"hello?" she whispers into the cavernous void...

"is anyone still out there?"

....silence....

Maybe not.  Most days I'm not even sure if I'm here.  But maybe you are. And maybe you're reading this.  Or maybe I'm just writing for myself, and that's ok as well.  Or maybe I'm writing because our internet keeps going down at work and I can't really get anything accomplished.

Cameron is 8 and a half months old, y'all.  SERIOUSLY. Where is the time going!?  Something weird happens when babies hit 8 months.  It's like a woman's ovaries go into overdrive and all of a sudden I WANT ALL THE BABIES.  And not in a creepy "A Modest Proposal" sort of way, but in a please-just-let-me-smell-the-baby sort of way. Ok that's kind of creepy too.

Somehow, a smiling, happy, mama-mama saying baby can erase the anxiety and the hurt and the fear of the first three months of his life, almost.  I say *almost* because I can't quite seem to forget the feeling of those first three months.  Even now writing this, I feel my chest tense up.  And if--somehow--I could just manage to forget, just a little bit, I could consider having another baby.

My brother and his wife had a baby girl three weeks ago.  When we went to visit them, they had her in the swing with the music playing, and the memory of that swing and music sent me in to panic attack mode.  It's real, y'all.  So maybe I can't do it now  Maybe all I can do is to focus on the two precious boys I have.

So...here's a round-up of what's going on around here.

Daniel is 2 and a half and started PK2 at the school where I work.  He potty trained like a freakin champ.  I feel like we're going through a purposefully rebellious stage right now, acting out at school, peeing in his brother's trashcan, throwing food in the dog's water bowl, but maybe that's just being 2 years old.  Parenting is an ever-changing thing, and we're just working to figure out what works in terms of discipline.  He's a very auditory learner so we have a lot of discussions and repetition.  But he's the sweetest boy. He never sits still (unless to watch the same Curious George episode again) and he adores his daddy and his little brother. And his teddy.

Cam is close to 9 months.  He smiles at the drop of a hat and rarely cries.  He crawls and is in to EVERYTHING, his favorite things being Daniel's toys.  He sleeps in his crib all night (and yeah, that didn't happen until almost 5 months).  He still seems to hate naps on most days, but we're getting better.  He sleeps through the night most nights and is an early riser like me and his brother.  He wants to stand and walk so badly, but he's not quite there.  I could squish and kiss him all day, and I'm pretty sure his favorite place to be is sitting on my hip.  He refuses most purees in favor of real food, which makes my life easier because I can feed both boys the same thing  We made it to about six months of nursing, and then my supply dropped and I went back to work, so I swallowed my guilt and my pride and started him on formula. He's growing like a weed (maybe more out that up!) and we call him our little linebacker, a stocky, squatty little boy.

As for me...well I'm here.  Trying to survive every day as a full-time working momma of two boys. Some days I feel like I rock it (like when I take the boys for a dinner picnic to the park); other days I want a glass of wine by 9 am. I'm currently training for a Tough Mudder and 3 half marathons. Because that's what I do for ME.  I don't have time to get my nails done, but this I do and I do it for me only.  It keeps me sane.

So in a nutshell, I'm here.

Even if no one else is.

...I'll fill the cavernous void with some words, at least for right now...