Weaning by the numbers

Little D is 9 months today. NINE MONTHS! He is crazy, crawling boy and thinks he can walk, though he cannot.  I told myself that I would breastfeed until he was 9 months, and now that it's here, I'm walking a fine line between weaning and not weaning.

As of last week, I have stopped pumping at work.  As of today, I have no more frozen breastmilk in my freezer. Sad day.  All that means is that I nurse D 3 times a day (AM, 4:00pm, night time) and then he gets 2 bottles when he's at school.  He's boycotting the bottle right now, but that's a post for another time, along with my (his?) food woes.  After our baby-less trip last weekend--4 days away total--I was afraid that my milk was just gone. I could barely pump 2 ounces and I was sad, because even if I weaned D during the day, I at least wanted to nurse him in the morning and before bed.  But as soon as we got home and I started nursing again, my body stepped up and met his needs. Pretty awesome.

Breastfeeding this long is one of my greatest accomplishments, and I think I've done a lot of pretty good things in my life.  We struggled; at 3 weeks I wanted to throw out the boob and in the bottle, but we persevered.  I am so proud of myself, and if you know me at all, you know it takes a lot for me to give myself kuddos or a pat on the boob for anything.  My goal is to nurse him, at least AM and PM, until he turns 1, or until there's a baby #2 that may make nursing him impossible.  While I do miss being able to feed him five times a day on the weekend, I do NOT miss the close, personal relationship with my pump.

I bid a fond farewell to the whiny pump noise...and as a parting gift, here are some numbers...

• 80--days I pumped at work (since August only)
• 4800--minutes I spent pumping at work (since August only)
• 120--disposable pump wipes I used
• 3--boxes of breastmilk storage bags now gone
• 160--ounces of milk I once had in my freezer
• 2--ounces of milk I ended up pumping once D started eating more solids
• 6--bottles of Fenugreek I've gone through since February
• 8--times D has bitten me since he's gotten teeth (a relatively low number considering he's had teeth for a while now)
• 4--ounces of milk/formula D is drinking at each feeding, when he decides he wants the bottle
• 4--airport bathrooms in different cities in which I have pumped
• 3--states I have pumped in 
• 2--times I've had to take out multiple bags of breastmilk to go through TSA security
• 1--time I was asked "ma'am, what is in that bag" referring to my pump
• 1--wedding dinner I've had to leave to pump 
• 0--number of times I regret schlepping my pump EVERYWHERE 

A post I've been writing in my head for some time about working moms v. SAHMs is imminent, once I get the clarity of mind to write all of the thoughts down that are crammed in my head. 

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Are we here again already?

2 posts in one day...wow.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday.  Not that we were trying last month, but I thought maybe, just maybe, Right Ovary had been her overachieving self and we would get lucky pregnant and then I could say, "and we weren't even trying!" as I rub my large belly and smirk disdainfully at those who saying having a baby is easy and, "just relax."

Ha.
Ha.

That damn pee stick was as white as white could be.  Almost like it was laughing in my face.  Looking at pee sticks now is quite different than it was when we first started trying. Now I'm either juggling a baby on my hip or preventing said baby from falling on his face while pulling himself up on my bathroom stool as I squint and re-arrange and hold the pee stick into the light.  (hey--you know you do this too...if I look just right will I see the beginning of a pink line?).  And I think that baby makes the stark white pee stick bearable, at least for now.  That little bundle of crawling, screeching, talking, drooling craziness is what keeps me sane but also what makes me yearn to be pregnant again.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my BFF (she has a 6 mo daughter).  I was telling her that I was logically ready for #2--I'm 30, I'm ready to not be pregnant forever, my career is at a point where I could stay home--but that I wasn't emotionally ready.  Then something clicked last week: I'm ready.  In my heart, I know that I could give #2 the love it deserves and still love D more and more every day.

The other night I had a dream THREE TIMES that I was pregnant.  Then Sparky emailed me and told me he had been doing some thinking and was ready to grow our family.  THEN a girl who had borrowed my maternity dresses brought them back to me at work.  This is all in the same day people! I mean, it was like a veritable burning bush of signs.

So, I guess we are officially trying.  But with the cheap OPKs, not the really good Mercedes of OPKs, yet. For some reason the cheap tests take the pressure off so seeing a white prego pee stick doesn't hurt quite as much.  I seem to be ovulating, though with only one tube, I know our monthly chances aren't as good as they could be.  I'm nervous, excited, ready, and not ready all at the same time.  True to form, I've already picked out a new pregnancy announcement.  I love focusing on things like that; I think it's just a coping mechanism I have.

One of my hs BFFs is pregnant with her third, and BFF with the 6 mo is also ready to be prego again, and my wonderful SIL (with the 1 year old) told me today that she and BIL are ready to give my neice a sibling as well.  So maybe 2014 will bring a baby boom.

Right now, I feel calm about all of this. Give me two months of stark white pee sticks and I may need some X.anax.

D's first Halloween!

