Hospital Lists...

Daniel's having daddy time so I'll take this chance to share my hospital lists.  There are so many different opinions out there about what you need and what you don't.  I figured I'd write this 3 days post partum so that I remember vividly what helped me :)

Most important thing: a supportive coach.  Sparky was more than I could ever have imagined.  We took our birthing class together and talked about exactly what I wanted him to do and how I wanted him to calm me and coach me during labor.  I never yelled at him and he coached me through all of my contractions and through pushing.  I can't recommend a good coach highly enough :)

For the hospital bag:

• Comfy pj pants (I wore 2 pair the whole time and wore one pair of yoga pants home)
• Nursing tanks.  You could probably use normal tanks as long as they're stretchy enough to nurse in
• Nursing bra
• Shirt to wear home from hospital
• Slippers
• Socks with grippy bottoms (the hospital ones are ugly and I like cute socks) 
• Baby book (Sparky liked/likes to reference our book often)
• Change of clothes for hubby 
• Two to three outfits for baby. Daniel wore two.  Bring different sizes--our newborn clothes are too small for our eight pound chunker!!! 
• Baby socks/hat (we loved the hospital hats, though, and used those most)
• Recieving blanket (optional...you can use the hospital ones) 
• Toothbrush/toothpaste
• Face wash
• Shampoo, conditioner, body wash.  The first shower you will take is AMAZING and I think every woman feels better when she's using her own toiletries
• Face cream
• I brought makeup (tinted moisturizer, blush, mascara, eyeliner, basic eyeshadow) because that's what makes me feel better.  The day after I had him I actually felt like a real person once I had my makeup on
• Hairbrush (I forgot this one!)
• Hair tie

For Nursing

• Boppy or nursing pillow.  I also forgot this and all of the nurses asked me if I had it.  My mom went and got it for me and I was sooo grateful.  The nurses can help with how to use it too, but if you don't have it, they can't help
• SOOTHIES!!! Best.invention.ever.  They're these sticky hydrogel boob pads that soothe your nipples.  Ahhh....I am wearing them right now! You can wear one pair for 24 hours.  My hospital gave me some but I would recommend bringing your own, just in case
• Lanolin for nipples, or any sort of nipple cream.  I've heard good things about Earth Mama Nipple Butter but I don't have any myself.  Both are completely safe for baby too so you don't have to worry about feeding once you put the cream on.
• Nursing tank or bra...these things are awesome.  I wouldn't buy more than one bra beforehand, though, because you don't know how big the ladies are going to get until your milk comes in.

For "down there" (I had an episiotomy so these things were great for me)

• NOTE: I didn't bring any of these things but was given them at the hospital.  
• Tucks pads. These are witch hazel cold pads that sooth your stitches and/or very, very sore chacha
• Lidocaine or other numbing/antiseptic spray.  I had this at home but was given more at the hospital. Once I figured out WHERE I needed to spray it, I was good
• Big diaper-like pads. Have them at home. The hospital will give you some
• WEAR the big diaper-like hospital pads.  Seriously. They are huge but wonderful. You'll want as much cushion as possible when you sit.
• Wear and bring home the "awesome" hospital mesh underwear.  They are huge and you'll feel like you're wearing 80 year old man briefs, but you will love them.  They are stretchy and comfy. I wanted nothing to do with real underwear.  
• Buy a pack of cheap, LARGE, cotton underwear.  They're comfy and you don't want anything tight on, trust me.

