On having cake and eating it too

There's an episode of Sex and the City (one of my all time favorite shows) where Samantha moves into a new apartment and all the girls are at her place.  She leans out the window and shouts, "You see New York, we can have it all!" and then the next morning she wakes up with the flu.  Can we ever have our cake and eat it guiltlessly?

I've never been the girl who's wanted to stay home with her child.  I've always been a career-driven, career-minded woman.  When I was in high school, I swore that I would never get married but rather spend my life traveling as an international business woman who would some day adopt a child.  That mentality changed when I fell in love, first with my now-husband (yes, we dated in high school) and then with my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for 6 years. 

Society puts pressure on women in different ways, often creating a catch-22.  We are told that to be the best mothers, we should stay home.  But we are also told we can have it all, an excellent job, great salary, beautiful home AND the family.  How do these two world coexist? And how am I not to feel guilty for NOT staying home with my child?  For the 8 hours I am at work, someone else will be raising my son.  Someone else will hold him and cuddle him, will begin to teach him discipline.  Someone else who won't be me, who won't make the same silly faces or sing the same silly songs.  But the reality is, like millions of other women, not working right now is not an option.

I've taught AP English for 6 years now, and since I began teaching (8 years ago...) I've wanted to grade essays for the national AP Language and Composition exam.  I applied three years ago and this year, my application was accepted.  I was all set to go to Kentucky for a week in June.  I have about 150 ounces of milk saved and was introducing formula to supplement my stash.  We'd worked out childcare with my mom and my MIL during the day and Sparks would pick D up after work every day.  I was on the road to "having it all"--the baby, the awesome opportunity, the good job.  And then life happened.  When I accepted the invitation in January, I never realized how hard being away from the baby would be.  I thought, I'm a driven, independent girl--there's no WAY I will mind being away from home. Not so true.  The logistics of leaving a baby for 8 days are also crazy hard.  So I started praying about the decision--should I cancel my trip that I've wanted for 8 years....or should I go?  And then Sparky found out he would have to work out of town four days a week from now until July, and the decision was made for me; I had been given the sign (or answer) I'd been praying for.  No opportunity of a lifetime because there's no one else to watch the baby. 

It's bittersweet, really.  I've cried many times already because I am losing something I've wanted for so long, something that defines a career and makes a teacher.  But I can't have it all.  I already have the most precious gift in the whole world with Mr. D, and I know I shouldn't ask for more than that. 

Though sometimes it would be nice to eat the cake guiltlessly...