My niece's nickname is Tinkerbell...so that inspired me to dress D as Peter Pan for Halloween.  That, and the fact that Sparky's nickname has always been Peter Pan, the boy who never wants to grow up :)

Trying to get D to smile is almost as difficult as changing his diaper or his clothes.  He's a very contemplative boy (lol)

Peter Pan, mom and dad, and a whole lotta teething drool

no, those leaves are NOT growing out of his head or a part of his costume

E trying to steal D's candy already

"What, you're telling us we can't eat this stuff? What's the point then?!"
(we had some sleepy cousins at this point)

Wave of Light

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  Two years ago, (on Halloween), we conceived our first child.  I remember taking the positive test at 4 in the morning.  I remember the sheer excitement.  I remember a few weeks later, blood gushing out and calling my husband and our doctor frantically, hoping for the best but knowing in my heart that the worst was happening.

If you want, you can read Malachi's story here.  There's no way I can recount it again; the thought still brings tears to my eyes.

For 7 weeks, we loved our little Malachi.  I know now his purpose was to reveal my f-ed up uterus and ultimately, he did pave the way for Daniel to bless our lives.  But I still remember him.  I'm not sure if I'll ever forget my first baby.  And on this day, all women who have lost babies are in my prayers.

A Day In the Life...

I just read a wonderful post from Our Griswold about her life as a working momma of twins.  I don't want to link it because I can't remember if she's private or not!  So I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on my life as a working momma.  When I'm old and senile, I want to remember what it was like to be young and feel like you could take on the world :)

I start the day around 4:45 am. I roll groaningly jump out of bed with the first sound of my alarm.  Sparks continues to be amazed--even after 6 years of marriage--that I have never "snoozed" in my life.  I mentioned the other day that I don't even know how to snooze on the iPhone.  Shower, wash hair (well, every other day) and I mention washing hair because washing, prepping, and drying crazy curly hair (c-c-c-curly!) is a task in and of itself.  5:15, coffee pot beeps, big cup of coffee, get ready.  In kitchen by 5:55. Put away clean dishes, do a load of laundry and/or unload dishwasher, shove a bowl of oatmeal down my throat, feed dog, give dog medicine.

At 6:25, I'm upstairs in D's nursery, singing him the "rise and shine" song and waking up my lil muffin.  I HATE waking him up :( the only thing that makes it better is the huge smile I get when he rolls over.  Get D dressed, nurse D, get myself dressed, wash D's face (you would think I was killing him when I wash his face). Put D in carseat, take D out of carseat to change poopy diaper.  seriously, it's like carseat = poop time!  Get bottles/D's lunch out of fridge, pack D's bag, give puppy her treat, pack car, pack D. Out the door by 6:55.

Drop D off at "school," talk to D's teacher about how crazy I am that I packed him a tiny little container of applesauce as his treat for eating his carrots/corn/potatoes (freshly made, of course), give D a kiss, off to work.

Work, pump, work, pump, work, 7:30-2.  Pick D up (yay! I love this part! He holds his hands up to me and smiles!).  D nap, 2:30-3:30, on a good day.  During this time, I run around like a crazy woman washing bottles, washing pump parts, washing tupperware.  I make D's bottles and lunch for the next day, make my lunch, make coffee, and usually get maybe a load of laundry in or a batch of baby food made or dinner prepped before nap time is over.  I devote 3:30-bedtime to playing with D.  Hopefully with the cooler weather coming I'll be able to start running again, with D of course. That's the one thing I've given up to make life work, and I miss it like crazy. Sparky gets home around 5:45 and I usually hand D over to him for daddy play or swim time, before and after D's dinner.

6:00--dinner time for D (chicken, veggie, fruit for dessert), followed by 15 minutes of Baby First TV (love this channel).  During that 15 minutes, Sparks sits with D and I clean up the kitchen and do some dinner prep.  6:45, bath time, book, boob, bed. And I'm downstairs by 7:20.  Cook dinner (or Sparks cooks), eat dinner, do grad school work or grade papers until bedtime at 10, or whenever I pass out on the couch.  And then we're up at 4:45 to start all over again.  Thank goodness D sleeps from 7:20-6:20 or I don't know how I'd get anything done.  I KNOW I am sooo blessed to have that.

This weekend, I'm leaving D for the first time! My future cousin-in-law's bachelorette party is in DC this weekend, and I'm going.  I'm still going strong with the breastfeeding, so my trusty pump will make its way there with me and hopefully I won't notice too much difference in my supply when I get home if I skip a pumping or two.  My goal is to EBF until early November and then wean D to just a morning/night feeding. Our cousin's wedding is in November and we'll be away from baby for 4 days and it's not logical that I can pump every feeding during that 4 days.  I LOVE bf'ing and I'll be sad to wean D, but I know that if we do truly want to start TTC again, I should at least start weaning him.  More on that another time :)

And of course, no post is complete without a picture of my almost-crawler.

You can't really tell, but his cold was in full swing in this picture

Well hello 30, you're looking good today

And I'm 30.  Officially out of my 20s.  Officially was a sophomore in high school when my students (this year) were born. O.M.G. My bestie keeps telling me 30 is sexy, and today, I feel sexy.  I feel amazing, confident, and comfortable in my own skin, even post-baby.  I'm still the self-conscious, what-are-people-thinking-about-me twenty year old underneath, but that girl's voice gets weaker and weaker with each passing year.  So, in honor of 30, and taking a page from Cassie's book, here's 30 by the numbers...

