in there, he spits it out.  I really don't get it.  I'm hesitant to give up the bottle because I love giving it to him :) I love sitting with him in my arms, and he's so big and active that I don't get that chance often.  We put him down completely awake at night so I know he doesn't need the bottle to go to sleep, but I love that part of the evening.

He's saying the typical toddler things...mama, dada, ball, puppy (still baba), night night, outside (eh-da), and he knows a lot of animal sounds (cow, dog, duck, sometimes he knows kitty cat, bird, train--not an animal I know).  He's so darn stubborn, though, and only "performs" when he feels like it.  I always wonder if I'm doing enough to teach him.  His sign language has gotten stronger with reinforcement at daycare, so I really like that :)

And on to me...started 50mg Clomid this cycle.  No side effects, besides feeling completely detached from TTC this month.  Something about having a prescription for everything has just made me not think about it.  I don't even know my test date or when I would be due if we did conceive.  Seriously, this is not like me! And I'm ok with it.  It feels good.  I think there's a part of me that has come to terms with already being a mom, and if that's the only baby I'm supposed to have, he's pretty great.  So onward to the next day....and maybe just maybe, I'll have something more positive to post around the end of the month.

Heartbroken and reeling

I've been fortunate enough in my life to only have brief encounters with death.  My grandfather passed away when I was 10, and my great uncle passed away last October.  I truly can't put a finger on many other deaths that have affected me.

So I write today with a broken heart.  My college roommate, a girl who I lived with for four years, has lost two of her three daughters in a tragic car accident.  Olivia, 6, and Emma, 3, sustained fatal injuries, and my roommate, who was also life-flighted, survived.  Her 4-year old daughter was home with her dad, thank God.  

Death is a part of life, but that is much easier to accept when the person has had a chance to LIVE that life. These precious babies did not.

In college, we dreamed of our future families, our future weddings (to very different men than we ended up marrying!) our future careers.  As girls do, we talked about everything.  Late night bunk conversations that turned into conversations over a good bottle of wine, and now conversations we're lucky to have through email and messaging.  But we never talked about grief, never imagined that something so tragic could happen.  And why would we?  We live in a world of rose-colored glasses, whether we adorn those glasses by choice, by circumstance, or by happenstance.  When these tragedies do happen, how do we cope? 

I keep replaying the conversation I had with her mother in my head, when she told me that the 6-year old who there was hope would survive wouldn't make it.  I am trying to take comfort in the fact that B was holding both her girls as they became angels. I just don't think there is any comfort in the loss of lives cut so short, lives just blooming and just beginning to be lived. 

Please, however religious or non religious you are, I ask that you lift up this family.  I'm not sure how you move on from such a tragedy, as the mother, father, or middle sister.  I can only pray that B has the strength to make it through the next hour, the next day, and maybe, the next year.  

I remain heartbroken.

If you would like to donate to the family (he is a college prof, she is a SAHM), here is a link to do so.  Their medical expenses and now funeral expenses are already exorbitant as the little girls will be flown home to Maryland to rest in peace.  God bless the little angels, Olivia and Emma.

Becca and Sean

A post about a new obsession and revisiting old ones...

I'm addicted. Sad to say, but I'm addicted to Downton Abbey.  I'm even more addicted to it because it's free with Amazon Prime and I can watch it on the iPad in the mornings while I drink my coffee and put my makeup on.  I knew multitasking would serve me well one day.  

I've always thought I should live in a different time period, as long as I was wealthy.  I think I would've loved London in the 1920s, or Yorkshire.  I also think I would've been well-suited to be a southern belle.  The dresses, the formalities...I love it all.  I really enjoy the characters on DA, and the plot is scandalous enough to keep your interest but still be believable.  I also love the English accents; I'm a sucker for a beautiful man with a beautiful accent (sorry Sparks).  He likes Jennifer Lawrence, I like Jude Law. Same initials, so really, there's no harm done.  

I'm on the last episode of season 3 right now, the last free streaming Amazon Prime season, and I will probably spend the $20 on season 4.  To me, the $20 is worth it for something I enjoy in the only "me" time I get.

And an old obsession...Fertility Friend. We are NOT friends, but I am back to obsessing over my chart and my symptoms.  We've been officially TTC #2 for 3 months, taking away the month I stopped breastfeeding. I have a love/hate relationship with FF. I love the women in the forums that I've "met" and befriended.  They all happen to be in their 30s, pregnancy coming easy to none of them, and I enjoy talking to other people in my situation.  I won't say much about it because I still haven't made my blog private, but the road to #2 hasn't been emotionally easy for either Sparky or me.

One more note about old friends...I spent time this week with my darling, dear friend Tabaitha.  I had forgotten how necessary friendship is.  My BFF moved across the country, and I think I've fallen into a friend rut without her.  Having a glass of wine and laughing with Tab the other night made me feel like a person again, not just a mom or a wife or a student.  We have so much history, and she's such a wonderful person. I could go on and on, but I won't. Yesterday, I was having a terrible day, and my SIL happened to text me.  I'd had a terrible morning, an argument with Sparky, and all around frustration with this TTC cycle. She knew just what to say, and I love her for it.  I'll end with this: mutual respect, love, and faith in each other are the foundation for solid, lifelong friendships. I'm blessed to have found this in the women in my life, and I'm blessed to be reminded of this in the tough times, which this week has been.

Daniel had hand, foot, and mouth virus this week in addition to pushing out 2 new bottom teeth.  It's been a rough week, to say the least, but I think we're through the worst of it.  We started putting Aquaphor on the sores on his lips and chin and he woke up looking much better.  OH and I accepted a position to read for the AP Language Exam again this year!!!! If you remember, I had to back out last year, so I'm THRILLED that I was asked again and now have the opportunity to fulfill one of my career goals. 

I know this is a random post. This week--though it's almost over--is FINALLY looking up.  I'm hoping for a + OPK this weekend and for a happy, happy right ovary and right tube.  We are wishing on a star and praying for December baby :)