Wave of Light

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.  Two years ago, (on Halloween), we conceived our first child.  I remember taking the positive test at 4 in the morning.  I remember the sheer excitement.  I remember a few weeks later, blood gushing out and calling my husband and our doctor frantically, hoping for the best but knowing in my heart that the worst was happening.

If you want, you can read Malachi's story here.  There's no way I can recount it again; the thought still brings tears to my eyes.

For 7 weeks, we loved our little Malachi.  I know now his purpose was to reveal my f-ed up uterus and ultimately, he did pave the way for Daniel to bless our lives.  But I still remember him.  I'm not sure if I'll ever forget my first baby.  And on this day, all women who have lost babies are in my prayers.

A Day In the Life...

I just read a wonderful post from Our Griswold about her life as a working momma of twins.  I don't want to link it because I can't remember if she's private or not!  So I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on my life as a working momma.  When I'm old and senile, I want to remember what it was like to be young and feel like you could take on the world :)

I start the day around 4:45 am. I roll groaningly jump out of bed with the first sound of my alarm.  Sparks continues to be amazed--even after 6 years of marriage--that I have never "snoozed" in my life.  I mentioned the other day that I don't even know how to snooze on the iPhone.  Shower, wash hair (well, every other day) and I mention washing hair because washing, prepping, and drying crazy curly hair (c-c-c-curly!) is a task in and of itself.  5:15, coffee pot beeps, big cup of coffee, get ready.  In kitchen by 5:55. Put away clean dishes, do a load of laundry and/or unload dishwasher, shove a bowl of oatmeal down my throat, feed dog, give dog medicine.

At 6:25, I'm upstairs in D's nursery, singing him the "rise and shine" song and waking up my lil muffin.  I HATE waking him up :( the only thing that makes it better is the huge smile I get when he rolls over.  Get D dressed, nurse D, get myself dressed, wash D's face (you would think I was killing him when I wash his face). Put D in carseat, take D out of carseat to change poopy diaper.  seriously, it's like carseat = poop time!  Get bottles/D's lunch out of fridge, pack D's bag, give puppy her treat, pack car, pack D. Out the door by 6:55.

Drop D off at "school," talk to D's teacher about how crazy I am that I packed him a tiny little container of applesauce as his treat for eating his carrots/corn/potatoes (freshly made, of course), give D a kiss, off to work.

Work, pump, work, pump, work, 7:30-2.  Pick D up (yay! I love this part! He holds his hands up to me and smiles!).  D nap, 2:30-3:30, on a good day.  During this time, I run around like a crazy woman washing bottles, washing pump parts, washing tupperware.  I make D's bottles and lunch for the next day, make my lunch, make coffee, and usually get maybe a load of laundry in or a batch of baby food made or dinner prepped before nap time is over.  I devote 3:30-bedtime to playing with D.  Hopefully with the cooler weather coming I'll be able to start running again, with D of course. That's the one thing I've given up to make life work, and I miss it like crazy. Sparky gets home around 5:45 and I usually hand D over to him for daddy play or swim time, before and after D's dinner.

6:00--dinner time for D (chicken, veggie, fruit for dessert), followed by 15 minutes of Baby First TV (love this channel).  During that 15 minutes, Sparks sits with D and I clean up the kitchen and do some dinner prep.  6:45, bath time, book, boob, bed. And I'm downstairs by 7:20.  Cook dinner (or Sparks cooks), eat dinner, do grad school work or grade papers until bedtime at 10, or whenever I pass out on the couch.  And then we're up at 4:45 to start all over again.  Thank goodness D sleeps from 7:20-6:20 or I don't know how I'd get anything done.  I KNOW I am sooo blessed to have that.

This weekend, I'm leaving D for the first time! My future cousin-in-law's bachelorette party is in DC this weekend, and I'm going.  I'm still going strong with the breastfeeding, so my trusty pump will make its way there with me and hopefully I won't notice too much difference in my supply when I get home if I skip a pumping or two.  My goal is to EBF until early November and then wean D to just a morning/night feeding. Our cousin's wedding is in November and we'll be away from baby for 4 days and it's not logical that I can pump every feeding during that 4 days.  I LOVE bf'ing and I'll be sad to wean D, but I know that if we do truly want to start TTC again, I should at least start weaning him.  More on that another time :)

And of course, no post is complete without a picture of my almost-crawler.