21--students I have this year
2--times I've been in love
1--men I've wanted to spend my entire life with
over 200--times I think about my  baby when I'm at work
12--ounces I have to pump each day at work to feed baby the next day
6--babies in D's class
16--ounces of coffee I've consumed today
4--courses until I have my master's degree
80--score I have to make on my practice principal exam before I'm released to take the real exam
4--girl friends I consider my best friends
1--friend who lives in California and who I miss every.single.day
4--sisters/sister-in-laws I have and adore
1000--photos taken of Daniel at his 6 month photo shoot
5--students I'm friends with on Facebook
5--probably the number of students that remember me as a teacher
700--approximate students I've taught in my career
7.5--age of my oldest "child," our dog Callie
10--low estimate of the number of times I talk to my mom at work
8.25--ounces I just pumped
1.5--years I've blogged
565--comments on my blog
52--times I've taken off my clothes in my office at work to feed baby or to pump
7--people coming to my house tonight for my birthday dinner
11--hours D slept last night
30--minutes D's naps last these days
1--days I've worked out in the past two weeks (UGH--worst part of my busy schedule)
895--photos on my iPhone
at least 500--photos of D on my iPhone
2--hours my next meeting will last
6--bottles I wash every day after work/daycare
45--minutes I spend in the kitchen washing bottles and prepping for the next day
bazillion--books in the bookroom of which I'm in charge at work
10+--times I've read and loved Little Women
10+--times I've read and loved Anne of Green Gables books
0--movies I've seen in the past six months
6--months my life has been changed by being a mom
infinity and beyond--amount I love my son (and my hubs)
2000+--paper streamers that decorated the floor for my birthday this morning
20--pink balloons in the kitchen
17--emails I've sent today

And finally-- 30 -- the number of years I am today.

A new obsession

Thanks to Bebe Suisse's suggestion of a new browser, Google Chrome and I are back to blogging!  Now if my mommy brain can only remember everything I've wanted to post about...first on the agenda (or the only thing I can remember right now) is our search for the "perfect daycare."

Three years ago, I resigned my awesome leadership/teaching position at Big 5A High School.  I took a significant pay cut and a new administrative position at Small Private School.  I attended SPS for years and I always felt that I would serve there in some way, so when I was presented with the opportunity and Sparky and I could afford it financially, I took it.  Upon taking the job, we were expecting SPS to offer infant care and this was a HUGE incentive to accept the pay cut.  We didn't want to put our future child in daycare, so having him with me at work was going to be pretty awesome.

Fast forward through a miscarriage, three surgeries, and one baby later, and we're now in May 2013.  SPS can't offer infant care due to fire code restrictions and the cost of getting everything up to code.  I begin a frantic search for care to start in August.  SPS let me have D at work with me all summer--amazing.  I looked into home care nannies, learning centers, day cares, and a nanny who would come to our house.  The one uniting factor: baby care = freakin' expensive.  I've read about other moms who reserved spots in daycare as soon as they found out they were expecting, but I never thought we'd need daycare.  Thank goodness my city has numerous excellent opportunities and only one place I called was not accepting applications.

As with anything, I'm nothing if not thorough.  I got on care.com (great site, totally worth it) and put out an ad for nannies.  I created a list of questions and carefully narrowed down my nanny responses and asked two for interviews.  The young lady I interviewed was phenomenal, until I realized that she would cost us a fortune every month.  Sparks and I tried to reconcile our finances to include her fees, but we just couldn't do it. So, I talked to everyone.  I got names, numbers, day care info, and just visited (with D) many different places. I was exhausted physically and mentally.  I had one more place to go and honestly, I didn't want to.  But my mom, in her infinite wisdom, told me to do my due diligence and just check it out.

Off I went, without D this time, to the last learning center.  I fell in love.  The infant room was bright and airy.  The atmosphere was warm and caring and CLEAN.  The teacher had just got done "bubble dancing" with one of the babies as the other two slept, though she informed me the others would get to play with bubbles when they got up, because she doesn't like any babies not to get to have fun.  I knew right there that this was the place for D.  They stay under the legal limit of babies to caregivers, there's in room monitoring I can see, and she tirelessly logs D's every moves into my new obsession: baby connect.  It's an app/website that she shares with me so I can see when he has a diaper change, eats, naps, etc.  We exchange messages this way too.

D checked out "school" for two hours and did great, so last Monday, he started going 7:15-2:15.  (my modified work hours are 7:30-2).  I cannot rave about his experience enough.  His teacher texts me pictures throughout the day and he is zonked when I pick him up.  He is napping well and eating well and just thriving.  I like that he's learning to play with other babies, and his teacher works with the babies on different skills all day.  He's learning to hold his bottle right now, and all the babies are learning sign language.

It still hurts dropping him off every day and I can't wait to see him at 2:15, but I know he's in great hands. Of course, I'm obsessed with the in-room camera and baby connect.

Learning to "read" at daycare :) and oh yeah, we sit up now!