For the Nurses, and miscellaneous

• Cookies or treats of some sort.  I am SOOO glad I did this.  We ended up getting a suite in the post partum area because we were nice to the nurses and they liked us.  Seriously, be nice to them.  I made friends (as did Sparky) with all of our nurses.  This resulted in the suite, extra soothies, and just general good conversation. I just made one big Tupperware of cookies, put a bow on top with a little thank you note, and asked the nurse to take them to the nursing station.  SO many people (including my doctor) mentioned the cookies.
• I asked EVERY nurse if Daniel's breastfeeding latch was ok.  How else are you going to know?!
• Ask every question you have.  I called when I thought Daniel was too red, when I thought his breathing was funny, whenever.  We had a running list of questions we wrote down as we thought of them so we could be sure to ask the nurse/pediatrician/OB before we left. This was INCREDIBLY beneficial.  
• Don't hesitate to call them.  Remember, you're paying the hospital (and you brought them cookies so they like you); they're there to answer your questions.  
• **controversial**send baby to the nursery at night.  We LOVED this.  After the last feeding (around 8 or 9) we called the nursery and they picked up Daniel.  Every three hours, they brought him back to me to feed and when I was done, I called and they picked him back up.  We still bonded with our son, but we also got 6-8 hours of sleep, something that won't happen when you get home.  We woke up fresh for the 7 am feeding and were able to enjoy spending the day with our new baby.  Trust me, Daniel and I have bonded just fine! 
• Take the pain meds.  You are not superwoman. The pain SUCKS.  I let the pain get ahead of me once and hated it :( you want to enjoy your newborn, not cry because you're in so much pain.  I really wasn't prepared for post partum pain at all so it came as a shock to me when I actually needed the meds, but I definitely did
• When you're in labor: tell the nurse if you're in pain.  Let the nurse and anesthesiologist help you if your epidural is wearing off. Tell them everything so they can help you better.  
• Make your wishes known.  We didn't want anyone in the delivery room once I had my epidural.  Your nurse is your "guard dog."  We had specific things we wanted after the birth.  Make sure your nurses know :) I did not have a formal written birth plan and I still got everything I wanted. 

Leave your dignity at home.  Your nurses and doctors (and husband) will see more of you and more "gross" of you than you can even imagine.  Let them.  Let them help you, even when you're wearing the most non-sexy mesh undies in the world.  Don't pretend you can do it all--you can't.  

I think that's it for now.  I just have to say I had such a wonderful birth experience because of the hospital nurses and my supportive hubs.  If you have any questions, leave me a comment :)

Just briefly...and a few more photos of Daniel

Thank you, thank you for all of the kind words and congratulations. We couldn't be more blessed.  Our first night home went surprisingly well! Daniel slept which means momma kind of slept, when she wasn't making sure he was breathing haha :)

I'm going to post a "hospital necessities" list since more than half of my blogroll is expecting right now (yay!)  But for now, I will leave you with some pics of our beautiful blessing

our cool cat on his way home from the hospital

Morning snuggle with Daddy

Daniel's Birth Day

My boy is being checked out by the pediatrician so I have a little time before he's back and hungry. And man, that boy loves to eat. But more on that later.

I was supposed to be induced yesterday at 5:30 am. Well, I ended up going into spontaneous labor at 3 am, contractions 7 minutes apart. We didn't rush to the hospital as we knew we had an "appointment" anyway. We got to the hospital around 5:15. I was at a 2 when I was first checked, 80%effaced. Contractions hurt like hell.

I was making great progress but still needed a minimal amount of pitocin. Before the pitocin even kicked in, my contractions were at an 8 pain level, and I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I decided to get my epidural: best decision ever. Once we got the dosage correct and figured out that most of the medicine was dripping to my left, I was able to lay on my left side and sleep on and off for three hours.

At that point I was about 6 cm and progressed rapidly after that. I started pushing at 2:00 and he was born at 2:17!! Sparky was the best coach I could've ever asked for. The pushing was great and I felt no psi. I did have a tiny episiotomy unfortunately. She gave me the option to keep trying but with the cut, baby came immediately.

Daniel weighs 8 pounds 3 ounces and is 20 inches long. For a 5'4" girl, that's a big baby! He's precious and alert and as of now, easy to soothe. We had him in the nursery last night and I fed him every three hours. Sparky and I got some sleep which was nice. He's being circumcised right now (wahhhh!!!) and then he'll be back here with us.

