The Cat That Walked By Herself

Hi y'all! I'm very behind in posting, though I've been trying to keep up with my commenting.  I have SO MUCH to share but I'll start with my title.

A few months ago, I read a fictional trilogy about the Kinsella sisters.  In the third book, the main character, Cat, refers to herself as the cat that walked by herself, taken from Rudyard Kipling's short story, "The Cat that Walked by Himself."  I came across this title a few days ago and on my drive home from work yesterday, I started reflecting on it again.  I am that cat. 

I have always been an independent girl, probably for a couple of reasons. One, it's easier to depend on yourself than other people and at least you only let yourself down instead of other people.  Two, I've always been overly concerned with what people think about me, and acting independently allowed me to create a shield around myself.  As I have gotten older, I've gotten more independent.  I do not rely on others to do anything I can do myself; in fact, I probably do more work because I don't want to rely on others.  DH and I make our decisions between just the two of us.  We may talk to others, but at the end of the day, we take responsibility for everything and do not bother others with our decisions, whether those decisions end in positive or negative ways. 

When we lost Malachi, I didn't tell anyone at work.  I told everyone I was sick.  No one understood my grief, so I tried to grieve alone and put on a happy face in front of everyone else.  When my SIL got pregnant, I felt the same way.  I dealt with my issues at home, alone.  I cried to myself, but in front of others, I was the happy aunt-to-be.  My answer always seems to be "I'll deal with it.  I'm fine." 
On Saturday and Sunday, I started having terrible pains in my groin, way low down (away from where I assume the baby is).  My back was also hurting which scared me because that's what I felt in Nov/Dec with my first ill-fated pregnancy.  I was terrified that something had happened to Baby B.  But I was alone in this.  Everyone just says the baby is fine! it's fine! it's normal! you'll be fine! Words and phrases you cannot say to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.  So finally, I called my friend who experienced loss and then a healthy pregnancy.  Then I was able to relax at least a little.  I was NOT alone.  I did go to Dr. N. the next day and everything was fine, but for those two days, I was not independent.  I was dependent on someone to tell me that my baby was fine. 

It seems weird that I have this baby who is completely and totally dependent on me and I can't do anything for it.  I, in turn, have to be completely dependent on my doctors to take care of me.  I guess I'm not as independent as I thought. 

In other news...
We lost house #2.  This was a bank-owned property that--after a month--the bank decided they didn't want to sell us.  We are devastated.  Our realtor can't believe this has happened to us again.  We were so excited about this house.  Now, as my in-laws are also moving, we are moving in with my parents for the time being.  DH goes to Finland for business on the 19th, so after that I guess we will be looking for house #3.  I haven't been taking the situation too well as I am just READY for my own space again.  I start school in 2 weeks and I'm worried about not having a place to study and work. 

Before-school prep is in full swing. I'm busier than...Michael Phelps at the Olympics? ha.

Baby B sounded good on Monday.  Update coming soon.