Where I've been

Cameron is almost 14 weeks. The first six weeks of his life he screamed unless he was sleeping. Sleep at night consisted of 40 minute stretches, sometimes on me, truly wherever he would lay down. He was always squirming in pain, crazy flailing his arms and legs. We tried reflux meds to no avail, and finally tried one that worked. Weeks 6-10 weren't great, but they weren't as bad, at least for him. Parents of colicky babies get it. There was nothing anyone could do to quiet him. I felt like a failure. I cried daily. I was sleep deprived. Thank goodness for my mother who saved me multiple times. And thank goodness for my husband who made me go see my therapist. 

I'm not sure if I was/am suffering from PPD, but definitely PP anxiety. My anxiety level was through the roof. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to throw up all the time. I felt incapable of taking care of either child. Poor D got snapped at because I was at the end of my rope. I called my mom one night when I thought I couldn't go on. I was outside, C was screaming, and hubs had D upstairs. She came over and stayed with me for two days. That's when I realized how bad I had gotten. 

My therapist was amazing, and now at 14 weeks, C isn't necessarily easy all the time, but with more sleep, I'm doing better. C went off his reflux meds three weeks ago, and he's a pretty happy baby during the day. He only naps 45 minutes at a time and our nights are all over the place, but it's better. D was such a great sleeper--I wasn't prepared for this!! C will sleep all night for a couple of days in a row and then have a crappy night, but I did speak to a sleep consultant and we will start sleep training at four months. 

I know this post isn't eloquently written, but I wanted to get it out there. I'm sad that I didn't love the first ten weeks of C's life. I loved him but not the circumstances. I'm enjoying him now, but the anxiety is still there when he throws a shit fit. We have all survived, and some days, that's all you can ask for.