Breast feeding is tough but I think we're getting the hang of it. The post partum recovery is difficult. I wasn't expecting this much pain or needing pain medicine. But that's ok.

I'm sure I will post more pics soon :) the first pic is from yesterday and the second one is from this morning.

Quick picture

Daddy and his son
More to come tomorrow with birth story

Today's the day!

At the hospital waiting to meet Mr. Daniel! Will update later with picture :)

Reflecting

I started this blog eleven months ago, almost to the day.  At the time, I was recovering from my third uterine surgery.  I was also emotionally recovering from my miscarriage four months before.  I never expected the miscarriage to break me so emotionally.  I remember still crying in March, wondering if anyone else grieved so long over something so small. I felt stupid, childish, helpless, and inadequate, as if there was something wrong with me because I couldn't forget Malachi.  We had just found out that my SIL was expecting, and I was trying to find a balance between excitement, jealousy, and love.  All of these feelings are still real to me.  At times, I felt like I had no one to talk to.  Sparky understood how I felt about his sister's pregnancy, but no one understood the feeling of loss and inadequacy associated with the miscarriage and subsequent surgeries. 

I remember vividly crying in the recovery room when Dr. W. told me that our second hsyteroscopy wasn't successful and that I would need laparoscopic surgery. I remember how devastated I was when I learned that all of the hormones had delayed my cycle again.  I remember the fear of my positive pregnancy test on June 5, how I had to hide the box of cheap tests so that I wouldn't compare lines from one day to the next.

I am amazed at how memories can make feelings so real again. 

I am grateful for every single day of the past forty + weeks, but these weeks have not been without their share of emotions and feelings of desperation.  There have been peaks of anxiety so strong in this pregnancy that I wonder if there's something wrong with me, if other women feel such things.  While not the same as dealing with my loss, I've definitely sobbed while asking the question: why am I like this?  Why don't other women feel this anxious or this scared?  There have been days that have left me crippled with fear, sleepless nights where I pray just to let the baby move so I can fall back asleep knowing he's ok. 

All of this stems from the fear of losing something I so desperately want.  Even in this desperation, I still fear the future, the unknown.  What will parenting be like?  What will my life be like?  Am I really "superwoman," able to juggle grad school and work and baby and wife?  And yet, when I hold my son for the first time, these fears will fade away. 

Despite the sometimes-crippling fear, I will be sad to not be pregnant anymore.  The kicks, the rolls, the closeness of Daniel...feelings I will never forget...but I know memories are waiting to be made.  The first time Sparky holds his son, the first time my parents become grandparents--these are the feelings I want to remember when I have these memories years from now.  I think there's a part of me that will always grieve the loss of Malachi, always remember his conception date and due date, but I know the feeling of those memories will be outweighed by the feelings of new memories, of my son, of my family. 

My son. Those words are seriously crazy to type and even crazier to say.

I know that I'm not technically "infertile," that my place in the land of infertile bloggers is nonexistent, really, but without finding this space, I wouldn't have gotten here.  When I was drowning in grief from a loss I thought I "should" have been over, I found others out there experiencing the same thing.  I found women who validated my grief and my thoughts and fears.  Almost all of the women I've met here are now expecting, a fulfillment of a birthday wish I made six months ago.  The comments and the support are amazing, even when you don't feel like you quite fit in.  So thank you, blog friends.  Thank you so much for pulling me out of one of the darkest periods of my life.  For making me realize that I was not an anomaly.

40.3

We are so close! Dr. N thinks that Daniel will hold out until Friday, but she says it should be an easy induction given baby's position and the position of my cervix. We've definitely made progress since last week. That makes me happy.

I will post a picture once he arrives :)

I hope to post tomorrow about our journey to this point. I've had sporadic contractions all afternoon so maybe we will be in the hospital tomorrow, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Going to enjoy another evening with hubs!