You can't really tell, but his cold was in full swing in this picture

Well hello 30, you're looking good today

And I'm 30.  Officially out of my 20s.  Officially was a sophomore in high school when my students (this year) were born. O.M.G. My bestie keeps telling me 30 is sexy, and today, I feel sexy.  I feel amazing, confident, and comfortable in my own skin, even post-baby.  I'm still the self-conscious, what-are-people-thinking-about-me twenty year old underneath, but that girl's voice gets weaker and weaker with each passing year.  So, in honor of 30, and taking a page from Cassie's book, here's 30 by the numbers...

21--students I have this year
2--times I've been in love
1--men I've wanted to spend my entire life with
over 200--times I think about my  baby when I'm at work
12--ounces I have to pump each day at work to feed baby the next day
6--babies in D's class
16--ounces of coffee I've consumed today
4--courses until I have my master's degree
80--score I have to make on my practice principal exam before I'm released to take the real exam
4--girl friends I consider my best friends
1--friend who lives in California and who I miss every.single.day
4--sisters/sister-in-laws I have and adore
1000--photos taken of Daniel at his 6 month photo shoot
5--students I'm friends with on Facebook
5--probably the number of students that remember me as a teacher
700--approximate students I've taught in my career
7.5--age of my oldest "child," our dog Callie
10--low estimate of the number of times I talk to my mom at work
8.25--ounces I just pumped
1.5--years I've blogged
565--comments on my blog
52--times I've taken off my clothes in my office at work to feed baby or to pump
7--people coming to my house tonight for my birthday dinner
11--hours D slept last night
30--minutes D's naps last these days
1--days I've worked out in the past two weeks (UGH--worst part of my busy schedule)
895--photos on my iPhone
at least 500--photos of D on my iPhone
2--hours my next meeting will last
6--bottles I wash every day after work/daycare
45--minutes I spend in the kitchen washing bottles and prepping for the next day
bazillion--books in the bookroom of which I'm in charge at work
10+--times I've read and loved Little Women
10+--times I've read and loved Anne of Green Gables books
0--movies I've seen in the past six months
6--months my life has been changed by being a mom
infinity and beyond--amount I love my son (and my hubs)
2000+--paper streamers that decorated the floor for my birthday this morning
20--pink balloons in the kitchen
17--emails I've sent today

And finally-- 30 -- the number of years I am today.

A new obsession

Thanks to Bebe Suisse's suggestion of a new browser, Google Chrome and I are back to blogging!  Now if my mommy brain can only remember everything I've wanted to post about...first on the agenda (or the only thing I can remember right now) is our search for the "perfect daycare."

Three years ago, I resigned my awesome leadership/teaching position at Big 5A High School.  I took a significant pay cut and a new administrative position at Small Private School.  I attended SPS for years and I always felt that I would serve there in some way, so when I was presented with the opportunity and Sparky and I could afford it financially, I took it.  Upon taking the job, we were expecting SPS to offer infant care and this was a HUGE incentive to accept the pay cut.  We didn't want to put our future child in daycare, so having him with me at work was going to be pretty awesome.

Fast forward through a miscarriage, three surgeries, and one baby later, and we're now in May 2013.  SPS can't offer infant care due to fire code restrictions and the cost of getting everything up to code.  I begin a frantic search for care to start in August.  SPS let me have D at work with me all summer--amazing.  I looked into home care nannies, learning centers, day cares, and a nanny who would come to our house.  The one uniting factor: baby care = freakin' expensive.  I've read about other moms who reserved spots in daycare as soon as they found out they were expecting, but I never thought we'd need daycare.  Thank goodness my city has numerous excellent opportunities and only one place I called was not accepting applications.

As with anything, I'm nothing if not thorough.  I got on care.com (great site, totally worth it) and put out an ad for nannies.  I created a list of questions and carefully narrowed down my nanny responses and asked two for interviews.  The young lady I interviewed was phenomenal, until I realized that she would cost us a fortune every month.  Sparks and I tried to reconcile our finances to include her fees, but we just couldn't do it. So, I talked to everyone.  I got names, numbers, day care info, and just visited (with D) many different places. I was exhausted physically and mentally.  I had one more place to go and honestly, I didn't want to.  But my mom, in her infinite wisdom, told me to do my due diligence and just check it out.

Off I went, without D this time, to the last learning center.  I fell in love.  The infant room was bright and airy.  The atmosphere was warm and caring and CLEAN.  The teacher had just got done "bubble dancing" with one of the babies as the other two slept, though she informed me the others would get to play with bubbles when they got up, because she doesn't like any babies not to get to have fun.  I knew right there that this was the place for D.  They stay under the legal limit of babies to caregivers, there's in room monitoring I can see, and she tirelessly logs D's every moves into my new obsession: baby connect.  It's an app/website that she shares with me so I can see when he has a diaper change, eats, naps, etc.  We exchange messages this way too.

D checked out "school" for two hours and did great, so last Monday, he started going 7:15-2:15.  (my modified work hours are 7:30-2).  I cannot rave about his experience enough.  His teacher texts me pictures throughout the day and he is zonked when I pick him up.  He is napping well and eating well and just thriving.  I like that he's learning to play with other babies, and his teacher works with the babies on different skills all day.  He's learning to hold his bottle right now, and all the babies are learning sign language.

It still hurts dropping him off every day and I can't wait to see him at 2:15, but I know he's in great hands. Of course, I'm obsessed with the in-room camera and baby connect.

Learning to "read" at daycare :) and oh yeah, we sit up now!

I'm alive

Blogger won't work on my computer so I haven't posted lately. I hate posting from my phone. Thinking of moving to word press. Updates coming soon! 

Post-Baby Bump...

As mentioned in my post the other day, I'm a lover of all things Kate and Wills, including little Prince George.  As I was catching up on my celebrity gossip, I saw this article about Kate's "post-baby" body and was just appalled that people were already discussing this, as if this girl doesn't have enough on her mind (oh, I don't know a newborn, millions of people watching her, just a typical day).  I honestly have wanted to write about this for a while but this was the impetus I needed, simply because the front page of that magazine was so appalling.  For those of you who saw Kate after Prince George's birth--and let's face it, unless you've been living under a rock, you've seen the photos--she flaunted her post-baby bump in a gorgeous dress. She looked so beautiful.  Finally, a celebrity who doesn't hide from the public for five months and then suddenly reappear looking flawless with a completely flat tummy.  (hello, Kim Kardashian--does anyone DOUBT this is why she hasn't been in the news lately?!)

Here's my story....I've always struggled with my weight.  In second grade, I had to go on a diet because I was pretty much a human garbage disposal.  Once I started playing soccer, I lost all that weight and maintained until college when I studied for a semester in Europe (and gained 35 pounds...studying gelato and pastries is hard work).  Since then, I've been on a roller coaster: I lost a lot of weight quickly on South Beach before my wedding, but gained that back.  I never really dieted again until 2011 when I was at my heaviest, so my BFF and I did weight watchers and I discovered Jillian Michaels' workout videos.  I was finally in great shape and so happy...then I got pregnant, miscarried, and began all of my surgeries and hormones.  It was hard to keep in shape during that time, and when I got pregnant with D, I was on uber hormones.  I also only wanted fast food tacos for the first trimester, and the thought of a vegetable that wasn't served in between tortillas grossed me out...so by 13 weeks, I had already gained 12+ pounds.  At the end of my pregnancy, I was up 40+ pounds, and only now--five months after D's birth--am I back to my pre-pregnancy weight. This is not to brag, nor is it glorious. Things have shifted around, I don't have the time or the energy to work out and tone back up, and it's a struggle every day to eat well in the minimal amount of time that I have to eat. 

Magazines are quick to flaunt the wonders of celebrities who lose their baby weight immediately and then look gorgeous on the red carpet, so when we "mere mortal women" have our babies, there's this sense of pressure to lose the weight NOW.  God forbid we wear something form-fitting and display our post-baby bump; bravo Duchess, bravo!!  Here's what people don't tell you about losing the post-baby weight.

It's HARD. You have to sleep and consume enough calories to keep up your supply to breastfeed.  When the baby sleeps, you rarely have enough time to nap or put the dishes away, much less pull out a workout video, work out, and then shower before baby wakes up.  Those nice healthy meals you're supposed to eat get harder and harder to make with a baby on your hip or screaming in a swing.  And most women can't even exercise until 6 weeks after baby is born.  This is reality.  Reality is NOT having a personal trainer, a nutritionist, and several nannies to watch the baby while you work out five times a day and have healthy meals delivered to you. 

There's so much pressure on women to look perfect right away, and I think it's so disheartening and demeaning that we focus on that rather than the miracle that just took place.  We put our bodies through the traumatic experience of giving birth to a human (in my case, an 8+ pound human)...let's focus on that for once rather than how big the post-baby bump is or how quickly we (or Kate) can lose the baby weight.  That's such a misplaced priority.  

Mommy Vices and Advices

I've been refreshing my news app on my phone incessantly, waiting for news of the Royal Baby.  Like many other Americans, I love the love story of William and Kate, and I am enamored with the royals.  Silly, probably, but I think I've always loved a good love story.  My mom was pregnant with me when Prince William was born, and now I have Daniel who will be exactly five months older than the RB, if he or she is born today.  I told him this morning that he can marry the future princess if he wants, though Sparky and I are not quite rich enough to get royal attention :)

While I love Kate, I also feel deeply sorry for the scrutiny she will endure as a mother.  The news this morning was discussing whether or not she would have an epidural, and the state of her cervix and dilation.  The state of her cervix is of international concern? And that's just the beginning I'm sure. 

Breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. Baby purees or baby-led weaning. Sleep training or no sleep training.  Vaccinate or don't vaccinate.  As "mere mortals" (aka non-royals), new moms deal with these pressures all the time.  People are quick to condemn you if you don't breastfeed.  Now that D has started solids, all I read about is how "baby-lead weaning" is better.  The latest comment: "why would you teach a baby to swallow before you teach him to chew?" Well...doesn't a baby have to swallow after he chews?!  I have to admit, I like the idea of baby-led weaning, but I don't have the time to research and decide if that's what's best for us (plus, I like making baby food).  And believe it or not, I just read about a movement to not diaper. at all. I have no idea how that works.

This endless "advice" or as someone has said "ass-vice" is tiring to a new mom who's trying to do what's best for her child.  Even when I feel like I'm doing a good job being a mom, I can read something or talk to someone and suddenly start second guessing myself.  We start to apologize for our babies, as if they're supposed to be little perfect beings and we are supposed to be perfectly put-together moms all the time.  The more I try to be "perfect," the more I stress out and the more D feels me stress out. 

I don't think it's fair to any mom to scrutinize her parenting.  Parenting is a deeply personal commitment, a belief, almost, and every set of parents are entitled to their own beliefs.  I do not criticize other's parenting choices--what right do I have to do so?  Doing what's best for your child is ultimately the most important thing, and if that means breastfeeding "a boy who's old enough to chew steak" (Miranda, SATC) then so be it. 

My mommy vice: I nap with Daniel in my arms, in the rocker in his nursery.  When he wakes up after only 30 minutes from a nap that should be at least an hour, I pick him up and I rock him and sleep with him for as long as I can.  I tried to let him cry and failed miserably. He gets upset and I get upset and and stressed and it's just a really bad situation.  We don't cry-it-out.  And maybe we never will.  I make no apologies for that.  He will eventually nap longer than 40 minutes without help, and he will also eventually not want me to hold him and cuddle him, so I'll steal those cuddles while I can.

So yes, I'm going to feed my baby purees that I make from organic veggies.  I'm going to use disposable diapers. I'm going to let my son nap in my arms, and I'm going to give him Tylenol when he needs it.  If those are the worst of my mommy vices, then I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job.  I know that the scrutiny Kate will receive comes with the territory of being a Royal, but I hope people remember that she's still human, still a first-time mom, and still deserves to parent without the "ass-vice" of those "who know better."

And on a funnier note: I read a tweet this morning from @professor_snape that said: "If Will is 100% royal and Kate is 0% royal, is the baby a half-blood prince or princess?" Love it :)